Musings of a boring nerd

[happy_snapper]

Yeah, that's the point, I want to.

I've been wanting to get away from it for a while and now that I've finally found a way to get a bit of distance, I've got an excuse to stop going there.

I need some friends my own age. If you're religious then churches are good places to make friends. The problem with the church I attend, is that when kids reach university age they disappear and never come back, except for me. The only people I actually like in that church now, are between 25 and 40 years older than me. A couple of the kids are ok as well, but yeah, they're kids.

[Realitynut]

Gottcha! My only friend is 83...she use to be my kids babysitter. I go to her house and do her hair...and we watch our reality tv shows....we both admit it kinda sucks....lol

[happy_snapper]

I think I may have started something.

I caught mum looking at bungalows in Yorkshire this morning. I know she's wanted to go north for ages.

Well, I'm off, Lucy's starting university, Emma needs a kick up the backside, the mortgage is nearly paid off...

[Realitynut]

cool. You can all start over....as long as she doesn't think "she and dad' can move in with YOU! lol

[happy_snapper]

I've been learning a lot about the city I live in recently. Well, lots of things that affect property prices anyway.

 

It's such a shame that this place (like all big cities) is so full of scummy people. There really aren't many decent areas left, so the few nice places are ridiculously popular and therefore ridiculously expensive. There are three or four of those places where I could just about afford to rent a small cupboard, so long as I gave up eating.

Then the majority of the rest of the city is actually quite affordable, so long as you don't mind being stabbed by crackheads occasionally.

OK that's an exaggeration, but the middle-ground is small and hard to come by.

 

What I'm doing right now, feels like I'm trying to balance one of those balance-scale things, but one with 10 different pans and complex linkages between them.

I'm so glad I've got a lot of help.

 

The rental market around here is quite crazy too. To get a half-decent place, rent is £500 PCM minimum. Just going by the results of a few mortgage calculators, the kind of mortgage repayments I'd be looking at would be nearly £200 cheaper (Yes that's just a free quote from a website, I know I'd have to do a full application, get turned down, do another one, etc. etc...), plus I'd actually own the apartment.

 

 

The good news is that right now, if everything I've found online was accurate (it will actually be more expensive but I don't quite know how much yet), I would be able to afford to buy a fairly nice-looking place in a not-very-nice-but-not-horrific area. Just with my current savings.

2 more paydays and some Ebeneezer Scrooge -esque saving and I think I should have a big enough margin.

 

 

I'm still not feeling scared, still excited. Possibly more excited than last week. Yesterday I was looking through a few photos I've taken recently and thought "That one would look good printed. Maybe on canvas, it would look good on a wall. That would look good on my living room wall."

The overwhelming money matters and vast number of things I'll have to sort out will eventually catch up and make me wish I'd never been born, but for now I'm feeling very good.

[zentoCC]

I know what you mean with the decorating thing. I can't wait to get my own place so I can make it look perfect.

 

My sister wants me to move out to so she can have my room, she gave me a sandwich toaster for my birthday so I can make her one when she visits.

 

I'm glad you're excited about moving out, you're making me excited all over again about the possibility of moving out!

[happy_snapper]

I don't know if anybody's been following my escapades in the dating and shy people forum, but I felt Like I should document it in here as well.

 

All the way back on page 4 I mentioned about a trip to a country house with the Photography meetup group (there only seems to be one group that I ever do anything with). One thing I didn't mention in this journal (I made a separate thread about it) is that I met a woman there (yes you read that correct, a woman!). The group split into smaller and smaller groups and me and this woman ended up together for pretty much the whole day, quite often on our own. My initial fear was that I was following her around and that she thought I was a weirdo stalker, but I soon realised that she was following me as much as I was following her.

It was only after about 3/4 hour of walking, photographing and talking that I realised I didn't know her name, I'd missed it when I first met her and I hadn't asked.

Now back in those days (1.5 months ago) I had a serious problem with a fear of asking anything after "the time had passed". It's very hard to explain, the only way I can describe it is that I knew I should have asked her name when we first bumped into each other and I felt like it would be really strange to suddenly ask her after waiting for 45 minutes. It's one of the facets of my social phobia that I've always had, but I think it's got a lot better over the last month.

 

Anyway apart from not knowing her name, it was quite good. I think I generally behaved like a human and she seemed to like talking to me. The next time I got on ENA I asked people what they thought and somebody said that I should definitely ask her out next time I saw her.

I haven't seen her since.

 

BUT... last week I did a bit of detective work and found out her name and email address. Mwuhahahaha!

