Musings of a boring nerd

[happy_snapper]

I sometimes wonder if I'm too cynical. For example I look at threads like this and actually get slightly angry. Those sort of concepts just feel like "Treat yourself like a child". I'm not going to bad-mouth another forum member, so I'll stop there with regards to any particular thread. (If people don't see concepts like that in the way I do then fine, good for them. If they do see it in the same way, but don't see anything wrong with treating themselves like children, then also, fine, good for them)

When people tell you to "Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you're interesting/confident/good looking/etc.", how is that supposed to do anything? If I know that I'm lying to myself, why is it going to make me feel any better? When an adult lies to a child, the child believes them because they don't know any better. When an adult lies to another adult who knows differently, they never believe it however often they hear the lie.

 

"Looking at yourself in the mirror trying to pump yourself up... It's come to this has it. The last shred of respect I had for you has just stood up and walked away in disgust."

That's closer to how my talks with myself would go.

[happy_snapper]

I just read back through the journal so far.

I felt like writing something witty, but my god, what can you say to sum that up?

 

Life is like a box of chocolates, but every chocolate is the same and you don't like any of them.

 

I don't know if I should keep going with this. I keep getting an urge to type something, but I regret it every time I look at what I've written.

[happy_snapper]

People of the peterj86 household rejoice!

Dad's gone to work for the first time since he was hit by that van in November.

Still not seen a penny from the insurance company.

[happy_snapper]

I wish I knew how to interact with the world.

Everything that seems simple is complicated.

Everything that seems difficult is really simple.

Everything that I should worry about I ignore.

Everything that is perfectly normal freaks me out.

I either blow everything out of proportion, or run away and hide.

Things that come naturally to everybody else are completely alien concepts to me.

I let people that I don't like walk all over me.

I keep people I do like at a safe distance.

I see things wrong with myself and make stupid lies to cover them up.

I defend other people, but feel I deserve everything I get.

I believe what people say about me unless they're complimenting me.

There's always something wrong if you look hard enough.

I literally dream of interacting with normal people in a normal way.

I turn interesting things into routine.

Self esteem is something that happens to other people.

[happy_snapper]

Some members of the SA group are going to a theme park next week. I was going to go with them, but I found it impossible to ask for the day off work and so I can't go now.

They would have let me have the day if I'd asked for it, it's a near certainty, all I had to do was send an email.

Nope. Can't do it.

 

While they're having fun, I'll be in work as usual. It's no wonder I'm burning out.

I'm such an idiot.

[meoww]

Hey there, I was just reading your thread and wanted to reach out. There was a post where you said something about how you can't justify propping up your self esteem with lies, the way parents sometimes do to children.

 

Self-acceptance isn't about overlooking one's flaws, in my opinion. I think it has more to do with having love and compassion for yourself despite them.

 

Reading your posts, I just felt like you really lack compassion for yourself. You may not be who you want to be, but who you are is who you are. Maybe you can't change that, and if you can't, then it is better to come to terms with it sooner rather than later.

 

I think you find it much less paralyzing and scary to get out of your funk and get moving when you realize that. Maybe the worst case scenario has already happened, but you're still here, nothing catastrophic has really happened. Most of the hardship, pain, and negativity originates from within you. Your environment is actually sort of neutral, you just place value judgements on things like productivity, etc.

 

I don't agree with lying to others or to yourself, but sometimes the truth isn't so bad either.

 

Realizing how mundane and ordinary my problems are is really helping me get through a rough time. I feel much less overwhelmed and panicked, and I am finding that I think more clearly, make way better decisions, and I feel generally more successful in achieving my goals.

 

What's works for me isn't necessarily going to work for you, but I feel like I'm slowly developing healthier thought patterns that are in turn influencing my decision making.

You might want to give it a try. Try to be an independent thinker, try to free yourself from your imaginary restraints and you'll see who you really are deep down. I really wish I could articulate this better!

[happy_snapper]

Thanks for taking a look.

"Realizing how mundane and ordinary my problems are is really helping me get through a rough time."

Unfortunately, I do this too, but it just makes me even more depressed that I can't get over ordinary, mundane problems.

Rather than "This is nothing to be worried about, you can do this."

It's "Why are you worried about this? It's NOTHING! Stop being so stupid."

And it feels like things are getting worse recently, EVERY decision feels like life or death.

 

I think I just don't understand myself. I've done a lot of thinking over the last couple of days (hence the decrease in depressive moaning) and I don't know, it's like I'm always looking for permission to do... anything.

