faraday Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 He has the income to support us...but it's way too much to ask before we're married. Like...I have no problem using my equity for a down payment in our future house together...but not until we're married. So...I get why he can't financially support me until that point....I just don't know how to get to that point. I guess it will be a wait and see thing. It just sucks...because...I don't want to wait a year and find out he had no intentions of any compromise on this...and I've wasted a year out of four that I could have spent looking for someone that is cool with what I have going on. That said, he might be cool with it. It also appears that he hasn't given it much thought...and I don't want to have a lot of "talks" in my relationship...I don't think they help anything...I think talking things to death kills them. Oh, I totally understand why one might not want kids after 35, Cheetarah. Fertility declines starting around 27, and then falls off a cliff in the late thirties. It just sounds like in this journal, we are hearing about so many moving parts that it sounds like having two kids in the next four years is a big challenge, and even one would be a bit hard. Ultimately, in order for this to work, you're going to need either a man who is okay with your unusual job, or a man who can shoulder the complete financial burden of your family for several years, or both. It's not easy. I'm so glad I don't want kids!!! Link to comment
DancingFool Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 I think you have to be a little more realistic about things that change and things that don't and most importantly that life does change. Like if a guy is a lazy slob, he is not going to become a workaholic neat freak. On the other hand if a generally rational guy has some ideas about living together that are not practical or workable, you'll find that when he thinks about things rationally, he will adjust and compromise but you will have to too to some extent. Ultimately, being in a relationship means working things out to mutual satisfaction and that means compromise on both ends. When you are single, you can live how you want and do things 100% your way. When you are in a relationship, you will have to accommodate another person, which means that neither one of you will really get 100% of what you want. Link to comment
BigKK Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 all was quiet in faraday's journal until today... the 8th of September, a full moon image removed This is a little bit tricky but nothing to get worked up about. I understand you're trying to a poke finger in the air and see the direction of the wind and make sure you're vigilant about all the potential red flags. I am trying to put myself in his shoes, and even though I volunteer with adults with mental disabilities, I wouldn't want to move in with my girlfriend to live with one, sounds like a potential stress living situation on top of learning to live with your partner on top of it. I think you should take what he said as "you know something will have to change if we're to move in... (But we'll work something out)" I think you're taking this as, dump your roommate, I don't care how you find money. But instead you're forgetting that he's a rational guy and you two will have to work out some kind of compromise TOGETHER and find something that works. Which is exactly what I would do... when the time comes (still far away...remember you were the one to suggest it, and he wasn't ready with all the answers...why should he be? It's not happening yet) you two will need to figure something out. I would talk with him about it when you see him...very casually...since this is still a LONG time away... but just say, "Hey I know you said you didn't want me living with a roommate when and if we were to move in together...that's a big part of my income, how do you see that working?" Hang in there and happy Monday!! Link to comment
christwowheels Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 ...and I don't want to have a lot of "talks" in my relationship...I don't think they help anything...I think talking things to death kills them. Funny, I think the exact opposite. If my girlfriend and I can't talk at least an hour or two every day, we feel deprived. I guess to each their own, with the caveat that if you can't have deep discussion on your hopes and dreams, it might be hard to traverse the difficulties of a lifelong marriage. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 BigKK, you made me laugh with that full moon graphic, Lol. *hooowwllll* But yeah, faraday, Jay seems like a really nice guy. Level-headed and all of that. I can sense that from how you have talked about him on here. I don't get the sense that he's rash or stupid. He's not going to expect you to dump the roommate and have a -$3,000 deficit in your budget without SOMETHING to fill that. That would be insane. I don't necessarily think you have to give it a full year in terms of waiting to talk about it, but I would wait to talk about it with him for a time where your head is in a good place, you know? Link to comment
faraday Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 Funny, I think the exact opposite. If my girlfriend and I can't talk at least an hour or two every day, we feel deprived. I guess to each their own, with the caveat that if you can't have deep discussion on your hopes and dreams, it might be hard to traverse the difficulties of a lifelong marriage. We do have discussions about hopes and dreams...just not regularly. We talk about thing we're doing together next week...and things we're doing on our own. We have an unusual relationship because he doesn't have cell service most of the time when he's out of town. So I usually get a "hey baby I miss you" text every few days (although sometimes every day for a week straight) but at like 11 pm when he's done work...and I'm in bed. He calls once or twice while he's out of town depending on if he gets off earlier. When he's in town...he's pretty much with me 4 nights a week. We don't "talk", we joke around, go on dates, run errands, spend time with each other's families...live. You know? I don't want to have daily "where are we?" Talks...just like...every few months is fine...I mean, we both still want to hang out...so that's a good sign. He's also not very talkative....at least not about feelings. He gets a deer in headlights look lol. And I will admit, sometimes that does stress me out, I'm verbal. I was in school to become an English prof...I love words...so we have a joke about how he's such a guy and how in such a girl, and we laugh about it...because it's the way things are. I've dated really emotional guys...and it doesn't work for me....I take on other peoples emotions easily...so if I'm dating someone that "feels" a lot...I drown. It's nice that he's logical....I'm mostly logical so...we can always "see" what the other person is thinking. Idk if that makes sense. I'm rambling Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
