Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

[abitbroken]

After our 2nd date back then, I texted BRENDA about meeting up later that week:

 

HER:

I can't do this Saturday :( let's try next week. This week is also very tight for me.

 

ME:

Definitely next week then. In the meantime, tell me something small about yourself each day until then. I will do the same if you like. You can start anytime.

 

HER:

Not in a great mood. Doing something I don't like to do at the moment... so I'd rather keep it to myself than to vent.

 

ME:

Sorry to hear that :(

 

Looking back, I may have been asking too much about the "text every day" thing, but that's exactly what SHAY was doing so I wanted to see how BRENDA would react. And her response was less than inspiring, though not exactly a blow-off. So at the time I bowed out to focus on SHAY.

 

ok so the question was on the second date.

What i meant that she didn't exactly follow up - as far as turn the tables on you and ask YOU out after it was in her court......did she notice several weeks passed? who knows. so she so far is someone who would require you to do the date asking. Maybe it will turn a corner at some point.....but it just seems that way at the moment.

[NorthDallas40]

ok so the question was on the second date.

What i meant that she didn't exactly follow up - as far as turn the tables on you and ask YOU out after it was in her court......did she notice several weeks passed? who knows. so she so far is someone who would require you to do the date asking. Maybe it will turn a corner at some point.....but it just seems that way at the moment.

 

Pretty much. After I sent that last text to BRENDA on 7/23, I never heard from her. Once SHAY said goodbye, I then sent my Hail Mary "wanna do something this weekend" text to BRENDA on 9/5 and she only said "hope you have been great!" On 9/6 I asked how she was doing but she didn't reply until 9/23, apologizing for her late reply because she'd been traveling, but suggesting we could meet later that week, which we did this past Sunday.

[NorthDallas40]

My last text/email to BRENDA was Monday night, it's now Wednesday afternoon and no word.

 

If I don't hear from her by tomorrow morning, I'll text "Good morning! How are tonight and tomorrow night looking?" My guess I'll get an "Sorry for the dalay, been busy, can't make it", I'll ask if she can meet later in the weekend or next week, she'll reply that she needs to look at her schedule and the cycle will repeat.

[NorthDallas40]

BRENDA replied:

 

"Hey ND40 I don't think I can make it for dinner tomorrow. I usually try not to make plans during writing... plus I will try to make it for Friday... it will be a little overdo for me..."

 

It seems a little disingenous that she can't meet for dinner when as far as I know she doesn't have a job, she just writes. But as long as she shows up for the show tomorrow night I suppose I can't complain. I won't be surprised if she bails, though.

[Realitynut]

oooooh boy! Don't let her hear you say that! I think her 'writing'....IS HER JOB!!!!

[abitbroken]

oooooh boy! Don't let her hear you say that! I think her 'writing'....IS HER JOB!!!!

 

Exactly. I was a freelance editor for a number of years. I worked from home. I paid cash for my car. Parents: "Are you working?"

[potd2009]

I also don't think ND realizes how intense/alienating it can be to have a guy pushing you to engage in daily contact before you've figured out that's what you want. It can be really frustrating to have a guy pushing for that in the first few weeks of a dating situation (and you pushing him away as a result) - when if he had just given you a few weeks' of space to figure out whether you were interested, and to up contact gradually, you'd have ended up in the same place.

[NorthDallas40]

oooooh boy! Don't let her hear you say that! I think her 'writing'....IS HER JOB!!!!

 

Fair enough. I've freelanced full-time before and it can really eat away into your free time. I guess I was more referring to the home-based, non-9-to-5 nature of her work and the benefit of making your own hours when not answering to a boss. You have more leeway to move your free time where you want to, and going on a date should be a relaxing & fun diversion.

 

But whatever, I haven't pressed her for anything, merely asked her out to dinner an extra night. Which she turned down and I responded:

 

"Then I will look forward to seeing your lovely face on Friday (smiling halo emoji) Good luck with the writing!"

 

To which she replied 20m later:

 

"Thank you ND40 :-)"

 

------------------

 

Also got a message from a woman on Bumble whose number I got, but who I never felt compelled to call. Last message was about 2 weeks ago and she just sent "Why guys text few words and then disappear"

 

Sometimes because of atrocious grammar.

