Is he into me or not? Really want a second opinion!

[notalady]

As per the title. Apologies in advance for a long post! Haha

 

I've been seeing a guy I met online for about 6 weeks now. We generally see each other once or twice a week, he generally initiated dates, I did too occasionally (2 out of 9 dates). We get along well, he's very gentlemanly, we didn't hold hands/kiss till the fourth date (he initiated of course). It progressed naturally from there and we had sex on the last date after about 6 weeks, everything was good no problems. I haven't seen him since then as he's gone interstate this week. He never tried to move things forward unless he got the sense that I was comfortable taking things further, and I got the feeling that he himself is also more reserved and prefers to take things slow anyway. He seemed more relaxed around me after we had sex, which isn't surprising. I also felt that the way he looked at me was a bit different after we had sex, like more gentle maybe, but it could be all in my head so I wouldn't necessarily rely on it! Overall I really like him. Here are my concerns though:

 

1. He doesn't seem to express his thoughts and feelings much if at all. He has no problem holding a conversation but just seems generally less communicative. This makes him very hard to read from my perspective. I generally speak my mind quite freely (when it's not inappropriate to do so), and most of my ex's had always been very straight forward in expressing their feelings for me and comfortable doing so relatively early on. So I'm not used to this guy's communication style. I'm not even sure if that's just his communication style or he's just not that into me (i.e. There are no feelings to be expressed)?

 

2. We don't communicate much outside of dates. He would text me say every other day (sometimes every three days) to check in, the conversation doesn't generally go for long and remain at a superficial level. I'm a big texter, chat to my friends on text/email a fair bit, and if I'm thinking about someone, I would want to text them (not necessarily to say I'm thinking about them but it's just nice to hear from them). I initially texted him every day (as it's just what I'm used to). Then soon I realised I was the one initiating texts most of the time, and I got the sense that he's not a big texter, even though he's always been positive in his responses. I wasn't sure if I was bothering him or if he wanted to be left alone (he does seem to be quite content to spend a lot of time alone, probably prefers it even) So I stopped initiating texts (only did once in a while) and let him text me when he feels like it, which is not every day and as said before, the conversation remains at a superficial level. This together with the problem mentioned above, makes it even harder for me to gauge his interest level. (P.S He never calls me but I don't mind that, I hate chatting on the phone (hate it with a passion)).

 

3. He seems to like to have a lot of alone time, which I understand because I'm the same (except I don't need as much). And I'm starting to feel like by this stage we should be meeting more than once or twice a week, especially given the lack of meaningful conversations outside of dates (actually even during dates..) I don't think once or twice a week is an inappropriate amount of time to see each other at this stage but I would prefer to meet three times a week, that way we can really get to know each other a bit more. I haven't done anything about it, because it's very early on in the relationship, I don't want to suffocate it. I also prefer he initiate seeing each other more (so I actually know that he wants to see me more). The cynical side of me sometimes wonder if he's just on other dates when he's not seeing me (not that he's given me any reason to think that). Again I feel like the way it's going (which feels like nowhere at the moment!) indicates he's not that interested.

 

4. He moved to my city from another city for work and has been here for 2 years now. His profile said he was looking for a short term relationship. After four dates, when I felt it was probably ok to ask, I asked him what he meant by that. And he said it is because of uncertainty as to how long his work will have him continue to stay here, it could be years but just not sure, that's why he put "short term relationship" in his profile. His profile also said he's not afraid of commitment and will happily take things further with the right person. I didn't ask him about that of course, but I feel uncertain about his work situation and whether if things get serious he would decide to stay in my city regardless, but I don't want to speculate, so I'm operating under the assumption that he will leave if work wants him to. So given that's the case, it makes me wonder if he has no intention (or prefers not to) to get serious with me, ever. The lack of communication mentioned before isn't helping with this.

 

So to summarise I find it really hard to read him and get a good feel of his interest level and would love a second opinion. I don't want to be too emotionally invested if he doesn't want to get serious and will want to move on relatively quickly if things aren't progressing or going anywhere. I'm not sure how long I should give it before deciding though? Would 2-3 months be a reasonable amount of time?

