Is he into me or not? Really want a second opinion!

[newgirlhere]

I agree with mhowe. In fact, my most recent dating situation frustrated the hell out of me because we had lengthy - often misunderstood - text conversations. It made sense because we were both very busy with work, but it aggravated me to see him so often, have one perception of him from that (as being very into me, and very affectionate), and then get another via text the very next day. (He was terrible with text. I would seriously think he didn't like me anymore sometimes based off of that). There were many reasons we didn't work out, but if I could do the whole thing again, I would have avoided texting and enjoyed the times he called me instead (which were always great, and all we needed).

 

Stop overanalyzing - your gut will tell you what to do. Generally, I find if I have to ask people if someone likes me, something is off. Clear your head and see where you're at after that.

[notalady]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I agree text messages can be misleading, and I'm not looking to have deep & meaningful conversations via text, I think that's a terrible idea. However it's nice to keep in touch through text to let the other person know you're thinking about them.

 

My experience is similar to yours, I have one perception when I'm with him and another through text (and also often the lack of). I feel very comfortable around him, we get along great and have a lot to talk about. But outside of dates, we barely communicate other than the occasional how's your day texts etc and it makes me think he's not that interested. Perhaps phone calls is the answer, I don't know. Again, I think I would be happy with meeting three times a week, no phone calls and occasional text if necessary. To me, one more face to face communication is more valuable than hours on the phone combined.

[SoulTaker]

The main reason for my post was to get a second opinion on the communication side of things, which I did get.

 

However I like your idea about removing his excuses, can you elaborate a bit more about what you mean by advance planning?

 

I have no interest in strong-arming anyone into exclusivity lol, I like him but have no trouble walking away from it either if the answer is that he's not looking to get serious with me. Or if he sticks to one of his excuses. On removing the excuses though, I'm not quite sure what you were suggesting in your last post, can you elaborate on that too?

 

Advanced planning as to what your action will be when he uses any excuses to explain why he has to "casual" date. For example, if he uses the "job excuse", then you could counter with "what if I go with you when you leave the area".... anything to cut through the excuses. Have a plan in place when you meet with him in person. Don't get caught off guard with anything he says. Watch for body expressions, and how he reacts when discussing going exclusive. I'm just throwing this out there as an option you can pursue, only if you feel that he's worth pursuing.

 

BTW - I've gone up against this type of person. I just happened to be at a stage of my life when I was okay with it being a short term relationship. The only thing I demanded was that we were exclusive. I also had a set time in my head as to when to end it, and move on. But you have to have a strong mentality in order to do this, knowing that no matter how close the two of you become, it will have to end. Now, if you're at the stage of your life where you're looking for LTR, then move on.

[newgirlhere]

I guess my question to you is what do YOU need?

 

Sure, there are a ton of rules out there about how often or rarely you are supposed to talk to someone you are dating and like, but the truth is - you're dating to try and find someone who will be a good partner to you. Do you need to be in touch more between dates? Does it bother you that you are not as in touch ? It would bother me, especially once I've been sleeping with someone. I like to get a sense that I am getting closer to a person and the relationship has a pattern of growth to it.

 

If this person is right for you, you won't need to overthink how often you're talking - you guys will just talk and keep that going. I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask him about it too. Try to call him more. see what happens if you treat him how you want to be treated.

 

Go from there.

[mhowe]

Methods of communications... Text/call etc need to be discussed thses days. I personally would NOT want texts throughout the day...about nothing. I find them very distracting when at work. Luckily my bf and I share views on that. So you need to find out what his style is and not assume.

[notalady]

Thanks for the helpful advice, SoulTaker. I think I may just ask where he see things going and if he uses his job as an excuse or say something like he's happy with the way things are, I'll just leave it. I think that's a clear enough message in itself to mean he's not looking to get serious with me.

 

I'm a fairly disciplined person, and had previously done a similar thing as what you described, setting a timeframe on a short term relationship and walked away when time came. I'm looking for LTR but I'm in no hurry to jump into commitment. I want to take time to get to know the guy before getting committed, because from experience, I find it hard to walk away once I've committed to someone even if it's not working, whereas having no problem walking away from a relationship where no commitment has been made, even if emotional and physical intimacy is involved.

 

My plan with the current guy was to give it a bit more time to observe his actions to decide if it's just his personality or he's just not that into me. Of course at the same time also to get to know him better (and decide if he's even a suitable long term potential), with a set timeframe when if things haven't moved forward by then, I'll just walk away regardless. I'm not sure what kind of timeframe to set though, I would have thought 2-3 months is a fair amount of time for this purpose (being already at 1 1/2 month now).