It's like I need somebody else to give me permission to do what I want, plus I find it awkward to ask for permission. The fact that I want something doesn't count, somebody else has to say it's ok. I think it comes down to responsibility. I've never taken responsibility for myself and so inside I know that I have no control over my life. I owe everything to other people, they don't owe me anything.

I wish writing about it would help, but when I'm writing I've taken a step back. I disconnect from everything and think about myself like I'm somebody else. Then when it comes to make a decision, I'm back to my same old self.

 

I think it also comes down to laziness, I've got it too good and I don't want anything to change. But at the same time I'm miserable and I want to change everything.

The more I think, the more confused I get. It really is like I'm trying to understand somebody's else mind rather than my own, nothing makes sense.

 

I said that I was thinking of quitting this site. I see lots of good advice, but I don't know how to apply any of it. I feel like I'm becoming an annoyance.

I think the problem is that I'm looking for solutions, not advice. "Try to be an independent thinker, try to free yourself from your imaginary restraints" is decent advice, but for me that's a goal. After 26 years of always having somebody telling me what I should do, I don't know how to think for myself. I look back and remember times that I must have thought for myself at some point, but I can't remember how they happened.

How do you become an independent thinker? It's an alien concept to me.

[happy_snapper]

Ha, I just remembered why I haven't joined any meetup groups.

Just went on there, clicked on a local photography group, clicked join.

"Tell us about yourself"

No problem saying what kind of photography I like, what camera I have, etc.

 

"Bio: Describe yourself"

 

I stared at that box for 5 minutes. It's mandatory, I can't sign up to the group without putting something in there. My mind is completely blank.

"I'm a socially retarded freak with no friends. PLEASE LIKE ME!" probably wouldn't make the best first impression.

 

I have absolutely no idea how to describe myself, even just a few words. I eventually closed the page in disgust. Again.

[happy_snapper]

I finally forced myself to stop being so ****ing stupid. It took 20 minutes but I filled out the form.

So after having a link removed account for about 6 months, today I've actually allowed myself to sign up to something. I wonder how many months it will take for me to go to one of the meetups.

They're going to a country house on Saturday, but I'm sure I'll do something (or not do something) that will mean I'll have to stay at home like every other Saturday.

[meoww]

It was hard responding to you when I'm not totally clear on all this stuff myself! but, to a certain extent if you can rise above the need for approval it becomes easier to think for yourself. I guess one question I have for you would be whether or not you think your unhappiness stems from letting your ideal self down, your parents down, or if you feel overwhelmed by comparisons to peers, mentors, highly successful people, etc. It can seem simpler to ask for permission because you subsequently secure social approval or a sense of belonging when you complete a task or adhere to a value or social standard. It's a very comforting system, until you get off track and start to feel like you are falling behind or no longer belong in some sense. I might know where you're coming from when it comes to needing permission. At first it feels disorienting and unnatural to exercise your own judgment when you aren't used to doing it.

 

...and I was thinking, if you feel like a lot of your issue is that you don't do the things you say you'll do, then you might be dealing less with distorted thinking and depression, and more with just kind of having a hard time breaking a well-established cycle of bad habits. I don't want to rehash a bunch of advice you have probably already heard though. It might really be that simple, in some ways. I think it's really important to get to sleep early (before 11 even) and get plenty of rest so that you have the energy to break the cycle. You could start breaking that cycle through developing a personal hobby that has no relation to your career, that way there is no pressure. Something you really have enthusiasm for, and don't expect to master, just purely for entertainment. When you find yourself doing something new consistently, you might be inspired to make more changes in your life. Exercise, if you currently have the self-discipline, would also be another thing to add to your routine for mental clarity, energy and more positive reinforcement. Other practical solutions to establish better habits would probably really benefit you. You could ask someone to physically pull you out of your room to get you to go running or whatever it is you want to do, or hire someone like a therapist who you can ask to sort of 'assign' you tasks with a set deadline. It seems really awkward, but it would get the job done and it would only be temporary, just until you get the ball rolling. Maybe you just need a little support until your anxiety calms down a bit and you get used to being self-motivated. It can be tough when for most of your life all you have really had to do is follow rules established by other people and institutions, like schools and parents.

 

If you think that might be the main problem, I would suggest that you also refrain from overthinking. Even if you are sitting around not being productive, don't allow yourself to think about all the things you should be doing. I am beginning to do this, after I became desperate enough that I could force myself to stop doing it.

