Unplanned pregnancy and don't know what to do

[Cyndane]

I'm writing this because I don't have anyone to tell or turn to at this point. I'm 33, a qualified doctor training to be a medical specialist and have been studying for exams in July. I'm getting married to my partner of 5 years in 2 weeks time. We've bought a home (and inherited a substantial mortgage with that) and are moving in a month after our wedding. I've tested positive on 2 home pregnancy test despite having used a condom and taking the morning after pill. I'm absolutely freaking out!! There's just too many things happening all at once and I'm not sure if I'm ready to be a mum. I know this sounds selfish but I really wanted to have 2-3 years with just my husband and complete my medical training before starting a family. If I have an abortion, will I regret it in the future? I mean, who knows...what if I'm not able to conceive after I'm 35?? My partner says its entirely my decision and he'll support me. I'm so totally confused about what I should do

[Seraphim]

There is adoption too.

[Godless_Heathen]

You are in a much better place than most people facing a "whoops!" baby. It's not like you are in your twenties, and it sounds like you'll be done with training before the child would be born. Presumably if you're about to get married, you're certain you actually want to be with this guy. The main issue that is unclear is your finances - if you're still in training, you likely still have significant student loans to pay, even at 33. Personally I'd want to be clear of all debts except maybe a mortgage before starting on a family, since having a child will have a major impact on your ability to earn money in the short term.

[OptomisticGirl]

Most people who have an abortion don't do so with a skip in their step. It's a hard decision, and only you know the fiancial and emotional situation of your relationship. For what it's worth, my husband I have discussed this very thing happening before I finish school (and before we finish paying for all his immigration stuff) and we would go the abortion route. But for us we know there is just no way we could financially support a child before 4-5 years.

 

If you do go the abortion route, perhaps it would also be wise to look into other birth control methods like the pill?

[Clio]

I wouldn't do an abortion mainly because of your age and the fact that you have a solid base in order to pull this off. You are not some sixteen year old with no partner and no career. You have a supportive partner and a career. As you well know abortions can have complications -physical and emotional- and it can get more difficult to conceive past a certain age. What if you are not able to conceive later indeed? Would you be ok with not having a child of your own ever? Do the reasons for waiting really outweight risking not ever having a child of your own or having to undergo fertilisation treatments? Only you know that.

[chitown9]

When you and your husband gaze at your little baby for the first time it will dissolve any concerns that you have....

[toby17]

When I first read your thread heading, I was expecting to hear the story of a woman in no circumstance to have a child. When I read your circumstances, I thought - other women would die to be in this position - in fact some people would think it's the perfect time.

 

At the moment, I think you're panicking. I think you need to let this sink in and then decide. And unless you're really close to some cut-off point (which it doesn't sound like you are), there's no fire.

 

This pregnancy may not fit into your plans, but you are in a great position to have this kid. They say an abortion takes an emotional toll on a woman regardless.

 

I do think you will regret not having this child.

 

But I also think you should have this kid because plans are just that plans. And while you think you're making plans, life has other ideas. You or your fiance could be dead in a year. You could decide to have the child and miscarry. The point is plans are just an illusion that we can control life.

 

Maybe your plan has changed, you just need to accept it.

[Fudgie]

Most women who end up getting abortions don't actually regret them. Studies have been done on it. Sure, there are a few women who have been pushed into it or coerced and they do end up regretting it but the fact of the matter is that many, many don't.

 

It's 2013. If you don't want an unplanned baby, you shouldn't have to have it. I would not jeopardize your medical training for a kid. You can always have one later... You're not THAT old. You were planning to wait a couple years anyway.

 

Also, most abortions are early and accomplished with a pill. You take it and then bleed for a few days. Abortion itself isn't that traumatic, it's really just the people around you who make it bad because they get all upset and try to make you feel bad or guilt you into having a kid. B t it is your choice, not theirs.