[notalady]

Thanks for that, yes I do want daily contact, even if it's just a how's your day type of message, or call, whichever. From memory on the website we met, where you answer a whole lot of questions and you get a match %, I remember seeing his answer to the question regarding if you expect daily communication from your date was "no it's not necessary", whereas my answer was that I would like daily communication. I didn't think that would bother me but I guess it does to an extent!

 

Sex doesn't change my expectations in respect of the way someone communicates with me, if someone always communicated in a certain way, I expect it to stay the same before and after sex. But yes, like you, I would like to see progression in the relationship. If there is none, then I'll walk away.

 

I think I will take your advice to test and see what happens if I treat him how I want to be treated, see if his behaviour changes (positively or negatively).

[Ms Darcy]

If you are looking for an ltr, you should tell the guy you are seeing upfront. Especially when his "short term dating" gives all of us pause.

 

Don't mistake going with the flow with wasting your time on someone who was never interested.

 

Again I think your communication skills are lacking. But I also think there is some over thinking connected to insecurity. Think about this rationally. Why would he text you everyday when he doesn't know you. It's becomes an expectation and a test if he is thinking of you. And if he doesn't text you for a couple days you will overthink that too.

 

If you want to see him more ask for that.

[Ms Darcy]

I'll add that it very normal for people to take a few months to decide if they want a relationship with you. So he genuinely may not know for a while.

[notalady]

I'll add that it very normal for people to take a few months to decide if they want a relationship with you. So he genuinely may not know for a while.

 

Thanks, I get that.

[SoulTaker]

Yes, you do come accross as a disciplined person who thinks things through. He is, who he is.... If he doesn't come accross to you the way you want a man to respond to you, then you have your answer. I don't think you're over-analyzing, but that you've come accross a personality that you're not use to (introvert, reserved). You have a good read on him, you just don't know what to do with the data. You've been in previous relationships, so you should have some idea of which personalities you're attracted to.

 

Is this the type of personality, and interest level you want in a man? I would think that 9-12 dates is plenty enough to know if you want to go further with it. Also, you have used the word "relationship" in discussing the two of you. You're still in "dating mode", not "relationship mode". There's no exclusivity at this point. Keep your dating options open.

 

As far as communications, texting would be an issue for me if it replaced actual dating. But you're going on physical dates at a good pace, which is whats dating is about. Everything leads back to his personality.

[missmarple]

I disagree. Well, it's not that I disagree 100%, I just don't think there's enough evidence that the issue here is the guy's personality and not that he's just not invested enough into this relationship (for lack of a better word) with the OP.

One reason being that (don't ask me why), for a long time, most of my relationships were with reserved/introverted guys and, let me tell you, when they were into me, it showed. They might not have been as expressive as more extroverted guys and they were a bit harder to read in the beginning but after we had gone on a few dates, they were all over me.

I wonder if (maybe) the problem here is that the OP herself hasn't opened up...because I always did (I'm quite expressive). Either that or he meant what he said that he's interested in short-term dating.

[SoulTaker]

I disagree. Well, it's not that I disagree 100%, I just don't think there's enough evidence that the issue here is the guy's personality and not that he's just not invested enough into this relationship (for lack of a better word) with the OP.

One reason being that (don't ask me why), for a long time, most of my relationships were with reserved/introverted guys and, let me tell you, when they were into me, it showed. They might not have been as expressive as more extroverted guys and they were a bit harder to read in the beginning but after we had gone on a few dates, they were all over me.

I wonder if (maybe) the problem here is that the OP herself hasn't opened up...because I always did (I'm quite expressive). Either that or he meant what he said that he's interested in short-term dating.

 

MM, if you read the OP's initial update, she states that "she speaks her mind freely". She has no problem communicating. If you continue to read her updates, you'll see a pattern where she talks about his lack of communication due to his personality (she can't get a read on him). You mention from your experience how their personalities changed after a few dates. 9-12 dates is more than a few dates. She has a good read on him in that particular area. I think she has opened up, but I'll let her respond to that question.

 

He's using the job status as the reason why he's casual dating. That is why I listed the option for her to confirm whether it's a valid excuse. Not everyone can get along with every type of personality. Each person has to know what works, and doesn't work for them. I can get along with an introverted person, as long as they can become outgoing with me.

[notalady]

I'm loving the healthy debate here haha really appreciate it guys!

 

Thanks SoulTaker, I don't mind dating someone with more introverted/ reserved personality. I've often dated people a bit more similar to me on the introvert extrovert scale, but I have found that more outgoing personalities sometimes come with it's own set of problems and is not indicative of if we'll get along because they often also ended up having personality flaws I couldn't accept or conflicts with my own personality because we are too similar in some ways, regardless how perfectly we got along at the start. So I am more than happy and open to dating someone with an introvert personality.

