Musings of a boring nerd

[happy_snapper]

I feel like I'm getting too smitten with this girl. She's already becoming too important in my mind and nothing's definite yet.

I think it's partly because things are uncertain, and I hate uncertainty. I don't know what's going to happen, so I want to know, so I want to talk to her, but I know she's busy. It's like an itch that you can't reach.

 

I sent her that email yesterday and I'm not going to bother her any more for a while (unless she contacts me first). I'm going to try to get her out of my mind for a week or so, maybe until her life has settled a bit.

[Realitynut]

aaahhh that's good Peter...when i'm smitten with someone...it's so damnn hard to keep your fingers away from the txting or emails....sigh

 

You're a stronger guy than I!!!! (I just said that cuz it rhymed so 'cutely'...lol)

 

Kudos.

[happy_snapper]

It's not too difficult for me, I have such a problem with sending emails anyway. I'm always looking for an excuse to not send a message.

But it does eat away at you doesn't it. In this case I think it's partly because she hasn't responded to the email I sent on Monday. It feels like a loose thread.

 

I'm dying to arrange something else, but I know how little free time she's got for the next couple of weeks. Nagging at her to spend time with me, when she's told me that she's got no time, would really show that I'm a mature and sensitive person :stupid:

 

I think I'll just have to wait and see if she keeps the interest that she's got for a while.

 

The timing is terrible, that's all. 2 weeks from now, things are going to be less crazy.

[happy_snapper]

Just read this.

link removed

God, do I do that a lot. Just last night in fact, I let my mum field an difficult phone call. I should have taken it and dealt with it, but I knew it would be awkward, so I avoided it.

 

Basically, yet another of my old friends is getting married (well actually 2 old friends, I knew them both from about 10 years ago up until about 5 years ago when they disappeared off my radar). I was told that he'd be giving me a call about the wedding, but it wasn't exactly an invitation. He wanted to ask me to do the technical stuff in the church, like I usually do.

I've mentioned before that I'm planning on cutting ties with this church before I move. The thing I want to stop first, is saying yes to things like the above. I always do every favour that people ask me and sometimes I even get thanked for doing them.

 

I didn't want to tell him that I didn't want to go to his wedding, plus I'm ridiculously easy to persuade and I was sure he'd talk me into it. So I asked my mum to give him the message and to say I'd gone out.

 

It's strange... I really felt like I was letting an old friend down, but when I think about it, we were never really friends. We knew each other from the church youth group, did things together as part of the group, etc. He's a nice guy, similar to me in a number of ways, but I wouldn't say we were friends. I remember that I was always an outsider in the group, people were friendly to me, but I wasn't part of the big clique (Everybody but me and my sister went to the same school).

 

He didn't invite me to his wedding, if it was a proper invitation it would have come ages ago (the wedding is in 2 or 3 weeks time, even I know that they take forever to plan, invitations go out a lot earlier). What he really wanted was for me to do some unpaid work on a Saturday as a favour.

He probably forgot that I existed up until somebody reminded him that the church has all the community-centre-type A/V equipment... stuff.

 

Sorry, I'm busy on that day.

I wonder what I'll be doing...

[happy_snapper]

The more I think about it, the more I wonder what I'd be like now, if I hadn't joined that youth group. Well... what I'd be like if I hadn't gone to that church.

I realise that in some respects I've learnt a lot. A lot about people, about the class system and how it's still alive and well, about stubbornness, about open-mindedness, about generosity, about gullibility, about families, about teamwork....

 

But I've never felt accepted. I've been going to that church for 15 years, more of my life has been spent as a member of that church than not, and I don't think I have ever felt accepted at any point in those 15 years. I've always been shy, but nobody ever helped me out of it, I was left outside of the social circle. I think that if I had gone to a different social group or maybe just a different church, I would have grown more as a person over the years.

 

I think the moment I realised that I had to leave was a long time back. It was the first evening of that 2011 camping trip.

I felt more at home and accepted among a group of people I'd met 6 hours previously, than with a church family that I'd been a member of for 13 years.

Back a few posts I mentioned about them defending me and my car on that forum.

I said about the guy who remembered a slightly funny thing I said last year. I've known a few people like him in the church (extreme extrovert, likeable, always centre of attention), but there's no way they'd remember anything I said a year later. I doubt any of them could remember my existence after a year. They had as little to do with me as possible, if they noticed me at all.

