Musings of a boring nerd

[happy_snapper]

Going here: link removed with the photography meetup group tomorrow. Should be good.

Weather's going to be **** though. When I look at the forecast, I like to pretend that the huge blue blobs on the rainfall map indicates blue skies. "Look at that, bright blue skies all over the region tomorrow!"

[happy_snapper]

Being ill is terrible for me. I get too much time to sit and think.

What the hell am I going to do with myself?

 

For years now I've had this plan of moving out and living alone for... I don't know, lets say a minimum of 12 months. I think I need to be forced to learn how to take care of myself. If I moved out and shared a place with some other guys, I'd be distracted and I'd just end up depending on them like I do with my family now. Of course, housemates won't put up with that kind of thing.

 

But could I actually do it? What would happen to me if I lived alone? Would I be able to handle it, after 27 years of having everything done for me?

[Realitynut]

Never know til you try! I think it would make you more self-confident KNOWING that you can take care of yourself! I feel living with your parents is dragging you down....you still are feeling like a 'kid' and not a 'man'!

[happy_snapper]

"You've been working on [stuff] for [company X] haven't you?"

"Yes"

"Well they've just said that they're merging with [competitor Y]. We need you to drop it and move on to [completely different project A]. Steve needs a hand with [something I've never heard of]."

"What shall I do with [the stuff I've worked on for two weeks solid]?"

"Archive it... Flush it down the toilet, basically. The project's dead."

 

I love being told that I've been wasting my time.

 

Time for lunch I think. Sausage and bacon roll, with tears-of-frustration sauce.

[Realitynut]

Well at least you're eating!

[happy_snapper]

Last night I was reading in the kitchen, mum and my older sister were watching Escape to the Country (a daytime TV show where they help a city-dwelling couple find their ideal house in the countryside).

I didn't hear the start of the conversation, but I heard mum say something along the lines of: Dad is getting too old to take out another long-term mortgage, the only way we could move to a better place would be for me to take out the mortgage and they'd live with me.

 

You know when you can picture how the future is going to go and you feel incapable of stopping it. Everything's going to be arranged for me and I'll just go along with it.

In 10 years time I'll be living in my parents house, although my name will be on the mortgage so I won't have any way to escape, I'll still be alone, I'll still be controlled by other people, I'll be even more bitter about my poor excuse for a life.

[Raiden]

In 10 years time I'll be living in my parents house, although my name will be on the mortgage so I won't have any way to escape

Legally, it will be YOUR house. Your parents will be living with YOU.

 

In any case, I don't think living with your parents - whoever's name is on the mortgage - has anything to do with your independence, or lack of. There's no shame in it, and I don't see what difference it makes to how in control of your own life you are. This whole idea that unless you're living on your own by age X, you're not an independent adult, is a very American way of thinking. Britain so easily assimilates cultural ideas from the US, both good and bad. But in other cultures it's considered perfectly normal for "children" to be living with their mums and dads into their 40's, even if they have their own lives and successful careers and whatnot.

 

...Just an alternative way of looking at things. Take it or leave it.

[happy_snapper]

Yeah, that's the ticket, just go along with everything everybody else wants me to do, there's nothing wrong with it.

What's the point in trying to fight it, when I know I'll just give up in the end anyway.

 

What's the point in going to these meetups, I never actually let anybody get to know me properly. I don't think I'm actually capable of making friends.

What's the point in trying to do anything? Eventually I'll give up, which makes all the effort pointless.

 

Why not just completely give up now and save time and effort for all concerned.

[happy_snapper]

Mum: "You've been miserable for days. What's the matter?"

Me "Well..."

[happy_snapper]

On this day in 1986 a cute little baby boy was born. There isn't much to say about this baby, he was pretty much like any other in most respects. He had two loving parents and a one-and-a-half-year-old sister (who thought he was a pet monkey). He was named Peter.

 

In the years that followed he turned into a boy with a thirst for knowledge and an affinity with computers, which made him stand out in the generally crap school he had to go to. He had friends, but always felt a little different. In a place where every boy dreamed of being a world-class football player, he dreamed of going into space and/or being a scientist.

When Peter was 8, his parents had another little girl. Peter would have preferred a brother at the time, but Lucy turned out to be a lot of fun anyway.

When the time came to leave primary school and start going to the local secondary school, his mother made an important decision. The school he would have to go to was designed to stamp on dreams and show the estate-kids what they were allowed to achieve. Instead, his mother and father kept Peter and his sister at home and educated them by themselves.

 

What Peter would have become if he'd gone to Withywood Secondary, nobody knows. But to get an idea: three boys he went to primary-school with have since served time behind bars, one for attempted murder. Another friend survived the process very well and is now a motor-mechanic (not to be sniffed at, but there is so much better out there). One kid literally didn't survive the process and was found dead at the age of 15, after years of bullying became too much.

