Starting Over....again.

[BigKK]

Not a dork for loving the cat, I love he cat too...he's a dork because "it takes him a really long time to love someone" and he doesn't love me 6 1/2 months in...but he loves the cat that he's met 3 times *eye roll*

 

 

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I sometimes get MILDLY annoyed with this, I know its different.

 

But it took me 3-4 months to drop the L bomb (kind of quick for some , kind of slow for me) and I was really excited to hear it back.

 

 

My girlfriend gets a hedgehog and says she loves it in 3 days, gahhh! I hate it when people throw around love, I know I'm overzealous about this, but a lot say it to their friends and I rarely will unless I really love my friends (and theres only a few)... feel like it's tossed around.

 

 

Anyway that's my rant for the day

[faraday]

I sometimes get MILDLY annoyed with this, I know its different.

 

But it took me 3-4 months to drop the L bomb (kind of quick for some , kind of slow for me) and I was really excited to hear it back.

 

 

My girlfriend gets a hedgehog and says she loves it in 3 days, gahhh! I hate it when people throw around love, I know I'm overzealous about this, but a lot say it to their friends and I rarely will unless I really love my friends (and theres only a few)... feel like it's tossed around.

 

 

Anyway that's my rant for the day

 

I would annoy you BKK. I'm a love wh*re. I can love parts of people...I can see good things in people...and I just love them for that part of them. Good compartmentalizing?

 

I love my friends (and tell them)...I tell people I love things they do or say. I love babies. I love animals. I love coffee. I'm horrible lol

 

I waited 4 months to say it to jay....which is a long time in my world...I honestly thought he would say it back...he treats me like he loves me. So...it kinda sucked when he didn't say it back but I get it. It's a big deal to him. But then he says it to the cat and I'm all what the frig?? He says he loves the cat "different" than he loves SOs....and I get that. I love my kid different than I love him....but still. Does he love me at least on the lesser level that he loves the cat?? Lol

 

 

I posted in a different thread...jay and I have still been struggling a bit since my last post in here. Just because he's been gone. I haven't felt like a priority. I get a "miss you babe" text every night...and I know he's trying...but it's just not cutting it. It's been almost 3 months of him barely being here....we can't grow unless interact...and he told me his work schedule probably won't ease up until February. I told him I can't go on for another 5 months like this.

 

He assured me that he's "in". He promised that from now on, he'll call every night when he's gone. It will be tough, because he's in a different time zone...so I won't hear from him until midnight my time...and I'm a morning person that gets up at 5...but I think it's something that will help to keep the connection there...and keep us moving forward. I feel like the last three months have been stagnant....and I thrive in change...I wither when things stay the same for too long.

 

I hope this helps. It's so hard dating someone that isn't here. I keep envisioning a future with sick kids throwing up at 2 am and I'm alone because he's on a trip...and him missing our kids soccer games, birthday parties, school concerts....it's still a reality...but...I've also been a single parent now for the last 5 years...so maybe it's been like...the training for this

 

 

 

 

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[Fudgie]

How long does he intend to do this job? I'm not sure if I could deal with that in a relationship either, if my partner had a job like that as a career and there was no end, like he couldn't get assigned to something closer to home. I don't mind long distance as long as there is an end in mind. And yeah, no way I could date military men either. It's a non-starter for me.

[faraday]

Typically I don't date guys that have crazy schedules like this...but when we first started dating, he was new to the company and they weren't sending him on many trips at that point. They told him it would be 50/50....but it was more like he was home 75% of the time for the first 4 months, which was awesome! It's now closer to 90% out of town

 

He said that how geophysics works is that you're either an "office monkey" or you're in the field a lot....and jay took this profession because he doesn't want to be in an office....and I respect that...I couldn't do it either. Right now, I'm on a bench in a park.

 

He said that as he becomes more senior, he'll have the option of being home more...but he doesn't know how long that will take.

 

I'm really fine with 50/50. I kind of like when he's gone because I like my time to do my stuff...I like a lot of alone time. But the 90/10 thing is killing me.

 

I'm okay with 50/50 even if we get married and have kids...half the time is okay. I'm weird and like spendings lot of time with my parents (and SOs usually don't like going there 3 nights a week lol) so I'm good. I can see sharing coaching the kids soccer teams (he'll do it when he's in town...I coach my daughters team now)...I can see a life together with 50/50...I just don't know if I'll make it to the point where he's working out of town less...how can a relationship survive this??

