Mulder68 Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I need advice. After a year apart from my husband I moved back into the family home as he lost his job and my kids (teenagers) were sad. We live in separate rooms. I contribute all my money to the bills and food. He goes out every weekend all weekend and I never question him. Today my daughter showed me a fb post of him and another woman at a concert this weekend. After a huge argument I found out she is his girlfriend and they stayed in a hotel. He has been seeing here for a year. The argument got very nasty with lots being brought up. I don't care if he has a girlfriend but I am angry I can't feed my kids some nights with a decent meal and yet he can spend money on going out and hotels. I am angry he lies. I now know I am just here to cook clean and support his life style. My dilemma is I earn very little and we have a huge mortgage. The house cannot be sold because he is not a handy man and it needs thousands and thousands on repairs. I have packed his bags and left them outside but he is saying he will not leave. What do I do,? I have no money to leave and would not leave my kids here alone with him as he is too selfish to look after them and I want them with me. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Take your teenagers and find somewhere to live even if its with your parents again for a short while until you get on your feet. Call a lawyer and ask what your options are and leave this man alone with himself and this chick who would want to be with a man like him who lets his own life go to crap, who doesn't look after his children, who only cares about himself. If you can't sell the house because you owe too much on it then perhaps it's time you walked away from it and found somewhere to live that you and your teenagers can afford when they get work they can help with the rent. Staying there and supporting him while you argue and mentally and emotionally abuse one another is child abuse. They deserve to see two happy parents that are separate from one another by all ways except your love of them. Call a lawyer and get some advise, call your family or friends and ask for their guidance as well. Start there. Link to comment
Selflove1 Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Why a selfish little man! That's disgusting of him! Tell him to go and stay with his girlfriend since he's been seeing her that long! Have you filed for divorce? Something you should get on to. If it wasn't for the fact of you not wanting to see your children witness it I'd dump his stuff outside and change the locks?! Is there not one of his friends or family members you could get involved to talk some 'sense' into him, he clearly has none. Link to comment
Mulder68 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 I have just emailed his good friend and told him some home truths. It turns out he has been telling them i freeload and contribute nothing. I have packed his clothes and put them on on the driveway. My parents are very old fashioned and believe in marriage no matter what. Link to comment
Natasha24 Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I have just emailed his good friend and told him some home truths. It turns out he has been telling them i freeload and contribute nothing. I have packed his clothes and put them on on the driveway. My parents are very old fashioned and believe in marriage no matter what. You need to leave. Go to the bank, take out a line of credit and find a decent apartment to rent. Move there with your kids and go see a lawyer (there are probably inexpensive lawyers through a program for low-income women, lots of cities have this kind of service available). Divorce him and he will HAVE to sell the house and you WILL get your share of money from it. Don't email his friends or try to contact anyone he knows, that does nothing. And nothing will get solved if you stay in this house. If his name is on the mortgage too, you can't legally kick him out. You need to leave. The sooner, the better. Link to comment
Mulder68 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 Will I get my share if I stop contributing now? Both our names are on the mortgage Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Yes... if there is any equity in the home after your mortgage is paid off and the taxes up to date then you will get your share of it. If both your names are on the title then you both will need to sign the papers to put it up for sale. If he won't sign then you may need to get a court order that he sign. If you stop contributing and he isn't working then you risk that the mortgage payments will go in arrears and the bank will put it up for sale under Power of Sale or Foreclosure. Call a lawyer, Mulder. Most will give you at least the first hour consultation without cost to you. Adding: You have no right to "dump his things or change the locks" It is his home as much as it is yours not to mention that You may not qualify for a "line of credit" so it might be a good idea to go speak to your bank manager or a financial planner as well as that lawyer. Link to comment
Mulder68 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 Thank you, that eases my mind. Link to comment
Kendahke Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 You need to leave. You've already left once and spent a year away from this home, so you obviously can do it again. Let him deal with that house. Take your kids and go. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Actually, I would advise talking to a lawyer before you do leave. Understand all of your options from someone who can give you legal advice. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 If he has no job and no money, how does he pay for the hotels? You're not giving him actual money, are you? I agree with those saying talk to a lawyer before doing anything. Money is obviously crucial in this situation so one wrong move could really influence the outcome. Link to comment
