Can we really be happy and fulflled alone

[mhowe]

When I was in grad school, I would cut RE adds out of Sun magazines and post them on my refrig.

 

10 years later, I was showing a friend of mine my "new" house --- a charming farm w/ pastures and a barn. She started crying, and I looked at her surprised..."what's wrong".

 

And she said "OMG, mhowe --- dreams really can come true. You have been dreaming about this for years".

 

I had actually forgotten about the pictures on the fridge, but I had held the vision in my heart.

[Tanzi]

How odd. I was just speaking to a friend. She attended a course at work today on how to manage stress and they said some very similar things. She went into the course not expecting to put much stock into what was being said but she actually found it very useful. They were asked to look at their main focuses and goals in life. Apparently many of us put ourselves under too much pressure by focusing on unrealistic achievements when, really, we should be looking at the daily achievements we make. A lot of them become insignificant to us because we do them everyday and we are not even aware of them but they are still, nevertheless, achievements that we should be proud of. Instead we becoming oblivious to them, choosing to worry about things that have no bearing on us as successful individuals.

 

 

 

That's a lovely story mhowe.

[tadpole3]

I think there's always a need to share your experiences? So maybe it doesn't have to be with a romantic partner, but I think having a close friend or two to share things with is what keeps us from being lonely. Even though I'm a Myers-Briggs introvert, it is nice to share.

[Tanzi]

I think there's always a need to share your experiences? So maybe it doesn't have to be with a romantic partner, but I think having a close friend or two to share things with is what keeps us from being lonely. Even though I'm a Myers-Briggs introvert, it is nice to share.

 

I agree, especially when someone is going through similar experiences. Not being in love or in a relationship doesn't have to equal loneliness.

[Kittykat12]

I am lucky that I have a small group of very close friends that know me very well , and are a great support system.

 

I have known them for many years.

 

In a lot of ways I think I make a much better friend than partner

 

I need to learn to treat my partners as well as my friends.

[IAmFCA]

What I like about this thread is how it has become inspirational, almost by accident. So many ways each of us has found motivation, affirmation, appreciation, regardless of what our paths throw at us.

[Tanzi]

I am lucky that I have a small group of very close friends that know me very well , and are a great support system.

 

I have known them for many years.

 

In a lot of ways I think I make a much better friend than partner

 

I need to learn to treat my partners as well as my friends.

 

I absolutely agree with you.

 

Not long after I split from ex-boyfriend I was talking to another mum at my youngest daughter's school. It turned out that she had just split from her bf (she had separated from her husband two years before). We agreed to go out one evening. Eventually, through her I met another school mum going through the same thing and through this mum we met another and so on. Now we have become this little group of single mums who are all there pushing and pulling each other through the hard times. It has been a godsend, it really has. We always have something ahead of us planned and, after our weekend away, we are hoping to get as many of us together for weekends away to as many Towns and Cities as we can. Christmas and New Year plans are also underway.

 

Friends really are important. I am doing more now than I did in both my marriage and my ex-relationship which is why I want to embrace being single.

 

I just need to get rid of this tiny knot in my stomach every time I think of my ex.

[Tanzi]

What I like about this thread is how it has become inspirational, almost by accident. So many ways each of us has found motivation, affirmation, appreciation, regardless of what our paths throw at us.

 

It certainly has. I woke up this morning with a spring in my step. At this moment in time I am feeling very positive about the future whether I have someone "special" to share it with or not. Even an email from my ex yesterday didn't rock me.

 

I just hope it can stay this way.

[quirky]

Loved reading the replies.

 

I have a lot of thoughts about the subject and they are conflicting thoughts. Although I have now been single for 2 years I have still been thinking of my ex and getting over that. Less and less as time went by.

 

I do feel happy by myself. Mostly because it is easy and distraction free. Sometimes relationships throw me, I am more focused in my life when I am single and it is easier to arrange things. The reason I like being single is because on a deeper lever relationships equate compromise or pain for me. Now...I am pretty melodramatic so even if things are great I will somehow imagine some cinematographic situation that never happened and I will get low. Or I will think of the injustice in the world and get low. Unlike many people my focus is not in being happy, it is in being authentic. And then that makes me fulfilled. If I can be authentic in a relationship too then yes I will be fulfilled. But usually I am happier, more authentic, more content on my own.