 

At the age of 19, Peter became the only person in his family (even the extended family) to go to university. He studied a niche area of computer science which suited him well.

But socially he felt stranger than ever. At home, he was the only university student around; and at university, he was the council-estate kid from the wrong side of the city, with the council-estate accent to match. This, and the fact that he was the only person he knew that was still living with his parents, made him feel different and isolated. He shied away from interacting too much with other students, because he felt embarrassed at being so odd.

He didn't let it bother him too much and after two years things were generally going well.

 

For the third year of his degree he worked a 12 month internship with a major semiconductor manufacturer. Now that was what it was all about!

One day he was sat at his desk, work was going well, he was joking with the IT guy who sat at the next workstation, planning out the work for the rest of the week... and he suddenly realised: "So this is what it's like when you find where you belong. This is what I was born to do."

That year was probably the best year of Peter's life. He was doing what he wanted to do, with people he liked, for a real company, with real customers, it counted towards his university grade and he was being paid for it!

When the 12 months was up, he was told that due to company restructuring it was very unlikely that he'd be able to get a job with them once he'd graduated. It was a shame, but there were plenty of other companies out there.

 

The final year of Peter's degree was possibly the worst year of his entire life, partly because of the contrast with the year before and partly because it was really ****.

University was uninspiring and boring after spending a year in the real world and Peter's grades started to suffer. After all the work he'd put in, stress and apathy nearly cost him everything. The work seemed pointless and contrived and he just couldn't be bothered to do any of it.

 

One day he was told by his tutor that due to failed exams and poor quality essays, he was now on the knife-edge between the lowest grade (I can't remember if "grade" is the right word, but it's close enough) and complete failure.

UK bachelors degrees have a number of grades: (from best to worst) 1st-class honours, 2nd-class honours (split into 2 tiers), 3rd-class honours and "ordinary degree". Everybody obviously aims for the best and large quantities of students achieve 1st's or 2nd's. With the job market the way it is, graduates with the second-best level of degree have trouble finding work because there are so many. How is somebody with 5th best ever going to get anywhere? That is, if he actually finishes with anything at all.

 

Peter walked home that day (even though it was 10 miles and he usually got two buses) in a state of shock. There was no emotion, just a complete sense of hopelessness. In a few months he'd thrown away years of work and he couldn't afford to try again. All he'd planned had slipped out of reach due to a lack of effort. How was he going to tell his family. He stopped on a bridge and watched the cars passing below.

"Would it be better for everyone if I jumped off here?"

After a few minutes of thinking about the effect it would have on his family (and the people in the cars) he continued walking.

"Well, seeing as it is my fault, I suppose I could punish myself by continuing to live."

 

After months of extra work, Peter achieved an ordinary BSc. He felt ashamed at not getting an honours but relieved that he had something to show for the previous 4 years (and the debt). Graduation day came and finally things felt ok again. He was with his friends again, all in robes and silly hats and it felt worth it. During the ceremony he caught a glimpse of his mother with tears of pride in her eyes. Her son, her little boy, had graduated and was the highest qualified person in the family. She didn't care that he was among the least qualified people on that stage, he was on the stage. The (extortionately priced) framed photo of Peter in his robes and silly hat was shown to every relative that his mother could find for months.

 

A couple of months after graduating, he went to a job interview with a tiny software company. Would they ask what his final grade was? What would happen if somebody with a better degree was going for the same position?

"I noticed that you worked at Broadcom for a year. Did you meet Paul Cox at any point?"

"He was my manager."

"Ah, we used to work together about 5 years ago in a different company. I'll give him a call. If you're good enough for Paul, I expect you're good enough for me..."

 

3 years pass and Peter's still working for that tiny software company. Not long after his 3rd anniversary of joining the company, he found a site called eNotAlone.

Not long after that, exactly 27 years after he emerged into the world, he sat down at his computer to write about a few parts of his life. It took a while, but it turned out ok.

 

 

 

 

I wonder what happens in Chapter 2...

[Realitynut]

I'm sure Chapter 2 will be even more promising!!! Kudo's for graduating....my boys didn't....

[happy_snapper]

Thanks Dr. Carla.

That reminds me, you said that you'd look at that chart I uploaded two pages back. What do you think? Am I pregnant?

 

People have started noticing that I'm not acting my usual self. I'm trying to hide it, but it doesn't seem to be working.

When I was at church on Sunday, an old friend came over,

"Hi Pete. I haven't spoken to you for a week or two. How are you?"

"Yeah, I'm ok thanks."

"...No... no you're not, are you."

