Can we really be happy and fulflled alone

[Tanzi]

Can we really be happy alone ....

 

I ask this because when I look back over my past relationships, especially since my marriage ended, I am aware that I have either been getting over someone or starting out in a new relationship. Don't get me wrong, I haven't jumped from relationship to relationship without a significant amount of time passing but someone has always been the focus of my attention, whether that be an ex love or a new love interest (albeit sometimes in small measures).

 

Do we always hang on to an ex love until someone new comes along or can we really get to a point where we are totally emotionally UNattached from anyone and yet fulfilled at the same time?

[mhowe]

Yes --- I spent my 40's single --- having gotten out of an 8 year relationship.

 

I decided it was time to find me again, and set off to do so:

quit my job in corporate America and found a new career.

sold my condo and bought a house.

bought a dog.

traveled Europe and the Caribbean.

sailed in Scotland, Nova Scotia and the NorthEast.

tried new sport

 

I have to say --- it was a very fulfilling decade.

[Tanzi]

It certainly sounds it mhowe,

 

My 20's were a fun and fulfilling time when I was happy to be single ... but I was obviously a lot younger then. I dated around some and, dare I say it, had a few ONS's but, I dunno, ever since my marriage ended I have either been healing, been involved in something that was actually nothing or about to fall head first into another relationship that was only ever destined for Heartbreak City. I feel as though I am done with relationships, at least for a while, but looking back over my track record I wonder if I will be truly happy without anyone in my sights. I really want to be.

[mhowe]

You can be --- and as trite as it sounds, you truly have to be happy with yourself before you will find happiness in a relationship. I met my bf at age 49...and I wouldn't have found him if I hadn't done all the things I did...

[Tanzi]

I am happy with where I am and with what I have got. I've done the marriage thing, I've got the kids (who give me all the love I need). I am in no rush to get married or to even live with someone again and 3 children is enough for me (plus I've gone past the point of being able to have any more). I have no pressure to do ANYTHING and I have no time constraints. Now is the perfect time to find me again. It's just that it has been a while when it has been "just me" and I'm not sure if I can do it. I keep telling myself that, even at 45, I still have plenty of time to find love to enable me to enjoy being single now.

[mhowe]

Just remember the bad part of being in bad relationships --- I think it is worse to be alone, in a relationship than it is to be alone. You have plenty of time to find love ---

[happpybear]

I think it's entirely possible, One of my aunts never married, her last relationship ended when she was 40, and she is now 60. 20 years on her own and she is radiant. She is a very content person with a very fulfilling life. What Mhowe said is really the key, you have to be happy with yourself first. When my parents divorced I didn't think my mother would be able to handle being alone, it was the first time she was alone since she was 15, and for the first few years it was really hard for her because she couldn't define who she was without a husband. She is okay now, she didn't do therapy but probably would have helped her. She just accepts herself as a lone person now, I think the everyday trials she went through being a divorcee (not having my dad to repair the clogged drains for example) and having to take care of these things herself gave her a sense of accomplishment that helped boost her confidence in her ability to go it alone.

 

I think it's so freeing to get to a point where there is no "someone" in your life to expand you energy around. I have truly cherished those times in my life where I have purposefully not dated, because I find it helps me to rebalance, find myself again.

[savignon]

I haven't been as happy by myself as I've been in relationships but I don't hate being single. I'm hoping to enjoy being single for awhile as I think I need it to heal from my divorce and rebound. I have a fulfilling life but don't feel fulfilled.. If that makes sense. I need to count my blessings more often.

[mbee]

Mhowe your responses are always so inspiring! I agree with you as well. I think people can be very fulfilled while being single. So much of it actually depends on the person and what they do with being single. It's just like relationships I imagine. You could be in a comfortable and healthy relationship for many years but still feel unhappy with your life. My mother is in her late 60s and says the last 10 years of her life have been her happiest. She had a string of marriages that ranged from abusive, toxic and healthy. She was comfortable and thought she was happy being in relationships but it was only until she accepted being single that she could finally be happy. She admits now that she was looking for happiness with the idea of a shared life, and hoping to find someone to do things. In other words, the idea of living seemed only appropriate when she was with someone. It's kind of similar to how many people say they don't want to travel to some beautiful location unless they have a significant other or friend with them. Anyway, my mom admits that she didn't even do those things with the guys she was with anyway. She loves dancing but most of her husbands weren't interested in learning at the skill level my mom wanted to. She married one guy who was a brilliant dancer but he had a lot of other issues that sucked at her happiness. Her dream was going to Brazil and learning art styles there, but she never went because her husbands weren't interested or couldn't afford it. She got in relationships during this time but would constantly voice disappointment at having to neglect other things in her life. Not all of her relationships were unhealthy, but she admits that even with the healthiest ones that had a whole lot of love, she still didn't feel fulfilled and truly happy. Now that she's been single, she says she is at her happiest and strongly regrets not doing this earlier in her life when she was much younger. She feels like her life could have turned out much differently.