 

It's understandable that you feel anxiety about your accomplishments and goals as you get older. But we're just going to keep getting older and the stakes are going to get that much higher as people buy houses, start families, get promoted, finish school. I think it's totally fine to be intimidated by that. I think realizing that people from our generation are just going to get more powerful is in itself a powerful motivator. There will probably be a breaking point where you just feel like you have to put yourself out there before your life passes you by.

 

Glad you responded. I really hope I could be of some help, even if it was just to listen. All the best!

 

Maybe you could challenge yourself to spend a year not thinking about the past, whether it's yesterday or a year ago. That might be a way force yourself to really live in the moment. Hey, maybe I'll try that myself!

 

Good luck with your meetups! Progress...

Maybe it'll help motivate you in some way.

[happy_snapper]

Thanks for all that. It was amusing reading this at about 1AM and seeing "I think it's really important to get to sleep early (before 11 even)". I didn't have the energy to reply then ( I have no idea why I was still on the computer). It's my mid-morning coffee break at work now, so I don't have time to fully reply. I just wanted to respond to a few bits.

 

I've been going to the gym a couple of times a week for over a year and I do feel a lot better for it. Also people have noticed a difference. I initially started going because I thought it might be a good place to meet people, but nobody talks to each other in that place.

Hopefully the photography can become a hobby, something a little different.

 

The biggest problem I've had in the past is that I never use something new to pull me out of my rut, I just pull it in and it becomes part of the rut. I think that I choose activities that are too 'safe'.

I've got a feeling that the meetups are going to be different. I've made a decision to start doing things and saying yes more often.

 

 

When I try hard enough, I can stop beating myself up and I know that I'm not as bad as I make out on this forum. Generally I only come on here when I'm in a bad mood. When I get into a self-destructive mood, I refuse to remember the good times and all the negatives scream at me.

 

The other thing I wanted to say, was that I'm thinking of leaving the SA support group. Something that my mum said got me thinking and I don't think it's actually going to help me a great deal in the long run. It's too safe and I feel like I need to be stretched a little more. I think I'll go tomorrow anyway and this time I'll say yes to going to the pub afterwards.

[meoww]

Well it really sounds like you have it pretty good, to be honest. I almost feel stupid for writing you in the first place. In any case, there is no need to justify anything to me either way, I don't judge. Did you end up going out?

 

What's your social situation like? Do you have a few close friends but not a lot of casual aquaintances? I'm not too familiar with SA, but on this thread you've been very friendly toward me, and if that's you in the profile pic it would seem like you shouldn't have any issues in terms of appearance. Just curious I guess.

 

Anyway, I'm around if you want someone to listen!

[happy_snapper]

When I'm in the mood to believe it, I know that things are actually pretty good.

Things are feeling good today. I'm pretty sure that it's partly because (for the first time in ages) I'm actually looking forward to the weekend. Usually its just two days of boredom and I'm glad to get back to work, where there's something to do.

This weekend I actually have some plans. I've put my name down for 2 events this weekend with the link removed photography group: a trip to Tyntesfield (link removed) and a big (over 30 people) social lunch at a restaurant in the city centre. I don't know a single one of the people going, but I'm not worried about it.

 

The session (and invitation to the pub) I mentioned in my last post is tonight. I'm still at work at the moment (my job involves lots of short periods every day where there's nothing to do, so I come on here a lot). Yeah, I post entries to this journal at all kinds of odd times and it makes things a little hard to keep track of. At the moment I'm not sure if I'm going to go or not,

 

Regarding friends, I'd say that I don't have any close friends, but lots of acquaintances. I used to have friends, but I've let them drift away.

Social Anxiety is weird. Most people have it at some point in their lives to some degree, some have it a lot worse than others. Generally you could call it a fear of social interactions. For me, it means I'm always subconsciously worried about what people are thinking about me. I worry that people will think that I'm strange or boring, sometimes before I even meet them. I worry so much that a lot of the time I just give up and avoid people, so that they won't be able to find out that I'm strange and/or boring. I worry that during a conversation I won't know what to say, or I won't be able to say anything, or I'll say the wrong thing, or I'll act the wrong way... And constantly worrying about things like that, is one of the best ways to make your mind go blank during a conversation.

Over the last few years I've pretty much given in to the fear and cut myself off from as many social situations as I can, so that I don't have to worry about it.

I may not have a social life, but hey, at least I don't have a social life.

 

By the way, if you're willing to listen, I've got a bottomless supply of talk.

[happy_snapper]

The meetups were both good.

