I am going to report my grandma to dmv. :-/ help?

[TalkThatTalk9]

I have written in the past about my grandma's issues here, and I was told in the past to get the heck out of her house... but I have had no where to go and no one else has stepped up to take care of her so I am still here, but moving in september.

 

my grandma has parkinson's, fainting spells and a really bad memory that is showing signs of dementia. She had a spinal fusion surgery in april, and since then I have had to take care of her. for the month after her surgery, she was fainting and falling down up to 7 times a day. no one would listen to me when I said there was a problem, she ended up in the hospital for a week. they actually made her rest there, and when she came home she thought she was fine. well she is not.

 

she was not allowed to drive after surgery, and when she went back to the doctor, he said she could drive. without knowing that she was in the hospital for fainting. he ok'ed her to drive, and when she got home she looked me right in the face and said "I CAN DRIVE NOW. HA HA!!!!!" like she was teasing me.

 

several incidents have happened in the past month that makes me want to report her to the dmv anonymously.

 

a few weeks ago, she went to leave the house and pulled out in front of a semi. he blared his horn, and my dad saw it all happen. he said my grandma came within seconds of getting hit by the semi. when we brought it up to her, she got mad and blamed the driver for going too fast (we live on a country road).

 

strike 2, was last friday. I woke up to a phone call from my grandma to get to the town restaraunt immediately and she hung up. I pull up to the restaraunt and see ambulances and lights everywhere. I run in and she is surrounded by paramedics. She fainted at the restaraunt. and they would not let her drive home, and she was mad they wouldn't let her. we told her it was a good reason as to why they didn't let her. she just dismissed it.

 

3rd strike is yesterday. she told me yesterday she was too dizzy and shouldn't of drove, but did anyways because she had to eat something. she has food here at home.

 

 

she is going to kill herself or someone. I tell my dad she shouldn't drive, he makes up reasons why it is ok. I tell my aunt she shouldn't drive, my aunt just acts like she can't do anything and ignores it.

 

she makes me SO MAD she is being so selfish and putting lives in danger.

 

I can not take her keys from her (I dare anyone to try, the rage would be insane). I can not tell her what to do. She is the most stubborn, bullheaded woman I know.

 

so I am going to do the only thing I Can do and report her.

 

my question is.... is anyone familair with anonymously reporting someone to the dmv? is it really anonymous? if she ever found out it was me I would be murdered.

 

I keep thinking that if she takes the test, and passes, then fine she can drive I won't say another word. but I know she will try going to a specific dmv that does 2 min driving tests..... in and out... basically, she will try cheating to get what she needs.

 

i need help and advice. I am so scared she is going to get hurt.

 

and please don't say I am putting her in danger by letting her drive. I do not let her do anything, she is in control of herself. I scream things at her and she just does not listen and no one is helping me. and her doctor would NEVER report her to DMV... they are great friends and he does whatever she wants. and if anyone in the family says anything to him or tries to get involved, he turns cold shoulder at them and ignores them..

 

I know people have told me before to get out of this situation. I am trying my absolute best to. believe me. the hell I wake up in every day is just starting to avalanche my mind and body. I am all alone in this situation, I need any advice I can get.

 

thank you all in advance.

[mhowe]

Call her doctor --- and have him tell her. And he can contact the DMV.

 

It is appalling the lack of responsibility that your father and aunt are showing. This should not be on your shoulders.

[iamkaylee]

Check with the DMV and find out what the procedure is.

Call her doctor and have a frank discussion with him. He needs to be aware of the most recent fainting spell where the ambulance was called and that she was hospitalized. If he still won't consider talking to her about this, it's on his hands.

Also, see who the attending physician was when she was in the hospital and talk to them, maybe they'll have some suggestions.

[TalkThatTalk9]

I know. I mentioned above, she has been going to her doctor for decades. they are garden friends, personal friends. my aunt tried talking to him once and he gave her the cold shoulder and now ignores her when he see's her. my grandma said to all of us she told him not to speak to any of us about her health issues.

 

I feel it would be like talking to a wall. my brother went in about 6 months ago for a visit for himself, and told the doctor that he is so scared we are going to find out grandma dead in a ditch her driving is that bad. he said "Wow I didn't realize it was that bad". and he has never done ANYTHING about it since.

 

she is goign to the mayo clinic in two weeks to try and figure this fainting out (although I have researched it and it is VERY common with parkinson's and the meds she is on. she never drinks water, and needs to readjust her meds to normalize her blood pressure, but when I tell her this she says I have no idea what I am talking about... and goes on thinking she has cancer or something.....) so she will be going there.....

 

I feel like it is a never ending battle. I feel I am the only one worried and seeing what is really going on. everyone else is in so much denial. and arguing about everything.

 

I have had to continue my caregiving this summer, and she is in the process of selling her house. she is moving in october. but she has not done anything to get ready... she has 30 acres, 4 buildings of crap, and 30 years of things she needs to move. and I know I am going to be the one stuck doing everything. no one is coming around.