We arranged to meet up away from everybody else and talk properly about it. That's tomorrow evening. I feel like I need to talk properly to my parents before then. I mentioned that I talked to my mum about what was making me miserable, but I didn't really tell her everything. I said that living where we live was making me miserable, but I didn't say anything about living with them and the stuff that goes with it.

 

Going to the gym tonight. Need to wake myself up a bit. Plus I said I'd meet somebody later tonight if the sky clears to do some astrophotography.

 

Upfest is starting up. I'm meeting a chunk of the photography group there on Saturday, the weather is supposed to be better by then. Should be good.

 

My life seems to fluctuate rapidly between nothing to do and having no free time.

[zentoCC]

I've just read your journal, yup nothing to do on a Saturday night.

 

You really seem to be making progress. Although you talk negatively you act positively. I think I could learn a lesson or two from you!

 

I bet chapter two will be brilliant!

[happy_snapper]

I think I just get frustrated with myself. I think about all these things I want to do or say, but I don't have the will power or the balls to do anything.

 

I've been thinking about moving out on my own for years and on Friday I had a long chat with an old friend from church, who agreed that I need to get out.

I decided that I'd tell my parents when I got home that evening.

I didn't.

That night I sat in bed thinking about it and decided to tell them in the morning.

I didn't.

I spent most of Saturday out of the house, but when I got back I had the perfect opportunity to talk about my plans.

I didn't.

I took the whole family out to the beach on Sunday. I spent hours with them, talking about all kinds of things. I could easily have brought it up at any point.

I didn't.

Yesterday was a bank holiday and I spent all day at home. At some point Mum asked me about something financial (my savings account rate or something), it was the perfect opportunity to direct the conversation to costs of living and then towards me moving out. We were already talking about serious stuff, now was the time to do it!

I changed the subject to cars, then dogs.

 

All I need to say is "I've been doing a lot of thinking recently and I think it's time for me to move out on my own." It's that simple. 21 words. I'm not saying that I hate them, or that they're terrible parents. But I can't do it.

 

I don't know how many times it's been in the last couple of years, that I've had the words formed in my mouth, then found I can't say anything.

Like yesterday, mum was on the computer looking at clothes, dad was reading his kindle, sisters were out of the way. I stood there for... I don't know. 5 minutes? 10 minutes? Three-quarters-of-an-hour? Trying to talk.

I knew exactly what I was going to say. I knew they wouldn't take offence, I don't think it would come as a surprise at all. But I couldn't say a word. I literally stood there in silence for a several minutes, then walked away.

[Realitynut]

could you write a letter....and leave it on the table ......as you run out the door???

 

or accidently on purpose leave your computer open to this page...and put it on the kitchen...with a note beside it saying....READ THIS!!!

 

Or you could have a friend that maybe you have confided in....and they could tell them.

 

OR you could send me their address.....and i could spring it on them gently....

 

YOUR SON NEEDS A LIFE>>>>>AWAY FROM HOME.......AND HE CAN'T BRING HIMSELF TO TELL YOU>>>>>>

 

but he loves you still......

 

yep. simple.

[Realitynut]

BTW...i remember the day i told my parents i was leaving. lol..I've told the story many times. A friend of mine was moving out. I had just got my first job...and my first paycheck. It was burning a hole in my pocket.

 

I told Dad that i wanted to move out and live with Joni.

He said, "you move out...you're never coming back"

 

I said, "Don't worry, I won't"

 

We had a great relationship.

 

And i wonder why i don't have one now....lol

[happy_snapper]

I was going to talk with them about it last night, but Mum's so stressed with Lucy at the moment, it doesn't seem fair to spring this on her as well.

But it's like Richard said on Friday, "There's never a good time. If you wait, something else will happen."

 

I'm going to go halfway.

Just sent an email to Mum (I'm at work right now):

Hiya mum

You know how bad I am at talking about important things. There's something I've been thinking about that I've wanted to discuss with you for a while, but never got round to it, what with one thing and another.

Please remind me when I get home.

 

I've sent it. It's gone. I can't change my mind.

 

 

[zentoCC]

Good luck! Hope it goes well!

[happy_snapper]

Thanks guys.

 

Got a reply.

O.K. Pete

IT BEGINS!

 

Just posted this in another thread:

You know that feeling when you knock over a domino, the first in a long line of dominoes...

And that line of dominoes very quickly turns a corner where you can't see it...

And you have absolutely no idea what's around the corner...

And you can't shake the feeling that somewhere out of sight, the dominoes eventually lead to a huge bomb...

 

That's how I'm feeling right now.

It appears that the second domino has fallen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Realitynut]

Maybe instead of a big bomb...there will be beautiful fireworks!!! lol

 

Now don't go and chicken out when you get home...promise???

