How to go about FWB right

[feelfreefloat]

Main points:

- Told new guy I didn't want a serious relationship or to be a booty call

- he wanted to stay friends and we didn't have to hook up

- decided to stay friends and hook up

- we have seen each other every day since we made the agreement but have only "hung out" three times (which is more than I had anticipated)

- we don't text unless it's for logistics or to ask something and when he's with me he never pulls out his phone (I on the other hand......)

 

Totally fine FWB situation.

 

My only concern is that he acts extremely affectionate when we are together. Perhaps it's just his personality, but he cuddles hardcore and doesn't let me leave when I say that I'm going to go. We always chat before and after as he tries to make small talk. He has offered to feed me/has fed me multiple times and has introduced me to his roommates and his friends. He recently wanted to make plans to cook together and watch movies and whatnot.

 

I have never been in a FWB before, so I just wanted to see if this was normal/not normal? I won't lie and say I don't like it, but I would think avoiding this type of behavior would prevent one of us from getting too attached. Just looking for some advice!

[lavenderdove]

You say you don't want to be serious, but you see each other every day?

 

It sounds like what he wants to do is date. And if you are agreeing to see him all the time and cooking, watching movies etc., that sounds like dating.

 

What is it you really want? If you're not into this guy and he is into you and wants you as a GF, have mercy on him and cut him loose. Otherwise he is going to think if he hangs around long enough he 'owns' you and that you'll eventually agree to be his BF. Most FWBs see each other only rarely (once a month or once every couple weeks at most), and don't stay in constant contact with each other as if they were BF/GF. They just basically hook up once in a while with no strings attached.

 

If you see each other and have this level of contact, I'm 100% sure that sooner or later one or both of you is going to get your heart broken if the other person doesn't have the same feelings as you do.

 

So if you want a real FWB, ramp it back to seeing him only once or twice a month. Then you can do the whole 'catching up' thing and maybe go to dinner or a movie then have your booty call, and keep it light. And FWB usual doesn't involve a whole lot of snuggling and trying to make you stay later/longer etc. So have dinner once a month, leap into bed, then leap out again when you're done. That will keep it from getting too heavy.

[mhowe]

I would think much less attentive behavior would remove the friend part and make it seem like hiring a hooker.

[HeartGoesOn]

What was it that changed your mind from not wanting a relationship or being a booty call, to being just that...a booty call?

[mhowe]

Maybe he likes FWB+B..,friends with benefits + breakfast!

[savignon]

Sounds like you don't have a relationship and aren't a booty call...whatever that means.....that's what you asked for and you got just what you wanted....so just enjoy it---most people would love to get what they're asking for!!

[itsallgrand]

Don't expect normal now. You just taught this guy to not take a damn thing you say seriously.

 

So who knows what is going on in his head.

 

But I think, just because someone has sex with you, relationship or not, doesn't mean they won't enjoy other things along with it. Eating or offering you something to eat, saying 'hi' to his friends, being polite and nice to you - maybe that is simply the kind of person he is and he enjoys doing it. It doesn't mean he wasn't paying attention to what you said, necessarily.

So I wouldnt go assuming he is getting attached. Don't become a cocky little kitten thinking you are the one holding the cards (I'm inferring this from you mentioning he turns his phone off when with you, and is sweet, while you say....as for me ....which I heard as "I'm not half as good to him").

[feelfreefloat]

Well I thought by doing all those things it would be clear that I wasn't very invested in whatever we were doing. I would be fine with cuddling but there are little things that make me question if what we are doing is okay. I'm perfectly happy with where it is now, I just want to make sure it's okay to let things sit where they are now. We don't plan on seeing each other every day, it just happens. I love talking with him in a group of people and it's really fun to just hang out, but the one on one stuff is where I'm hesitant because I feel like the line is a little fuzzy. I don't know exactly what is the right way to go about this. He's had a reputation for not wanting to be couple-y or affectionate so maybe that's why I'm curious as to what is going on now

[savignon]

Its hard not to have one on one time when you're having sex with someone. At least be grateful he's not like "thanks..I'll show you to the door".

I mean I don't know how to do it "right" b/c its not my thing at all but there's a whole lot of grey between cold/detached and "borderline relationship".

If things are fine, just leave them. And if you're comfortable, leave after your sex fix and be on your way. That will make your intentions more clear. And definitely don't see him or talk to him everyday....that's pretty misleading and not the same as "let's have sex when its mutually convenient".

I'm not sure how, in your mind/definition one is "supposed to be" when they're not in a relationship but not a booty call....those are opposite things and if you're neither then what are you?? Its very vague and unclear. I'm sure he has no idea what's going on but is enjoying the NSA sex enough not to question it!

[happpybear]

perhaps instead of assuming there is more going on in his head, and trying to send out subtle signs to clearly show how how uninvested you are, you could just outright talk to him and ask him if he is comfortable with the situation as it is, and explain to him that you feel unsure of how interested he may be, and just want to some clarification as to what his feelings are regarding the whole matter. explain that this is your first FWB entanglement and are unsure of the dynamics

[Tanzi]

Well I thought by doing all those things it would be clear that I wasn't very invested in whatever we were doing.