[NorthDallas40]

I also don't think ND realizes how intense/alienating it can be to have a guy pushing you to engage in daily contact before you've figured out that's what you want. It can be really frustrating to have a guy pushing for that in the first few weeks of a dating situation (and you pushing him away as a result) - when if he had just given you a few weeks' of space to figure out whether you were interested, and to up contact gradually, you'd have ended up in the same place.

 

Well, in this case, that happened, if not by my intention. BRENDA and I went on two dates, she agreed to a 3rd but would have to delay a week. I suggested she send me a text a day telling me something about herself. She begged off, I went NC and dated SHAY for a month, post-breakup sent BRENDA a text, and she waited 2 weeks before replying "yes" to my date offer. I may have *tried* to crowd her, but when getting signals it wasn't being received well, I backed off more than sufficiently IMO.

[Batya33]

Fair enough. I've freelanced full-time before and it can really eat away into your free time. I guess I was more referring to the home-based, non-9-to-5 nature of her work and the benefit of making your own hours when not answering to a boss. You have more leeway to move your free time where you want to, and going on a date should be a relaxing & fun diversion.

 

But whatever, I haven't pressed her for anything, merely asked her out to dinner an extra night. Which she turned down and I responded:

 

"Then I will look forward to seeing your lovely face on Friday (smiling halo emoji) Good luck with the writing!"

 

To which she replied 20m later:

 

"Thank you ND40 :-)"

 

------------------

 

Also got a message from a woman on Bumble whose number I got, but who I never felt compelled to call. Last message was about 2 weeks ago and she just sent "Why guys text few words and then disappear"

 

Sometimes because of atrocious grammar.

 

To some extent but not really. Especially if it is writing or any creative pursuit. Many have particular times of day where they are most productive so in a way you are your own boss - if you know evenings after dinner are when you get the most done/work best then if you are the ambitious type you're going to be your own boss and sacrifice social activities for productivity. I think it's a misconception that not having a boss gives the level of freedom/flexibility you describe. And her clients are her bosses too (I assume she sells her writing).

[NorthDallas40]

if you know evenings after dinner are when you get the most done/work best then if you are the ambitious type you're going to be your own boss and sacrifice social activities for productivity.

 

Long story short: if I continue to pursue dating BRENDA, I'll prove yet again that "ND40 only goes after unavailable women."

[Batya33]

Long story short: if I continue to pursue dating BRENDA, I'll prove yet again that "ND40 only goes after unavailable women."

 

Sure if you want to see it that way. I don't think of it in terms of prove or otherwise. And I don't think she's unavailable she just might not be that into you. It's a personal preference but I would feel uncomfortable if I told someone new in my life I was busy for a week and was told (even suggested) to text every day with something about me. I'd feel crowded. Others may feel charmed.

[NorthDallas40]

Sure if you want to see it that way.

 

I don't see it that way; it was my prediction about ENA posts in this thread in the coming weeks.

[SweetGirl28]

Long story short: if I continue to pursue dating BRENDA, I'll prove yet again that "ND40 only goes after unavailable women."

 

This is funny. Yep I'm one of them that said it to you ! However, in this case, I think she's interested but feeling crowded.

Just back off a tad. Me, personally, which doesn't help you really because I'm not her, but if a guy does that to me and I'm not sure I have high interest, it annoys me to no end. It pushes me away and then I disappear. However, if I'm highly attracted they can bug me all day long, all night too. Doesn't mean I'll reply because I can't always, but I will find a few seconds to send a text back here and there. But only when I'm really feeling it. Some people hate texting too. I'm chatty by nature so I do it. I hate talking on the phone though.

 

This isn't dead .....yet. I hope it works for you. Though you did say she had bad breath, lol

[Batya33]

I don't see it that way; it was my prediction about ENA posts in this thread in the coming weeks.

 

I understand you see the ENA posts that way -so I meant that as well. I don't see the posts as trying to "prove" anything.

 

I agree with Sweetgirl but will add that even if I was highly attracted to a guy at first and there was then too much of a certain kind of contact -texts or emails or whatever and he was sort of tone deaf to my signals I would find him less attractive. Sure, the high attraction would mean somewhat of a higher bar but it would upset the dance of intimacy so to speak.

[NorthDallas40]

Let's re-review. Again.

 

BRENDA and I went on two dates and she agreed to meet me a third time, but said it wouldn't be for a week. So I suggested she text me once a day until then. She declined. I dropped it and she didn't hear from me at all for six weeks. But when she did, she kept the third date.

