The appeal of having babies?

[Fudgie]

Statistically, it just isn't that likely since the vast majority of people are unremarkable. Myself included. Doesn't mean that our lives are worthless or anything. I do have value! I just know that I am unremarkable and will not be remembered but that's okay because that's not a goal or mine.

 

I understand it may be a worthwhile endeavor for many, if not most. In fact, wanting to bring better people on earth is the BEST reason to have a child imo.

 

I just don't see it as having any value for me personally. Too much work for a lot of risk and relatively little.

 

By all means, if you want to have children to benefit the world: do it! I can't think of a better reason! As for I, I'd rather focus on contributing in my own way and having a life that is enjoyable to me and comfortable at home.

[superfan]

i dont think it sounds selfish. some people just arent given that desire to have kids and you know what: that is totally okay!!! your life practically comes to a screaching hault when you pop out a couple little ones...so much sacrifice goes into raising kids.

 

honestly its not fair to the kids unless your heart is 100 percent in it.

 

my advice: wait until you are POSITIVE you want kids before bringing them into this world!

 

I don't agree with this at all. There are many many people out there who go into pregnancy and parenthood feeling ambivalent towards it, either because they are doing it for a partner, or because they got pregnant accidentally. These people, who may not have wanted kids 100% can be some of the best parents when faced with the responsibility.

 

I am ambivalent about having kids. I would say 85% sure I don't want them. However, my husband wants a family and has been upfront about that from the beginning. I have agreed after we have been married for 5 years to go off birth control and let nature take it's course. I am willing to have kids because it means so much to him. I am sure that when I do have them, I will bond and I will do what I can to be a good mother to them.

 

I don't think that my ambivalence means that I am some kind of horrible person, nor do I think you HAVE to go into it with the determination to be supermom and tons of enthusiasm. Every time I state my position I get people treating me like I am some horrible human being.

 

There is NOTHING wrong with being unsure or ambivalent or in doing it for someone else, as long as your intention to be a good parent is followed through on once you have them.

[itsallgrand]

I've never seen the appeal, either. When I've been pressed into babysitting duty, I've been able to tolerate them for short periods of time, and maybe even enjoy the whole thing for a while...but it wears off quickly. I'm a solitary person, and I enjoy peace and quiet, as well as independence. Even if I wanted kids, I wouldn't feel comfortable inflicting life (which hasn't been the best experience for me) on more people. And then there's the fact that I can't afford it. Some people have tried to make me feel guilty about it, but it's not like there's a baby shortage out there.

 

Yeah, and this sometimes is controversial but I've never ever understood the concept that it is somehow 'selfish' not to have kids. If anything, it's the reverse - I feel like it can often be quite selfish to bring more kids into the world, especially considering current circumstances!

[Fudgie]

I actually disagree. While I don't think it's necessarily evil or bad to do this I do think it's very risky and not wise to have children with someone when YOU YOURSELF are mostly sure that you don't actually want them. This is how resentment begins. This is how marriages ultimately end or become unhappy. And it sucks for the kids.

 

It's one thing if you're ambivalent and then get knocked up and then you're like "Well, I might as well go along and birth this kid and parent it..." but I think it's a whole other enchilada to go into it NOT wanting kids but doing it because your partner does. You're making an active choice to bring a child into the world when it's not completely desired by both parents. That's really sucky for a kid. I've heard of this backfiring way too much. Usually, it's the guy who decides to go along with it despite not really wanting them. He ends up unhappy or leaving. That's the truth.

 

I stand by the idea that children should NEVER be a compromise. Ever. There are so many other things to compromise on and children are not one them. Every child deserves to be born or adopted into a situation where both parents want the child 100%, not one wanting one 100% and the other not really wanting it.

 

And it goes for people wanting kids too...if someone wants kids and their partner really doesn't, then it's time to split up. You'll end up hating yourself if you give up your dream of parenthood to be with someone. It's not a good tradeoff in ANY case!

 

I'm so glad my boyfriend and I are 100% on the same page as babies. I would never be with someone who conflicted with me on that. I ended a relationship over it and I would do it in a heartbeat again if I had to. It would not be fair to the child if I were to go along with it and my heart weren't in it. Too many people having babies because of spousal/societal pressure and not because they themselves TRULY DEEPLY want to be a parent.

[pl3asehelp]

I totally agree. It is such unbelievably hard work and sacrifice that if you're not motivated for your own personal reasons you will not be able to do it adequately and the kids suffer. Your partner could be hit by a truck or dump you and then it gets even harder taking care of the kids. You have to want it yourself to be up to that task.