We've exchanged a few emails and I invited her to an event at the weekend. She either didn't realise that I was only interested in meeting her, or subtly tried to indicate that she wasn't interested in meeting only me. Whichever it was, I've posted a little message about the event on the group's discussion board, as she suggested. No takers yet though, so I may still have her all to myself! *twirls 1900's-villain-style moustache*

 

I feel like I've got a good chance of making a friend this weekend. I even feel like there's a slight chance that my first ever relationship could be on the horizon. I need to find out more about her, and see if she has any interest in learning more about me.

I can't wait to see what the future holds.

...Along with moving out of my parent's house, buying property for the first time and learning how to live alone...

[Realitynut]

woo-hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just discovered the BIG FONT! and i thought this occasion warranted it!!!

[happy_snapper]

Woohoo indeed.

 

It's so good having this forum to get your thoughts out. Being able to say things that you wouldn't feel comfortable saying anywhere else. Also, being able to read posts by very similar people and being able to learn from their mistakes before I make them... that's so useful.

 

Usually all these thoughts would be bouncing about in my head and piling up into stacks of self-doubt. By now I'd be in state of extreme panic about Sunday. I'd be worried about what I'm going to talk about, how she might respond, how I should respond to that response..... What if she doesn't like me? Or worse, what if she does like me? What then?

I would probably have emailed her by now saying that I can't make it on Sunday.

 

I think I'm just getting better at controlling my thoughts. I remember posting only a couple of months ago something like "Taking control of my thoughts is an alien concept to me." My thoughts were controlling me and I didn't know how to stop it.

 

Something that would normally feel so complicated and likely to go horribly wrong, just seems so simple now.

I used to be worried how to behave, but there's nothing to it:

Listen to her (something I'm naturally good at)

Be funny (something else I'm naturally good at) but tone down the wackiness (something I'm not so good at)

Be friendly (yet another thing I'm naturally good at)

Don't be negative, stay off negative subjects as much as possible.

Don't think that this is anything more than than it is. We're not actually going on a date, don't act like it is one (unless things change during the day of course).

She doesn't need to learn every single thing about me (and vice-versa) by the end of Sunday.

There are a lot of things that she may never need to know. I'm not so socially awkward that I don't know when something is TMI.

Don't worry about things to talk about, I already know 3 things we have in common, just act natural.

Don't machine-gun her with questions. Don't worry about a bit of silence now and then.

 

The one thing I'm worried about is that I'll get carried away. Everything I know about her so far is a tick in a box, no crosses, and I feel like I'm getting a bit too excited about the possibilities. I need to be realistic and remember that although she has been friendly, I don't know her at all yet. There's a very good chance that nothing will come of this and I've got to try to remember that.

 

But yeah. However realistic I want to be, this is still the first time I can remember that I've met an attractive woman, who shares some interests with me, isn't repelled at the thought of spending time with me and is single as far as I know.

And this is only after 2 months of trying to get out and meet people, even if things go nowhere this weekend, the next one may be just around the corner. There are 400,000 people living in this city, chances are that there is somebody out there for me.

[Realitynut]

She doesn't need to learn every single thing about me (and vice-versa) by the end of Sunday.

There are a lot of things that she may never need to know. I'm not so socially awkward that I don't know when something is TMI.

 

WOW...you've learned this already. I'm just finding this out...and i'm 58...and still do the TMI stuff.

 

I feel I'm a Borderline personality....and that is one of the 'many' things we tend to do. Tell our whole life's story at the first sitting...and believe me....at my age....i have a LONG story!

 

I gotta tell you about it sometime......................lol

[happy_snapper]

TBH, I think I've only picked those up in the last couple of months. I've read a couple of really awkward conversations that people have posted on here and realised that I've done exactly the same thing. I can recognise when something is awkward sounding or strange, but usually only after I've said it.

 

The one I know I'm going to struggle with (because I'm already struggling with it) is "Don't think that this is anything more than than it is. We're not actually going on a date, don't act like it is one"

 

It's finding the... emotional balance.

Last night she sent me her phone number, without me asking for it. My initial reaction was "OMG!! This is a sign that she likes me!"

I then thought rationally and... well, I'm organising a trip, we need to have each-other's phone numbers.

But on the other hand, she is being friendly and I shouldn't ignore that. I definitely shouldn't act uninterested.

 

I'm sure you know what I mean. The main worry I have is that I'll go too far one way or the other. I'll either put her off by acting clingy, over-friendly and/or otherwise strange, or I'll be too careful and make her think that I'm not interested at all.

 

I'm sure it's going to be a good day. Sun, sea, sand, hundreds of kites...

 

I nearly forgot that I have things to arrange for Saturday.

[happy_snapper]

Had a nice thing happen last night while talking on a forum (the one where I met the people I went camping with in '11 and '12). There was a thread where people were posting their cars, so I posted mine.

 

I don't actually have a good photo of her online so I used this stock image. It's pretty close apart from the colour.

image removed

 

A few people started laughing and joking.