 

After that third date, she asked to see my band this Friday. I asked if she wanted to meet for dinner the night before. She declined. I said no prob, I'll look forward to seeing her on Friday.

 

So my apologies for not "backing off." Maybe I'll just not show up for my band's gig on Friday at all so I can prove to BRENDA that I really, truly and beyond-a-doubt won't suffocate her with my outrageous demands to keep in touch via text between dates or spend time with each other when I'm not "on the job."

[Batya33]

Let's re-review. Again.

 

BRENDA and I went on two dates and she agreed to meet me a third time, but said it wouldn't be for a week. So I suggested she text me once a day until then. She declined. I dropped it and she didn't hear from me at all for six weeks. But when she did, she kept the third date.

 

After that third date, she asked to see my band this Friday. I asked if she wanted to meet for dinner the night before. She declined. I said no prob, I'll look forward to seeing her on Friday.

 

So my apologies for not "backing off." Maybe I'll just not show up for my band's gig on Friday at all so I can prove to BRENDA that I really, truly and beyond-a-doubt won't suffocate her with my outrageous demands to keep in touch via text between dates or spend time with each other when I'm not "on the job."

 

I agree with Sweetgirl. It wasn't outrageous or a demand and I never suggested you did the wrong thing. I know how I would have felt. I think I wrote that other woman might be charmed -and that wasn't meant sarcastically at all. I also wouldn't go for the long first dates with all the activities -I'd prefer shorter more standard ones where we could extend the evening if things were clicking and fun - and save those kinds of activities for later.

[SweetGirl28]

I agree with Sweetgirl. It wasn't outrageous or a demand and I never suggested you did the wrong thing. I know how I would have felt. I think I wrote that other woman might be charmed -and that wasn't meant sarcastically at all. I also wouldn't go for the long first dates with all the activities -I'd prefer shorter more standard ones where we could extend the evening if things were clicking and fun - and save those kinds of activities for later.

 

He likes things his way with no input, that's why it's his journal, lol. But I agree so much with you. We as women know. It doesn't differ much in terms of early dating, no matter whom the woman is. Keeping it short and limiting texts is good until invested unless that attraction is really on fire for both people. Having the option to an extend a date is a great suggestion.

Asking him to text her with something daily would have come across as creepy to me unless I truly was into the person. Probably why she's getting a bit sheepish now.

[NorthDallas40]

I also wouldn't go for the long first dates with all the activities -I'd prefer shorter more standard ones where we could extend the evening if things were clicking and fun - and save those kinds of activities for later.

 

Good thing we're not dating then. My dates with BRENDA were:

 

1. Dinner & comedy club

2. Dinner & live band

3. Dinner & live band

 

In all cases, as with every date, I arrange for dinner and, day/location permitting, suggest other options for afterwards. I never insist on anything more than dinner. Whatever activity the woman ends up choosing - or omitting - that's what we go with.

 

In BRENDA's case, she chose to do all the above activities and after each date, told me repeatedly how good I am at planning, and repeatedly thanked me for it. So I don't even know why the topic of "long" dates is even being brought up unless it's just to nitpick further.

 

Horses for courses.

[Batya33]

He likes things his way with no input, that's why it's his journal, lol. But I agree so much with you. We as women know. It doesn't differ much in terms of early dating, no matter whom the woman is. Keeping it short and limiting texts is good until invested unless that attraction is really on fire for both people. Having the option to an extend a date is a great suggestion.

Asking him to text her with something daily would have come across as creepy to me unless I truly was into the person. Probably why she's getting a bit sheepish now.

 

It's totally his journal and I make the mistake from some of what is written that he does want input or comments. I don't think we as women know. I really don't. Not in my experience. So much individual variation. Seen it so many times. I respect your opinion though!!

[SweetGirl28]

Batya's married! She can't date you! Lol

[Batya33]

Good thing we're not dating then. My dates with BRENDA were:

 

1. Dinner & comedy club

2. Dinner & live band

3. Dinner & live band

 

In all cases, as with every date, I arrange for dinner and, day/location permitting, suggest other options for afterwards. I never insist on anything more than dinner. Whatever activity the woman ends up choosing - or omitting - that's what we go with.

 

In BRENDA's case, she chose to do all the above activities and after each date, told me repeatedly how good I am at planning, and repeatedly thanked me for it. So I don't even know why the topic of "long" dates is even being brought up unless it's just to nitpick further.