This guy... well, here's a picture of us on the 2012 trip sharing a camping chair and preparing an experimental "whiskey-mallow" (we renamed it "disaster-on-a-stick")

image removed

 

On one hand, you have the people who go to the same church as me (and everything that goes with that).

On the other, are a collection of atheist nerds from the internet.

Who would you expect to be more welcoming?

[Realitynut]

Damn Peter...you are sooooo damn cute! geez...no wonder that girl followed you around!

 

I saw that pic of you on another thread and thought...well...that just happens to be a good pic...but wait....there's another???

 

Can't be just a FLUKE!

 

Church family. knew you forever....yeah....that's Peter...been here forever....blah, blah, blah...yep....good guy.

 

New camping atheist friends...hey....hi Peter...hahahahaha...you're FUNNY...You're cool....hahahaha...you say the damndest things....i think we share a connection!!! A newfound friend! YIPPEE! HAH! Boy was that a fun weekend!

[happy_snapper]

I love those pictures from the camping trip. So many memories... So many alcohol induced memory holes...

I've never thought I was that good-looking, but I've noticed that people keep saying I am.

It's strange how things take on a different feeling when you think differently.

 

A few months ago, seeing people watching me, felt really uncomfortable. I felt like they were questioning me with their stares. Do you remember when I posted about going to that bar for lunch and I nearly died when everybody looked at me?

Well last week (back when it was summer), I was walking to the park next to the office, summer clothes, new haircut, sexy shades. I noticed a few female drivers waiting at a red light watching me go by, their heads turned in unison like flowers following the sun. Instead of thinking "I'm not doing anything wrong, stop looking at me!" all I could think was "Ohhh yeah... Like what you see ladies?"

I'm no Brad Pitt (I'm told he's the yardstick of male attractiveness), but I'm obviously not bad.

 

I suppose having 5 or 6 people on this forum saying things ranging from "You aren't deformed or anything. Nothing wrong in the looks department" to "You are sooooo damn cute! geez" has made me think differently recently. I don't think anybody's ever commented on my looks before.

[Realitynut]

Yeah...Peter...way to go...get your swagger on!!! lol

 

Love the way you write, "heads turned in unison like flowers following the sun'......you really are a poet at heart!

 

(and i'm secretly glad that i gave you the best compliment out of the bunch!! teehee)

[happy_snapper]

I think it may be time get on facebook. I've avoided it forever and, not having any friends, I haven't felt the need for it.

Now that I actually have a few people I regularly do things with, plus a couple of people that I like to chat to, I think it makes sense.

[happy_snapper]

All the way back in post #96 I was talking about my moving out plan and said:

"I've put up with it for this long, what's 2 more months?"

Extremely frustrating, that's what it is.

A very large part of my life has been filled with frustration, but being this close and yet so very far away is starting to get to me.

I've got to look at properties, but there's no way I can afford anything yet.

 

There's a place I've seen online that is in the area I want, all the features I'd like, secure parking, everything.

It's only a few £1000 beyond what I can afford. I could probably afford it once the planned 2 months have passed, but it will be sold by then. Well with the way the market is, it should be. If it's still on the market in a couple of months, then there must be something bad about it that isn't clear from the advert.

 

And now I'm sat in my room, nothing to do. The weather has returned to winter, I can't be bothered to play computer games, I've watched every video in my youtube subscription list, everybody I know is busy with something.

I am so incredibly bored. Just imagine what a fun and exciting time I'll be having when I'm living alone.

[Realitynut]

I am so incredibly bored. Just imagine what a fun and exciting time I'll be having when I'm living alone.

 

 

Oh you are so damn funny! Tell me about it! lol

 

Hey...but when you're alone...you'll be doing all kinds of fun stuff...like dishes and laundry!

 

Not to mention what i REALLY look forward to...grocery shopping...and cooking!

 

Do you make your own food? Or does mom do the cooking. I know life can be boring...especially weekends. Summer is just starting here...and that makes MY life MUCH better. But winter...yuck.

 

So you are going to be renting, instead of buying? darn. Wish you could save your money to buy a little something. It feels more like your own...and then you can have all the fun of painting and fixing it up in those lonely, boring off moments!