 

By seeing him every day???

 

So, after having said you don't want to be a booty call, you then decide to be just that and after saying you don't want anything serious you proceed to see him every day. What you say you want seems to be totally different from what you are doing. Therefore I'm not sure there is any "normal" in your situation and I expect he is as confused as you seem to be. I know I am!!

[feelfreefloat]

We don't plan to see other, we are in the same major and run into each other frequently. We don't stay in constant communication and that's totally fine.

 

I'm not consciously doing things to make it seem like I want a f buddy or a relationship....I guess I figured we wouldn't talk all that often or hang out all that much but it has been the complete opposite. Sometimes he initiates it sometimes I do. I know there's no perfect formula but I don't want to get myself hurt or hurt anyone else. I guess I'm just worried because of the rep he has, not that it sways my opinion completely, but it has been in the back of my mind

[ParisPaulette]

Am I missing something here? Aren't booty call and FWB pretty much the same thing? And this guy sounds like he just really enjoys your company, but if he doesn't want you as a girlfriend then still he doesn't want you as a girlfriend. Are you just accepting him playing at a relationship, but not committing to one so he can leave the door open for finding someone else new or what's the deal? I'd find it odd. Either tell him as a friends with benefits you want the girlfriend/boyfriend actions left out of it all and it's just about sex OR you tell him it's weirding you out that he treats you like a girlfriend and if that's the way it's going to be then it should be all the way.

 

Otherwise dial things way back with him and date others until you find someone who wants the same thing you do.

[Tanzi]

There is no formula …. you just need to make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to expectations and emotional attachment and that you both feel comfortable with where you are. If it turns out that you see him more than you anticipated and you are both fine with that and are still fine with not labelling it as relationship then perhaps you should just not worry so much about it.

 

If you aren't after a relationship then you don't need to worry about his rep as someone who isn't generally a couply person. That is just other people's opinions anyway.

 

Good communication is key to any successful "relationship" … whatever that relationship may be. Just remember that when two people are intimate, there is a chance that feelings may become involved and that WILL confuse matters.

[Sportster2005]

It's like any other relationship. Communicate your desires and expectations. If they don't match up you're incompatible. Find another FWB.

[Realitynut]

What was it that changed your mind from not wanting a relationship or being a booty call, to being just that...a booty call?

hahahah....my thought exactly but you beat me to it.

[Hoagy]

I admit I don't have personal experience of FWBs but, as I understand it, the general rules are:

 

Don't stay the night - just grab your knickers and call a taxi.

Don't see each other more than 2x a month.

Don't meet each other's friends/family - they will assume you're a couple which will put more pressure on you.

Don't go out for meals, the cinema, the theatre or walks - those are things for couples.

 

If you even know each other's surnames, it's already too late. You already are, to all intents and purposes, a couple. In that case you really need to sit down and talk about this. Be honest with each other. If you feel you might be ready to be a couple then all well and good (nothing wrong with that) but otherwise you need to go your separate ways.

[lavenderdove]

I know a guy who is a real player, and has been his whole life. He LOVES women, but in the same manner a fox loves rabbits. He enjoys the hunt, the game, loves, loves, loves sex and sexual variety, and will treat whatever woman he's with like she's a princess the whole time he is alone with her because that is fun and makes her more receptive to him and more willing to be at his beck and call when he's in the mood.

 

But when he walks out of the room, it's like it never happened because he treats ALL women that way, as if they are interchangeable parts where he gets his fun and jollies and social life with them, but any one is as good as the next. So they are always shocked when he starts being available less and less because he's rotated her out and is rotating some new woman into his harem. What he has done is moved on to the next rabbit! It's a constantly changing cast of characters, where he'll keep them around for a while until he gets bored or she starts having deeper expectations of him, or even the first hint of drama at which point he vanishes like a puff of smoke because he just wants to skim the cream and not have the obligations and permanency of a long-term relationship.

 

So your best bet here is realizing what game you're playing out. It is foxes and rabbits, or deer in rut season, and not nesting love birds. It is not about love or permanence or any kind of strings at all. You're free agents who can come and go, and he could meet some woman tomorrow and instantly your cozy arrangement stops because he's got a new woman in his bed. Just keep that in mind, and don't think this is true love just because he's charming.

 

The player I know is the most charming man in the world, but he is also terribly insincere and a supreme manipulator. If this guy has a bad reputation, you should heed it and try not to get hurt when his attention moves on to someone else.

 

Now there are some cases where it develops into more, but those are frankly rare, because most people if they are interested enough in you to consider you as potential for a GF, will not ask for a FWB situation, they will want to date you. So you need to keep your feet on the ground, and if there is any doubt where it is going, be sure to ask him and don't assume anything.

[Tanzi]

Don't stay the night - just grab your knickers and call a taxi.

Don't see each other more than 2x a month.

Don't meet each other's friends/family - they will assume you're a couple which will put more pressure on you.

Don't go out for meals, the cinema, the theatre or walks - those are things for couples.