 

 

 

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[Fudgie]

It's really hard to say if there is not an end date in mind I suppose. If there were an end date, I bet you'd feel a lot better. Anyone would. It gives you something to look forward to and you know that "well things stink now but it's not for forever!".

 

I guess part of it is up to Jay too. If he feels that you are worth it and knows that the distance is killing you/the relationship, he may start to look for jobs that don't require as much field time. But that's a choice only he can make without any asking/coaxing from anyone else. It's a tricky situation and it sucks. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[faraday]

Thanks He has said that when he's with this company for 2 years, he'll start looking at applying at other companies. He doesn't want to appear to be a job hopper...which...I'm don't think is a big deal in our economy, especially in the oil and gas sector....but he has a clear idea of how he sees things going...so I just have to respect his decision...that will mean another year at his current company.

 

It sucks. We're going to be like, half getting to know each other in the initial year and half (if we stay together)...and then when we're moving in together and probably engaged...he'll actually be home....so the. We'll really get to know each other, and by then, it will be way more committed than now. I guess there's a lot of trusting what I do know of him so far. It's kind of scary, actually. Hopefully we'll get to know each well on the phone and Skype (to supplement our in person time together). It'll be interesting. All I know is...I like this guy. He's calm. It's nice.

 

 

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[hers]

I'm responding so I can start following

[faraday]

I'm responding so I can start following

 

awesome

[faraday]

I dated a guy that didn't want to "be the bad guy"....so instead of breaking up with gfs, he would slowly distance himself, not prioritize her, not call...he'd just like, disengage from the relationship until she got annoyed and broke up with him.

 

 

 

I feel so incredibly discouraged today.

 

So jay and I had that talk on Tuesday about him phoning everyday. Yesterday he was traveling back home. He had a bit of work to do in the morning, a four hour drive to the airport, a short flight, a 5 hour delay (to look on some gear the airport lost for his company...and so he asked a friend in that city to come visit in that time), an hour flight, and he got in late last night. It was a busy day. He told me he would make time for me.

 

I got one text from him "hiccups are no fun". I replied with my hiccup cure "peanut butter", told him I couldn't wait to see him, and sent him a pic of what I was doing (no...not a dirty text)....and he didn't respond.

 

This does not bode well for the future phone calls he's promised.

 

I get that he's busy. But he took two flights. And there's always time before the flight when you're past security, and you grab a cup of coffee and pee, and pull out that book your brought or your phone to play on.

 

I don't understand. If this was anyone else on he board, I'd tell them to walk. Should I walk?

 

 

 

 

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[Cheetarah]

Work, 4 hour drive, flight, layover, visit with friend he probably hasn't seen in awhile, another flight, get back home late...

 

It's very possible he did not get your texts with all the traveling, as well. I forget to call everyone when I'm traveling. I only remember to call the person who is picking my ass up at the end destination.

 

If you need more and this life of his isn't working for you, then it is what it is. But if you think you can do it, you're going to have to bend over the one night he did not call/respond because he was traveling all day long.

[faraday]

I totally get what you're saying.

 

 

This is the day after I told him this relationship isn't working for me...and tried to end things....so he promised to communicate more with me. It just...seemed weird that the day after that talk, he wouldn't even send a text saying "busy, I miss you" or whatever.

 

 

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[faraday]

I feel like he didn't hear me.

 

 

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[Cheetarah]

I didn't realize you tried to end things. Thought you simply asked for more contact. Is that ultimately what you were looking for? What else is making you feel like it isn't working for you anymore?

[faraday]

The only thing that isn't working for me...is his work. He's gone for weeks at a time, works long hours...so I don't hear from him.

 

When we're together, things are awesome. I like him a lot. He's trustworthy, kind, smart....he's everything I'm looking for.

 

I need communication when he's gone. I need more than a text a day. He said he understands and he will call every night when he's gone. I get why he could t call yesterday...talking on the phone while out in public is tacky....but one text the day after that talk? I'm wondering if he's sending me a passive aggressive message.

 

 

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[Cheetarah]

So you tried to end things instead of telling him "I want more communication than what we have, currently."