I have been applying at jobs 24/7 when I can... I am trying so hard to get out of here so they have to find a nother solution to her caregiving.

 

but then I panic and think if I am not here, what will happen? I am so stressed I cry almost every morning I wake up. I hate being here. I have no where else to go. I know I have been on here before, but telling me to leave is easier said than done. I am going to crack at any second. and on top of it all, she doesn't seem to appreciate any of what I Am doing.

 

sorry had to vent.

 

p.s. she has like, 7 doctors. her primamry physician is her friend. and her biggest ally/supporter. her other doctors don't seem to have a clue about anything going on with her. I think she keeps alot of it from them.

[TalkThatTalk9]

I am going to call the DMV tomorrow for sure to see what I need to do....

 

I wish i had money to go to therapy..... I have this stress of taking care of her, the property, coming to the realization she is slowly dying, she is selling my childhood home which is very emotional to me. I have no job, no home, have to find both in a few months. I am going to lose it soon. I just feel on edge all the time

[Sparklesong]

You absolutely need to let her doctor know, too! Don't worry about HIPAA.....that only keeps them from telling you things, but you can tell them everything they need to know.

 

You need to give the doctor specifics, date and time, exactly what she did so that he can document it and make a legal record of it (medical charts are considered legal documents, because that's what the DMV will need to revoke her driving priveleges. I know your brother tried, but just saying you're "afraid" you're going to find her dead in a ditch in the doctor's eyes, is only voicing a fear, it doesn't give facts.

 

You should put everything in writing, addressed to the doctor, saying something like "I feel that my grandmother, Mrs. So & So, is a danger to herself and other because of the following events that happened while she was driving alone and then list them, Date, time, what happened, witnesses. You have to list specifics, not just your fears, even though they're legitimate fears. You have to keep everything legal.

[RedDress]

My advice won't be popular - but I think you should reconsider.

 

It seems like your primary concern is her dizziness/fainting. This is certainly a very valid concern. But... she is also going to the mayo clinic in 2 weeks to see if they can sort that out. It's definitely not ok to keep fainting/feeling dizzy up to 7 times a day, it sounds like this is med-induced.

 

Taking someone's driver's license away is a very big deal. It removes her autonomy. It means that, especially if she lives in the country, she cannot go to the store to get a bag of milk, she cannot go to doctor's appointments, etc. This kind of thing often throws people into despair and depression, and it will increase her level of dependance on others. So... even if you move out, you will need to be prepared to go to her house daily to get her stuff she needs, keep her company, maybe bring her to appointments.

 

... and the med thing could be temporary. If you take her license away for medical reasons, that is permanent.

 

Instead, for the next two weeks and since you are unemployed, I would offer to take her everywhere. If she wants to go to the store? Say you want to go too and ask if you can come (and drive). If she wants to go... wherever... tell her you are itching to go for a drive and insist on taking her. Do it from a position of "I want to" and "let me" - not from a position of "you can't". Because she will fight you on "you can't".

 

I would do that for the next 2 weeks and see what happens with the meds before you do anything. If the situation persists after her meds have been regulated - THEN you could do something (including telling her doctor, even if it means he will shun you). But... not until then.

[annie24]

I think she is a danger to herself and others. You should tell her doctor and the DMV how serious this is. You don't want the next call you get to be from the police or hospital.

[Fudgie]

Call her doctor AND the DMV and get the ball rolling.

 

My boyfriend did the same thing with his grandmother, she was driving even though she had dementia and was told NOT to drive.

 

She doesn't drive anymore and is thankfully confined to her home now.

 

Do the right thing. Save a life and report her.

[Sparklesong]

^^^^ agree.

 

It's better to be the bad guy for awhile and save her life, or someone else's than to wait and have something tragic happen.

[iamkaylee]

I'm going to give you an unrelated bit of advice here.

 

Make a call to social services and call the local senior center. I'd start with the local senior center, they can help guide you. Not for her, for YOU. Leaving is not an option for you right now and I understand that. Specifically, inquire about caregiver support and assistance programs. You're overwhelmed. Badly. There are programs you can get into, whether it's a support group, meals delivery program, advice, home health care, or even someone to come out and assess your grandma and the situation you have at home. You can not continue to do this by yourself.

[luminousone]

Also, see who the attending physician was when she was in the hospital and talk to them, maybe they'll have some suggestions.

 

Bingo! Since her regular doc is her "friend" then it is best to give this information to the doc in the hospital.

[luminousone]

Okay I just looked it up on my state's DMV website and medical personnel must report by law to the DMV if someone has severe and sustained vertigo or dizziness.

 

There is an online place to report someone anonymously too.

 

Maybe yours has an online reporting program too- that way you don't have to mess with that enabling quack of a doctor!

[luminousone]

I'm going to give you an unrelated bit of advice here.

 

Make a call to social services and call the local senior center. I'd start with the local senior center, they can help guide you. Not for her, for YOU. Leaving is not an option for you right now and I understand that. Specifically, inquire about caregiver support and assistance programs. You're overwhelmed. Badly. There are programs you can get into, whether it's a support group, meals delivery program, advice, home health care, or even someone to come out and assess your grandma and the situation you have at home. You can not continue to do this by yourself.