 

Horses for courses.

 

You have some kind of agenda to respond with sarcasm or to insist that people are nitpicking or criticizing when that's far from the truth. Suit yourself. I was suggesting a different approach and certainly not saying it was right. To me what is done on first dates is not nitpicking -that's a significant part of getting to know someone. Sounds like Brenda was thrilled with your choices in the past and is not showing much interest in seeing you again. I think being complimented as a good planner is awesome and I was focusing on her seeming lukewarm attitude about seeing you again. When I dated I received many compliments from men who were not interested in dating me again. Some were the silly "you are amazing but" which had nothing to do with anything of course but to me wanting to see someone again and thinking they have good qualities are not always the same - maybe they should be but that's the reality I know. I have complimented your planning awesome, fun, interesting dates many times. Sometimes it's too much time and too much in general with a brand new person. It's not going to turn someone off and on the other hand if it is too much early on -too much time, too "busy" that can hamper getting to know someone - you seem to have more of a one size fits all approach where you plan these kind of long, busy dates every time you meet a brand new person - never a bad thing to maybe change it up. Sorry you think that comes across as nitpicking or criticizing. Dating is hard. Sometimes I think you get in your own way and make it even harder.

[NorthDallas40]

Sounds like Brenda was thrilled with your choices in the past and is not showing much interest in seeing you again.

 

Actually, her enthusiasm between dates has been lukewarm all along. However, her enthusiasm ON the dates has increased each time, most noticeably on the last one.

 

As for my sarcasm, this is thing: I totally, 100%, completely and utterly understand the concept that some women may respond to "too much enthusiasm" early on as "desperate" or "needy" or "creepy." (while others may find it charming)

 

I get it.

 

I get it.

 

I get it.

 

But the ONLY things I have done that fall into that category are:

 

1. suggesting she text me once a day until a date the next week

2. sending her an email of 6-7 music video links

3. asking her out for dinner for the night before she said she might come see my band

 

And in every case, I didn't push the issue further:

 

1. Instead of texting her daily, I disappeared for weeks.

2. In the links email, I acknowledged she was busy and invited her to view them when she needed a break. And I haven't asked about them since sending them to her.

3. When she turned down dinner for tonight, I said no problem.

 

Yet in this thread I keep getting told to "tone it down"... WHEN THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'VE DONE IN EVERY INSTANCE and I have repeatedly said so. This being the THIRD time.

 

Now you know why I don't seek advice in this journal, and why I get sarcastic when it is offered in the manner given over the past several pages.

[Batya33]

Actually, her enthusiasm between dates has been lukewarm all along. However, her enthusiasm ON the dates has increased each time, most noticeably on the last one.

 

As for my sarcasm, this is thing: I totally, 100%, completely and utterly understand the concept that some women may respond to "too much enthusiasm" early on as "desperate" or "needy" or "creepy." (while others may find it charming)

 

I get it.

 

I get it.

 

I get it.

 

But the ONLY things I have done that fall into that category are:

 

1. suggesting she text me once a day until a date the next week

2. sending her an email of 6-7 music video links

3. asking her out for dinner for the night before she said she might come see my band

 

And in every case, I didn't push the issue further:

 

1. Instead of texting her daily, I disappeared for weeks.

2. In the links email, I acknowledged she was busy and invited her to view them when she needed a break. And I haven't asked about them since sending them to her.

3. When she turned down dinner for tonight, I said no problem.

 

Yet in this thread I keep getting told to "tone it down"... WHEN THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'VE DONE IN EVERY INSTANCE and I have repeatedly said so. This being the THIRD time.

 

Now you know why I don't seek advice in this journal, and why I get sarcastic when it is offered in the manner given over the past several pages.

 

I see how you read/interpreted what was written. You can- it's your journal. I personally don't see it that way. I don't even think people were rudely telling you to tone it down. I'm sorry you see it that way. I posted what I wrote above before I saw your post, sorry if it looks like I read what you'd written before I responded. Toning it down can work and sometimes it doesn't if the toning up wasn't a good fit for the new person - first impressions can be a real issue in my experience - stick too long whether fair or not.

[abitbroken]

To me, this has been a very low contact scenario with the fact that Brenda never seems to initiate anything. I don't think you have overcontacted her. If you matched her communication style, you would never text her because she doesn't initiate herself.