 

You can't do that. Throw out the break up talk instead of making your needs known. It's...manipulative. Just before, you were having a little worry about the whole timeframe thing, then you had your talk, then you said you were just going to see how it's going in 6 months...A week later you are trying to end the thing.

 

I kind of wonder if you were looking for an emotional response from him, hence throwing out "This isn't working for me anymore"...Knowing...that's going to elicit a stronger response than "I need to speak with you more, I miss you, let's figure out a plan." Are you?

 

Don't do it again unless you mean it and will follow through, faraday. I would be willing to put 10 dollars on the fact that he's going to pull up a little wall now if he hasn't already.

 

See how the next few days go.

[faraday]

I don't have time to respond right now (need to get kids to school) but it wasn't like that, I'll explain in a bit.

 

 

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[faraday]

Last week I washed my phone It took me a few days to replace it. I know that Jay would wonder if I didn't get back to him- so I sent him a fb message and a skype message...but I know he doesn't check those very often...so I asked his friend to text him and let him know that I'm down a phone. His friend messaged me the next day saying that he hadn't heard from Jay the night be sent it, but they played a computer game the next morning. I didn't hear from Jay until 11 that night. I told him I was surprised that I hadn't heard from him because it had been 3 days by that point...he told me how busy he is. I said, "oh, I thought you had more time, N said that you guys played on the computer today." He said they didn't. I have no idea if they did or not. But Jay didn't work in the field that day, it was too windy for the helicopter so he worked in the office in town that day...where there's cell service and wifi. So...I was kind of bummed that he still didn't talk to me until late.

 

 

We've had talks from the beginning about how I need more communication. He's an introvert...and he would be fine not talking to anyone for days at a time. I told him that doesn't work for me. So, he started texting me every day. He's been doing this for the last 4 or 5 months. Ever since I told him I can't go days in between contact.

 

He has said that his feelings for me in the last 3 months haven't really changed because he's been gone for all but a week in that time. His feelings can't grow because we don't talk when he's gone. Our relationship is withering because relationships need more than a text a day. I asked him how long work is going to be this busy. He said until February. I said...I can't stay in a stagnant relationship for the next 5 months...I said things need to be different or we have to end things now. He said things like, "I can't quit my job." I told him I didn't want him to quit his job...but we needed to come up with something because this isn't working for either of us.

 

He asked about phoning more. Right now he phones once a week. I told him that if he could phone me every night for 10 minutes, it would really help me deal with him being gone for a month at a time. And if you talk to people in long distance relationships (because that is pretty much what this has turned into) they talk. A lot. Several times a week. So I don't feel like this is unreasonable. He said he'd like to talk to me everyday and that he understood where I was coming from, and that he wants our relationship to move forward too, and that I compromise by accepting that he's gone so much so he can compromise by phoning every night.

 

Then we talked about our day, joked around, laughed a bunch. Talked about what our plans were for the 2 days he's back. He talked about how much he's missed me and how he can't wait to spend time together. He said it would be had for him to call me when he's travelling that day, but that he would try to call, and he would definitely text me.

 

I thought he meant more than one text. I feel like that conversation was a waste of time. I feel like he doesn't hear me. I feel like giving up on him. I have for a while. He's back today....and I'm not excited to see him. After we talked, I felt like he cared and I couldn't wait to hang out with him....but after yesterday....his lack of enthusiasm killed my enthusiasm.

[Cheetarah]

Well...If this has been an ongoing issue then it sounds like a fundamental incompatibility on this front. I don't think you're unreasonable to want more communication. I do think it is unreasonable to consider ending it after the one day. Yes, I understand it was the day following this talk, but he did say he would text and would try to call. He did not call, texted peanut butter burps or whatever it was. And no, that's not something to write home about, lol...BUT - He did warn you about yesterday.

 

I also don't think he is unreasonable for being alright with going days between contact. That works for some people, they don't need to touch base very much.

 

But it is for you, and evidently it is for him to try and live up to the needs that you have. They don't match in that respect. So you can keep asking that he change it up to meet your emotional needs and butt your head against the wall(as it sounds like this has been an ongoing issue), or you can...not. And I don't think either of you are wrong for that, it's just a difference.

 

I do think he is trying by at least texting you everyday. It sounds like he's meeting you halfway. He would be fine going like a week without communication, and he does touch base with you every day in some way. So he IS stepping out of his comfort zone by doing that. It's not a biggie to you because you crave and need that base touching, but it is probably a pretty big deal to him. Try to see it from that respect.