[Fudgie]

I totally agree. It is such unbelievably hard work and sacrifice that if you're not motivated for your own personal reasons you will not be able to do it adequately and the kids suffer. Your partner could be hit by a truck or dump you and then it gets even harder taking care of the kids. You have to want it yourself to be up to that task.

 

Yes, I have no idea personally but I really know it's a ton of hard work and sacrifice and I couldn't imagine doing that for someone else when I didn't actually want it for myself...I mean, kids last a LIFETIME (and beyond, ha). We all do things for people we love but I do think this is beyond that and that's why it can breed resentment.

 

It sort of makes me think about addicts to drugs, alcohol, gambling, whatever. Or even people who seriously struggle with eating healthy and need to lose a ton of weight. You need to be PERSONALLY motivated. The ones who go into rehab saying "I'm gonna get sober for my family/son/daughter/etc" when they themselves don't actually WANT to be sober will always, always fail and relapse. The ones who persevere with the hard work (and it's a lifelong thing, to stay sober) are those who actually wanted to be sober FOR THEMSELVES. They did for themselves because they wanted to be happier and reach their full potential, not just because other people in their life wanted them to do it.

 

As for the weight example, those who go into losing a SERIOUS amount of weight (like 80-100 lb, like what I need to lose) JUST for looks ("Oh, I want to wear a bikini, I want to attract a mate") are never going to be able to lose it and keep it off for GOOD. It's just not a good enough reason to put yourself and your body and psyche through hell and back, especially in the beginning. Those that are able to keep off the weight long term and lose enough to be healthy are those who are doing it because they are terrified of health consequences and understand it's a matter of life and death, not just about fitting into a swimsuit and looking good.

[tiredofvampires]

Agreed 1000%.

 

It's hard and challenging enough under the BEST of circumstances to be a parent, when you fully wanted your children, to be prepared for the times your child will test every bit of your resolve, for having made that decision. But when you're starting off on an ambivalent leg? Very bad news. Those times your kids may test you -- and they may be very serious tests, lasting for long periods of time -- will require every ounce of commitment and passion you've had to start the parenting process. If you don't have that to start, you're going to have a lot of trouble down the road.

 

Having children for the sake of a spouse is a recipe for so much resentment and division, and ultimately, it WILL affect your children. I agree with Fudgie that it's different to find yourself with an unplanned pregnancy than to already know with 85% certainty that you don't want them and so it's a premeditated plan against your strongest desires.

 

I think it's extremely unfair and a disservice to a child for it to be only 15% wanted, if that, by one parent.

 

I can't even imagine being a child, knowing Mommy had me for the sake of Daddy. Which of course you'd never share. But it would be true, nonetheless. And that would express itself in untold ways, regardless of how much you've intellectually figured it.

 

Not saying you're a horrible person -- but you really need to rethink this.

[Batya33]

I appreciate your candor OP and your courage in being so honest about whether you want children. I always wanted to be a mother and I always hope that someone who doesn't want that 100% doesn't do it. I've been having a rather stressful time parenting lately and I know that if I hadn't wanted this with every cell of my being -really!- and if my husband hadn't felt the same way - I probably would feel a bit suffocated now. Or more than a bit. But since I have that strong desire, enthusiasm and unbridled gratefulness that I got to be a mother (at age 42 - felt like I won the lottery) it balances it out and I can continue to get joy out of it and give my little boy that love and joy as well. It's hard to explain "why" so I defer to Victoria's words, for example and others who said it's not just about babies but everything after that -raising a human being.

[superfan]

Yeah that is pretty much the reaction I expected. This unwritten rule that seems to be out there that if I am not 100% YAY babies, then I am going to be a horrible parent and the child will be horribly scarred, my marriage will end, etc. etc.

 

My husband wants a family - has always wanted one. I am willing to give him one because it is what he wants. I don't really see it as a 'compromise' in that sense. I won't resent him afterwards, because I don't resent him now. We agreed we would be married for 5 years and then I would go off birth control and we let what happens, happen. I wanted that 5 years of it just being the two of us before I decided to be a parent. He has agreed that he will be hte one taking the bulk of time off work, rather than me which is what I assume would be hte most trying for me - I am not good with being stuck at home for long periods of time and I would prefer to work.