[tattoobunnie]

Awwww...I know it's a crazy ride...but man, I don't regret it on my end. Same situation, same age when things happened. I love my baby soooooooo much!

 

No time will ever be perfect. Just go with it...it's a blessing. Just breathe. Tell future papa, and get through it together.

[Batya33]

I personally would go through with the pregnancy. Man/woman plans and god laughs as they say. I am saying this because of your age, your circumstances (financially able to support a child, about to be married, husband is ok with whatever your decision is) and because I think you'll regret it especially if you find your fertility compromised after age 35. I waited to meet the right person so I didn't start trying until I was almost 41- I had a healthy baby at 42. The downside? The emotional stress of being pregnant after age 40 with all the scary statistics and tests (no I did not do anything invasive-no amnio and no cvs). And knowing, pretty much, that this was a one-shot deal because of our ages. Obviously it's up to you and your fiancee but that's my two cents.

[Unknown1607307972]

I personally don't agree with telling someone they should go through with their pregnancy due to their living circumstances. Someone could be a millionaire and married to the love of their life but still be totally floored and not ready to be a parent. It's not just about how much money you have, but how you feel.

 

Cyndane: From reading the first post, I get the impression that you do want children but you planned to have them later. I think really you should give it a think over and listen to your gut feeling. There are women who are emotionally hurt by abortion, it's not exactly fun for everyone, but for most women it isn't this traumatic event that scars them for life. I think it's wrong when people claim that all women regret it in some way as that is not true in many cases, if the woman made the decision on her own terms. If you do decide to have the baby, then you probably can make it work. Your husband will be there for you and people have raised happy and healthy children in much much harder circumstances. It all comes down to whether you truly feel this is right for you now or not, just don't be guilted into either decision.

 

I know a few people who had kids in their late 30's even, with perfectly healthy babies. I am aware that fertility decreases with age but I think at 35 or so it's still not too late.

[rosasnyder811]

I don't know what studies you are reading, but the ones I've shown demonstrate many women have horrible nightmares and feelings of guilt, even decades after the abortion.

 

Abortion is murder, there are better options.

 

And by the way, it is not just the woman's choice, it should be the man's too. Sorry, you don't get to kill our children just because you decided to procreate with us and oops---got pregnant. It takes two to make one, and it takes two to unmake one.

[Unknown1607307972]

I don't know what studies you are reading, but the ones I've shown demonstrate many women have horrible nightmares and feelings of guilt, even decades after the abortion.

 

Abortion is murder, there are better options.

 

And by the way, it is not just the woman's choice, it should be the man's too. Sorry, you don't get to kill our children just because you decided to procreate with us and oops---got pregnant. It takes two to make one, and it takes two to unmake one.

 

Let's not make this into a debate over the general morality of abortion as that isn't helpful to the OP.

[rosasnyder811]

Let's not make this into a debate over the general morality of abortion as that isn't helpful to the OP.

 

I agree with you. I was responding to some unecessary advice provided in a previous response.

As a future doctor who is swearing to "do no harm," it seems her best option is to have the baby. She can decide to keep it or put it up for adoption. There are many people out there that would love to adopt and this baby could be that dream for them.

 

Whatever you do, don't do it in haste, and it needs to be a decision for both of you...not him putting it all on you. That's not fair.

[Fudgie]

I've found several studies. You are letting your bias color your advice here. PS doctors perform abortions all the time. My gyno sure does. So don't kid yourself, kid.

 

If OPs boyfriend had an issue with her getting one, then my advice would be different. He says he doesn't care.

 

OP, follow your guy. Don't let ideological nonsense from others affect you. If you are fine with me an abortion, you will be okay afterward. I know personally people who've had one. Only people who regret it are those who got pressured into one and didn't want one.

[Seraphim]

Okay but the people pushed into one and the people who dont want one and have them I don't believe are a minority. Everybody seems to think that they are this little tiny weenie minority. And that 99% of women skip out of an abortion singing about unicorns and rainbows. I pretty much think that's not true.