This is going to sound really stupid, but I forgot how well I get on with people generally. I just felt like I fitted in.

 

I had a tiny victory at the one this-afternoon. Usually, if I have a question, but think that the answer is obvious or that it isn't a "normal" question I just.... can't ask it. Even incredibly trivial things, I just sort of stay clear of the subject and hope that somebody else asks first. e.g. I can't ask for directions, especially if I think it's a place I "should" know, I just wander around until I find it or give up.

 

Three times today I... well, I didn't hesitate where I would usually hesitate indefinitely.

#1: At the bar, looking at the beers that they brew on the premises, not sure which to buy. Are you guys ready for this, hold onto your seats.... I asked if I could taste one of the beers! It's stupid, but I'd never usually ask, I'd just pick one randomly.

#2: I forgot the name of somebody who I met yesterday. My usual tactic for this situation is to keep my ears open and wait until somebody else asks, but his time I just asked. You know, like a normal person would.

#3: OK this one is more complicated. I was going to get some food. There were two menus: a normal menu and a Sunday lunch menu. The food I wanted was on the normal menu.

Now, did the fact that there was a Sunday lunch menu, mean that it's the only menu for Sunday lunchtime, or was it simply a menu of things they do in addition to the normal menu. I didn't see where the normal menu had come from, the Sunday ones were on the tables. Either seemed likely to me. How do escape from this dilemma?

I went up to the bar and asked.

 

Three things that I can't imagine anybody even thinking about. I can't imagine most people even thinking that there was a decision to be made in these cases.

The thing is that even though I didn't hesitate, I still felt uncomfortable (which is why they stood out enough for me to remember).

 

"Could I have a taste of the pale ale?"

"I've forgotten your name...? Dave, Yes. Hi again Dave..."

"Is the food on this menu still on, or is it, you know, just the things on the Sunday menu?"

 

What did I expect to happen? How could anything about those three questions... I don't know... upset somebody?

[happy_snapper]

I wonder why I'm a quivering wreck in my head, but when I actually get into a social situation I'm not too bad. I've been thinking about my behaviour at the meet-ups last weekend and I was... well I wouldn't use the fabled C-word, but I wasn't very shy.

I know things are never as bad as I think they're going to be, but recently (in the last couple of weeks), I keep finding bits of my personality that don't match the way I think of myself.

 

I need to meet more people!!!!

Time to give the "Social Fun Optimists" group a try

Maybe I should. Maybe I'll discover that I'm not a misanthropic, boring pessimist after all.

[happy_snapper]

I'm so distracted at the moment. I feel like things are changing and I can't take my mind of wondering what's going on, planning what I should do next, etc.

 

Tentatively put my name down for a camping trip in May, with another meetup group. Camping with strangers is fun.

[happy_snapper]

Having second thoughts about that camping trip, I don't know if I can handle it.

 

And so it begins again...

[happy_snapper]

I know why I'm not sure about the camping trip.

I mentioned it to my mother yesterday and she didn't like the sound of it. I needed... confirmation I suppose. But I didn't get confirmation, so now I don't feel right about it.

And that's the reason I never do anything interesting and never will. I went to the photography events last weekend, but only because when I mentioned them to my mum, she thought it sounded good. I was "allowed" to do that.

About 2 weeks ago she mentioned that she didn't think I needed to go to the social anxiety group and that I'm capable of doing more than I think I can. What did I do? I instantly bent to her opinion and I decided I wasn't getting enough out of the meetings.

 

How did I manage to go to that camping trip in 2011? I know she didn't like me doing that, but somehow I pushed on and enjoyed myself.

I think I must be going backwards. My personal development peaked 2 years ago and it's been downhill ever since. 4 days camping with some internet people is the best I'm ever going to manage.

 

You may as well turn back to page 1 now. The never-ending cycle seems to be starting again.

[happy_snapper]

Oh my god I was in a bad mood yesterday

[happy_snapper]

Well, ignoring last Thursday, things have been feeling a lot better recently. Been to a couple more meetup events, met a couple more people, still not been publicly humiliated (or whatever it is I'm worried about).

It's like... now that I've been able to push myself into doing a few things, it's gotten easier to do other things and the future doesn't seem so empty.

Wait, does this mean... some advice I got on the internet was....

 

[insert dramatic music here]

 

...Correct?

 

Actually, let's not ignore last Thursday. It wasn't really too bad considering what I have been like. Looking at the couple of posts I made, it's obvious that I hit a slight bump and decided that the world was about to end. I think that's partly just the way I am and partly because I'm only a couple of baby-steps along.