 

I think I used the term relationship loosely in that post, haha. Yes I have been keeping my dating options open, in fact I've just been on a very promising first date yesterday and have been asked on a second date, with a guy that was very open in communication, come accross as genuinely interested and we got along really well, texted to check up on if I got home safely (which the other guy never did), texted the next day just to say hi and had a brief chat, so I'll see how that goes as well. It helps me maintaining a good perspective on things that being said, this guy also came accross as being genuinely interested the first few dates, just came accross as more of an introvert which I didn't mind. But the lack of opening up after what is now 9 dates is what made me question the whole thing.

 

Thanks Missmarple, that's really helpful insight from someone who has dated introverts in the past, haha. I agree that there hasn't been enough evidence, which is why I even had to ask the question here haha, and is why I'm still observing and deciding. Like SoulTaker said, I don't have enough experience with introverts, so it is hard for me to tell if it's one way or the other. The one time I went on several dates with a true introvert (7 years ago!), he was acting in a not dissimilar way in terms of opening up, it never even got to the hand holding/kissing stage before ending. I was much younger and less experienced at the time to be patient with an introvert haha! We are still friends (he's the cousin of a good friend of mine), only years later he said he was indeed genuinely interested, but our dating style & speed at the time were very different (I used to rush into things too quickly, actually still has a tendency to do so now lol, but consciously trying to take things much slower).

 

But from your experience, it seems it's more likely that he's disinterested / keeping me at arm's length because he's not looking for something serious (well not with me anyway). After 9 dates (including getting physical on the last date), wouldn't you think even an introvert would have opened up by now? Now, I haven't been on another date with him yet as he's gone interstate for a week for work (probably also a good time to regroup I did find he acted more relaxed around me after sex, being more playful and a bit more talkative etc. So I think I'll observe more on the next date to gather more data lol.

 

To answer your question, I am fairly expressive and speak my mind a fair bit, definitely on the more talkative side. I found on a few dates when I was a bit quiet, we ended up having a lot of silent moments, but when I wasn't overthinking things and opened up like I do with friends etc, he also talked more and conversation just flowed. Just to be sure though, he does share a fair bit on dates, telling me past stories (mostly interesting ones), talk about his family, about work etc. He also texted me the day after sex to say hi and check in, not that it necessarily mean anything but it's always nice to hear from someone the day after, haha. What led me to think he's not open and communicative is the lack of expression or indication as to how he feels about me, lack of any deep and meaningful discussions (about anything), lack of increased pace in communication (increasing number of dates and frequency of texts, actually both have gone a bit less frequent), he also doesn't ask a lot of questions (that could be a personality thing though? Not sure). Thoughts from an experienced introvert dater?

[notalady]

He's using the job status as the reason why he's casual dating. That is why I listed the option for her to confirm whether it's a valid excuse. Not everyone can get along with every type of personality. Each person has to know what works, and doesn't work for them. I can get along with an introverted person, as long as they can become outgoing with me.

 

Just to provide more context around the job and casual dating thing, he never said anything to me about dating casually, everything progressed like a normal dating situation would, except for the short term dating thing I picked up on his profile. I know some people had said I shouldn't have even gone on dates with him at the start without clarifying, but I have seen a lot of people, in fact the majority, have "new friends" and/or "short term dating", along with "long term dating" thrown in there (in his case, it was just new friends and short term dating), these dating categories are confusing as it is, I don't think it's really a true indication of what the person is looking for. Also by the same token, I trust he has also read my profile and saw that I had LTR listed there, not short term. So by asking me out then progressing physically, I'm assuming he's either being genuinely interested or being misleading/irresponsible.

 

The job situation came up only when I asked him about what he meant by the "short term dating" thing on his profile and he explained it's because of the job situation and that he knows "it's a bit of a downer" (direct quote). He just wanted to put it out there as a disclaimer of sort (I'm paraphrasing here). Now that could be either he genuinely is being honest and didn't want to mislead people, which I can understand completely, for someone who's been living in a different city with not many friends here, wanting to meet new people, craving intimacy and potentially wanting to find a suitable partner, at the same time having to live with the uncertainty of the work situation. Or, he's just using it as a get-out-of-jail-free card (believe me I know all about "dating disclaimers" haha). Any additional thoughts?

[mhowe]

You are the one that has spoken to him, face to face. No one has any idea of his intentions.

[missmarple]

You may THINK you are expressive but talkative doesn't mean expressive.

