The appeal of having babies?

[turnthepage]

I am 95% sure I do not want babies. However I am still relatively young at 26 and yet to start my career - I am an undergraduate.

 

The 95% centres on the fact it seems life would stop and would centre on my child when there is so much to do and see in the world myself. This isn't appealing and in turn I don't think it is selfish, I want an amazing career and I am horribly ambitious. I want to contribute to the world intellectually and in many other ways, just not maternally.

 

However, most guys I know and meet definitely do want babies. I guess the 5% appeal is that it's unconditional love and that is only a good thing. Perhaps my thoughts stem from an unconventional childhood and my mum has recently passed away so it's a shady area for me.

 

What is the appeal? Please do share your enthusiasm if you have it. It seems most people want babies and though I understand this stance from a genetics point of view.. I can't help thinking it's not for me and that there's so much more to life.

 

Enthusiasm will be greatly received! Though I do not want children and will probably not change my mind, I definitely want to fall in love and probably get married. Might be a challenge though with the aspiring baby making machines I frequently encounter

[martymoose]

I am only 21 but i have wanted to have a family for years now. sounds crazy but sometimes i feel like one of my only purposes here on earth is to be an incredible mother/wife...i cannot wait to have my own family. that being said: i have never had career goals. my ultimate goal is to be super mom.

 

Kids are wonderful and i think being a mom is a full time job in its self. an awesome one at that.

 

If you have career goals then good for you!! focus on them! sounds cliche but "do what your heart desires!"

 

hopefully this helps.

[ming1]

I'm 95% certain I don't want kids either. Granted I'm a lot younger than you so it's theoretical that might change, I don't have any future desire in the slightest to have kids.

 

My reasons are basically the same as yours. It's almost as if your life ends when you have a kid as all of your focus is removed from yourself and redirected on the child. You're no longer able to do any of the things you used to enjoy and have to put up with the daily needs an infant demands. Maybe it sounds selfish, but it's not for me either.

[pl3asehelp]

For us it's that we get to see little people that are half my wife and half me - really can bond you to your spouse like nothing else. Really for me it made me feel like all previous relationships were a t-ball game and now I'm in the world series. I also enjoy/prefer family life and activities and find it to be far more rewarding that my life before kids, which was completely centered around me.

 

Plus I've traveled all over, made lots of money, and done pretty much everything I wanted to before having kids so I don't feel like I'm sacrificing any of that.

[martymoose]

i dont think it sounds selfish. some people just arent given that desire to have kids and you know what: that is totally okay!!! your life practically comes to a screaching hault when you pop out a couple little ones...so much sacrifice goes into raising kids.

 

honestly its not fair to the kids unless your heart is 100 percent in it.

 

my advice: wait until you are POSITIVE you want kids before bringing them into this world!

[Seraphim]

I don't think anyone explaining their enthusiasm for their children or their love and excitement for their children will do any good in most cases with people who don't want them.

 

Just be happy for what you want in life.

[turnthepage]

Thanks for the replies - I completely understand that it is fine for me to not have them and never would if I was not 100% sure. However with a crazy childhood and negative relationships with parents it is sometimes hard to ascertain my real emotions that are not influenced by personal experiences. I am genuinely interested in the appeal of babies and want to see it in a new light opposed to my negative "my life would stop" viewpoint.

 

pl3asehelp: That was a really lovely post and a great way of looking at it, thanks.

[laninaperdida]

My husband will legit have to pay me to have babies.

It's not that I don't want them, but I need to have them under traditional standards.

Married... non of this common law ****. I personally think common law is a joke.

I have to be married for a long time as well (4 years or so).

I want to be able to experience things with my husband.

We don't have to be rich, but stable as in neither of us are planning to go to school.

[savignon]

I don't think anyone explaining their enthusiasm for their children or their love and excitement for their children will do any good in most cases with people who don't want them.

 

Just be happy for what you want in life.