 

Great advice

[agent1607307371]

My sister has a friend who's aunt and uncle were hit by someone who fainted when out riding their bikes. The aunt was killed immediately and her uncle spent months and months in plaster with a lot of bones broken.

 

What you want to do is hard, but it's the right thing. I am so sorry that all this repsonsibility is being put on your shoulders.

[Moontiger]

One more months until you move. That's good. I agree with most of what has been said here. Here is my advice:

 

1) Do contact the doctor but be very careful about what you say, "Hi Dr. X, its (name), (grandmother's name) grand-daughter. I wanted to ask you something. I am really worried about my grandma. I know you cleared her to drive but over the past few weeks my family and I have witnessed some things that make us worried if its safe for you to dive anymore. (Explain your examples). Do you think it would be better if she didn't drive until we figure out what is making her faint and be dizzy?"

 

2) Contact the DMV. You don't have to say its about your grandmother just that there is a senior who is having medical problems and who's driving is putting her and others at risk.

 

3) Contact social services. I don't know what they will be able to do but its worth a shot/

 

Good Luck/

[luminousone]

Okay, here's a link to your state's website:

 

link removed

[luminousone]

It is interesting that in your state, only a physician or police officer can report them to your DMV. In my state they will take reports from anyone.

 

Since her primary care physician is not following the law, then you can try sending informstion of the near misses and her license plate number to the police.

 

On a different note, I really hope you are able to find a job soon!

[Lorem Ipsum]

Taking someone's driver's license away is a very big deal. It removes her autonomy.

Yes, that's true. But driving is not a right, it's a privilege. You wouldn't be saying that if Grandma had been arrested for repeated DUIs. It is traumatic to get sick, old and lose your autonomy. But whether she likes it or not, whether she's ready for it or not, she must stop driving. If her stint in the Mayo fixes her fainting problems, it still won't solve her dementia or Parkinson's. There was an elderly woman who backed over a toddler in a parking lot in my town, she had been told not to drive but did it anyway. Does anyone's need for autonomy/independence trump someone else's life? I don't think so.

 

OP, you've been given some good advice, especially about contacting senior support in your area. In the meantime, I'm going to suggest something underhanded -- disable her car. If you can't take her keys or convince her to give them up, take her spark plugs. Get your uncle or someone to show you where they are if you don't know yourself. Disconnect the battery. Leave her lights on so the battery dies. Siphon out the gas. If her car can't start, she can't go. Then offer to drive her wherever it is she needs to go, do not give her your keys, start a "nobody drives my car but me, my insurance won't allow it" type policy. IMO, it's going to take time to muster the support you need from the medical community/your family. Even if her licence is taken away, her car won't be automatically sold off or otherwise removed. If she gets the car towed to a mechanic, talk to the mechanic about the problem because he'll be able to spot what's wrong in about 10 seconds or he's a cheat. Maybe he can keep the car for a while as it's "fixed" buying you more time.

 

One other thing, you may want to report her to the police. If you live in a small town, then it would be fairly easy for them to keep an eye on her car. She's already had one public fainting incident with ambulances. The cops may have a suggestion for what you can do, I'm sure you wouldn't be the first person to report such a problem.

 

And as for the rest of your family, it's time to reach deep down into all your stress and sadness, get angry and have a "come to Jesus" meeting with them. If the house has been sold and all the crap that is there has to be gotten rid of, there's no way that you and your elderly, sick grandma are going to be able to do all of that by October. You need help and you need it now. Even if you have to wind up calling 1-800-got-junk or something. You might also look into local auctioneers, see if you can get something set up. They might have some suggestions of who you can contact to help get things ready. It won't be free, but once your family knows how much it's going to cost, maybe they'll pitch in. Maybe. And start packing the things you want to keep.

[browneyedgirl36]

Call her doctor --- and have him tell her. And he can contact the DMV.

 

It is appalling the lack of responsibility that your father and aunt are showing. This should not be on your shoulders.

 

This^^ Both of my grandparents lost their licenses later in life (as they should have -- they were both becoming very dangerous to themselves AND to others behind the wheel). Both were showing early signs of dementia, and my grandmother had begun having mild seizures. My dad, his brother and sister tried to reason with both of them -- even tried taking their keys away -- but to no avail. My grandfather actually hotwired his own car and drove it, he was so desperate to drive. He got pulled over by the police for going 25 mph on the freeway! Finally, the family spoke with his doctor, and his doctor contacted the DMV, and his license was revoked. A similar thing happened with my grandmother -- she needed to retake the test, and she failed. She took it again, and she failed again. The third time she failed, her doctor stepped in -- wrote a letter to DMV stating that she wasn't safe to drive. They were both VERY unhappy, and it meant my parents and my aunt and uncle had to drive them everywhere, but it was for the best.

 

Have your father call the doctor. It sounds like your grandmother is a ticking time bomb behind the wheel. It's just a matter of time before someone gets hurt.