When I said I was expressive with my introverted bf's, I meant I actually asked them 'do you want us to be together? yes or no? I really like you and want to be with you'....and that was even before we slept together

[notalady]

You may THINK you are expressive but talkative doesn't mean expressive.

When I said I was expressive with my introverted bf's, I meant I actually asked them 'do you want us to be together? yes or no? I really like you and want to be with you'....and that was even before we slept together

 

Oh I thought you meant expressing thoughts and feelings in general. Yea, no I haven't asked about exclusivity. Probably won't until I decide what I want, especially seeing I just met this other guy who I actually think is a better personality fit for me (only just had one date though..)

 

But I will be asking where he sees this going etc so I know if we're on the same page.

 

To be honest I've never had to ask for exclusivity before. The guy generally asks me or it's so blatantly obvious that we were a couple there were no need to ask. So this is new to me.

[SoulTaker]

Notalady (interesting username), so far I've just been replying to your updates. As to my own thoughts (remember, you asked), you might not like what I have to state. I think he's full of it. He should have told you after the date in which he decided in his mind that you were a keeper. You did the right thing in asking, but once you knew his intentions, you should have had a plan of action to execute (leave, or treat it as casual), and you didn't.

 

I don't assume anything. I go by what people do, and not what they say. Even if they don't tell me "short term", if they act that way, then that is how I will treat them. If I'm looking LTR (and she acts "short term"), then I'll keep dating, and will see her if I have the time and nothing to do. Mhowe explained it well, no one knows what's in his head. This is online dating, anything goes.

[notalady]

Haha, thanks for that, yes I should have had a plan of action after asking the question. Anyway, not too late to have one now lol.. I'll update again once I've spoken to him probably next week. We shall find out!

 

I picked that name back in 2012 when I used this forum (once), I don't even remember why I chose it now haha. Oh well, I guess I'm just not very lady-like

[SoulTaker]

Haha, thanks for that, yes I should have had a plan of action after asking the question. Anyway, not too late to have one now lol.. I'll update again once I've spoken to him probably next week. We shall find out!

 

I picked that name back in 2012 when I used this forum (once), I don't even remember why I chose it now haha. Oh well, I guess I'm just not very lady-like

 

I wouldn't say that "not very lady-like". As for your upcoming meeting, it depends on whether you're going to ask him about the situation, or tell him what you're going to do about the situation. Good luck with your meeting.

[Batya33]

Good luck with the conversation. When I met men through on line dating sites I only met men who listed "marriage and family" as what they were looking for. I never assumed that someone who did not list that actually was looking for that kind of commitment. Of course some of them were probably lying or not sure but I never would have assumed the opposite was true.

[notalady]

Hey guys, here's the update as promised

 

I asked him on the last date what are his thoughts about where this is going, so that I know what I'm getting into. He said he hadn't really thought about it and was really just enjoying spending time with me (and not just in the bedroom, quote unquote lol). However he doesn't want to get into anything too serious due to the job situation. -- an answer that was expected.

 

He asked me what are my thoughts on it. I said I want a serious relationship, not necessarily with him, just in general. And that I wasn't sure where this is going either, but obviously wouldn't want to get serious with someone who doesn't want to get serious! So it's good to know where we stand.

 

All in all nothing surprising came out of it, and ball's in my court as to whether I want to continue it as a casual thing, which I admit is tempting (having just gotten out of a failed LTR not that long ago) Anyway I'll ponder on that.

 

Thanks guys for all your advices and obviously not afraid to tell it as it is, haha!

 

Have a good day!

[Batya33]

I'm glad he confirmed his intentions and I guess clarified them. Now that he knows you want a serious relationship he might have a not so great impression if you keep on having sex with him. He is sure where it is going -meaning he knows he doesn't want to try to build anything serious. You are not sure whether you want to be serious with him but your general goal is a serious relationship so those are not compatible intentions (i.e. it's not that both of you "are not sure where this is going").

[notalady]

I'm glad he confirmed his intentions and I guess clarified them. Now that he knows you want a serious relationship he might have a not so great impression if you keep on having sex with him. He is sure where it is going -meaning he knows he doesn't want to try to build anything serious. You are not sure whether you want to be serious with him but your general goal is a serious relationship so those are not compatible intentions (i.e. it's not that both of you "are not sure where this is going").

 

Yes they are not compatible intentions. Though obviously now I am sure that I don't want something serious with him!

 

I'm not really worried about his impression of me, given it's not going anywhere anyway. I'm really just assessing the two options (1) walk away, (2) continue seeing him with the expectation that it will be a casual relationship, till something better/real comes along.