 

Well said!! I didn't want kids at one point and nothing, nothing, nothing in my life was a better decision than having my daughter. Its entirely indescribable and if you decide to have one one day you likely will think it was the best thing you've ever done. And if not, you'll still have a fulfilling and exciting life knowing that you made the right choice for you.

Enjoy it either way!

[pl3asehelp]

Thanks for the replies - I completely understand that it is fine for me to not have them and never would if I was not 100% sure. However with a crazy childhood and negative relationships with parents it is sometimes hard to ascertain my real emotions that are not influenced by personal experiences. I am genuinely interested in the appeal of babies and want to see it in a new light opposed to my negative "my life would change" viewpoint.

 

pl3asehelp: That was a really lovely post and a great way of looking at it, thanks.

 

Thanks. I don't think it's selfish at all not to have kids either. I would have been devastated to have them before age 30 myself. It's the most difficult thing I've ever done by far and mine are both still under 5.

[blueidealist24]

I don't think I want to have children either. There's just so many other things I want to do, I feel like they would sort of 'get in the way' and I think it wouldn't be fair to have them if I didn't really want them, like I couldn't give my all to them. I see so many kids whose parents had them as an accident or just because and I feel bad for them because they're not receiving adequate love and care sometimes. I also don't understand how other women feel their biological clock ticking. I'm 26 and I don't feel that at all lol.

[NorthDallas40]

I never wanted kids growing up, nor when I was in a 16-year relationship with my ex-wife. Like you, I wanted to keep my freedom, didn't want the hassle, didn't want to contribute to world overpopulation, etc.

 

But after my divorce, I met a girl who wanted kids and I was so much in love with her at the time that it seemed like a really appealing prospect. Sharing our lives together, building a family, creating something more than just either of us separately... I was on board. Ultimately though, she ended the relationship.

 

That's when I realized why I didn't want kids with my ex-wife: she was a good person, but we had very different approaches about some important things in life, and I just couldn't see us being good parents together.

 

My next LTR was the same. She desperately wanted kids but try as I might, I just couldn't see her being a good mother, so for that reason among others, I broke things off.

 

Then my last LTR turned my head around again. She was smart, great with kids, motivated, lovely, responsible... the idea of starting a family with her was even stronger than the first girl I mentioned above. I could see being content and happy for the rest of my life with her, and having kids would have been icing on the cake. I knew we would have been in total agreement about how to raise our kids to be the best they could be, and I was really looking forward to it. Alas, she dumped me too.

 

I guess none of this really answers your question. But for this guy, when I meet a girl who I can see having kids with - and actively want to - that's how I know she's the one for me.

[Seraphim]

Well said!! I didn't want kids at one point and nothing, nothing, nothing in my life was a better decision than having my daughter. Its entirely indescribable and if you decide to have one one day you likely will think it was the best thing you've ever done. And if not, you'll still have a fulfilling and exciting life knowing that you made the right choice for you.

Enjoy it either way!

 

Yes, having my son was the most incredible experience of my life. There is no love greater in this universe than a parent for their child. The first second I saw his face after he was born the love was so big that I found it overwhelmingly completely. That love is always the same. I would do anything for him. I would die for him. He is my everything. I sacrifice willingly and happily. I loved teaching him as a baby. I llove watching him grow .I loved watching his personality develop. I loved his cuddles and smiles. I loved watching him learn about the world. I loved his innocence. I love producing a sympathetic ,empathetic and good person to send out into the world. To me there is no greater job than that. To me no job or career comes close to equalling that.

[SapphireNoir10]

I didn't want kids for a long time. When I met someone I truly loved and wanted to be with and who treated me well that changed. I accidentally fell pregnant and I wasn't ready at the time but I wouldn't change it for the world.

 

I started bonding as soon as I was pregnant, that growing life inside, hearing the heart beat, seeing it on the scan, knowing you are creating a whole new human being that is half you and half the person you love.

 

Then when you can start feeling their kicks inside and outside...it's just amazing. Holding them for the first time after you have given birth...

 

It isn't all sunshine and lollipops it took me time to adjust to a newborn once he was born, it was hard work, but it was rewarding. Watching him grow and change every day for the last 6 months is the best feeling in the world. Seeing his face every morning.