 

Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

[missmarple]

First of all, I don't understand why you left it so long to ask him what he meant by 'short term relationship'...especially since your goal is obviously something serious. I would have asked even before the first date.

Second, once he told you about his job situation, I don't understand why you continued dating him and slept with him, too, when he had made it clear to you that he didn't know how long he would stay in your city.

 

The feeling I get from your post is that exactly because he's not sure himself, he's trying to keep you at an emotional distance. If I were you, I wouldn't wait. You've been going out for 6 weeks and you've slept together. I would ask him. Just be prepared for an answer like 'I don't know'.

[mhowe]

I think you are expecting a lot of communication and time together after only 6 weeks/12 dates. Let the relationship/connection grow organically...put down the Miracle Grow.

[notalady]

First of all, I don't understand why you left it so long to ask him what he meant by 'short term relationship'...especially since your goal is obviously something serious. I would have asked even before the first date.

Second, once he told you about his job situation, I don't understand why you continued dating him and slept with him, too, when he had made it clear to you that he didn't know how long he would stay in your city.

 

The feeling I get from your post is that exactly because he's not sure himself, he's trying to keep you at an emotional distance. If I were you, I wouldn't wait. You've been going out for 6 weeks and you've slept together. I would ask him. Just be prepared for an answer like 'I don't know'.

 

Thanks for the advice, I needed to hear that (about the emotional distance thing because that's what I was thinking too, but also I am mindful that he is more of an introvert and reserved person, I don't feel like I've had enough time and evidence to draw conclusion either way).

 

In response to your questions though, the conversation between us had always been pretty light hearted before and since we met in person, there were obviously mutual interest and attraction, but we were both also looking to just make new friends, so up until the fourth date, we pretty much just hung out like friends, which I wouldn't have minded if that's what we ended up becoming. So I didn't feel the urge to ask that question and it didn't feel like the right time to ask anyway. By the fourth date, after he kissed me, obviously I felt like it had moved beyond "just friends", I thought it would be appropriate to ask.

 

As for the sleeping together, I decided to just go with the flow and stop overthinking it because I did feel like he's the kind of person that takes relationships seriously and will get into a relationship with the right person (don't we all), and frankly I wouldn't mind that much if it did turn out to be short term, I'm not too emotionally invested (even though I would be disappointed of course). But I just don't want to waste a lot of time on it, say 6 months down the track, to find out that he has no intention to get serious at all.

[notalady]

I think you are expecting a lot of communication and time together after only 6 weeks/12 dates. Let the relationship/connection grow organically...put down the Miracle Grow.

 

Thanks, good to hear a different opinion, that is part of my consideration too. I'm a more impatient person, also tend to be very communicative. Most of the guys I dated previously were on the same wavelength so it was never a problem.

 

I do want to give it time, but I'm wondering how long is too long if nothing changes/moves forward?

[Batya33]

"As for the sleeping together, I decided to just go with the flow and stop overthinking it because I did feel like he's the kind of person that takes relationships seriously and will get into a relationship with the right person (don't we all), and frankly I wouldn't mind that much if it did turn out to be short term, I'm not too emotionally invested (even though I would be disappointed of course). But I just don't want to waste a lot of time on it, say 6 months down the track, to find out that he has no intention to get serious at all."

 

I would stop giving yourself mixed messages. Decide what you want and act accordingly. If you wouldn't mind if it was a short term relationship then I would not put all this thought and effort into it. If your goal is a long term serious relationship then I would ask him his intentions right now. He obviously doesn't take things slow sexually - after he decided to make things romantic he had sex with you rather quickly after that, yes?

 

As far as communication he's only known you 6 weeks so I think you have to modify your expectations. I don't think having sex necessarily increases any sort of emotional commitment or triggers deeper communication -it can be just sex especially with someone new in your life.

[notalady]

Well things got "romantic" after about 2 weeks and sex happened at about 6 weeks. I'm not sure if that's considered happening quickly or not. I don't generally put a specific timeframe on sex and say it can't happen until such and such time has passed. I just go by how comfortable I feel with the person and the way it's progressing, which generally happens to be after I've dated them for a month or more.