 

Wow, I've never seen these rules before. I have been in 3 FWB situations over the years. The first was when I was in mid-20's (before my marriage). The second was not long after my marriage ended and the third was a more emotionally-based one where I wanted more than FWBs (a relationship that had filtered out basically).

 

I will disregard the 3rd as I should never have allowed it to happen but as for the first two, well, we would get together for a whole evening and night. We would enjoy a few drinks, enjoy a meal (I even cooked for FWB No 2 on occasions) and then enjoy some great sex. Each and every time we would spend the night together, often snuggled up. Both FWBs met my friends and came out with us, though I would never have introduced them to my parents. It was never assumed that we were couples and we never had any set amount of time as to how often we could or couldn't see each other. It just happened when it happened because we both fancied a night out in good company with some awesome sex guaranteed at the end of the evening!

 

They were simple situations because there were no emotions or expectations involved. The moment there is any emotions at play then FWBs is NOT going to work. You can usually tell when emotions are creeping in because you will start to expect or be concerned about things, that should otherwise fly over your head.

[Realitynut]

emotions...hmmmm....that's why i could NEVER, EVER be or have a FWB's kind of relationship! Sex to me is all about emotions...or...you're just reduced to being an animal in rutting season...which kinda makes me feel like a ''sloot"'...but then again, that is what we were called in the OLD days!!! lol

 

sigh. Not sure if I'm GLAD i grew up in the 70's and 80's...or SAD that i didn't grow up when everything was 'if it feels good, do it'...and no guilt involved!!!

 

edit. Didn't realize the word i used was considered BAD....and deleted out! hahahaha

[Tanzi]

Well it was my choice to be involved in a FWB situation so I could never see it as me being reduced to being an animal in rutting season. I am an adult. I like sex. I gelled well with these guys and they were on the same page as me.

 

From my own personal experience, I didn't feel like a "sloot" at all because they were both respectable guys and I consider myself a respectable person. We always enjoyed each other's company, they treated me well (insisting on paying for dinner and drinks etc) and sex wasn't always involved. It was as it says on the tin … FRIENDS with benefits. We had fun like friends first and the benefits came afterwards. There were emotions involved to a degree. I liked them as people, I was attracted to them sexually. There was just no love involved or any desire to be in a relationship with them, most likely because my emotions lie elsewhere. I didn't go looking for FWBs and it was never labelled as such. They just happened.

 

I guess they could be better described as extremely casual relationships without the expectation of full-on commitment.

[Realitynut]

Little Blue...hope i didn't to hurt you! I WAS a sloot in the old days...for a few months of really low self esteem.

 

But I don't know how old you are. I was raised that you HAD to be MARRIED before you had sex...or you were a 's'. I just had an 80 yr. old friend ask me, "don't you feel like it's a SIN to have sex with this men and you're not married?" ...ummm...no. So i was raised in the era of big guilt complex heaped on you if you did the deed with multiple people that you weren't connected to emotionally or a bf.

 

I think it's an AGE and ERA thing. Guilt and SEX are ingrained in some of our heads! So A Little Blue...i didn't mean to say YOU were...but more that I FELT THAT WAY!

[feelfreefloat]

I guess I'm just extra cautious because of my knowledge of his past. He told me last night that he was definitely a relationship guy, but there was one reason he didn't want one right now. He could totally be talking out of his a**, but I don't know I'm probably overthinking it. He's just so affectionate and intimate and it confuses me. I can't blame him for doing anything wrong, though, since it was my idea and I only text him when we need to figure out logistical things about when we are going to hang out. He told me he hasn't hooked up with anyone since we started (i told him I wanted him to tell me when/if he does, as I don't want to catch anything).

 

I don't know.

[Minilogue]

All that huggy/kissy crap comes natuaral to some guys. Like me, it's just in their nature, they don't mean to send the wrong singles, but we do I was told by my first FWB that we didn't need to cuddle after sex and if I knew that, I didn't know that! I just said "yeaaaaah ok" not wanting to sound like an idiot. It's just in some guys nature to be affectionate

 

I wouldn't worry about it, if he doesn't want a relationship that is your answer, until/if he changes his mind which in these FWB situations tends to happen and you either split or get into a real relationship. Usually split though

[Tanzi]

Little Blue...hope i didn't to hurt you! I WAS a sloot in the old days...for a few months of really low self esteem.

 

But I don't know how old you are. I was raised that you HAD to be MARRIED before you had sex...or you were a 's'. I just had an 80 yr. old friend ask me, "don't you feel like it's a SIN to have sex with this men and you're not married?" ...ummm...no. So i was raised in the era of big guilt complex heaped on you if you did the deed with multiple people that you weren't connected to emotionally or a bf.

 

I think it's an AGE and ERA thing. Guilt and SEX are ingrained in some of our heads! So A Little Blue...i didn't mean to say YOU were...but more that I FELT THAT WAY!

 

No, not at all Realitynut!

 

I am actually 46 but I think after marriage and divorce I feel much more liberated as regards sex. Marriage isn't on the agenda - and maybe not even a relationship for a while - but I enjoy sex so these situations somehow materialised with people who are in the same boat as me.