 

I see it more as a situation where if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have children. Because I am with him and he wants kids then I am willing to do it. People are always going to make judgements about the 'right' way to parent. I think it takes all kinds. The moment I get pregnant (if I get pregnant) I will be 100% committed and I am sure when the child arrives that I will have that love for the child and bond with it. Just because I dont' have that maternal desire beforehand, doesn't mean it won't happen afterwards. Plenty of women (and men) have that happen to them. And plenty of women who are 100% sure they want kids also have them and then find themselves resenting the child or suffering from post partum depression.

 

I am not about to deny my husband the family he wants just because I am ambivalent - and by that I mean I wouldn't be heartbroken if it never happened. Just because it isn't top of my list, does not mean my marriage is doomed or that I will be a horrible parent.

 

I have thought about it. I don't need to 'rethink it'.

 

I was simply giving the OP another perspective - that just because a person isn't 100% babies YAY does not mean they can't grow into the role or that they will be an awful parent who will wreck the kid's life. I see this not as a sacrifice, but a gift I am giving to my husband...and gifts can sometimes reward the giver too.

[tiredofvampires]

I guess it's the way you worded it. You said you're 85% sure "you don't want them."

 

Your post above makes it sound more like you could swing either way. I am just not a fan of having kids when you don't want them, however you figure you'll treat them. Not wanting = not wanted.

 

I have a very close friend who has one son, and she is the most committed mother I know. She's a great mother. She loves her son, and is nothing but dedicated to her role as a mom. But she's told me that honestly, if she could go back and not have him, she'd do that (he's got a number of high-maintenance issues compounding this -- health, school performance, ADHD, stuff, like that). She envies me for being single and not being tied to a child. I don't know how she felt before she had him completely, but I don't think she was planning on having kids particularly. This sort of just happened, with her partner, now husband.

 

So clearly, someone can be a good mother with this mixture of feelings. But I think it's sad. I would not want that for a child of mine.

 

That's just one example in my life I can think of where that ambivalence doesn't outwardly interfere with parenting (so far as I can tell), but nonetheless, I think that's the best case scenario, and I just still think it's sad. I feel sorry for her son, that this is his mother's deep secret. And secondarily, I feel sorry for her that it's not the joy it is for other mothers -- that it's more duty.

 

Not saying you'd feel like she does, but it's similar.

 

I wasn't saying you'd resent your husband. I think you could resent your children, especially if they turn out to be difficult to manage, consuming a lot of your energy and draining you.

 

Also, no one has used the word "horrible", so continuing to use extreme terminology I think misses the point. The point is, it's not preferable. For sure, it's good for the OP to have all these perspectives about ambivalence -- and potential problems with that.

 

I don't think anyone knows how they will feel until it happens. Maybe or maybe not this will be experienced. I'm just saying the risk is there. So I wish you luck.

 

OP, most women I know who feel like you are happy they bypassed their baby-making years without having children. Women can and do change their feelings about this, especially going from the 20's into the 30's. But most women, I've noticed, if they are not feeling visceral urges in their 20's at all, don't turn into "can't be happy without kids" women.

 

I do believe you can have a thriving life in addition to being a mother, especially as kids get older and of school age. So thinking your life is over once you have kids would be wrong. Changed dramatically and forever, yes, but I know tons of mothers who are very ambitious in their careers, and it's a tricky juggling act, but it's done and done again.

[Fudgie]

Just wanted to add to TOVs point... I think you misunderstood the meaning of compromise. Doing something because your partner wants it but you don't is compromise. It's not bad, it's good, just not in this case.

 

I cringed when I read your words "I'm giving a gift to my husband." gosh, again, I've seen that backfire so much. Babies are not gifts. I find it interesting how he agreed to stay home more. Is that because he wants the child more than you? So after you give this "gift", he'll put in more more of the grunt work?

 

I have to ask, did you guys talk about this prior to marriage? Or was this issue rug swept and he assumed that you'd change your mind or go along with his desires? Just curious. I'm sorry, I can't fathom why people marry when they aren't on the same page with this one issue.

 

I'm sorry if you're offended and I'm coming accross as harsh. I just don't think compromising and making a baby for a partner who wants it and you don't really is not romantic or loving. I think of a past ex I had. He changed his mind and wanted kids. I decided to leave. Now he's married to someone who actually wants kids. Now there are other reasons which made him not right for me but I'm glad he is with someone who shares those goals wholly. It wouldn't have been fair to go into it hoping I'd change and fall in love with baby. Not fair to him, me, or a baby.

 

I do hope with time you'll think about this. I've just heard of this failing a lot and it makes my hear hurt for the child.