 

Considering he is back today, he probably didn't place some huge importance on making significant contact with you given that he is going to see you for the next 2 days.

[journeynow]

He came up with a suggestion for more communication that would work for both of you (calling every day), and he wants to move forward, so it wasn't a wasted conversation. Isn't a phone call worth more than a text, as far as relationships go? Why not give it a try with the nightly calls? And you could call him, too, right?

[faraday]

He sends one or two text messages a day. "hey babe. miss you" "hope you had a good day." and it's usually at midnight when I'm alseep...so we don't actually talk until he calls once a week. For the last 3 months. It's not a huge investment or compromise on his part. He could probably download an app that would automatically send those messages.

 

He said his feelings for me haven't changed in the last 3 months because we don't see each other very much . So, evidently, this isn't working for him either. I feel like this is stagnant. It came to a head the other night....and he said he would make an honest effort. It would be like...if you had a big discussion about putting dishes in the dishwasher instead of putting them on the counter...and the next morning, he left his cereal bowl and coffee mug on the counter. I get that he was busy. But we just freaking talked about it.

 

So...yeah...I'm bummed out. I feel like we are too different in our communication needs.

[faraday]

He came up with a suggestion for more communication that would work for both of you (calling every day), and he wants to move forward, so it wasn't a wasted conversation. Isn't a phone call worth more than a text, as far as relationships go? Why not give it a try with the nightly calls? And you could call him, too, right?

I loved the idea. He didn't do it the next day...that's why I'm questioning what I'm doing with him

[DancingFool]

Perhaps then it's time to accept that you two just aren't that compatible despite the good qualities you both bring to the table individually. It sounds like you need someone who is more emotionally driven and willing to give you the daily validation that you need. Not saying this as a bad thing, btw, you are who you are and you need what you need. The problem is that you can't turn a donkey into a lion. Jay is not going to become a guy who goes "aaawwww let me text my gf with this cutesy pick..and another..and another" and he is not going to get a lobotomy and become the guy who gets it that when you send a cutesy text, a response is required. He may get it when talking to you in a theoretical kind of way, but he doesn't really get it. So maybe he is just not the guy for you after all, because he is not able to meet your emotional needs and I don't think that it's just distance and his job.

 

Six months in, you shouldn't be having to ask him to keep daily contact, it's something he should feel like doing himself, a need, a desire. That's already nothing to do with introvert or extrovert.

[Cheetarah]

Well, I was looking at it situationally given that he was getting home and going to see you for the next 2 days, so it didn't seem like a huge deal to keep in significant contact. However, if it's been an ongoing problem where every few weeks or month you're having to say "Look, I need to hear more from you than I am.", then perhaps you can just throw that situational idea out the window.

 

Observing how you are, from what I can gather of course through an internet forum...Yes, you are emotionally driven and you need the closeness and the consistent contact. He's just not the kind of person who can meet that need of yours. I agree with you that you two want different things in this respect and that it is too important to you to forego on it.

[faraday]

I think that too. It sucks.

[Fudgie]

Some people are okay with having long stretches of time not talking, and others (like you, and me) are not. I like everyday contact. Many of my relationships have had an element of long distance during it and I've always made time to talk to a boyfriend once a day. Even if I were busy. And I work 12 hour shifts and put in overtime as well. I think there is a big difference in communication needs. I don't think either of you is right or wrong, you're just both different.

 

I just wanted to say, it has nothing, nothing, to do with whether or not you're an introvert or an extrovert. That's more about how you relate to other people, what you like to do in terms of social activities, and how you feel about crowds and having a big personality in public. I am definitely an introvert and prefer everyday contact in a relationship. My loved ones are very important to me in the sense that I really rely on them emotionally and I make time for them because I really rely emotionally on my inner circle - most of my friends have moved away so I don't have many people in my life I can go to. I really do need that daily contact. Some people are just not that way. Some keep to themselves but also are just fine on their own. It's not an indication of how they feel about you either...it's just a difference in communication needs. some people make the mistake of thinking that frequency of contact is always = how someone feels about you and in some cases, it's just not true.

 

I don't really have any advice on what to do, whether you pursue this further or drop it. I think you need to take some time and listen to your intuition. Listen to what it's telling you.