Musings of a boring nerd

[happy_snapper]

Just found out that the camping trip was fully booked externally from the meetup group and I'm not going.

I was really looking forward to that

 

That's really annoyed me actually. The person I've been talking to, said to come along to one of their group's socials, but I don't think I can be bothered now.

[Realitynut]

WOW...your camping trip sounded like a blast! What good memories. But as i was reading it, i was thinking....all the next camping trips will NEVER live up to that one experience. Sorta like meeting up with a gorgeous woman, and a night of wild fantastic sex....and never see her again. Just a memory... albeit a good one.

 

Sooo sorry the camping trip was filled! What a letdown.

 

Ohhhh Sweetie..you can go to that other person's social....sure it probably won't be as much fun, but it will be getting you out and about!!! And that's what this is all about, isn't it? Leaving our comfort zones?

 

Hey...you're just bummed at the moment.

 

Don't bypass this next opportunity cuz you're 'grumpy'...lol.....hey, be glad you were invited to go somewhere!!!

[happy_snapper]

Yeah the 2011 camp did set the bar a little too high. We went to the same place last year and it was good, but nowhere near as good as the year before. The weather wasn't as nice and a couple of key members of the '11 group couldn't make it.

Still fun though, definitely had its moments. I discovered that roasting chocolate-covered raisins on a camp fire works much better than you'd expect (I ran out of marshmallows), getting them on a stick is a pain though. I also discovered that drinking little bits of everything that gets passed around a camp fire circle is a bad idea (IIRC: vodka, tequila, Jack Daniels and port), especially on top of a couple of cans of beer. Hiking the day after that wasn't pleasant.

 

Right now I'm not sure about the social. I think I'll give it a miss this time, there will be others.

My sister really needs some help with some of her work for college and she isn't getting any from anywhere else (e.g. from the people who are paid by the college to help her). Tomorrow might be the only chance I'll get to help her finish a couple of things, before they need to handed in.

That group is a bit daunting anyway. It seems like the only vaguely accessible things they do regularly are various water-sports and I can't swim.

[happy_snapper]

Why can't I shake off the feeling that I'm going nowhere. I've been doing stuff, but I still feel so trapped and optionless.

Like there's this huge world out there with so much to enjoy, but most of the time I'm too busy doing stuff that I don't really want to do. I want to do it all, but I can't.

There's always something holding me back, or making me hold myself back.

[happy_snapper]

My sister got an extension for her assignment hand-in, so I don't need to help her tonight, so there's no reason not to go to the Explorers Connect drinks evening.

 

Dammit, I just knew this would happen. Just when you think you can rely on somebody to give you an excuse, they let you down.

[Realitynut]

hahahaaha...last night i was suppose to go to my second line-dancing class. I was running late cuz...well...i'm always running late. Was suppose to get my hair washed before i went...and didn't get that done, so i almost thought of that as an excuse.

 

But then went with icky hair. Then i thought my tire was almost flat....but when i went to get air...it wasn't flat afterall....so i proceeded on...

 

Then i forgot the directions, and i was looking all over for it. Just when i was going to 'give up' and go back home....there it was....

 

I was so darn late, that the first dance was going. It was hard and i just sat out. Which didn't bother me one dang bit. They wanted me to join, but i said i'd rather watch.

 

I did some later. I am soooo bad at it, it's embarrassing.

 

Do you know what line-dancing is over there? It's not as popular here as it once was.....dancing steps in a line to country music. My minds shot.

[happy_snapper]

I did a bit of line-dancing, god knows how many years ago. I must have been about 16 so... 10 years ago? Blimey.

Yeah, I was volunteering at a local community hall and they'd got somebody in to teach some steps. I went to set up the sound system for them and got dragged in.

"We're going to start with something simple to get us going. Who here doesn't know the Macarena?" A couple of hands go up. "I notice that our sound man didn't put his hand up..."

 

It was quite fun as far as I remember.

 

Just got back from the Explorers Connect thing.

I felt really out of place, but it wasn't too bad. Everybody there have done lots of interesting things and I felt seriously boring.

There was a really interesting person giving the talk. She's been everywhere, done everything, raised tons of money for loads of charities. Oh yeah, did I mention that she's blind?

 

Yeah, it was interesting, but I don't feel very enthusiastic. Everybody seemed so much more capable than me.

[Realitynut]

Tell me about it. I can't wait to go kayaking and that camping trip in two weeks...and be the most 'incapable' one there!

 

Once you do a few things, you'll have stories to share also....i mean..heck...you already did on here! Maybe they won't be impressed by the circle of beer cans tho...hmmm.

[happy_snapper]

It just felt like the kind of things those guys are into are completely different from anything I've done.

Listening to one guy talking about his solo trip to Mongolia, with a badly made map that nearly got him lost.

Listening to someone else talking about helping at an orphanage in Mozambique.

Talking to another guy who organises expeditions for a living. He's flying to northern Russia on Monday to tidy up some details for a polar expedition, then flying straight to Peru to start laying the groundwork for an Andes trip. "Have you ever been to South America?" "Uh, no... I've never got around to it." I didn't say "No, I've never left the UK" because I felt like the room would go silent and I'd be thrown out.

 

I felt really uncomfortable for practically all of the evening. They were nice enough, but I just didn't feel right there at all. Like I'd rowed into an expensive marina in a tiny rowing boat and tried talking to yacht owners about their multi-million-pound boats and comparing them to my leaky pile of driftwood.

 

With the photography group, I own a camera, I understand cameras, I'm not too bad at taking photos. I felt part of the group straight away. I just don't have anything in common with the people at Explorers Connect. I'm not an adventurer and never have been. Maybe one day I will be, but until then I think I'll try other things.

