Dumb trivial facebook crap. Need to vent mainly.

[Unreasonable]

So, my wife is an insecure mess right now, and it's manifesting in various points of our lives.

 

She started playing Monster World again and uses multiple accounts facebook accounts to grind I guess, including mine.

 

Well, she ran into a post on my news feed that she considered flirtatious. A female former work colleague I worked with (she now lives 4000 miles away) posted some meme about "Hug an engineer today (even though they won't like it)" and I said something like "Watch it with software engineers, they might like it and give you some unwanted attention which the friend "liked". Dumb joke about how stereotypes of software engineers having problems with women. Well, I'm a software engineer and my wife misinterpreted this as I would have given her unwanted attention, and she confronted me. I said it was nothing, a dumb joke, if I was going to flirt with someone I certainly wouldn't do it on my news feed, and if she DID take it as flirtatious, she's 4000 miles away and couldn't do anything about it if she wanted to. My wife says "well, if it bothered me that much I would have woke you up" (she was night surfing).

 

And that was that. Or so I thought.

 

After a couple of days I noticed my friend wasn't posting to my feed. I only noticed this because she posts like 4 times a day. I checked her facebook page, and, sure enough, I was no longer following her.

 

I know for a FACT my wife unfollowed her.

 

I figured if I confronted my wife, she'd throw the "Ah-HAH! I knew you'd notice, you care about her!" at me. In reality, I'm mostly pissed that she screwed with my facebook.

 

So, my passive-aggressive self got on her facebook (she leaves it open all the time) and randomly unfollowed 4 of her more prolific posting friends, all male. I'm pretty sure she's going to notice this eventually. I WANT her to notice it. If she confronts me, my plan is to innocently deny it. "Now why would I do something silly like that?" By playing dumb, maybe I can get her to fess up.

 

I know two wrongs don't make a right, and I probably went about this the wrong way. But it was delicious. I also know the root problem is deeper than this.

 

What would you have done?

[JA0371]

You are both acting like 10 year old kids....seriously. Get a grip.

[mhowe]

Refriended the person, and changed my password.

 

Your root problems are way deeper then FB crap.

[BigKK]

Ok there is a few issues...

 

 

1. it sounds like flirting, your wife was probably right - were you flirting? (be honest)

 

2. you're now doing the same to her... childish, you won't solve anything.

 

3. there is something called emotionally cheating, I doubt you're comitting it, but I would lean on your wife being insecure... BUT the way you're handling this doesn't make you sound innocent but rather makes me feel that this former coworker means more to you than just a friend. If I'm wrong, you have a horrible way of bringing up issues.

 

 

 

Lastly, your wife needs to stop playing facebook games and using your facebook to do it. Do you guys have a happy relationship otherwise?

[Angler]

So, my wife is an insecure mess right now, and it's manifesting in various points of our lives.

 

Time to look in the mirror.

 

I'm remembering the DTF thread.

[LC8328]

I don't know, I probably would have asked things like, "Why does it make you feel uncomfortable? Do you trust me? Let's talk about this and clear the air."

 

For what it's worth, had I been your wife, I would have felt the same way about your ex-co-worker's post. Wrong or right, I would have felt threatened by it. We realize when another woman is making 'cutesy jokes' with our men.

 

However, I wouldn't have unfollowed your friend on your behalf. It sounds like you guys need to learn how to communicate. I mean really communicate in a serious and positive manner. Seems to me that until you make a change, things like this are going to keep happening.

[Unreasonable]

No, there is absolutely nothing going on with this woman and never has. She's a friend and nothing more.

 

And I know my response was childish. But, I didn't want to add any validation to her (incorrect) thoughts by getting all up in her grill and ask her why she she unfollowed her (which I'm pretty certain she would have denied). I still have her unfollowed and will until this is resolved. I just wanted her to feel the same violation that I felt, so she knows what it is like to have people meddle with your stuff.

 

And just to clarify, this co-worker did NOTHING wrong. She didn't post on my wall, she made a facebook post that showed up on my feed. It wasn't directed at me, and was just one of those picture memes. I responded to it with a bad joke, which was not meant to be flirtatious at all.