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't know what studies you are reading, but the ones I've shown demonstrate many women have horrible nightmares and feelings of guilt, even decades after the abortion.

 

Abortion is murder, there are better options.

 

And by the way, it is not just the woman's choice, it should be the man's too. Sorry, you don't get to kill our children just because you decided to procreate with us and oops---got pregnant. It takes two to make one, and it takes two to unmake one.

 

This is your opinion, not fact. Don't turn this into a political debate.

 

Unless a woman is using abortion as a form of birth control, most women who have one would rather not but it's the best option for them at that time. I want children more than anything in this world but I will NOT bring one into this world if I can not take care of it financially and until I get through college or we win the lottery, we'd have to go the abortion route because we just could not afford a child, not with all my husband's immigration stuff over the next 5 years. So for most women (and I know 3 who have had abortions) they don't leave the abortion clinic skipping for joy. It's a hard choice.

[Seraphim]

What I am saying is that the women forced into this people seem to think is the little tiny proportion of women and it's not so.

[Seraphim]

I have a cousin who had one and even though it was several years ago now she still to this day hates herself and feels she is disgusting.

[OptomisticGirl]

But not everyone is like that. My (older) friend ha one when she was 17. She's 39 now with a 12 year old son. Does she sometimes feel sad about it? Of course, but she has readily admitted to me she never regrets it. Without it she would not have married her husband or had her son now.

 

And I agree with unknown, I'd never tell someone to just go through with a pregnancy OR abortion, weather they were rich or poor.

[Huntress0527]

Just as the pro life have their opinions so do the pro choice so don't bash one or the other.

 

OP, you do what you think is best and it's between you and your husband to be. I think you are in a good point in your life to raise a child maturity and financially wise. If you want to go the age related route, you may not get more opportunities as fertility starts to decline bit by bit by late 20s so if you desire children in the future I would really soul search before having an abortion.

[Seraphim]

But not everyone is like that. My (older) friend ha one when she was 17. She's 39 now with a 12 year old son. Does she sometimes feel sad about it? Of course, but she has readily admitted to me she never regrets it. Without it she would not have married her husband or had her son now.

 

And I agree with unknown, I'd never tell someone to just go through with a pregnancy OR abortion, weather they were rich or poor.

 

I know not everybody feels like that but people keep saying like those numbers of women who do feel that way are inconsequential. And that's not true.

[OptomisticGirl]

I know not everybody feels like that but people keep saying like those numbers of women who do feel that way are inconsequential. And that's not true.

 

I actually believe the reverse is true. I've only ever heard 'you will regret this' or things to that effect. I think people believe the women who don't feel regret over it are far less than they actually are compared to the other way around.

[Fudgie]

I think if you follow your heart, and it says get an abortion, then have one.

 

If you follow your heart and it says have the kid, then have it.

 

OP expresses uncertainty and doesn't seem to lead either way so I am just keeping it up open because I know most will say to have it. But her gut may say otherwise.

 

both women who are forced into abortions as well as those who are forced to birth the kid DO regret their choices. Kids can be regretable as well as abortions. It goes both ways.

 

If you follow your gut, you can't go wrong. That is the bottom line.

[rosasnyder811]

I think if you follow your heart, and it says get an abortion, then have one.

 

If you follow your heart and it says have the kid, then have it.

 

OP expresses uncertainty and doesn't seem to lead either way so I am just keeping it up open because I know most will say to have it. But her gut may say otherwise.

 

both women who are forced into abortions as well as those who are forced to birth the kid DO regret their choices. Kids can be regretable as well as abortions. It goes both ways.

 

If you follow your gut, you can't go wrong. That is the bottom line.

 

 

But, you need to DISCUSS with the father these things, because it is his child too, and you both did this together. Therefore, it IS the decision of BOTH of you. This is where communication is key because you both have to discuss one anothers wants and needs and figure out where to go from there.