faraday Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 Hahaha it was a quiet day. Thanks for that It is the finger in the air thing. Idk... How do I explain this stuff? With my daughters father...we just coasted for 5 1/2 years. We didn't grow, we didn't change (as a couple- I did...I changed like crazy and out grew him)...and I just don't want that to happen again. I'm not 21 anymore. I think it's awesome that you volunteer with people with DD. It's not for everyone. My friends don't get how I do it....they all think I'm super patient and a little crazy...but it just works. I love the lesson it's giving to my daughter about being open minded and accepting...and about loving people. I mean, this woman I live with...she's just so sweet. And she's great with my daughter...she's become part of the family. Our contract is up next month, so someone new will be moving in around November...but I've been really lucky getting to know her. Even if sometimes she makes me want to pull out my hair lol. And I do get his side. I don't particularly want to live with a roommate when I live with him either...I'm just not sure how to make my finances work without doing this. That will be something we'll have to talk about in the future...I really am just going to breathe and let it happen though. It was good to get it all out...because...I'm scared. I'm scared things won't work out with jay. But I'm even more scared if they do. And they might. He's a great guy. My life will change so much if we work out. My daughters life will change. We'll move. We'll share finances. I'll have to explain why I spent $300 on shoes to someone who doesn't get fashion. We'll have fights. I'll get mad at him insisting that ketchup goes in the pantry not the fridge...and he'll get mad at me for repainting the house and changing our furniture when he's on work trips. It's terrifying. He's told me when we live together, I'll need to get a studio that I can change around...because he needs things more stagnant...and I need constant change. I like my world to be evolving...and not changing? that scares me. It's big. What if we do work out? But then...I'd miss him if we didn't. Maybe a lot of this isn't just about finances,,,maybe it's more about the idea of something permanent terrifying me. I can't even commit to a tattoo because i know I'll get sick of it in a year. I change my curtains out yearly. I buy a new couch every year (and that's not an irresponsible money thing, I barely pay anything for furniture...like $40 for a couch)....permanent is scary. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
faraday Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 BigKK, you made me laugh with that full moon graphic, Lol. *hooowwllll* But yeah, faraday, Jay seems like a really nice guy. Level-headed and all of that. I can sense that from how you have talked about him on here. I don't get the sense that he's rash or stupid. He's not going to expect you to dump the roommate and have a -$3,000 deficit in your budget without SOMETHING to fill that. That would be insane. I don't necessarily think you have to give it a full year in terms of waiting to talk about it, but I would wait to talk about it with him for a time where your head is in a good place, you know? Yeah...I'll see what happens. He'll probably bring it up soon. He brought up the living together thing like, last month, and when I brought it up, it was a continuation do that conversation...I know he's thinking about a future with me..,I just need to trust him. He's a smart guy. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
Fudgie Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 Oh, daily "where are we" talks would drive me nuts. Every few months, especially as things and feelings progress, I think that's fine. I am very verbal too and talk a LOT to my loved ones. I can talk from sun up til sun down and I've found that I do best with guys who are sort of like that. I tend to bottle up my feelings like a guy though so I do well with more emotional men. It's good to know what works well for you and what doesn't. Then again, maybe you two would be a little like my grandparents. My grandmother was a lot like me "talk talk talk talk talk talk talk" and my grandfather was definitely the "strong and silent" type and they were together for 70 years, so who knows? I can see why you'd feel anxious though. My grandmother did feel that way with my grandfather. I think that's what happens when you're someone very verbal and you're used to having feelings expressed that way but your partner doesn't. I think that's just par for the course but there are ways to manage anxiety/calm yourself down/remind yourself that things are good. My grandmother practiced a lot of self positivity and self-affirming thoughts and such. It was how she dealt with anxiety. Love is terrifying. Life in general is terrifying. My favourite poet, Emily inson, said in one of her works "To live is so startling that it leaves time for little else". That's just the nature of life. I too really struggle with change sometimes but deep down, I know that if I don't do it and take a leap, I won't grow or be happy. Your lives will change a TON but if you are both committed and he is the right man for you and you are the right woman for him, you will work together to compromise and make things okay. And the change will be for the better because in a healthy relationship, you both benefit and personal growth is encouraged as you both strive for happiness. I feel like you're a couple that would benefit from having separate "rooms", not bedrooms, but offices/workspaces, so you can trick out yours as much as you want, throw paint on the walls for all you care, and he can have his "ho hum" room. My father and mother do that, actually! Mom likes to change things around, Dad has a fit if you touch his stuff, so he has his "room" and she has, well, the rest of the house, but at least he has a place she can't touch so he's happy! You will figure things out. He's a smart guy, you can talk things out and see. Breathe, breathe. ....btw, ketchup that has been opened needs to go in the fridge, not the cabinet. If he thinks it goes in the cabinet, he needs a little lesson on how bacteria works. Sorry if I'm inciting a fight, lol, that would drive me NUTS. Link to comment