Mulder68 Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 Just spoke to my mum and was surprised with her reaction. She said its time for us to move on. She has suggested that her and dad help us both get the house ready to go on the market. She said she wants to see her grandkids happy again and us staying together won't make that happen. I've decided he needs to stay away for a few days and then we will get a game plan together. I stupidly just contacted this other women and gave her a few home truths. She answered back with 'that's hilarious' I have found out she is the mother of one of my daughters friends, the friend who was kicked out of home recently and she is just 18. Shows what a horrible un moral woman he has ended up with. Link to comment
Mulder68 Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 Yes I do give him money. He says he uses it on bills Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Your mom is awesome. Just make sure you talk to a lawyer first so you can use that info to inform the game plan you and your parents develop. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Yes I do give him money. He says he uses it on bills Any bills you pay - you need to pay directly. Don't put a red cent you earn in his hands where it can't be accounted for - he can claim it was a gift to spend however he liked. And if any of those bills he claims he's paying have your name as well and aren't getting paid, it's you he's hurting as well. Even if your name isn't on them - if you want to pay, for example, his cell phone, make the payment personally. You don't need to be paying for his side dish's hotel and fun - SHE can see what it's like to support his lame duck butt. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Consult an attorney and stop giving this man money. Link to comment
Lorem Ipsum Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Yes I do give him money. He says he uses it on bills Well, you know for a fact that he used it for a hotel and concert tickets (plus drinks and food). If I were you, I'd find out first thing tomorrow which bills have actually been paid. If it means calling the electric company as soon as they open, then do it. If you can check it out tonight with online banking, do it. If he's got women on the side, you don't know for sure that he's spending the money on them and not on the bills. You could be months in arrears and not know it. *Then* find an attorney. It's one of the things they'll probably ask you anyway, what financial shape you're in. Also, if you have a joint account, or he has access to your personal ones, sever it. Do it now on online banking if you can or at least open an online savings account through something like ING Direct that you can transfer your money into if you can't change the passwords tonight. Last thing you want is to go to the grocery store and use your debit card, only to be told there aren't enough funds. He could drain the accounts if he thinks about it. Link to comment
toby17 Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Go to a lawyer, tell him or her that you want a divorce, custody, alimony, child support, and the family home to house your children. Stop wasting time and do it now. Stop expecting your husband to behave decently or trying to figure out how to convince him to behave properly. The best defence is a good offence. Be aggressive. Link to comment
Mulder68 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 I don't want the family home, it's too big and expensive. Started the ball rolling today. Am getting some quotes on the repairs needed to fix the house up to sell, going to see a friend who is a financial planner to sort out my future financials. Contacted payroll to have my salary paid into my own account. Will sell the house, fight for a 70/30 settlement (only one child under 18 left) and move on. I feel quite excited today because I have made my mind up. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Well good for you. Let us know how it is going! Have you seen a divorce lawyer? Link to comment
Longview01 Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Sounds like you are taking some big steps in making yourself and your kids happpy again, this guy sounds disgusting and I would love to see how he gets on without you giving him money and putting up with his rubbish. Good luck Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 An attorney will advise you on the benefits of filing a legal separation to protect yourself from any debt husband racks up going forward. Until you do that, you expose yourself to getting taken down by him. Think. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Before you spend a lot of money on the house, consult an attorney. If you price a house right taking into account the defects of the house, it will indeed sell. People can waste a lot of money fixing up a house thinking they will get that money back out again, and they just don't. If a house is priced a bit lower than other houses in the neighborhood, it will attract a lot of lookers and people who are willing to fix it up themselves. you also do need an attorney to protect yourself and get good advice. If your husband is living with you and openly committing adultery with someone else, it would be to your advantage to be the one who files for divorce on grounds of adultery. So schedule an appt. with an attorney ASAP, and stop giving any of your money at all to your husband. If you have been giving him money and his has been spending it on his paramour for things like hotels, your attorney can probably get all the money you gave him during the year he's been having an affair back and returned to you, because it is not apropos to spend marital funds on paramours/adultery, and the wronged spouse can frequently get money awarded to them in the divorce for compensate them for whatever marital funds were spend on the mistress before the wife found out about it. Link to comment
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