Tinkie9901

I have been in NC with my ex for about 4 months now. Well as NC as you can get when you work together... lol. We are on good terms but for now it's easier not being in contact on a personal level as things are still emotionally raw every now and again. While we were together I often encouraged my ex to put his hand up for an additional role in our workplace that I knew he would be great at, but he always brushed it off thinking the boss wouldn't even look at him. I suggested it to him again about a week ago when he helped trouble shoot an issue at work that involved this other role and he finally talked to the boss about doing it. Well today was his first day in that role and he blew everyone away with how good he was at it... and to be honest I am so proud of him. I want to send him a quick msg saying congrats, you did so well, everyone was raving about how good you are. But breaking NC is just asking for trouble I know. So I'll say it here... A*** you did awesome, you always underestimate yourself but today was proof that you can do anything even though you think you can't.

I guess this is my chance to say all the things I wanted to say to you but couldn’t. I hate that it was so awful and forced when we tried talking, I miss the way we could talk to each other so freely as friends in the days before everything. I want to tell you that I’m really happy for you, and proud of you. You are doing the things you said you needed to do when you left, and I can see you are really making positive changes. You don’t recognise it, but what you are doing isn’t easy. You too often focus on the negative, and disregard the praise. But remember, you’ve gone from failing university to turning it around to be passing on an increased course load. Yes you delayed going to university and worked first, yes you had a couple of years of failing and were nearly kicked out and had to petition to keep your place. Yes you are years behind where you wanted to be. But you’ve turned it around, you’ve identified your shortcomings and fixed them. Don’t underestimate how big a thing that is. I know your dream is to finish this double degree, and I know that you are fighting to do it, and improving every semester. And for that I am happy and proud for you. It is not easy to identify your faults and fix them. Be proud that you did. Many people take till much later in life to get there. I hope your life continues on this upward trajectory, and that while you may stumble along the way, it will all come together in the end.

If only I could go back to that night, where we were still best friends, the night you asked for a kiss. I wouldn't have done it. I would rather still have my best friend, instead of having you as my partner for a few months then losing you. You talk of us being friends still, but it doesn't feel the same. There is too much that can't be said, too much awkwardness. So I avoid you, and it hurts. You were a much better friend than partner, but I've lost both, and I can't get my best friend back no matter how hard you try to pretend its ok.

I just wish there was a fast forward button so I can go straight to the time when I don't think of you anymore. One minute I am doing fine and then a random memory or thought will come up and I am missing you again... although its probably not even you... I'm just missing being in a relationship.

Why have you been going through my facebook page and all the photo albums? I haven't looked at yours once since we split, hid all your updates from my news feed. But last night I get an alert on my phone, you liked one of the photos on my page. A picture from the deck of our holiday cabin the week before we broke up. Why do that? Now all I have is thoughts of you and that trip going round and round in my head.

I just wish there was a fast forward button, so I could get to a point where I'm not missing you every day.

I miss the hugs when I'm sad, or having someone to text when I just need a chat. I have my other friends, but you were my best friend and understood me like no-one else. How do I fill that void?

We passed each other at work today, and you gave me the most awkward of smiles. You've told me you feel guilty for me being sad and it makes it uncomfortable for you to be around me. I don't know why you feel guilty. Now the dust has settled from the breakup I can see how many other things in my life I'm not happy with, now that I don't have you to distract me. It's going to be a big effort to change my approach to my life, to become a stronger person, more able to set boundaries with other people. And that makes me sad, how overwhelmed I feel with the task at hand.

I think it is just loneliness in general, not a specific desire for you. I'm just so used to having you to fill my time. I guess that's the problem with falling in love with your best friend I guess. When the relationship doesn't work out the void in your life is even bigger. You were the one I would chat to when I was bored, or something was bothering me. And I don't have that now.

I feel so lost without you, or maybe its just without someone to fill the voids. To talk to when I have nothing else to do...

Wow... three months... seems like nothing and yet a lifetime at the same time. I think I am doing pretty well now, but I still have those moments like tonight. I know it is just loneliness, missing having "someone" more than missing you in particular. I'm grieving having a relationship, that someone to cuddle and to fill the gap in my thoughts. I get a little sad, maybe jealous is more accurate, when I see you laughing and having a good time with your mates. I wonder why I couldn't make you happy like that. Then I remind myself, that its not my fault, that you had many more things making you sad than just the pressures of a relationship. Part of me is glad that you are happy again, that you have taken the pressure off yourself and started to come out of your shell again. But part of me is sad that it was not something you were able to do while you were with me. I still love you very much, but in a different way now. It's drifting back towards how it was when we were just the best of friends long before we took that leap to something more. There are still twinges now and again, small hurts when I hear you mention all the fun you are having without me. But I'm not sure if that's just because I feel so uncomfortable in my own life right now. I miss you A, but the funny thing is, its not the boyfriend I miss anymore, its the best friend. I just want to hang out, have fun again, will we ever get back to that?

Do you know how much I miss having you to talk to?

Hello you, it would have been one year today. I wonder what we would have been doing. I know we would have been having fun no matter what it was. And I remember what you said to me once, that you could spend 5 hours sitting on a couch with me, and it would still be the best 5 hours of your life. I hope you know that went both ways. Have a wonderful day whatever you spend it doing, uni probably. But I hope it is full of smiles and happiness.

When we got together, it was your first serious relationship and you said I would teach you as we went. It's funny though, I think you ended up teaching me more. Taught me about myself, taught me about letting go when it's not right, even when two people still love each other. In my life I had always been the one saving everyone else, being the shoulder to cry on, the one looking out for everyone else and giving the help. For the first time the role was reversed, and I had somebody to lean on. It makes me so sad that you feel you aren't "good enough" because I can see how amazing you are, not perfect (nobody is), but amazing.

It's pouring with rain here... we always used to love snuggling up when it rains... and if we weren't in the same place we would txt each other that it was raining and curl up in our own beds and imagine we were together... I miss you so much when it rains...