 

I got back to the people organising the camping trip and put my name down. My mum is worried about it, but she doesn't want to stop me (and accepts that I'm nearly 10 years too old for her to have a say in the matter). She wants me to do what I want, but she's also my mother and therefore worried about my safety. Hiking accross Dartmoor and camping out, considering the weather we've been having and the fact that I've never done it before, is a scary prospect.

[Realitynut]

Oh NOOO...it's not a scary prospect...it's an EXCITING prospect! lol

 

I wanted to comment on your mother not wanting you to go to the anxiety meeting, cuz you "are capable to do more than you think you can!" Of course you are capable...but the key word is "think" you can. At this point you think you CAN"T...so don't let MUM stop you from doing anything. It sounds as if she's supportive, but highly protective!

 

I'm suppose to go camping with my meetup in 2 weeks...for 2 nights, but gonna only do one. And kayak...which i have never done. I'm only going cuz i like one couple from the group. If it wasn't for them...i would chicken out. I hate doing things 'alone' in a group. So when you said camping with strangers is FUN...i was like...WHAT??? lol

 

Plus...I left my tent with ex...so I'm sleeping in my van...lol...with my dog, a chihuahua!

 

I just saw you had left a post on a thread i had mentioned meetups....and thought I'd say HI!

 

I'm old...and people would think i'm very outgoing...which i am. Especially one on one. But i hate being alone. HATE. And alone in a crowd really sucks. I like being a 'couple' and i haven't been a couple for 2 years.

 

So it's all about forcing yourself out of your comfort zone...which would for me be sitting here writing on ENA!!!

 

Welcome to ENA....and have a good time on your meetups! You are doing GREAT!

[Realitynut]

Oh...wanted to say I went to England in 2006 and LOVED the southwest...and Dartmoor! Blimey...lol....fun!

[happy_snapper]

I kind of meant that it's scary for my mother. I just have my usual anxiety that, because I have no experience of it and I'm camping with people who do, I'll embarrass myself in some way.

That worries me more than hypothermia at the moment. Damn, I'd be so embarrassed if I died of hypothermia.

 

I like camping with strangers. There's so much time to get to know people and because you're isolated from the rest of the world, you get them all to yourself. I find it hard to concentrate on people when there's so many other things going on around.

Plus if you really don't get on well, there are more places to hide the corpses... I mean there are less witnesses... I mean... um... The camping atmosphere is usually more friendly and people seem to get along well.

[Realitynut]

aaahhhhh... i got it now!

 

If you can sit around a campfire and make idle chit-chat....that's a very big DEAL! Pats on back!

 

One guy that i'm suppose to be kayaking and camping out with....i met him for the first time last week. He was so full of himself. Constantly talking about eating 'good' food and working out. I was dieting and only drinking water. He said 'good for you'...um...like i care...lol

 

Then he was irritating me so much, at the end i slid off my chair and he gave me the once over.....especially at my butt...and exclaimed "you have possibilities'.......ugh.

 

I left. But i wanted to say, "you don't"!!!!

 

And i'm gonna have to share a campfire with HIM???? Maybe there WILL be a corpse to hide...

[happy_snapper]

Yeah, there's always "that guy". Somebody who seem to have been created with the sole purpose of making you feel uncomfortable. I find it very hard to deal with them.

 

I kind of touched on my favourite camping tip back on page 1 of this journal. It was back in 2011, I met up with around 20 nerds from another forum that I frequent, for a 4 day camp in the Lake District. For somebody like me it was very scary: 1) I didn't know any of them IRL. 2) There were only a few that I "knew" online. 3) I had an anonymous online persona that I'd been able to hide behind and this was showing these guys the person behind that name.

 

I was pretty quiet for a while after I arrived, but we soon started talking. People seemed to find me interesting because I was the oldest one there (about 3/4 of the group were students). Then the booze started flowing...

I woke up the next morning on the ground next to the camp fire, huddled together with 2 other guys, in the middle of a neat circle of beer cans, with one of those full-head horse masks on a stick watching over us. The true sign of a fantastic evening.

It was the most enjoyable 4 days of my life. Oh the memories. The in-jokes. The moustaches. The "American" accents. The terrible terrible songs.

 

A some point during the last year I'd forgotten how good a time I'd had and how capable I am when it comes to interacting with people. I'm not great, but I'm generally quite likeable and I can hold a conversation. I think I had a couple of setbacks last year and they pushed everything good out of my memory.