"That's a bus"

"Ugliest thing I've ever seen. I think I'm going to be sick"

"How many kids have you got?"

 

Then a guy from the camping trip came into the thread.

"Oh you better not be disrespecting pete's awesomemobile. That thing's a beast. She'll come to your house in the night and squash your crappy MX5 into a small pile of scrap metal while you sleep."

 

Then another camping guy came in.

"Cars are like penises, it's what you do with them that counts. Pete gets a hell of a lot of use out of his. And his car."

 

Then back to the first guy.

"Yeah, can you get 3 awesome people and Katie [Katie is one of the forum moderators who went camping, she is awesome too] plus walking gear into your MX5 and then drive up a mountain? Can you go more than 100 miles from a Mazda parts dealer without worrying about your POS falling apart? Does yours have tray tables?"

(I'm not sure why he was picking on the guy with the Mazda, there were about 5 people making fun)

 

[in reply to the 'cars are like penises'] "Yeah, and unlike some people in this thread, Pete doesn't spend all his free time rubbing his with a chamois leather. He doesn't spend all weekend cleaning his car either."

 

The thread then descended into "...and his car" jokes.

It turns out that me and my car made a lasting impression on some people. It's nice to know that people remember me and are willing to stand up for me against teenagers with Mazdas on the internet.

I thought I was one of the background people of the camp, somebody that nobody really noticed.

A third person from the camping group entered the thread and made a reference to joke that I made during last year's camp. What's more, he's one of the centre of attention guys: massively extroverted, confident, likeable, funny. The kind of guy that I wouldn't expect to even notice me when we're 2 metres apart, but he actually remembered something mildly funny that I said 11 months ago.

[happy_snapper]

Just got back from lunch. Went to that place that I went to in post #13.

Um, what was the big deal again?

 

Something's happened to me. And I like it.

[Realitynut]

I so enjoyed reading about your 'car' story...and how all the people jumped in to defend you and your car! And to such LENGTHS...it was totally awesome!

 

Watching something 'happen' to you....is making me tear up again! (lol...i'm super emotional!)

 

I'm just so happy for you! Watching you come into your own 'awesomeness' before my very eyes makes my heart bust with pride! (lol....like maybe i helped with a few 'atta boy' pats on the back!!"....)

 

Going to my 40 class reunion tonite and tomorrow. Don't know a damn person. But last night we had a very small meet up with a couple of people who came from out of town. 2 of the guys said they remembered me and sorta had a crush on me in high school! huh? I don't even remember them.....lol But it made me feel good non-the-less....teehee

[happy_snapper]

I haven't seen any of my school cronies for decades.

Saying that, I did see one of them on the news about 2 years back, being pinned to the ground by riot police. And they said he'd never get anywhere in life...

 

 

I'm going to be out for most of tomorrow to a place in Wales with the photography group. Then Sunday...

Well, I just checked the meetup group discussion board. Nobody else wants to go with me on Sunday, so it looks like it's just me and Jen.

The old me would be having heart palpitations at this point. The new me is looking forward to it more than anything I can remember.

I feel like I kind of blew it last time I saw her in person, by basically being shy and not doing anything. I feel like I've got a second chance.

The vibe I'm getting from her emails is so encouraging. Like when I told her my travel plans and said that she could meet me at the train station, or meet me at the event. She said she'd meet me at the station at 10:10, that's 15 mins before the train leaves + 30 mins on the train + 5 minute walk from the other station to the event.

If she wasn't particularly keen on spending time with me, it would have been very easy for her to get there by herself and cut out the best part of an hour with me.

[Realitynut]

Saying that, I did see one of them on the news about 2 years back, being pinned to the ground by riot police. And they said he'd never get anywhere in life...

 

Crap that made me giggle.........you are so funny!

Good luck on the outing....I'm sure you'll make a good impression with your newfound self-confidence!

[Realitynut]

Can't WAIT to hear how it went.....I'm soooo excited! Hope everything went GREAT! *fingers crossed*

[happy_snapper]

Well yes it went very well, but no, not in the way I had originally hoped.

A good day out, weather was great, we took a load of pictures, we flew a couple of kites, we talked about camping trips, etc.

But the day felt like... brother and sister on a day out.

I'm not going to knock it, it was good, could have been a lot worse. But there was a tiny part of me that was disappointed that it didn't go further. The rest of me is sensible enough to appreciate how well it went.

 

She wants to do more stuff with me in the future, I want to do more stuff with her... all in all, things are very good.

[Realitynut]

yep...don't push it....

 

Being the shy guy and all...just stand a little closer than you would...for brother/sister outings. Plus...it's all about the flirting...the furtive glances...lol The tongue hanging out.....oh...no scratch that!