 

I remember at the end of my ex-fiance's relationship (he went and got another woman....) i wrote what i wanted to say on a piece of paper...letter actually....because if i 'talked' i would get emotional...or it would escalate into a fight or some dam thing. If i 'read' what i thought and wanted to say, i wouldn't get as emotionally out of hand...lol

 

But then again...you need someone to stand behind you....encouraging you....pushing you....whispering in your ear...don't turn back now....it's only the beginning....

 

Sure it's scary. Sometimes you will wonder if you made a mistake...but from now on, they will be all YOUR mistakes...and your Goals...and your victories....you will grow...and learn and be FREE!!!

 

I'm so excited for you...please don't be nervous and back down...be BRAVE! *hearty pat on back*

[happy_snapper]

I didn't chicken out.

 

Said what I wanted to do, Mum voiced her concerns about renting, we looked at a load of websites, I now have a plan.

I'm going to save up for 2 more months, whilst looking at apartments and talking to banks and then I'm going to try to buy my own place. She also pointed out that if after 2 months I find that I still can't afford to buy a place for some reason, then I can still go and rent if I want to, but with more cash in my savings account.

 

I think I can do it.

 

I've put up with it for this long, what's 2 more months? I just have to make a solid plan and make sure that I stick to it.

Lots to think about.

[Realitynut]

ooooohhhhhh...I'm so excited for you...i actually CRIED! yep...one tear is rolling down my cheek right now...

 

Your first big step.....now the rest will be easy....a PLAN! YAY!

[happy_snapper]

Thanks Carla

I'm really excited too. I'm trying to savour that excitement, before it turns into pants-****ting terror and stress.

 

I feel like I should be worried, but I'm not.

 

It was strange talking to Mum last night. I came in from work and she was playing solitaire on the computer, my sisters were upstairs dad was at work.

At first I didn't say anything in particular. Said hello to the dog, who was confused about why she got wet every time she walked outside the house (in the way she does every time it rains). Sat down next to mum and started annoying her, like I always do when she's on the computer.

"Put a card on another card! Yeah, like that! Now keep doing that until you can't do it any more. We're such a great team!"

She finished off the game and silence fell.

 

I could tell she was waiting for me to start explaining what the email was about. She wasn't going to remind me.

 

"I saw that you got my email earlier..."

"Yes"

....another questioning silence...

"I've been thinking for a while and I think it's time I moved out and got a place of my own. But I don't really know what I'm doing."

"What did you have in mind?"

 

It was strange. I have no idea what I expected, I knew she wouldn't be angry. I was kind of expecting some emotional stuff, but there wasn't any at all. She just turned on Practical-Mother-Mode and started explaining things.

Knowing the way she shows emotions, I think she is a little worried about it, but not too much.

 

I still haven't talked to dad about it at all. Going by the brief conversations we've had about it in the past, I think he'll be quite happy.

[happy_snapper]

I feel quite strange actually.

I remember this feeling, I've had it before. I feel purposeful.

It's the difference between counting off days until I die and counting off days until my life starts...

...except it isn't.

It's hard to describe. Usually there would be the feeling of "I can't wait until..." but I don't feel like that. There's so much to do right now, that really it's already started.

 

I'm going to tell Colin at church (the only other person who takes care of the various sound and video equipment) that I'm not going to be around much longer. I think he'll be annoyed but will try not to show it. Not as annoyed as the people who will have no choice but to talk to Colin about the A/V stuff...

Colin is... a character.

It will be sad to say goodbye to everyone, but then again, the area I'm looking at is only about 5 miles away, so I'm sure I'll come back from time-to-time. I could easily continue attending every week, but I want to get away. I'm not actually going to be leaving for months yet, but I want to start cutting ties as soon as possible.

[Realitynut]

hahahaha...you're only going to be 5 miles away...and you want to be cutting ties!!!

NOOOO....unless you really WANT to of course....

 

But that will just make you feel MORE isolated! Is he the only one you are cutting ties with...and is it because you have wanted to do it for a while...and just didn't have the nerve...and this is the 'push' you needed...and do you like my run on sentences....i do love my dots!

 

Purposeful! yep....and then it becomes over-whelming...lol

 

I'm thinking your mom KNOWS that eventually you would want to move out of the house...and 'grow up' and become your own person. The inevitable happened, and she didn't freak out! YaY!

 

And dad wants you gone...lol....so he'll be supportive. I hope you feel like a weight's been lifted off your back, cuz i know you felt responsible in someway for helping take care of your folks!

 

And buying your own home, instead of RENTING...now that is AMAZING!!! (i also love CAPS)

 

I'll come help you decorate! tee hee.....ok....support system then....