Batya33 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Yes they are not compatible intentions. Though obviously now I am sure that I don't want something serious with him! I'm not really worried about his impression of me, given it's not going anywhere anyway. I'm really just assessing the two options (1) walk away, (2) continue seeing him with the expectation that it will be a casual relationship, till something better/real comes along. I know you just want something casual now with him but even in a casual interaction the dynamic can become problematic when one person knows the other one is settling for scraps (and he likely will have that impression because he knows your general goals and that obviously if he would have been interested in seeing if there was potential, you would have as well). I'd walk away if I were you. Link to comment
marshmallow107 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Hey! In my experience...if a guy isn't interested they generally distance themselves from the situation. If he's still attempting to arrange dates and spend time with you then great, if he's holding back then I'd be wanting to find out more. I think once or twice a week is fine at this stage. When to have the relationship talk, I just don't know the answer to that! I have a friend who has just had it after 8 months and has had her heart broken, I also had another friend who waited a year and now they're engaged. I think every relationship is different. I guess the real question is are you happy with your situation at the moment...and if not then go ahead and do something about it x Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Hey guys, here's the update as promised All in all nothing surprising came out of it, and ball's in my court as to whether I want to continue it as a casual thing, which I admit is tempting (having just gotten out of a failed LTR not that long ago) Anyway I'll ponder on that. Why do you keep picking men that are unlikely to want you for the long term? First someone long distance which fails the majority of the time and now someone who clearly in their profile let you know that they are not interested in anything that's going to last. Before you decide if you're going to be in a non-exclusive "enjoying of time together" why don't you figure out what your end dating goal is because by all accounts, you're having some fear of commitment and that's why you're finding these types of men attractive... because to you, they're safe. Thanks guys for all your advices and obviously not afraid to tell it as it is, haha! nope... not afraid of that at all (whether you think it applies or not... it's just the way *I* (we?) see things. Look after yourself, Lady. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Hey! In my experience...if a guy isn't interested they generally distance themselves from the situation. If he's still attempting to arrange dates and spend time with you then great, if he's holding back then I'd be wanting to find out more. I think once or twice a week is fine at this stage. When to have the relationship talk, I just don't know the answer to that! I have a friend who has just had it after 8 months and has had her heart broken, I also had another friend who waited a year and now they're engaged. I think every relationship is different. I guess the real question is are you happy with your situation at the moment...and if not then go ahead and do something about it x He is interested. He is interested in dating her casually. He is uninterested in developing anything serious with her. If he said he was interested in something serious then seeing her once or twice a week at this stage would be consistent with that. Maybe you didn't read her update. Link to comment
notalady Posted July 8, 2014 Author Share Posted July 8, 2014 Why do you keep picking men that are unlikely to want you for the long term? First someone long distance which fails the majority of the time and now someone who clearly in their profile let you know that they are not interested in anything that's going to last. Before you decide if you're going to be in a non-exclusive "enjoying of time together" why don't you figure out what your end dating goal is because by all accounts, you're having some fear of commitment and that's why you're finding these types of men attractive... because to you, they're safe. nope... not afraid of that at all (whether you think it applies or not... it's just the way *I* (we?) see things. Look after yourself, Lady. Hmm a bit of misunderstanding there? I never had a long distance relationship. Lol. I just got out of a long term relationship that lasted a couple of years, which was a rather stressful relationship, so was happy to just enjoy singledom for a while. Over the long term yes I want something serious, and having something casual doesn't preclude me from meeting other men. At the moment, I've gone on a first date with two other guy, got along with both really well and both of them had asked for a second date, one of them I'm more interested in than the other, but anyway obviously very early stages and I'd like to get to know them better. If I was to have a casual relationship and then found someone I want to get serious with, I'd just end the casual thing which isn't normally that complicated (done that before). It can be done, just gotta keep a clear head and not get emotionally involved / attached. Anyway the question is whether I want to, which I'm still thinking about. Link to comment
notalady Posted July 8, 2014 Author Share Posted July 8, 2014 I know you just want something casual now with him but even in a casual interaction the dynamic can become problematic when one person knows the other one is settling for scraps (and he likely will have that impression because he knows your general goals and that obviously if he would have been interested in seeing if there was potential, you would have as well). I'd walk away if I were you. Thanks I'll have a think about that Just to clarify, are you talking about the way he treats me given this knowledge? Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Sorry, I mis-read there. I though you said long distance rather then long term. If you can keep your emotions out of a situation where there is ongoing sexual chemistry then all the power to you. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Thanks I'll have a think about that Just to clarify, are you talking about the way he treats me given this knowledge? Yes -now that he knows he will of course wonder why you are settling for scraps and he will likely conclude that your self-esteem is not what it should be - that you don't have a strong enough backbone and assert boundaries to take care of you. Typically that's a turn-off unless he's the kind of guy who enjoys being in control/power of someone insecure (or who appears that way). Link to comment
notalady Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 Yes -now that he knows he will of course wonder why you are settling for scraps and he will likely conclude that your self-esteem is not what it should be - that you don't have a strong enough backbone and assert boundaries to take care of you. Typically that's a turn-off unless he's the kind of guy who enjoys being in control/power of someone insecure (or who appears that way). Thanks for clarifying. Yea obviously I'll have no way of knowing if he'll perceive me that way. However I'll want things to work on my terms, not his. I.e. He doesn't get to see me when he wants to see me, he gets to see me when I want to see him. He already knows I have a pretty busy social life, I always made sure I could fit him in my schedule when he asked me out on dates (he doesn't know this of course), obviously because I was interested. Now it will pretty much be everything else gets prioritised, if I have free time and provided I feel like company (amongst other things lol) then I'll see him. Since the purpose of seeing him is to have a good time and enjoy myself, if anything feels less than enjoyable, such as if I feel disrespect from his part, he won't ever see me again. Anyway, I'll just play it by ear, if I feel like seeing him again I will, if not I'll just let it be. Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I stand by my update (above) that was listed before the meeting. We both knew what he was going to say, so you should have had a plan in place after the meeting. If you feel that he was deceptive in how he went about things, and his goal was mainly to get you horizontal, then you move on. If you feel that he was sincere and honest, and you enjoy his company, then you can start dating other men, with him being the 2nd option (if you're bored and have nothing to do). Link to comment
notalady Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 I stand by my update (above) that was listed before the meeting. We both knew what he was going to say, so you should have had a plan in place after the meeting. If you feel that he was deceptive in how he went about things, and his goal was mainly to get you horizontal, then you move on. If you feel that he was sincere and honest, and you enjoy his company, then you can start dating other men, with him being the 2nd option (if you're bored and have nothing to do). Yea it's pretty much the second scenario here and that's my plan from now on. I've never stopped dating other men either, even when I was interested in him lol, so that will continue as is. Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Yea it's pretty much the second scenario here and that's my plan from now on. I've never stopped dating other men either, even when I was interested in him lol, so that will continue as is. True, but sometimes when you're spending time with the 2nd option (him) that's not a priority, you might not be putting in the time and effort in pursuing the 1st option (someone who is interested in a LTR). But, I know that you're aware of this. Link to comment
notalady Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 True, but sometimes when you're spending time with the 2nd option (him) that's not a priority, you might not be putting in the time and effort in pursuing the 1st option (someone who is interested in a LTR). But, I know that you're aware of this. That's very true, thanks for the reminder, I'll certainly keep that in mind Link to comment
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