 

And TOV is right on the other bit, OP. See what happens in your 30s but if you haven't caught the fever by then, it's likely you won't.

[petite]

I've always wanted to be a mother, to bring a human into this world, give my attention, share the special bond with my partner and to feel love like no other. I don't think having children is selfish by any means considering how much work it can be to raise a child into a good adult and you always worry about them, regardless how old they might be.

 

I've been fortunate enough to experience other pleasures such as schooling and a good career and I am relatively young, but my husband and I have wanted a baby (child, family) for a long time and the only thing we waited for was to get married and start.

I absolutely love children and have been around them since I can remember, and I come from a big very close-knit family and as much as I've enjoyed seeing other people have a family and have children my desire for my own child always grew more and more as time went on. In my opinion nothing and no one can be as close to a person as their own child, it's such a special bond and I take the responsibility of parenthood very seriously. Don't get me wrong I enjoy having fun, going out and going on trips with my husband and with my friends so I'm well aware that once I have my baby our lives will shift, and life as we know it will change, but it's something we both really want.

 

I want to experience motherhood, and have the opportunity to do my best as raising a good person, with whom I will not only share that special bond but one that I can offer a lot of love, affection and a good life. I've always known I wanted a family of my own and whenever I thought about a future I knew what would make me happy and that's finishing school and being in the career of my choice. Thankfully I've already done that, I've experienced the pleasure of not only liking but loving my job, but nothing ever came close to my desire for a child of my own. I knew pretty early on in my adult years that I'd be unhappy if I never had a child of my own, I'd feel life wasn't complete. I adore my husband, my parents, siblings, but I know the love I will have for my child will be completely different. I know some people might think that's selfish and it's all about what "I" want, but I'm well aware of my capabilities and that I can and will bring a lot of happiness to a child's life. I wont always be the perfect or best mom, and I wont always make the best choices, we as humans are built to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them, I can't say that I'll be a super-mom, I don't think the perfect mother exists, but I am certain that I will do the very best I can and give my child the best I can to have a really good quality of life.

 

When I found out I was pregnant I can't even begin to explain how happy I was. Finally everything started falling into place. I had everything I ever wanted, and the missing puzzle was a child. The feeling of knowing you have another human growing inside you, and knowing they were crated with the one person I chose to spend my life with, it's such an unbelievable feeling and the surge of emotions, it's too difficult to explain. I never understood what it means when women said "no love comes close to it" and even thought I'm just a week and a bit into my second trimester, the love I have for this little being growing inside me is greater than any I've felt, ever. The feeling of knowing I will eventually meet the little human that's growing inside me, is the most special one can ever feel.

 

Don't get me wrong I get a lot of pleasure from other things, I just always knew that above everything else I wanted to have a family, a house filled with laughter, and children that are adored and desperately wanted.

I plan on going back to work, and it will be hard, but I want the best of both worlds, the career and the family, and plenty of people have that and make it work.

 

 

In my opinion I think if you're unsure about children or doing it for someone else then it's best to not bring them into this world. It's a lifetime of work and unless you actually want that and you're ready for it emotionally, it's going to be a lot harder. Children can put a lot of strain on a marriage, and resentment builds really fast.

 

People change their minds and no one is 100% prepared for a child regardless how much they discuss it with their partner. I can talk to my husband until we're blue in the face and plan everything down to the smallest of details, but until this baby arrives, we wont really know how to handle it all and how everything will work out. Maybe I'll be the one taking care of the child more, maybe it will be him, I think it's impossible to plan everything ahead and stick to it without it ever changing.

Sometimes it's the mother that does more of the grunt work and other times it's the father and at times they need outside help. The last thing I'd want is to have a child just for my partner, it's not a toy to be gifted.

[superfan]

One of my concerns was that I don't like being stuck in the house for long periods of time. I get very anxious when that happens, so WE felt it would be better for both of us if he stayed home to take care of the child and I went to work. I grew up in a household where that was the case, so I don't see anything wrong with it. He can get paternity leave just as easily.

 

And yes we talked about it. He was upfront with it right away when we first got together. I was also upfront about my feelings. We are not about to get divorced, especially when it was never an argument. He said "I want a family". I said "OK". It definitely wasn't something that was swept under the rug, or something he hoped I would change my mind on. I have never lied about where I am on this.

 

My mother wanted children. Wanted them with all her heart. After we were born, she resented us. It can go both ways. I have seen more women than I can count who go into it with all their enthusiasm and end up on meds, counseling and resenting their kids. My husband is a good man. I know he will make a wonderful father and that I will do my best to be a good mother.