faraday Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 That's what I said about the ketchup! He said there's so much vinegar in it that it's like, pickled so it's fine. I told him that I can things, and I've made pickles...and if they aren't sealed properly, they totally mould. He says we can have separate ketchup. Lol I think the separate room thing might be the solution. And I think he was thinking about that with me getting a studio...I gotta give him credit...he's a solution maker. I think the talking thing will either implode or work itself out. Every once in a while, I poke him (literally) and say, "you're being a guy again a lot lately, and you need to tell me why you like me." And he smiles, laughs, says "yeah, sorry, I am being a guy" and then tells me all the things he likes about me. I've asked him twice...so it's not often...but it allows me to get what I need from him in a way that I'm not nagging at him or trying to change him. I would t have been able to do that win any of my exes. Our personalities are similar so he gets my obnoxiousness in a non offending way (how it was intended). Hopefully he'll always see the best in me. It sounds like your grandparents had some thing really special. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
faraday Posted September 8, 2014 Author Share Posted September 8, 2014 And that quote....I love that. I'm going to write that down Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
happpybear Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 what happened with your friend dating the sketchy foreign dude?? so curious... Link to comment
faraday Posted September 9, 2014 Author Share Posted September 9, 2014 what happened with your friend dating the sketchy foreign dude?? so curious... She's still texting him daily. She was talking about signing up for eH (getting me to help her fill out the questionaire...eH rejects people who are depressed...and my guess is...that's why she's getting booted out) but now she says she doesn't want to yet...she's not ready. We're worried for her. She's never had a bf. It's baffling..because she's wicked funny and super smart, and totally cute...well...wait, actually it's not. I posted about her in a different thread. She picks unavailable men. I told her that last time I saw her...her eyes widened...and I think she got it. This guy is unavailable too. I hope she walks away. One of my other friends keeps saying we should have an intervention....I think she'd murder us. Link to comment
happpybear Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Aw, that's too bad. She seems like a total commitment-phobe, or is just scared of the real deal. The intervention might make her defensive and more defiant. I don't know how go about dealing with situations like this, because she is an adult and is making her own choices, so like how do you confront it....ya, something I have a hard time with some of my own friends too...don't want to sound preachy, and will they even listen anyway? Link to comment
faraday Posted September 9, 2014 Author Share Posted September 9, 2014 I was trying to encourage her to...move on....and she got really mad. I told one of my gfs about this site (she's going through a bad break up) and she said she picked me out right away because I post the same horrible, direct way that I talk lol. I don't mean to be a b**ch Lol Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
faraday Posted September 9, 2014 Author Share Posted September 9, 2014 My one friend thought an intervention would be better because it's a group of us saying "run away" instead of individuals she can tell off. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
happpybear Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 ya, I see how that might be better, well it couldn't hurt right? if nothing else has worked.. Link to comment
faraday Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 One time she made plans with me...cancelled saying she was "too tired"...and was later tagged somewhere on fb,...I called her out on it...and she told me I was being unreasonable and when "I got over myself, I should call her." We didn't talk for over a year. I'm nervous about angering her lol Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
happpybear Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 That's pretty hideous friend behavior on her part, geez. Link to comment
faraday Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 It's just the way she gets. It's not just with me...so I don't feel bad. That might also be why she's single lol. It drives me crazy. Link to comment
faraday Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 image removed This is out front of my house. The trees are falling apart from the heaviness of the snow....and taking out power lines. We lost power at midnight. Eating mini wheats by candlelight right now. The kids think this is the best adventure ever Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
DancingFool Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Looking from the outside, your friend has some serious issues. Maybe they are not visible to you much because you are friends and you are friends because those issues don't quite hit your radar, however they are there and deep. I doubt a direct confrontation will do anything but anger and alienate her. Sometimes, a more subtle approach is more effective. Like a little "why do you always pick unavailable men?" and then moving on will pierce her and get her thinking better than any lecture on what she should and shouldn't be doing. Link to comment
faraday Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 Well, I did say that subtly last week. She looked at me as I she's never thought it before...it shocked her. She said I was right. I know she has issues. I'm just not in the fixing business, so we've had a casual friendship for the last 16 years Link to comment
faraday Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 That's not the picture I posted....I don't know what that is lol Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
faraday Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 image removed School has been cancelled. We're making snow cones. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Link to comment
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