 

Hold in there....be strong.....you can do it!

 

I have fb...but i NEVER get on. Too busy with dating sites...and enotalone! Hey...that's what you could do...join a darn dating site...now let me tell ya THAT IS FUN!!! lol

 

(don't believe a word i just said...lol)

 

If i like a guy...and he doesn't email me...i think he doesn't care and write him off! Has she answered your last email?

Just nosey! ;-)

[happy_snapper]

We had summer last week. It was pretty nice.

 

I'm pretty sure I won't be caving in and renting, but the fact that I can do nothing but sit around and wait is starting to drive me mad.

 

I had a brief text conversation with her about some equipment (initiated by me), but nothing much. No contact since Friday, but I know that she's been busy over the weekend. She's going to be a bridesmaid for one of her friends next weekend, so she's going to be unavailable and/or busy then too.

I can't help thinking she would have initiated some conversation if she was at all interested in me, even just one email. This could have been purely wishful thinking on my part. It could just be that she's a friendly person.

 

I'm not sure what I should do, if anything, but it can wait a few days.

[happy_snapper]

Wow, 2 minutes after I posted that, my phone buzzed.

Text message from my phone company advertising their amazing offers. Good god my heart skipped a beat there.

Wait 2 Unread...

 

Checked my inbox.

Jenny had texted me about an hour ago but I hadn't seen it come in.

She's got her camera sorted out, her house move is going slowly.

"hope you've had a good week?"

 

OK, my mood's just done a U-turn.

[Realitynut]

Isn't it funny how the opposite sex can dictate your moods???? That and the weather!

 

Since i have no guy...i usually wake up bummed...this spring was crappy out. Rain. and cold.

 

When the sun came out...my spirits was much better.

 

When i had a BF.....spirits soared. Dang it all....

[happy_snapper]

Yeah crazy isnt it.

Last week: good weather, nice temperatures, no rain, prospect of meeting a nice girl and spending a few hours at the beach = Very happy Peter

This week: constant rain, max temperature 15C, nice girl not paying any attention to me, no plans for the entire weekend = Miserable Peter

 

And do you know what? If the weather was switched around, I think my mood would have been about the same.

 

There's nothing between us yet, there may never be anything, but talking to her gives me that little bit of hope that it's possible.

 

Next time I try arranging something with her, I'm going to be clearer in my intentions. I'm not sure when I should try.

I'll say something along the lines of I enjoyed meeting her last time, I'd like to get to know her some more, would she mind meeting up with just me and not inviting anybody else.

I'll work it out

[Realitynut]

ooooohhhh good! Itty-bitty steps Peter...itty-bitty steps! And you're making them.....

 

Just you saying "I'll work it out' is a big step for you! You are NOT saying....I'll try to work it out...or i hope it works out!" you are saying 'I WILL work it out!" Do you see how far you've come?

 

Now if only i could get MY butt in gear. I'm sitting here sweltering...and a few wks ago it was dang cold.

[happy_snapper]

uuuh

I hate the weather.

A big group of us were planning on on going down to Stonehenge for the solstice sunrise to photograph the crazy druids. But according to the forecast there's no chance of seeing the sun, because it will be raining. If it's not raining, it will be cloudy.

So I got a day off work for nothing. Time for more house-hunting I suppose.

[Realitynut]

Awww...no crazy druids...just crazy house hunting......

 

I know...i've been crazy for the last 3 days. I was talking to someone today and said i should be knocking on the door to a 'funny farm' and saying "LET ME IN!"

 

I also had a guy who tried to kiss me goodnight last night after a first meet. Later he emailed me that we weren't a good match....and when i asked why...he said...well...since you asked....You aren't a good kisser....

 

see Peter...there ARE worse things in life!!!

[happy_snapper]

We've decided that we're still going to go partying with the druids and hippies. If the BBC are to be believed then it isn't going to rain. Going down this evening, staying up all night, photographing crazy people and standing stones at dawn. Of course, we'll only know that it's dawn by looking at the time, we won't see the sun behind the huge blanket of cloud that's covering most of the country.

[happy_snapper]

I thought I'd messed up for a while there.