 

I was 100% sure I never ever wanted to be married and then I met my husband. My feelings changed 100%, and I know that if a child is part of him, they may do so again. I don't think anybody needs to catch baby fever beforehand in order to be a loving parent.

[Batya33]

So, then would you also have back up child care in case your husband isn't feeling well enough or doesn't want to be in the house for long periods of time with a sick child, or has to leave town for a family emergency, etc? I do like your thinking and thinking outside the box but my experience with parenting is that if your care arrangements are too rigid it won't work well because babies and young children are so unpredictable (so are older children but then you have hours in school typically which helps as far as childcare arrangements). I was struck by the "very anxious" which of course wouldn't be great for a child who would be in the house with you for long periods of time. (And sure you can get outside with a baby/child with certain restrictions or certain imposed restrictions like "he only naps at home in his crib").

[pl3asehelp]

They're also very expensive. If one partner if going to stay home full time the other needs to make quite a lot of money. I get paid pretty well and my wife stays home full time, but that leaves us almost living almost paycheck to paycheck. And if someone isn't going to be staying home full time you still need to have a lot of money because full time child care is ridiculously expensive.

 

Where I live paternity leave is just a couple weeks when the baby is born and only partially paid. Not any kind of a child care solution.

[superfan]

Well if he is sick or whatever, then I would stay home from work obviously. I'm able to be in the house, it's not a mental anxiety, I just don't like it for extended periods.

[superfan]

They're also very expensive. If one partner if going to stay home full time the other needs to make quite a lot of money. I get paid pretty well and my wife stays home full time, but that leaves us almost living almost paycheck to paycheck. And if someone isn't going to be staying home full time you still need to have a lot of money because full time child care is ridiculously expensive.

 

Where I live paternity leave is just a couple weeks when the baby is born and only partially paid. Not any kind of a child care solution.

 

He isn't going to stay home forever just until the patnernity leave runs out....then we would be putting the child in daycare.

Maternity/paternity/pregnancy leave where I live can be up to 50 weeks fully paid. We also have subisdized daycare options depending on your income level, so that really isn't a concern in that sense.

[petite]

He isn't going to stay home forever just until the patnernity leave runs out....then we would be putting the child in daycare.

Maternity/paternity/pregnancy leave where I live can be up to 50 weeks fully paid. We also have subisdized daycare options depending on your income level, so that really isn't a concern in that sense.

 

I'm sure you know but life doesn't usually always go to plan, like we hope. What if you were to have a disabled child that requires care for the rest of its life? A child that requires the care f two maybe even three adults? Even people that want children desperately but are faced with these issues struggle. Your husband won't always be able to do the majority of grunt work. If you want to be fair to the child, you need to be prepared to accept that life as you're living now wont ever be the same. Just because he says he will take care of the child majority of the time, he is only one person and it's really difficult depending how demanding of a child you end up having.

Also men can suffer postpartum depression, which means you will have to do more of the grunt work, and for some things a child just needs their mother. A child can also notice if it isn't really loved by its parent and that can build a lot of resentment. It can also cause a lot of problems between you and your husband because he might be hoping that once you have a child your attitude will change.

[Batya33]

Yes -this is sort of what my point was in asking the follow up questions. I think you do have to be prepared for the real risk that you will have to stay home for long periods of time because of child care issues. And, that after the baby is born your husband might not be as comfortable with daycare, for example.

[superfan]

No, it doesn't and I will absolutely stay home if for whatever reason that has to happen. I am not unwilling, nor is the fact that he would take the time off instead of me a rigid plan that could not be changed. I lived with my nephew from his infancy all teh way up to teh age of 4 (My brother and his wife lived with my parents when I was in school) so I definitely know how much work goes into caring for a child.

 

I find it interesting that people are so quick to point out all the ways that it could go wrong when I make the comment that my husband is the one who wanted to take paternity leave instead of me. What if I took the leave, but had a chidl that needed extra care? No matter how much money you have in the first 6 months or so there is always going to be at least one parent who does the bulk of the work and stays home....I find it interesting that by default it is assumed that woudl be me. My husband WANTS to stay home. I want to work.

 

And my attitude MAY change when we have one. In fact, I am assuming it will. It's why I don't see this as a sacrifice and it was never a problem in our relationship. It has not caused one single argument. I never said I was not prepared to accept the responsibility....I said that right off the hop - I am willing to have a child and take full responsibility and be the best parent I can.