 

Good point about making up my mind, but I'm not even sure myself if I want to get serious with this guy yet. I would like to get to know him more then decide. But I suppose it would be nice to clarify if he is open to a long term relationship, should things progress that way. How would I phrase the question though? haha...

 

I agree that sex doesn't necessarily increase emotional commitment and I'm not trying to link the two. I'm just saying that I would like more communication. However from your response and mhowe's response, it seems that the level of our current communication is considered fairly normal?

[ThatwasThen]

I'm not sure why you think you're used to open communication when you have all these unanswered questions that you didn't ask the only person that can give a true answer... him.

 

I agree with Marple. I'm thinking that he's just keeping neutral as far as bonding goes because he may very well not be available to you for anything other then the casual relationship you're currently in with him. Or like his profile says, "if he's with the right person" he may consider it. Could he get anymore vague about his intent?

 

Anyway... speak up ~ to HIM and get your answers from the source.

[SoulTaker]

First of all, I don't understand why you left it so long to ask him what he meant by 'short term relationship'...especially since your goal is obviously something serious. I would have asked even before the first date.

Second, once he told you about his job situation, I don't understand why you continued dating him and slept with him, too, when he had made it clear to you that he didn't know how long he would stay in your city.

 

The feeling I get from your post is that exactly because he's not sure himself, he's trying to keep you at an emotional distance. If I were you, I wouldn't wait. You've been going out for 6 weeks and you've slept together. I would ask him. Just be prepared for an answer like 'I don't know'.

 

Good points mm. Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see anything stating what the OP's is looking for in dating. Notalady, this is online dating, so what did your profile state (casual, long term, friends,...) for what you're looking for? That's the first thing that people look at, and discuss before interacting with someone (even before the first date).

 

You've treated the whole 6 weeks of dating as though it was causal ("hung out like friends"), which fit what he was looking for, so there's no need for him to provide any deep discussions with you. He told you what you needed to know, that he's there on a temporary job assignment which could terminate at any time. He's just looking for someone to hang out with until he leaves the area. You should never have turned this into a relationship, without understanding that it could end in an instant.

 

If you're trying to turn this into a LTR, then there would have to be an agreement for you to go where his job takes him, or he'll have to stay in your city when the job assignment ends. After that discussion, you'll have your answer on this relationship (leave it, continue as-is, turn it into a LTR).

[missmarple]

But I suppose it would be nice to clarify if he is open to a long term relationship, should things progress that way. How would I phrase the question though?

 

Dear John, I've enjoyed our time together and I'd like to get to know you more but my goal is a long term relationship. What is yours?

 

I didn't see anything stating what the OP's is looking for in dating.

 

Neither did I but, normally, when a girl just wants to date casually, she doesn't write 5 paragraphs wondering about the guy's intentions...lol

[HeartGoesOn]

I would like to get to know him more then decide. But I suppose it would be nice to clarify if he is open to a long term relationship, should things progress that way. How would I phrase the question though? haha...

 

I'm unable to understand how easy it is to give him complete access to your body, yet find it difficult to phrase a simple question. To each their own, but I would want that question answered before becoming intimate. Just my opinion...

[BigKK]

Dear John, I've enjoyed our time together and I'd like to get to know you more but my goal is a long term relationship. What is yours?

 

 

 

Neither did I but, normally, when a girl just wants to date casually, she doesn't write 5 paragraphs wondering about the guy's intentions...lol

 

Exactly what I was going to say, no one writes a short mini-novel to figure out their casual relationship they don't care much about. Obviously OP wants a LTR, the guy Probably doesn't but she should first, clarify for sure his intentions before she goes head over heels (almost too late)

 

 

Good luck!

[Batya33]

It sounds typical for someone you've been dating a short time (and of course depends on his personality).

 

How I would phrase the question: "What are your intentions towards me?" (if his intentions are serious he will know exactly what you mean and if his intentions are not he still will know exactly what you mean but likely will try to give an evasive answer or hopefully simply say "I like things the way they are" or similar.