 

Put yourself in a romance novel...and YOU are the main character! Play THAT part. DON"T play the Peter the brother part. Be funny. Be charming. She wants to see you again....REMEMBER....BE FLIRTATIOUS...even if it kills you! lol

 

Just bump shoulders with her once in awhile and see how she responds.....and then bump into her and laugh. If she bumps playfully back...she likes you. If she glowers at you and says 'What's your problem Peter???'...she doesn't! LOL

 

You have plenty of time to get to know her. She now trusts you to be a gentleman. Now she has to see you as a 'sexy' gentleman!!!! YYYYYAAAAYYYY.

 

Tell her that you are in the process of buying your own home.....she'll be impressed!

[happy_snapper]

Last night I cried for the first time since my cousin's funeral 2 years ago.

I was sat in my room and just had this overwhelming feeling of... I have no idea what. Loneliness I suppose and frustration. I just sat there crying for 10 minutes, then went to bed.

 

Even when luck has thrown me this chance, even when I feel really confident, I'm still too scared to do anything with it.

And the fact that all those things I wish I'd done in my 20s, but never did, kept cropping up in conversation yesterday. However much I try to forget the past, my past (or more specifically my lack of one) keeps getting in my way.

Jenny is just the kind of girl I like: Somebody who does interesting things, an active person, the kind of person I wish I was myself.

But I'm not.

I haven't got a chance with her, or anybody else. Why would anybody waste their time with me?

The things I want to do and the things I'm able to do don't match up. If I was content with doing **** all, then it would be fine, because I can do that. I'm a world champion of doing **** all. I've spend the best part of a lifetime in a single room, doing nothing much.

 

Those things you said about being flirtatious, that's not...me. There's no way I could do anything like that without it being so horribly awkward.

 

I feel so lonely but incapable of doing anything about it. What the hell is going to happen to me when I move out? I won't cope.

[zentoCC]

What about the camping trip, the fact you've joined a photography club and you're buying your own house? They're all interesting things. So you may not gave as many stories as some people, you are clearly making an effort and it's paying off.

 

Don't worry so much about the flirting either, I can't ready do it. Important about as subtle as a bus.

 

Just let her know you like her. Tell her she looks nice when you see her. Maybe glance at her lips a few times it'll make her think you want to kiss her.

 

I like the bumping shoulders thing realitynut mentioned sounds cute and fun.

[happy_snapper]

I can't shake the feeling that the opportunity was there yesterday, but I didn't see it.

Right now we've both got a load of stuff going on. She's moving back in with her mother right now, then she's starting house-hunting. She's going to be a bridesmaid in a couple of weeks for one of her best friends. Her sister is moving to the opposite side of the country... Everything, all at once.

I feel like she hasn't got time for dating right now, but once this period of madness is all sorted, she'll find someone and it won't be me.

 

I sent her an email saying how I enjoyed yesterday and that any time she needs to escape from the madness again, she can always txt or email me.

She's working on a market stall on Saturday. I might go and say hi. Try to remind her of my existence.

[Realitynut]

Ya know....i didn't do crappola in my 20's. Or hardly anything ever. Not a flirter. They say...glance at a guy...look him in the eye...nope...nada...never gonna happen!

That's why i am online. Now if i feel i have a connection with someone....eek...the flirt subconsciously comes out! Along with the bashfulness...and red face.

 

Sweetheart! Your life is JUST beginning! Believe me...believe in yourself! You're moving into a HOME! You've joined meetup groups! You're entertaining us on HERE! Just the way you write and express yourself...I'm SURE she finds you intellectually stimulating...and fun! Or she would NEVER, ever, in a million years showed up...or hung with you!

 

Believe me on that also.

 

You just need a touch more self-confidence. Some women don't mind a shy guy!

 

Just tell yourself...my life is JUST beginning. I am going to BE the guy that i would want to hang out with (if i was a girl...lol)

 

She sounds great...and YOU ARE GREAT!

Believe me...i don't lie.

 

Well...i did lie about my age on POF! lol

[Realitynut]

BTW....that was a great txt....not over-bearing...just nice and natural. Perfect!

[happy_snapper]

I'm not sure what I'd do without you guys.

That really made me feel better.

 

 

I'm in the process of arranging to view some apartments.

They're not in my price range (not much beyond my budget, but beyond nonetheless)

They're not in a location I really want to be in (too close to the city centre)

They don't have any parking available (because they're right next to the city centre)

 

...But I'm a nosey bugger, so I'm going to take a look anyway.

They do look nice though, they've just been built, right on the harbourside. They're so new that google's satellite view shows the buildings as a huge pile of rubble. I have checked though, they do exist.

 

I think the same thing in a different location would probably be just within my budget, so it's worth a look.