My boyfriend is flip-flopping DAILY on the idea of having children! HELP :(

[Seraphim]

I understand that anxiety and depression can be inherited, but I suffer from neither and I suspect a lot of his anxiety was taught to him by his mother. His parents attitude toward his mental problems growing up were pretty disconnected. His mom babied him and fed his anxiety while his father told him to man-up and stop worrying so much. They weren't great parents.

 

Regarding the medication, he's taken zoloft before but became addicted to it; I don't know the details but he doesn't say many positive things about his experience with it. I might suggest, though, that he try taking a low dose of Klonopin to see if that eases some of his concerns. Thanks for the information! It's encouraging to know that there is help out there for GAD that works.

 

You're confusing dependence with addiction they are not the same thing at all. Talk to a doctor about the difference between dependence and addiction. And if somebody needs medication to be able to get through life what is wrong with that? If medication makes you functional and happy that should be a good reason to take it. Is your boyfriend super happy the way he is right now I would bet not.

[Seraphim]

I understand that anxiety and depression can be inherited, but I suffer from neither and I suspect a lot of his anxiety was taught to him by his mother. His parents attitude toward his mental problems growing up were pretty disconnected. His mom babied him and fed his anxiety while his father told him to man-up and stop worrying so much. They weren't great parents.

 

Regarding the medication, he's taken zoloft before but became addicted to it; I don't know the details but he doesn't say many positive things about his experience with it. I might suggest, though, that he try taking a low dose of Klonopin to see if that eases some of his concerns. Thanks for the information! It's encouraging to know that there is help out there for GAD that works.

And if you want to talk about dependency try Klonopin . I took Klonopin for year because I've PTSD. Now there's a nasty drug to come off of. The weaning schedule took me three months and I was on a very tiny dose. If you ask me benzo's are far more harsh than an SSRI.

[SooSad33]

Right, if you're taking a medication for the right reason's you will not become addicted to it.

[annie24]

I've taken lexapro for GAD with good results.

[Seraphim]

A lot of times too people don't take their SSRI long enough for it to accumulate in the system and make a difference. Minimum 6 to 8 weeks to build up enough in the system to make a difference. And also six to 8 weeks for the tiredness to wear off and you become more or less your normal energy level again.

 

And dependence is not addiction!

[Fudgie]

I take 2 drugs for depression and anxiety. I am definitely dependent on them in order to control my depression. when I don't take them, I can feel a difference. I become dysfunctional. It's because my normal brain state is NOT normal, and it makes me sick. I need medications to be my BEST self.

 

As Vic said, dependence is NOT addiction. I am on the right medication for me and it's working. That's not addiction in the least.

[dasanisun]

I take 2 drugs for depression and anxiety. I am definitely dependent on them in order to control my depression. when I don't take them, I can feel a difference. I become dysfunctional. It's because my normal brain state is NOT normal, and it makes me sick. I need medications to be my BEST self.

 

As Vic said, dependence is NOT addiction. I am on the right medication for me and it's working. That's not addiction in the least.

 

Those words, 'dependence is not addiction' mean a lot to me. I've always had a very real fear of addiction. It's because of this that I've avoided most medications throughout my life. My boyfriend is helping me understand how they can really improve a person's life, though. I never really thought of it that way, though. It makes perfect sense that you can depend on a medication to become happy and functional without being addicted to it. I think I will share that with my boyfriend; he will appreciate them as much as I do.

 

As a side note, I haven't mentioned the baby thing to my boyfriend in about a week (that's a long time for me). Last night he began discussing going back on klonopin and today he admitted that he wanted to talk over the idea of him becoming a stay-at-home dad while he finishes his biomedical degree. He has been talking a lot lately about how having a child might give him a sense of purpose that he doesn't have at the moment. This is probably the biggest flip-flop he's done since he decided (out of the blue) to move to Florida and live with me, but not entirely unexpected. He has a history of making big life-changing decisions seemingly out of nowhere when in fact he has been thinking about them for a long time but has been too anxious to actually discuss them with me.

[Seraphim]

Do not lay on a baby the job of " giving a parent purpose." A baby's job is to be a baby and that's it. They need unconditional love and support . They are not there to unconditionally love and support the parent and make the parent feel better.

[Fudgie]

Babies do not give purpose to someone. Look at all the dead-beat dads out there. Those babies certainly did not give them any purpose or make them better people. Purpose is something that you give yourself. Your future children deserve parents who are willing and able to raise them to be good people. Parents who have children because they want "purpose" or "unconditional love" are not going to be good parents. Babies are not GIVERS, they are TAKERS in the sense that they require so much love, care, and support. That's why it's SO important to be as emotionally healthy as you can be before you have children. So you can be prepared to give and care for them in a very big way. That's what they require.