 

If I'm completely honest with myself, I had two very happy moments in my life. The first happy moment was probably the first 6 months of my relationship with my ex, before the lies and other red flags started coming into the door. During these first 6 months I was also very happy with my life. The second happiest moment was a year where I was single, traveled a bunch, changed career goals, dated and had fun. I'm really trying to recreate that second moment in my life and get back to the goals I had. Although I love my ex, the last year we were together was pretty miserable and he sucked at my self-esteem and my happiness. I was happy with my life when we first met, but after the lies and drama started, I found myself expending too much energy to try and repair and nurture that relationship. I've had healthy relationships where I also felt unhappy. I was comfortable with the routine, having someone to call, knowing someone loves me, but that didn't make me happy or fulfilled. Fulfilling my goals and dreams and trying to be happy by myself really fulfilled that for me.

[HopsonMcGee]

Yes --- I spent my 40's single --- having gotten out of an 8 year relationship.

 

I decided it was time to find me again, and set off to do so:

quit my job in corporate America and found a new career.

sold my condo and bought a house.

bought a dog.

traveled Europe and the Caribbean.

sailed in Scotland, Nova Scotia and the NorthEast.

tried new sport

 

I have to say --- it was a very fulfilling decade.

 

How did you find the time and money to travel the globe?

[SpottiOtti]

Yes --- I spent my 40's single --- having gotten out of an 8 year relationship.

 

I decided it was time to find me again, and set off to do so:

quit my job in corporate America and found a new career.

sold my condo and bought a house.

bought a dog.

traveled Europe and the Caribbean.

sailed in Scotland, Nova Scotia and the NorthEast.

tried new sport

 

I have to say --- it was a very fulfilling decade.

 

Wow, that sounds like an amazing adventure!

 

I agree with this post. I think it's easier to focus on another person than to focus on ourselves, to become our own best friend, but when you finally do it's pretty awesome. I had a horrendous relationship experience back when I was 26, then stayed single for about 3 years after that and learned how NOT to have a guy in the back of my mind all the time. It was really liberating, and it taught me that I can be happy alone, so consequently I stopped putting up with all the BS that I had before in relationships.

[IAmFCA]

Can we be happy and fulfilled alone?

 

I could write an essay. I think I start with YES, in fact, if we want happiness with someone else, we MUST. First find this happiness alone, within ourselves, then share it with someone else.

 

We attract what we are.

 

MHOWE: I hear you re 40s! Left the marriage I knew was a mistake when it started, spent years finding my voice again (and in the last throes of that effort, with thanks to ENA), ran a triathlon for the first time, lived without a safety net of any kind, for the first time and with kids in tow, re-learned how to sail, had the best sex of my life, and with more than one man to prove it to myself that I own the great sex, not the man who I shared it with, accelerated my career, and somehow kept my kids on their paths.

 

Am now accomplishing like crazy, dropped three jeans sizes, now can run 5+ miles for fun -- longer than I have ever run in my life. Same-gender friendships are so much stronger, dating life so much more promising and reflective of my self respect.

 

Could never have been nearly this happy and in touch with myself while within my relationship.

 

I hope not to be "alone", but I was surely alone when I was married.

[mg22]

Yes we can be happy , until the right person comes along. I haven't met anybody yet l ,Iam adjusting to being alone after a horrific b/u, I guess I learned this time not to open my heart to someone who is not worth my time.

[ParisPaulette]

The answer is yes and the answer is really you should work on being able to be equally happy either alone or with someone. Two of the happiest years of my life were when I decided to take time for myself and actively refused to date or get involved with anyone after the crash and burn of my marriage and two subsequent relationships. Like you I realized I had always been in a relationship and never alone. It was hard, even scary and at times lonely, but then I got past those points and really began to relish the freedom. I found then that each of the states of being with someone and not with someone bring about their own joys and freedoms as well as trials and hardships.

 

This new set of skills helped me survive a very bad breakup some years later and I used the along time to move to someplace completely new for a fresh start and take up new activities. Eventually I met someone when I was ready to and I can now say with 100 percent certainly that if he ever left my life I'd be sad for awhile, but he isn't the sole source of my happiness. I am.

[itsallgrand]

The sweet spot seems to be once you do let go of that old baggage of love relationships from the past. Which it took me quite a long time to do.

 

I feel more fulfilled and 'happier' than I can remember being since I was a child. Right now. Single, without any big prospects in my line of vision, and no exes hanging around in the wings nor in my heart as options. Truly, those doors are closed, and all that is possibility.

 

I do think it is possible. I think sometimes, the focus so much is on "happy". But really the key for me was getting to 'content' 'whole' 'meaningful life of value'.