[superfan]

Yes -this is sort of what my point was in asking the follow up questions. I think you do have to be prepared for the real risk that you will have to stay home for long periods of time because of child care issues. And, that after the baby is born your husband might not be as comfortable with daycare, for example.

 

Again, he WANTS to stay home. I want to work. Something might happen to throw a wrench in that plan and I am prepared for that. I don't think that just beacuse I am female, it is automatically my job to take the time off and stay home. If he can get the time from his work and wants to do it, then I think that is jsut as valid. He is great with kids - he lived with his niece when his sister got pregnant and practically helped to raise her. If I have to stay home, I have to stay home, but again it is not something I am unwilling to do, just not something I would prefer to do.

[petite]

I didn't mention money or the fact that it would be your husband taking care of the child. I would say the same thing I said above regardless which parent might take care of the child, I think both men and women are rather capable (if willing) to care for a child. I'm not assuming anything particularly since you mentioned it would be your husband that would be at home for a certain period of time. They, that's cool with me, I've got no problems with men taking care of their children, props. What I think could be an issue is that you're looking at a child as a gift to your husband especially since you only want a child 15%, you're mostly doing it for him, not both, not half, but your will to have a child would be because your husband wants it more than you do.

 

It seems like it's almost not a big deal to you that you'd be willing to have a child for a man and not because you actually want a child yourself.

 

That's the thing, it's your nephew. I have 7 nieces and nephews, I've lived in the same house when two of my nephews were born, I've babysat, I've taken them on weekend trips looked after my nieces while my sister and her husband traveled, I realize it's hard work (I'm sure most people know that anyway) but there is absolutely no way anyone can know the responsibility of a parent until they are a parent themselves. An aunt can go to sleep, go to work and wouldn't need to think about every little detail a mother or father do. A parent's worry is much different than the worry of an aunt. An aunt can love, but the love of a parent is completely different. I've had kids around me all my life, but I'm only pregnant now and until I give birth I don't believe I'll actually grasp the responsibility 100% until my child is born. No one knows the depth of responsibility a parent has, but a parent themselves.

It's so much easier to talk and plan but once you're emotionally experiencing things, it's so much more complicated. I love my nephew and nieces dearly, I'd do anything for them but the responsibility their parents have is nowhere near the responsibility I have towards them.

 

All I'm saying is, before you decide to have a child for your husband and 'gift' a child to him, think about whatever YOU actually want a child yourself, separate from your husband.

[pl3asehelp]

I wouldn't say one parent did the bulk of the work for the first six months with either of my kids. My wife would do the work while I was at my day job and then I'd take over until I left for work again, meaning I got little to no sleep and then had to go to the office. Too much work for one person to do the bulk of it. Barely doable when you split it evenly.

[Seraphim]

Yes ,it is very difficult for anyone to know exactly how it will work out until they have a child of their own. Our siblings children we are not totally responsible for.

 

And yes ,life changes very much and we never know what it is going to throw at us. My own personal story is ... When I had our son we had six months paid maternity. Of course it is not your full wages it is 65% of your wages. I did not get the full six months because I was off on sick leave for almost 3 months before he was born. I did almost all the grunt work when he was a baby. We also found out our child was a special needs child. When he was small he would only respond best to myself or my mother. That left me with most of the grunt work yet again. I went to all the school functions. I put himto bed I did his homework with him. I went to all the specialist and doctors appointments. I did all the advocacy work with the school. Plus I worked full-time. I also did 90% of housework. When our son was about eight years old my husband decided to advance his career and to do so he had to leave home. We saw him every second weekend for the next five years. During that time I was mom and dad to our son. That was something that was never planned before our son was born.

[Batya33]

Again, he WANTS to stay home. I want to work. Something might happen to throw a wrench in that plan and I am prepared for that. I don't think that just beacuse I am female, it is automatically my job to take the time off and stay home. If he can get the time from his work and wants to do it, then I think that is jsut as valid. He is great with kids - he lived with his niece when his sister got pregnant and practically helped to raise her. If I have to stay home, I have to stay home, but again it is not something I am unwilling to do, just not something I would prefer to do.

 

 

I would have said the exact same thing if the roles were reversed -your situation is different because you emphasized how anxious you get staying home for long periods of time. My husband wants to work outside the home and for now I want to stay home but he wouldn't have the issue you do or a similarly severe issue if he had to switch roles with me for a period of time because of a family emergency, etc.