 

Just to add, an addiction is when you seek out something to the detriment of other areas of your life. My antidepressants are not addictive anyway but I know I am not addicted because of WHY I take them. I make an active choice everyday to take my meds. I take them because they keep me feeling good and normal. Without them, I am not functional. And that's not from withdrawal, that's because my brain chemistry is messed up. An addict takes a substance because they will go through withdrawals without it. They also may crave it. I don't "crave" my medicine at all. I don't get a "high" feeling or anything from it.

 

Your boyfriend's trend toward impulsivity is definitely disturbing. I would really wait on having a children with this man. He doesn't sound willing OR ready in any sense of the word.

[Lonewing]

As a modern woman, you have the opportunity to not only choose who will be the father of your children, but also who their dad will be. They simply need not be the same man.

 

With that being said, it's probably best to be with someone who is as sure of this as you are - it's hard to go anywhere when the other wheel is running in the opposite direction.

 

And whatever people want to say, there are a ton of people who derive meaning out of their own lives through raising kids. if you do have kids, the most you can do is make sure they always have at least one parent who truly cares about them, even if the other doesn't.

[Cheetarah]

I also avoided meds for a majority of my life, but now that I know how I feel on the proper dose the right antidepressant/anti anxiety med for me, I really wish that I would have done it sooner!

 

I completely agree on the sentiment that children do not exist for other people to fill their voids. Just as, adoption is for children who need loving and stable homes, not parents that need children to love them and stabilize THEIR homes. It is a very dangerous line of thinking and it's incredibly emotionally unhealthy for everyone. I mean, what a huge responsibility to foot on a child!

[Cheetarah]

And whatever people want to say, there are a ton of people who derive meaning out of their own lives through raising kids.

 

Of course. I love being my son's mother, and it has enriched my life to be responsible for him. But I didn't have him because I wanted someone who was always going to love me or give me a role. There is a huge difference.

[Batya33]

Chiming in with the others that it's unhealthy and unfair to expect a baby to give you "purpose".

[dasanisun]

I just wanted to give everyone a quick update. After months of my boyfriend flip flopping back and forth while on Xanax (due to some of the responses on this forum) and then klonopin, I gave up and told him that we did not have to have children. Two weeks later, out of the blue, he told me that he wanted children and proposed to me. He has ceased flip-flopping and talks regularly about our future children. He has told me that he feels for the first time in his life that he has a future and a life to look forward to. We have been trying for the past 2 months to conceive and I have a feeling this last month has been successful.

 

Everything has literally changed. I don't know if the klonopin made the difference or if he had some internal struggles he had to work through on his own, but I feel like he's finally becoming the person he and I have both been waiting for him to be. I know each person is different, but I always felt deep down that he was someone worth waiting for and I think I'll always feel that way about him.

 

As a side note - a lot of his fears of becoming a father had to do with his fears of losing me - either physically or emotionally. We spent several long nights before we began trying, discussing his fears in detail and making plans and coming up with solutions to prevent them from ever coming to fruition. I think these discussions may have been the real turning point for him. Even after he said he wanted children, he was a little worried, but now he seems confident, comfortable, and even excited about possibly becoming a father.

[Batya33]

It sounds like things are going in a positive direction now. Are you going to get married soon or are you waiting until after you have a baby?

[dasanisun]

It sounds like things are going in a positive direction now. Are you going to get married soon or are you waiting until after you have a baby?

 

We are getting married soon - probably in January. Also, I confirmed that I am indeed expecting. When I told him, he began crying and said, "I'm so happy. I had no idea I'd be this happy." He then took away my peanut butter M&Ms and lectured me on gestational diabetes. I feel like I have a stay at home OB nurse. His mom is an OB nurse.. I had no idea how much she had taught him.

 

We're extremely happy!

[dasanisun]

Well for anyone who still cares- my ‘boyfriend’ and I have been married over 4 yrs. we have two children - an (almost 4 yr old) Boy who is the most amazing child on earth! And a perfect little monster girl who is 20 months. My husband has blossomed before my very eyes! He is the best father two small children could have. He does literally 50% of all the child care and house cleaning. I don’t know how .... but I won life. Patience really paid off.

 

My husband and I are so happy together! Our children are amazing and our life together could not be more perfect.

 

Patience does pay off.