 

Being happy on your own also relates to how you see your place in this world. I feel a strong need to connect with life around me and because of it I rarely feel alone. Sometimes I arrogantly think I don't need love like other people do because I feel a lot of love from life around me, because I am connected to it..the sun, the plants, the butterflies. I do a lot of simple things that make me happy like stepping on crunchy tree leaves, trying to move the bushes back and forth and looking at the sun till it blinds me a little or look at the wind going past the trees and flowers. Like FFF I have a gratitude list ingrained in my head and because of it I can often see beauty even in my darkest hours.

 

Being happy on your own or with a partner depends a lot of what value you hold about yourself and how brave you are with change. If you own those 2 traits then it will be as fulfilling to be single or with someone. It is more likely to have a fulfilling relationships if you have a healthy sense of self worth and if you are willing to take a risk. That second bit is difficult. To take a risk, to make a different choice..how often we stick to what's familiar regarding, jobs, friends, clothes, partners. Because even if it's frustrating it is within our comfort zone. Personally, pushing my comfort zone is one of my biggest challenges. I keep trying to convince myself that if I push my comfort zone then I might, just might.. get to the magic zone ! But I struggle. Like I think many people do. Still trying though.. 8)

 

I just realised I made no solid point ha ! I feel conflicted between believing that happiness is something we can provide to ourselves, it's not dependant on another person but also worrying that we can get so used to our own ways that we block romantic love out.

[mhowe]

I don't think it is possible to block romantic love.out.

My first great love.found me in grad school...2 yes I had.set aside and KNEW I wouldn't date because I had neither the time or the money. And my ex was a skier!

 

This time...I was approaching 50, content with my life...and a friend/ tenant started showing me some attention. I really thought nothing of it. Two years later...we started our relationships.

So...when you least expect...cupid will sling an arrow at you!

[Tanzi]

I do feel happy by myself. Mostly because it is easy and distraction free. Sometimes relationships throw me, I am more focused in my life when I am single and it is easier to arrange things. The reason I like being single is because on a deeper lever relationships equate compromise or pain for me.

 

I just realised I made no solid point ha ! I feel conflicted between believing that happiness is something we can provide to ourselves, it's not dependant on another person but also worrying that we can get so used to our own ways that we block romantic love out.

 

Thank you for your post quicky ... and you did make some solid points.

 

I am (or rather have been) conflicted with opinions on whether or not our happiness is dependent on another person (which I do realise isn't the point you were making btw).

 

At this moment in time I am riding high on the crest of a positive wave. I know, however, that those feelings could change. All it would take is for me to fall completely out of love with my ex, then there would be no "going under". Just that one task and job done!

 

I am good now. I am happy (mostly) and I am determined to move on. However I am still in love with my ex. It is an odd balance and not a "correct" balance.

 

Being happy on my own is a NOT a "balance" I have achieved yet and, until I took a good look back over my life, this is something that I never realised either. It was quite unnerving to realise that someone else has always been my main FOCUS and never just ME.

[IAmFCA]

Quirky your post is spot on in its spotlessness.

 

Just last night was having this conversation about independence, interdependence, and my difficulty in even choosing someone to date. I am (finally?) so full of respect for my path.Now, I want to offer less to a man, because I want to take less from him. I want it balanced.

 

It was suggested that I have a massive barrier to protect me from being in a relationship. But, why wouldn't anyone have such a boundary? I said, Experience has taught me that following my devil-may-care perspective may get me into a relationship that is good for 2 years, 10 years. I am looking for 40 years. I am being very intentional.

 

So now, am I being too independent? How do I know? I am enjoying my path.

 

So Q, yes, its a conflict. I am hopeful love will somehow hit me over the head, because all the normal ways seem fruitless...

[Tanzi]

At the end of the day we need to do what makes us happy or what we are comfortable with.

 

Nevertheless, I believe in the old adage ... "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all".

 

When I entered into my (now-ex) relationship, I knew (we both did) that a future together was unlikely ... impossible, even. Nevertheless we through caution to the wind and let ourselves fall deeply into something we knew was going to cause us pain in the end. Three years later it has done exactly that but, given the choice, I wouldn't change anything. I don't regret the last three years of my life.

 

It may have only been 3 years but they were an amazing 3 years and I am sure, at some point in the not too far off future, I will be able to look back on this and see all that it gave me and taught me, without the cutting pain I still feel at the moment.

 

No-one would choose to suffer the pain of a BU but if you aren't prepared to accept the pain then you may never experience love.

 

Still, all that being said, I feel that emotional boundary around me now meaning that I want to enjoy a path of independence for a while too.