[Ms Darcy]

You are both acting like 10 year old kids....seriously. Get a grip.

 

 

More like 8 year olds. You guys need therapy.

[amipushy]

Sounded like a flirt to me and I would have been pissed too if my partner had said that to another woman.

 

You both need to stop using each others fb, in fact why dont you both deactivate your accounts and spend some quality time alone together instead.

[DancingFool]

When it comes to solving conflict you are both acting like five year olds, which solves nothing. You are both ridiculous and insecure too. Birds of a feather in that respect.

 

Not only would you benefit from counseling, and I don't mean the go whine to a therapist about your troubled childhood kind of counseling, but more constructive behavioral therapy. You both need to learn from scratch how to communicate and behave like adults, something that for whatever reason neither one of you has learned along the way.

 

Also, you both need to learn how to give each other some space and privacy within a relationship. A healthy marriage requires having some healthy boundaries. Both of you reading things/snippets of conversations out of context that were never meant for your eyes or ears and then reacting to it will destroy you both.

[Unreasonable]

You both need to stop using each others fb, in fact why dont you both deactivate your accounts and spend some quality time alone together instead

I'd actually be down with that. I check FB like once a day, usually out of boredom, and don't really care about it. She would never do that though.

[MisUnderstood9]

I had this same issue as your wife does, my boyfriend has a female friend (who lives maybe 1000kms away) that sometime posts things that I dont find to be jokely. I brought it up to him that it bother me, he knew that it wasnt that I did trust him, I just didnt appreciate it and he addressed it to his friend that her "jokely" posts are coming off flirtatous and he doesnt appreciate it, she apologized and actually wrote me apologizing that it came off that way. --- This is how a GROWN UP deals with things like that..

 

You two need counselling because you sound like children and have poor communication skills.

[Unreasonable]

Not only would you benefit from counseling, and I don't mean the go whine to a therapist about your troubled childhood kind of counseling, but more constructive behavioral therapy. You both need to learn from scratch how to communicate and behave like adults, something that for whatever reason neither one of you has learned along the way.

Yeah, probably time for that. She thinks counselors are worthless (and I admit the last counselor we went to years ago was an idiot that looked like she had been on the job for a couple weeks), but I guess we can try again.

[DancingFool]

Yeah, probably time for that. She thinks counselors are worthless (and I admit the last counselor we went to years ago was an idiot that looked like she had been on the job for a couple weeks), but I guess we can try again.

 

Look for someone who is specifically a behavioral therapy specialist and experienced in that. They work on altering behavioral habits. It's more practical and pragmatic. Almost like a sports coach, except it's not about sports. Also, it's not just about going to something like that, but finding the right fit for you both. You can call and kind of ask about them and their methods and whether that would be potentially the right fit for you ahead of time. Look around and interview a bit. Don't waste time and money blindly. The good ones will be upfront on whether your issue is something they handle and if not, ask them if they know someone who might be right for you. Even so, don't accept a referral blindly.

[greta96]

I would have felt exactly as your wife did - that message was flirtatious. Whether you meant it as such or not, only you know. But that's how it came out, like you and her were both flirting with each other on FB.

 

You both acted childish, yes. Especially you. She should have of course discussed it with you more and not just unfollow the woman without your knowledge, but what you did was just as immature and wrong.

 

How about both of you started spending less time on superficial things such as FB and more time doing things together?

[Unreasonable]

It was not intended to be flirtatious, I did not mean it as such, and I explained it to her. And she supposedly took my word for it.

 

So, what do I do now?

 

I can go back and refollow her friends, fine. Easy peasy.

 

What do I say to her? I can tell you, right now, that if I asked her if she unfollowed this friend, she will either deny it, or accuse me of "noticing."

 

What do I do in relation to my facebook account? If I refollow this friend, she will notice I did that, and get all bent out of joint whether she confronts me or not. If I lock down my account, she will accuse me of hiding things from her.

 

And yes, I can deactivate my account, but I don't think I should have to, based of ONE "questionable" comment, and she WILL not do this in turn, which is what I think would only be fair. This is not the first time facebook issues have come up, and NOT by me.