 

Well that stuff certainly is not dependent on whether we have a partner or not. And I don't think being happy is either.

[mhowe]

By working my a$$ for 15 years in corporate America. I invested well, and took 2 years off, then opened my own company --- and use vacation time to continue traveling.

 

How did you find the time and money to travel the globe?

[LovesMusic]

I think the answer is yes. Absolutly you can be happy alone and totally fulfilled. The real quesition is do you want to? I think of an elderly person who lives alone and does their own thing. Personally, I don't really want that. I like having someone there to say, "hey isn't that sunrise beautiful this morning?" Or "wow, I don't know about you but, my pancakes aren't that great today." or maybe, " I don't know why but, today I'm feeling very down." The point is I see a lot of people that are single and they are completely self reliant on everything but, again, is that really what you want? If you do then you will need to create that happiness, it's not going to create itself. Go out, play sports, find a hobby. Our society has a way of bringing us to our homes. The way of universe is toward entropy, not our homes. Spread out, be random, and find enjoyment what the earth a has to offer, like eating a peach right off a tree. But, I do stand by my previous point, all of those things just sound more fulfilling having someone to share it with.

[Tinkie9901]

Absolutely we can. I'm like you a-little-blue, I came out of a long bad marriage and I was single for a year before meeting my current ex. That year though, I went straight in to therapy, and was filling all my time with working and selling our house and getting divorced, so it was go-go-go, plus I was glad to be out of the marriage. My most recent breakup I didn't have all those distractions plus he was more of a 'loss' as he was someone who treated me very well and just wasn't in the right place in his life to continue with the relationship. So without any stuff 'on-the-go' I have found it much harder to move forward in to happiness on my own. But the last month or so I am really feeling like I am getting there, and I can see how mhowe and others found that happiness on their own. A big step for me was to stop trying to compare my life to other people's. I got rid of Facebook entirely as I used to look at it and see everyone's highlights and compare my life. I'm happy just staying at home, reading or gardening, I've begun to accept that I'm happiest being an introvert with a small group of solid friendships who only goes out occasionally. I've booked some travel later in the year, and I'm slowly studying a bachelors degree (it will take me a decade but what the h*ll... lol). Find your place, your rhythm and the happiness will follow. It takes time to learn to be comfortable when you have spent a long time in a state of stress but you will find it.

[Blue Spiral]

My attempts at relationships were disastrous; I've been much happier single (and I've been single for the vast majority of my adult life). Oh, I don't go on trips or run triathlons, but I get to do the things I enjoy. Relationships are drama I don't need...

[Realitynut]

Exactly. This could have been written by me...if fact...i think i have said some of these exact same things.

 

Right now i am happy. I am friends with a guy that i met through a meetup. We talk, we laugh, we walk, we kayak. But i have zero romantic feelings for him. He asked to 'date' me and i said NOPE...why spoil a good thing.

 

The truth is i don't have the chemistry with him...but the friendship....yes. So i am happy. But NOTHING like i was in my last relationship. Also...when i compare my last 'love' compared to my 20 yr. marriage, or any of my relationships i had in my 20's....NOTHING compares! But in that joyful...almost obsessive love...i also had heartbreak.

 

Now i don't care if this guy comes over or not. I don't care if he brings his granddaughter along...i don't have that DEEP connection you have when you are 'in love'....

 

And even tho i am happy...and have laughed more in the last 2 months than i have in the last 2 years...I am NOT full-filled. Being in love...and sharing that LOVE (and lifes ups and downs) brings me the joy that singleness will NEVER bring me!

[Cheetarah]

The point isn't to be happy 'until'. That defeats the entire purpose. The point is to be happy, regardless.

 

A lot of us tie in our self-worth to whether or not we can find another to love, to love us. We can romanticize it and call it a void, like we're missing our other half, soul mate and all that other mumbo jumbo. And it's kind of nice, to indulge in those thoughts sometimes. In a strangely masochistic way. But they are also self-defeating ways of thinking. If you think life's not complete UNTIL - Well, then. It's not going to feel complete until then, is it?

 

I think human connection is very important. We are all social creatures and thrive with giving and receiving love. But it is easy to forget how many different ways there is to give and receive it.

 

I've gone through something kind of big over the last year and a half, and have been single as long. And I have found more fulfillment like this than I ever have in my life - Even though I'm totally stressed out and life isn't ideal, lol. I feel like I am finally getting to know more of myself...Hello, me. Nice to meet you. It's been a long time. I'm so flawed, I really am. I'm all human. Some of it is embarrassing, some a little horrifying. Some I can change and want to(and have), others I can't, and some I'm just not sure if I'm ready to yet. And then, some of it is not so bad. Maybe even pretty good.