A couple of days ago I sent Jenny an email with... well, an example of my quirky sense of humour. It was related to something odd we saw when we met up 1.5 weeks back, so nothing weird out of the blue.

 

I didn't get a single message from her for days.

I was beginning to think that maybe I shouldn't have sent it. Maybe she didn't find it funny, maybe she just thought it was weird.

Well if I want her to get to know me at all, she's going to have to find out how my humour works at some point. Was it too soon...

 

I'm getting better at this, because I was able to think to myself "The message has been sent, I can't take it back now. There's nothing I can do but see what happens."

And I managed to stop worrying about it.

 

 

This morning she emailed back to say that it really made her laugh.

I breathed a sigh of relief that I'd been holding in since I sent the email.

 

So yeah, we're still talking. Only a couple of emails, but she hasn't told me to get lost yet.

[Realitynut]

Yep....i was so bummed when that idiot guy told me i needed to be a better kisser..that i slept 11 hours that night. Then after 2 days of being depressed over it...i realized...screw him! HE"S probably the lousy kisser. After all I've had 4...count 'em 4 guys in my 58 years that told me i was a GOOD kisser....and only ONE who said i wasn't. So who did i believe? The one who said i wasn't.

 

So you're doing better than me Peter....you're still young...and learning FAST!

 

I AM a good kisser. I AM a good kisser. I AM a good kisser.

 

Just think what you have to look forward too! When you now stress out over an email...you can later stress out over kissing!

[happy_snapper]

Just gained a hell of a lot of respect for my younger sister.

I noticed that I haven't seen or heard about her boyfriend for quite a while, but seeing as she has been insanely busy with her studies, I guessed that he'd dumped her or they were taking a break. I didn't ask because... well I thought it might be a sore point.

Overheard a conversation between my older sister and a friend: She dumped him because he basically wanted her to choose between him and her studies. She chose her studies.

She was really into him, her first love, that kind of thing. I seriously thought that if a situation like that popped up, she'd drop everything for him. I remember that they were talking about marriage last year.

 

She knows what she wants and isn't going to let some guy get in the way of that.

 

My little sister is brilliant

[zentoCC]

Wow, she sounds amazing. I'm not sure I could do that in fact I know I wouldn't, I let my studies slide whilst I was with my ex big time. She's definitely a great role model! I wish I could be as strong as her, you'll have to ask her what her secret is.

[happy_snapper]

Wow, she sounds amazing. I'm not sure I could do that in fact I know I wouldn't, I let my studies slide whilst I was with my ex big time. She's definitely a great role model! I wish I could be as strong as her, you'll have to ask her what her secret is.

 

I think she's just a very rational person. Also I think she looks at our older sister as an example of what can happen if you don't get good qualifications and push yourself (harsh but true). She recently passed 3 years since she lost her job. She's been trying to get back into work, training, all that, but she's got practically no qualifications, no experience, a long period of unemployment and she doesn't push herself enough.

 

Her ex has no intention of going to university, but she needs to

[happy_snapper]

Why am I letting myself get so worked up about a person who I hardly know?

 

I was thinking about things I'd like to say to her, but I kept finding myself thinking "No, that sounds desperate"

Then I realised that that's the problem, I am desperate. I'm desperate to know what's going on.

 

I've mentioned all the times that she's replied to an email and I've felt lifted up and things don't look so hopeless. But it's so... difficult.

By the length of time between her replies, I get the impression that she's got a really big list of priorities and I'm right at the very bottom. It's been 4 days since I last emailed her. Still nothing back.

BUT, the contents of her replies tells me that I am at least on that list. Her emails are chatty, funny and she always asks at least one question, even if it's just "How's your week been?" If she doesn't want to talk to me, she's got a weird way of showing it.

 

I feel like pushing her while she's in the process of moving back in with her mother, being a friend's bridesmaid, selling most of her furniture, looking for a house, holding down a day job and a Saturday job... would be... unthoughtful. But I feel like it's "my place" to do some gentle pushing if I want anything to go further. I feel like if I completely leave her alone to get on with everything, I won't have the slightest chance once things are more stable.

 

Also I remember her saying that things should be less crazy at the end of the month (that's next weekend, for those of you without calendars). Maybe it's time to ask her if she's got plans for the weekend...

Maybe if I'm a bit more direct, then maybe she'll let me know where I stand.