[Kendahke]

Confronted her about her jacking with my account without my permission and I would change my password and not give it to her any more nor would I leave my computer up. AND I would block her so she couldn't see my feed. If she had anything to say about it, I would tell her that I have a huge problem with someone who 1. I cannot trust to leave my account settings alone and 2. who obviously does not seem to be able to trust me based on absolutely no reason whatsoever because of an overactive imagination and way too much time on her hands.

[amipushy]

Who cares, really?

 

Does it reallllly matter if you stop 'following' someone, especially if the person isnt even a 'real life' friend? She was angry when she did it so let it go. You said it yourself, its dumb trivial facebook crap. Re-add her followers, then stay off there for a good while so it all blows over. Go out on a date night and have a good time instead.

[Unreasonable]

Who cares, really?

 

Does it reallllly matter if you stop 'following' someone, especially if the person isnt even a 'real life' friend? She was angry when she did it so let it go. You said it yourself, its dumb trivial facebook crap. Re-add her followers, then stay off there for a good while so it all blows over. Go out on a date night and have a good time instead.

I'd like to. Like I said, I don't give a crap that this particular person was unfollowed. I DO give a crap that she feels like she has license to "jack with my account" so to speak, for any reason. And I don't know that I'm just going to be able to let that go with no consequence.

[amipushy]

Then change your password.

 

To be honest, you remind me of my children squabbling in the back of the car when they were about 7 and 9 years old... He did, she did.. Boo hoo!

 

Its pathetic! Grow up!

[Angler]

I'd actually be down with that. I check FB like once a day, usually out of boredom, and don't really care about it. She would never do that though.

 

Yeah, probably time for that. She thinks counselors are worthless (and I admit the last counselor we went to years ago was an idiot that looked like she had been on the job for a couple weeks), but I guess we can try again.

 

It was not intended to be flirtatious, I did not mean it as such, and I explained it to her. And she supposedly took my word for it.

 

What do I say to her? I can tell you, right now, that if I asked her if she unfollowed this friend, she will either deny it, or accuse me of "noticing."

 

What do I do in relation to my facebook account? If I refollow this friend, she will notice I did that, and get all bent out of joint whether she confronts me or not. If I lock down my account, she will accuse me of hiding things from her.

 

And yes, I can deactivate my account, but I don't think I should have to, based of ONE "questionable" comment, and she WILL not do this in turn, which is what I think would only be fair. This is not the first time facebook issues have come up, and NOT by me.

 

You are incredibly negative and suspicious. You're displaying a victim mentality, and making many assumptions on behalf of your wife.

 

This will not be solved here.

 

Seek therapy - solo for sure, and couples if you you want the relationship to survive.

[Unreasonable]

You are incredibly negative and suspicious. You're displaying a victim mentality, and making many assumptions on behalf of your wife.

 

I've known my wife for 22 years, have had discussions about every single thing you pointed out, often ad nauseum, have had many experiences with every single thing you pointed out, and a great many other things.

 

These are not blind assumptions. Not by a long shot.

 

You don't know her and you barely know me. So yeah, in that way, you are correct, this won't be completely solved here.

 

However, I've gotten some good advice here that have put some things into perspective, thanks all.

[Lonewing]

Once again...Facebook cannot give you what you already have.

[Unreasonable]

I refollowed her friends as suggested. so back where I started. Still pondering next step.

[DancingFool]

Dear wife, I thought we have discussed the issue with so and so and have come to an understanding that I was not making any intentional passes at her. It was just a stupid comment that I thought was in vein with the joke pic she had posted about my profession. I do realize now that it might read different and for that I am sorry. I hope that after 22 years we know each other well enough to know better than that. Anyway, my understanding was that we had laid the issue to rest. It would appear that you took the liberty to mess with my settings and delete her. This was out of line. If it still bothered you and you wanted me to delete her, you simply should have come to me and asked. I would hope you understand that my marriage matters more than some woman I used to work? with. When you chose to delete her behind my back like that, you crossed lines that I find unacceptable. You will not have further access to my FB and I would like an apology from you. If you have an issue with who I talk to and how, address it with me. Deleting someone off my FB without telling me is unacceptable.