[notalady]

Sorry I didn't clarify. Here are the details:

 

The website options are "new friends, long term dating, short term dating, casual", I selected "new friends and long term dating", he selected "new friends and short term dating". His profile clearly stated that he's mostly looking for new friends however if it becomes more then he will be happy for things to progress naturally (I'm not quoting directly but that's what it basically says).

 

What I was talking about in the "hung out as friends" comments, I was referring to the first 3 dates. By that I mean no hand holding or kissing, no physical touching other than a hug hello and good bye. To me I considered it just hanging out, though clearly there were attraction and mutual interest. To add more context, we just went out for a couple of drinks for the first date, which turned into dinner. Second date we went to the beach and for some coffee and lunch on the weekend, and third date again dinner and drinks. The fourth date we went to one of the national parks (lovely water falls, mountain views etc) and we had a picnic there, he brought all the food etc. So that's when he went for the hand holding and kissing. And that's where I consider the nature of the dates went from hanging out to "romantic".

 

I should clarify about his job too. He's here for a huge project that last for years, and has already been here for two years and it's still ongoing. It's not temporary in the sense that it could terminate at any time, but it will obviously finish eventually, he reckons there could be another five years, but there is no certainty around that. Also, he bought a house here as well (as oppose to renting).

[missmarple]

I should clarify about his job too. He's here for a huge project that last for years, and has already been here for two years and it's still ongoing. It's not temporary in the sense that it could terminate at any time, but it will obviously finish eventually, he reckons there could be another five years, but there is no certainty around that. Also, he bought a house here as well (as oppose to renting).

 

Hmmmmmmm.. if, according to him, that project could take another 5 years and he has even bought a house, why select just new friends and short term dating? Even if he's dead set on moving when the project is finished, how does he know that his girlfriend wouldn't move with him?

 

Are you 100% sure that this guy is single?

[SoulTaker]

Dear John, I've enjoyed our time together and I'd like to get to know you more but my goal is a long term relationship. What is yours?

 

 

 

Neither did I but, normally, when a girl just wants to date casually, she doesn't write 5 paragraphs wondering about the guy's intentions...lol

 

True. The problem is that some people when they write up their profile do not pay much importance in listing their "type of dating" category (casual, friends, long term,...). That's the first thing I check on a profile, after the pics of course.

 

As for asking him about a LTR, he can shrug that off with the "temporary job" excuse. It'd be interesting to see what his reaction would be if she tests him by asking how he'd feel if she stays with him after his job ends in the area. To be a fly on the wall. lol

[notalady]

It sounds typical for someone you've been dating a short time (and of course depends on his personality).

 

How I would phrase the question: "What are your intentions towards me?" (if his intentions are serious he will know exactly what you mean and if his intentions are not he still will know exactly what you mean but likely will try to give an evasive answer or hopefully simply say "I like things the way they are" or similar.

 

Thanks for that. Good to know the current level of communication is normal.

 

I'll probably talk to him on the next date and see where we're at/ what he wants out of this. Thanks.

[notalady]

Hmmmmmmm.. if, according to him, that project could take another 5 years and he has even bought a house, why select just new friends and short term dating? Even if he's dead set on moving when the project is finished, how does he know that his girlfriend wouldn't move with him?

 

Are you 100% sure that this guy is single?

 

Well I went to his place and he lives alone. He has pictures of him with his parents and sister in his room (again no sign of a "significant other"). We are Facebook friends as well, nothing suspicious there. His profile says he's single and he doesn't come accross as a liar/player. He doesn't check his phone or act suspiciously when we are together, we are able to schedule dates on Friday or Saturday without a lot of notice, so he has given me no reason to really suspect he's lying about being single. That being said, I wouldn't be that surprised if he is dating other people as well (as noted in my original post). That's fair enough, I'm still going on dates with other guys as well. But yes I will want to clarify where he sees this going. If it's nowhere then I'll just drop him.

[ThatwasThen]

If your ultimate dating goal is to find a suitable partner to spend the rest of your life with then may I suggest you stay away from anyone that has "short term" or "friends" as their indicators. They don't mean "platonic" friends and if they only want short term then don't overlook the fact that by stating that, they're telling you not to get too involved because it's going to end.