 

The appeal to me is that I love this little person, watching them grow, playing with them, teaching them, cuddles...knowing that there will be endless visits to the park and going on walks as a family. It has brought me and my partner closer than ever. It just brings a whole new dimension to your life. I was done with the party scene. So although my life changed I was ready for it in a way. I can still go out, see my friends and do what I want. I get to keep my job just not as many hours and I get a gorgeous little family.

 

I am extremely close to my parents and I strive to be as awesome as them

 

That being said. I don't judge people that don't want too. A few of my friends are brave enough to say 'Hey, call me selfish but i like my life how it is' they don't want the sleepless nights, or their lives becoming about another person. That's fine. Only people that REALLY want kids should have kids in my opinion. If people don't want kids I think it's good they are brave enough to say so and not just have them because they are pressured or feel they should.

[Fudgie]

I think everyone has their own reasons for either wanting or not wanting them. I knew at the age of 4 that having kids would be a horrible idea for me and anyone who tried to tell me I should didn't have my best interest in mind. My sibs are both autistic and my mom went through hell. You literally couldn't pay me enough to deal with that. Plus, I don't get a lot of enjoyment out of being around kids. I don't find them particularly interesting or fun.

 

I've heard that I'd change once I'd meet the right guy but I'm in a LTR and doing fun stuff and now this just reaffirms my choice not to pursue pregnancy.

[MyNinja]

I'm on the fence of whether having kids is for me or not. My sister had two back to back two years ago along with all of her friends. It seemed to be some sort of baby boom at my church two years ago. Everyone in the church was falling pregnant! My parents ask me when I'm going to have some and I can't really see myself having any ( at least anytime soon ). I've thought about it, but I can't see it in my head happening for some reason.

 

I can barely find a new job, and my own place. I live paycheck to paycheck yet they still question me when I will be settling down with children. No way at this point in time. I think they want me to follow the crowd and it seemed like all the focus fell on me after half the church popped out babies, lol.

 

have children because you want to, not because those around you are. If you don't then that's fine too and you should never feel any pressure. I want to see the world too and do all sorts of activities right now.

[itsallgrand]

Well I understand the appeal - kids are fantastic. Little people to live with, share with, support, watch them grow and experience life - amazing. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I understand the appeal even if I have chosen so far not to have them. And I might not ever be in a situation in which it seems right for me to do so.

 

I think there is a big difference between just not getting the appeal, and understanding/deciding that now or potentially for life you are not in the position where you would want to actually do it. Your feelings make perfect sense to me - now is not the time for you to be finding caring for babies appealing.

 

But when you spend time with kids? How does it make you feel? Me, I adore children. And even if I never have any 'of my own', they have been and always will be an important part of my life. That nurturing and sharing with children. Do you feel a connection to kids? Curious.

 

My best friend swore up and down she would never have children, however, all the time I've known her she has been so wonderful with children and it seemed natural to me that if she ever chose to, she would be a fantastic mother and would enjoy it a lot. Kinda feel the same way about myself, honestly. She is a mom now and in her words " hell did freeze over". lol.

 

My point is, it's always been my thinking that is more important what a person actually will bring to parenthood than how much they simply want want want it. Wanting it is good, but it's not enough reason to bring kids into the world, to me. Lots of people see the appeal, but not the other end of it - take the time for reservations! lol - and I think if you do become a mother ever, it'll serve you well that you questioned "what is so appealing about that anyways?".

 

I think when it comes down to it, the appeal part is mostly emotional. Whenever that appeal has kicked in for me, it has been an appeal to my emotions. About rich and meaningful, in a new way, connections to other people.