 

Relationships provided a bit of a distraction to me, let me turn a blind eye to myself. I think that anyone who has a near inability to just be with themselves, needs to do it more than anyone else. Even alone, I have previously hung onto an old romantic interest in my mind. It was like, when I didn't feel the love I needed to go back in time in my mind and find something to sustain myself. The more chronically empty you feel, the more necessary it is to your well being.

[bwhite00]

I think so. I was single up until my Mid-20s really, with no significant relationships. For me, I need a healthy sex life as I have a high libido and without that, I get a lot of pent-up energy. And the chemicals that come along with loving and being loved, they're only achieved alternately by drugs for me at least. But I'm going through a horrible Break-up and all the good oxytocin-type hormones have been replaced by misery-causing ones... hence the constant physical discomfort. But after about a month+, it seems like they're dissipating considerably.

[Tanzi]

Thank you ALL so much. Your posts have all been amazing and very inspiring.

 

I have just come back from a weekend away with a friend who is going through a fresh breakup (albeit from a very short-term relationship). She has been married before though and, like me, feels she has gone from one relationship to another without taking any real time out for herself or, at least, getting to the point where she is happy to be by herself.

 

It does seem that for many we only feel complete when we have a partner or we only feel worthy when we have someone to love us but, really, it is about having a sense of fulfillment and I can honestly look back and say that my marriage wasn't exactly fulfilling me! Even when I look back on my last relationship (as amazing as it was) we were at different stages of life and for either of us to feel truly fulfilled we needed different things from life. Hence our break-up.

 

So .. anyway ... after having had a lovely weekend we came to the conclusion that being single shouldn't be looked upon as a negative thing. Neither should it be about looking back over (and therefore still emotionally hanging onto) broken relationships until a time we find ourselves in another one. It should be about self-achievement, continuing to grow as a person and ticking off those things on our "List Of Things We Have Always Wanted To Do But Have Never Done"..

 

More importantly this is about a CHOICE. I choose NOT to be in a relationship for the foreseeable future. I can't see myself with anyone for a while. The reason I asked this question wasn't because I am no longer in a relationship and therefore wondered if I could ever be happy. I asked it because I don't want to be in a relationship, at least for a long while, but after looking back over my past relationships I wondered if it was possible to be both happy and single ... because I'm not aware if I have ever been truly happy to be single or single without an inclination to be in a relationship.

 

I have often heard people say that they are happy being single and I always wondered if they were speaking the truth or just saying their own personal "mantra" out loud. I can take from the above posts that, yes, they most probably were/are speaking the truth. I hope that one day I can say exactly the same thing.

 

Thank you all again!

[FreeFallFeelin]

By working my a$$ for 15 years in corporate America. I invested well, and took 2 years off, then opened my own company --- and use vacation time to continue traveling.

 

I have taken a couple years off for myself as well in the past (took the summer off this year as I was laid-off just before), and I did it the same way: worked and saved like a squirrel storing nuts for a long hard winter! Being debt free and living a very simple lifestyle help a lot too.

[FreeFallFeelin]

I recently read a book called 'The Joy of Living a Life of Appreciation'. It was a quick and easy read. Basically the book was formed by a woman who set out to find where and how people find "real" joy. She did an extensive study with a large group of people and in a nutshell it comes down to making a conscious effort to "stop and smell the roses". Most of us focus on attaining some huge prize or goal, believing that it will finally make us totally happy. But we also know that the elation fades quickly and our mood settles back to somewhere between "over the moon happy" and "down in the dumps". In that middle ground is where we have to learn to appreciate the small things to keep our brains trained on searching for our joy.

 

The book recommends doing a very simple three step process daily, to help kickstart your joy ride:

- every morning sit down for five minutes and write a list of three things that you are thankful for, and really feel deeply the joy about that thing or event

- after you've made your list, ask yourself this question: "what can I do today, big or small, to increase my joy even by a little bit?" Write it down and do it.

- Once a week take fifteen minutes to imagine or write about what you envision your ideal life to be like. Let your imagination run wild. This helps you define exactly what you really want.

 

I've just started doing this routine, and I must say, it does seem to help get my mind out of the gutter in those woeful morning hours. Seems trite, but hey, I'll try anything to shake the blues!

 

When it come right down to it, being happy is a choice and takes training yourself to rewire your outlook. Not easy, but much better than letting somebody else determine our level of joy. Also keep in mind (as others have said) that not everyone in a relationship is happy! I often wonder how many couples I see are really miserable and just hanging in there "just because". I think it's hard though, when you get a little older and you see the prospects for love getting thinner and thinner.

 

It's been two years for me since BU, and though I do feel lonely at times, I still can't bring myself to work at finding another relationship. I'm finally "getting over it", and I'm none too anxious to mess with the contentment I'm finally finding. Who knows, with my track record I may never be in a relationship again (that is depressing). But all I can do is make the most of what I have and what I am.