 

"if the right one comes along" Just words to make it sound like he really wants more then friends and short term but he's covered when it doesn't develop.

 

Anyway, if you're starting threads about where you stand then I think its time to, at the very least, ask about exclusivity and see if you're the "right one that has come along" or not. You're having sex with him. I don't think you want to be doing that with someone who is being "friends" and "short term" with many.

 

Good luck.

[SoulTaker]

If I understand your update correctly, the "root cause" of this matter is the job situation. This is the excuse he's using, so you'll have to eliminate it as the deal-breaker, or move on. In my last update, I've mentioned how you can get around the "job" excuse and see where he's coming from. Advanced planning is critical for your upcoming discussion with him. You need to remove all valid excuses that he can come up with.

 

Once you have removed him from his comfort zone (job excuse) his body expression, and response will clue you in as to whether he only looks at you as a temporary fling.

Of course, the last thing you want to do is strong-arm someone into "exclusitivity status" when you already know that their heart isn't in it. If you can't, or don't want to remove his excuse(s), then it's time to move on.

[notalady]

The main reason for my post was to get a second opinion on the communication side of things, which I did get.

 

However I like your idea about removing his excuses, can you elaborate a bit more about what you mean by advance planning?

 

I have no interest in strong-arming anyone into exclusivity lol, I like him but have no trouble walking away from it either if the answer is that he's not looking to get serious with me. Or if he sticks to one of his excuses. On removing the excuses though, I'm not quite sure what you were suggesting in your last post, can you elaborate on that too?

[Ms Darcy]

If anything, I find your communication very lacking. And it's not surprising. I find that people who are "big texters" but "hate" talking on the phone are very often overthinkers who live in their own heads.

 

Make a decision. Make a decision on your own about what YOU want. I think you should have done that before sleeping with him, but whatever. The point is you need to decide what you want. And it shouldn't be "I want him only if he says he wants me" because you are talking in circles.

 

Even if he is dating others, I don't think he's a player. You guys seem to have said nothing about exclusivity or if you are exploring this for relationship potential.

[ThatwasThen]

If anything, I find your communication very lacking. And it's not surprising. I find that people who are "big texters" but "hate" talking on the phone are very often overthinkers who live in their own heads.

Wow.. soooo true, Darcy.

[notalady]

If anything, I find your communication very lacking. And it's not surprising. I find that people who are "big texters" but "hate" talking on the phone are very often overthinkers who live in their own heads.

 

Make a decision. Make a decision on your own about what YOU want. I think you should have done that before sleeping with him, but whatever. The point is you need to decide what you want. And it shouldn't be "I want him only if he says he wants me" because you are talking in circles.

 

Even if he is dating others, I don't think he's a player. You guys seem to have said nothing about exclusivity or if you are exploring this for relationship potential.

 

Thanks Ms Darcy. I agree with you that I don't think he's a player and that there has been nothing said about exclusivity. Have to admit that one of the reasons I've been putting off asking the question is that I didn't want to make things official until I got to know him a bit more, which plays into, as you said, making up my own mind what I want out of this. How can I ask for exclusivity when I don't even know what I want. Also I didn't want to lose my own privileges to date other guys lol (just to clarify if any one is wondering, I just mean meet with and getting to know them, nothing physical).

 

His communication style has not made it easy to get to know him more. I feel like it's going a bit slow but as seen from some of the responses here, it seems to be a normal speed.

 

As for the texting thing, I'm not sure if what you said applies to texters in general, I guess I overthink sometimes, but I figured it's more of a female thing lol. My preference is communicating face to face (which is why I said in my original post that I would prefer to meet a bit more) and I'm quite good at that. I just hate awkward silences on the phone, having to constantly think about things to say and you don't know when to hang up etc. I like not having to talk to anyone when I get home from work where I've already been dealing with people all day, just be alone, have a little me-time, recharge and decompress (this is also why I understand his need/preference for time alone, because I'm the same, but I don't need as much of it). I don't feel that texting is that energy consuming so that's my preferred way of communication when I can't meet in person.

[mhowe]

Texting is completely impersonal and easy to misunderstand.