The appeal of having babies?

[tiredofvampires]

I don't have any doubt that you would do whatever parenting required of you, tvnerdgirl.

 

The problem is not THAT you would do it, it's HOW. The problem as I see it is that you would not be going into it with your heart and soul deeply invested in this as something you desired to do/have for the child and yourself, first and foremost. It's something you'd do out of love for your husband. If you think that won't affect your energy levels, your mood, your outlook, and also the relationships involved, I think that's somewhat naive. And if the unforeseen happened, as another poster pointed out, and your husband was gone, how would you handle that situation without your child becoming a burden to you?

 

This may change when you do become a mom, and you start to feel more inspired as a mother. That would be good. But then you're banking on your changing how you feel.

 

My own sister WANTED children, but was no where near as desirous as I was (and I have no kids). She was not the extremely maternal type, and even she admitted that. Like you, she wanted to be out and about, she didn't like staying home, needs a lot of peer stimulation, and her career was just getting better -- then she got pregnant. She and her husband weren't trying, but they were also, like you, going without protection and letting the chips fall. So it was expected it was going to happen (I do believe my brother-in-law was BUILT for childrearing and being a daddy, moreso than she was, a mother.) (And expecting it to happen as she was, when the reality hit in a positive pregnancy test, her first reaction to that was panic, seeing her life about to end as she knew it -- not the joy and jumping up and down of diehard mommies-to-be.)

 

When the baby was born, he went overseas on sabbatical, and she was to follow. That was not expected. At that point, I came to visit her to help her with the baby, since he wasn't there. Those were some of the worst, most intense months I've ever spent with her. The baby had colic, needed constant attention and soothing, we were trapped in the house because he couldn't be out in public much with all the crying and screaming. I could go into all the other atypical stuff that happened, but don't want to bog this down with scare stories that won't happen for you. The upshot is that he's 5 years old now, and she says he's the most precious person in her life, but the anxiety and depression, and the being in the house for many hours during winter months repeating the same trucks and trains games over and over, has left her a different person. She had to deal with post-partum depression, anxiety and is now weathered from it. And she still says as much as she loves him and can't imagine life without him, she's still not a mom's mom. Essentially, she has not changed in her basic instincts, even though she loves him fiercely. This has been very, very tough on them, and their marriage, too. And this is even though she knew at some point she wanted to do the family thing for herself, even though it wasn't a "fever." It wasn't for her husband's sake.

 

I know it sounds like a lot of people trying to scare you, but the pitfalls of what can and does happen should be recognized and prepared for.