[Tinkie9901]

That raises an interesting point a-little-blue, is it worth doing if you know it's going to end? Same as you, both myself and my ex knew in our hearts it wouldn't work long term, but in the flush of romantic feelings and eventually love we also "threw caution to the wind". Afterwards my brother asked why I even did it knowing it wouldn't work out and that I'd just get hurt. The time spent with a wonderful man, who treated me with care and respect, after a bad marriage, I think was worth this pain. It showed me what it was like to be treated well by a partner, and that I deserve it, and I think that's a valuable lesson worth the pain. But there are also plenty who have told me I shouldn't have done it knowing it wasn't going to be forever.

 

That being said I am also not yet ready to risk that pain again, and actually burst in to tears when someone made a romantic approach, to much embarrassment on my behalf.... lol

[Tanzi]

Aaw Tinkie, I hear ya. I did a ridiculous thing a few weeks back. I set up an online dating profile ... but I am by no means ready to be approached by other men and it had a pretty disastrous affect on me too ... though it did give me a much needed kick up the butt in relation to my outlook on life, love and being happy by myself. i really just don't WANT any of "that".

 

"They" say that "everything happens for a reason" and, as regards love and relationships, I have so far found that to be true. Both my ex and I agreed that neither of us would choose to take away the pain by wiping away the last 3 years .... for exactly the same reasons as you gave ....

 

The time spent with a wonderful man, who treated me with care and respect, after a bad marriage, I think was worth this pain. It showed me what it was like to be treated well by a partner.

 

Many people, even members of eNA, warned me that my relationship would likely end in tears. I knew it too but I still can't regret it. To feel an intense pain means you have felt an intense love too and I wouldn't want NOT to have ever felt that intense love. It came at the right point in my life and has now set a new "benchmark" for me that can only improve the life I had prior to meeting him.

[quirky]

How were you able to enjoy it knowing it would end?

I have made this mistake a few times. I sadly can't see it as 'I enjoyed it for as long as it lasted' I see it with slight regret as in I wasn't being totally true to my needs and went with a 'for now' option. I have found that a relationship that has a 'best before date' on it causes me more pain and drama.

[Tanzi]

How were you able to enjoy it knowing it would end?

I have made this mistake a few times. I sadly can't see it as 'I enjoyed it for as long as it lasted' I see it with slight regret as in I wasn't being totally true to my needs and went with a 'for now' option. I have found that a relationship that has a 'best before date' on it causes me more pain and drama.

 

It's hard to explain logically. In fact it isn't logical. We just rode on the most powerful emotions, pushing the more "logical" emotions aside. In the beginning there was always a "promise" of something and we made excuses that allowed us to head into something that most people told us wouldn't last. I guess you could say that we were in denial. We told ourselves it could work.

 

What we both feel and know now is certainly not something that was foremost on our minds "back then". The reality of our situation was always there, bubbling away under the surface, and the emotions would often boil over bu we would talk about them, reassure each other and continue on enjoying what we had. However, throughout most of our third year together, the emotions were repeatedly bubbling over and we realised it was time to face reality. Oddly enough it became something we found harder to talk about and, somehow, we hung on for a whole year knowing it had to end ... mostly because neither of us had the strength to end it.

 

Whichever way I look at it, I can't regret the choice I made.

 

My ex-husband cheated on me twice and eventually left me for another woman. In the aftermath of that I let another man string me along for a very long time. I was lacking in confidence, self-esteem and much more besides. Then along comes this drop-dead gorgeous man who not only falls head over heals in love with me but seems to adore me. My confidence, self-esteem, not to mention my faith in men is restored. He just happens to be much younger than me that's all. Only that's not really all .....

 

It is time to take some time out now so I can reflect on the choices I have made but at least I can do so having been given back was I was giving for so long.

[Tinkie9901]

My experience is scarily similar to yours a-little-blue and I can 100% agree with your sentiments above. Well said.

[Tanzi]

My experience is scarily similar to yours a-little-blue and I can 100% agree with your sentiments above. Well said.

 

In a sense I feel he came along at the right time to do all those things.

 

My ex said to me that the pain he was feeling was testament to what we had meant to each other and to have felt it any less wouldn't have done the relationship any justice. I'm not really sure if that makes any sense or not. I guess it means to have anything good we have to be prepared to take the bad.

 

Whatever, it all seems a bit effed up and is a real drain on one's emotional resources. As much as I don't/won't/can't regret it, the thought of going through this again, at least for a while, is a complete no/no.