[journeynow]

It's perfectly ok to not want children, and turnthepage, I like your positive attitude to the entire issue. Like others, I did not want kids at first, but as my love grew for my husband, and his for me, it felt like our love was big enough and full of possibility that we began to open to the possibility someday. Then when our birth control failed and I got pregnant, we were over the top excited in a totally unexpected way. Still, nothing prepared me for the indescribable experience of having a child, of holding that amazing being, of the compelling mama-bear urge to protect them from harm, watching them grow into intriguing and wonderful adults, of feeling like you could burst open with love for them... of feeling like the world has opened up into a whole new dimension that no one could have explained before hand. Until I had kids, other people's passion for their own children seems mundane or even indulgent, or perhaps sweet. But now, I understand. Of course, having children has it's ups and downs, but it's been entirely worth it for me.

[journeynow]

My point is, it's always been my thinking that is more important what a person actually will bring to parenthood than how much they simply want want want it. Wanting it is good, but it's not enough reason to bring kids into the world, to me. Lots of people see the appeal, but not the other end of it - take the time for reservations! lol - and I think if you do become a mother ever, it'll serve you well that you questioned "what is so appealing about that anyways?".

 

Agreed. Because it's not really about the appeal of babies, it's about raising a whole person into the world.

[Seraphim]

Agreed. Because it's not really about the appeal of babies, it's about raising a whole person into the world.

 

I agree they're not babies forever. Very quickly they become children then teenagers and then adults. It is about raising a human being. If you look at them as a human being and not specifically a baby and you might see a different. To me every human being is unique and special whether they are a baby,a child an adult, an old person it doesn't matter to me they are all the same in value.

[HeatherB]

My (completely controversial) opinion is that as long as there are unwanted foster children out there, it's not right for me to create my own baby. When I'm ready to be a mother, I'll adopt or have foster children. I like my genes just fine, but it's my ideas and heart an love that I'd rather pass on. And to me, being a mother is about giving and being a parent, not getting anything.

[greywolf]

I am 95% sure I do not want babies. However I am still relatively young at 26 and yet to start my career - I am an undergraduate.

 

The 95% centres on the fact it seems life would stop and would centre on my child when there is so much to do and see in the world myself. This isn't appealing and in turn I don't think it is selfish, I want an amazing career and I am horribly ambitious. I want to contribute to the world intellectually and in many other ways, just not maternally.

 

I definitely understand that. Having children is a huge sacrifice. And I wish that women had the option to have children later on in life. =/ But for me, the appeal of having children is to be able to have a family with someone I love.

[Fudgie]

Taking the child part out of it, the idea of raising another human is not appealing either. I don't have any real desire to try (notice the word try) to transfer my genes, beliefs, etc into someone else. I accept that my life is rather unremarkable, so I don't want to sacrifice so much to produce another being that, like billions, will have an unremarkable life and go through the same motions.

 

I understand the appeal of wanting to leave a legacy behind. Children are the genetic legacy. But to me, it's of little consequence because many people have legacies to not he forgotten, but everyone is forgotten eventually. My grandmother was dying and told me she was afraid that she would be forgotten. I told her that I wouldn't forget her. But in my head, I knew that she feared most would eventually happen. I wonder if she knew that deep down.

[tiredofvampires]

How do you know, though, that your child would not be remarkable? There are many people throughout history that have not been forgotten, and have made phenomenal contributions to society/civilization. From philosophers to scientists to artists to leaders and statesmen -- all these were someone's children. And some of them came from the most humble of backgrounds, too.

 

I'm not saying one should raise their child to be famous or have a megalomaniac agenda -- but there's no telling what and whom your child would become, what kind of life they would live. Even a modest place in society that helps other people would be a contribution.

 

Humans aren't going away any time soon...so having a few good ones around, because you've raised them right, to me is a valuable endeavor.

[Blue Spiral]

I've never seen the appeal, either. When I've been pressed into babysitting duty, I've been able to tolerate them for short periods of time, and maybe even enjoy the whole thing for a while...but it wears off quickly. I'm a solitary person, and I enjoy peace and quiet, as well as independence. Even if I wanted kids, I wouldn't feel comfortable inflicting life (which hasn't been the best experience for me) on more people. And then there's the fact that I can't afford it. Some people have tried to make me feel guilty about it, but it's not like there's a baby shortage out there.