[Raiden]

If it makes you feel any better, the furthest any human being has ever traveled is only around 240,000 miles away. In astronomical terms, that's like getting out of your chair and walking to the edge of the room.

 

There's probably an advanced alien race out there who are laughing at all of our traveling accomplishments. Including those guys who go off to Mongolia on their own.

[happy_snapper]

If Sir Ranulph Fiennes stood in a bar full of intergalactic travellers, I'm sure he'll feel similar to how I felt last night.

[Realitynut]

LOL...your post made me Laugh out Loud...I know the feeling...again!

 

I USUALLY feel insecure around attractive women...and men. Accomplished women...and men.

 

well...there goes half the population!

 

My van is beat up, my house needs paint...everythings a mess...but hey, at least i got wheels!

 

I did go to England...so I have ONE brag! Saved for YEARS! lol

 

But really, you probably ARE out of your element there...just being a realist!! hahahaha

You want a group that makes you feel COMFORTABLE in your own skin and surroundings...not like an alien.

[happy_snapper]

Went to another one of the photography group socials. Somehow the conversation went from cameras, to politics, to twitter, to copyright laws, to model trains.

 

Got a new idea for a project to use some of the stuff I bought for the shelved robot thing.

A motorised timelapse rig.

Time to start overthinking, burning out and giving up

[happy_snapper]

I seriously need to get out of here.

[Realitynut]

huh???? Why??? You were keeping me entertained!

[happy_snapper]

Because I find myself getting more depressed the more advice I read.

I write things that make sense when I start writing, but don't by the time I've finished.

I ask questions that I know the answers to.

 

And people say things like: "what positive qualities do you have that you can offer as far as being 'you'? I'm sure you have tons to list." Sitting down, trying desperately to think of something good about yourself is depressing.

 

Do you ever fell like you're stumbling through life with no idea what's going on, no idea what you should be doing, no idea what you'd like to be doing, no idea what's expected of you, no idea of what you're good at, no idea what you enjoy doing... Just a feeling that you could be doing so much more.

 

I feel like this site can't help me, but I can't stop coming here for advice.

 

Plus I keep reading my older posts and seeing how little things have changed.

3 months ago I wrote

"What makes it worse, is that I think I was feeling exactly the same this time last year. My life doesn't change and the years are ticking by."

Anything changed since then? My days are still entirely controlled by other people. I still haven't had a serious financial conversation with my parents. I still feel like practically every day of my life is mostly wasted. I still don't have any friends. I'm still immature, disorganised and dependent on other people to do everything for me. I still care too much about what other people think of me. I still overreact over every little thing.

I'm still exactly the same as I always have been. I say I'm going to try to change, I make an attempt, but I give up on everything before I start.

I lack everything. No ability, no experience, no charisma, no willpower, no imagination, no drive, no self-confidence, no self-esteem.

 

Is that a little too depressing?

OK, here's a picture of a puppy wearing a hat and scarf.

image removed

[Raiden]

And people say things like: "what positive qualities do you have that you can offer as far as being 'you'? I'm sure you have tons to list." Sitting down, trying desperately to think of something good about yourself is depressing.

image removed

 

You are not alone, etc.

[happy_snapper]

I'm rehearsing lines in my head for what I'm going to say to my parents about how I feel about living with them. I wonder how many times I've done that in the last two years.

I know how many times I've actually said any of it, I could count them on the fingers of one foot.

[Realitynut]

LOL....see...you could count " i am extremely humorous....even tho I'm depressedly depressed!

 

I never heard of 'counting the fingers on my foot! ....good one.

 

Well...I'm off to work..or I'd write more.

 

If it makes you feel any better...I'm 58 (sheesh...for a minute i couldn't remember how old i was!!) and feel the same as you! My life is at the END.....yours is still at the beginning.

 

Here's one for ya! I started talking to a guy on pof about 7 days ago. I contacted him first, because he said he liked state parks...and was just average looking...which means BETTER than most.

 

Last night we talked on the phone for the first time. I talked WAAAY too much, as usual, and told him about 'my life'....oh no............he finally cut the convo short, and said he was gonna ride his motorcycle with his friend.

 

Last night he canceled his pof profile.

 

I could go on......and on.....

 

Please stay. There are people who only write on their journals....and nowhere else.

 

Heck...i like to give advice....but i don't take it! eh.

 

We'll encourage you along the way....i've been on here for TWO years cuz i can't get off!

 

BTW...thanks for that pup pic. I have a chihuahua and i just bought her a life jacket when i go kayaking for the first time this weekend! lol....she hates water. She hates boats...and she's gonna HATE her life jacket! lol...I'm so mean.

 

Take care Peter.

 

Carla and pup

[happy_snapper]

I've just been though my journal and roughly guessed what my mood was like when I wrote each entry (on a scale of -10-10, where 10 is "just had sex with a beautiful woman" and -10 is "I suppose pills is the least messy option...")

 

Open excel...

 

image removed

 

Is this normal?

[Realitynut]

Unfortunately...i let guys dictate my moods....and since i don't have one at this point.....pretty low. But when one might be promising on the horizon...it spikes! Do i realize i shouldn't let 'men' set the tone for my moods...of course. But there ya go...it happens.

 

Gotta go to work. But will analyse your chart later....

[happy_snapper]

Unfortunately...i let guys dictate my moods....and since i don't have one at this point.....pretty low. But when one might be promising on the horizon...it spikes! Do i realize i shouldn't let 'men' set the tone for my moods...of course. But there ya go...it happens.

 

Gotta go to work. But will analyse your chart later....

 

Thank you doctor

[Realitynut]

Yep....that's what they call me...Dr. Carla....lol

[happy_snapper]

I wouldn't say no to you giving me an examination.

 

[Realitynut]

See??? Look at how much self-confidence you're getting!!!