Musings of a boring nerd

[Realitynut]

I'm gonna try.....it keeps saying upload failed....argh.

[happy_snapper]

Another way to do it is to use a hosting site. I like link removed

1. go to imgur
   
2. click upload from computer
   
3. choose files
   
4. click start upload
   
5. wait for upload
   
6. copy the BBCode link from the list on the right
   
7. paste into forum
   
8. bask in the splendour of your uploaded artwork
   

[Realitynut]

heheheeh.....actually it was a picture of my dogs butt as she was going down some rocks! lol

 

Thanks i will try that. It kept saying my images were too big. ugh.

[zentoCC]

If your image is too big, go on paint and shrink it.

[Realitynut]

 

 

I did it!!! It's good to have smart friends!

[happy_snapper]

This is my little dog

 

image removed

 

My tip for pet portraiture:

Get a man to stand behind you with food.

[xyeah28]

Cute dog!

 

Or make a weird sound to get their attention lol that's how I take pictures of my dogs.

[Realitynut]

Mine always looks at me adoringly!

[happy_snapper]

I hate the way my moods seem to cycle.

It's like I wake up, spin the wheel...

"Today, you are going to be.... Lonely"

 

Sometimes I feel like I just wake up feeling a particular way and it's stuck. Nothing can pull me out.

[Realitynut]

Since the ex dumped me, I've never felt energized in the morning. Every day is a chore to get out of bed....and since I'm self-employed and don't work til afternoons...i usually don't get up before 10. I just get up whenever i damn well please! But sooooooooooo many times, i feel like....dang this feels crappy this morning. Then i step foot outside, and i'm soo pissed that i slept the whole morning away, cuz it's so dang darn beautiful outside.

 

Now when winter comes....i can sleep til NOON!

 

Peter. You're bummed cuz you have nothing to look forward to. Like me, you are lacking in motivation. When i'm in love...i am so darn motivated. I can clean, plant, sing and dance.

 

Without love. Blah.

 

Tonite my guy buddy and his 12 yr old granddaughter and I went and watched some hot air balloons 'light up'. It was cool and the temperture was 72 degrees. I don't know what that is Celsius...but it's PERFECT. That was at sunset. Got some nice pics with HIS camera. Now that i know how to post pics........lol

[happy_snapper]

I just sent an email to a therapist/counsellor. I need some help.

I've tried loads of times in the past, but I've always deleted the email instead of sending it.

I'm not sure what will happen now.

[Realitynut]

You made the biggest step. When i was seeing my counselor, i always showed up for my appointments. But after a year or so...either she was gone on vacation, or i was ....lol...anyway we didn't have a few appointments set up...and so i quit going. Her office also moved accross town. So heck...i quit going. And i didn't have anything more to say. Don't know if it helped. Hell...i talked just as much to HER as i do my customers!

 

Just make sure you go. One thing Peter, it's hard to find a therapist that you 'click' with. Someone who will listen and give good advice! Good luck sweetie!

[simplexity]

not sure but i like reading your journals most of it I can relate but still don't understand why you feel depress , you seem to kinda have it under control .. just keep being the good person you are and to your family.. writing

[happy_snapper]

Depression isn't something that's easy to understand. Depression doesn't need to have a reason.

I'd say that the cause of mine is the fact that I feel completely inadequate, in every way, all the time.

After years of comparing myself to the rest of the world and not measuring up, my mind has just given up trying.

 

I'm good at giving the impression that I have stuff under control, but I regularly find that I'm "unable" to do something I want to do. I feel restrained by myself and others every day.

I love being with people, but I've never learned how to connect with them. I feel completely alone most of the time and I don't see it getting any better. Nobody understands me and nobody would want to.

[happy_snapper]

Picture time!

image removed

[simplexity]

I understand what you are saying but I think all humans feel the same way as you do ..we are all imperfect and feel not good enough ..

WE see others and think they are different , just ry to read here at ENa most of the threads, if not all of them , sound exactly what you're saying too ..

Thing is we try to correlate happiness from not feeling depress.

You know what's the similarity of both of them? they are both exist in our minds.

We literally can choose to feel happy in the same way choosing to feel depress about things .

It's really is a constant battle , and you're not alone in that .. everybody is having their own battle in life , it's really a matter of how to shift your perspectives and instead of looking at what you're lacking , i'd suggest each day you try to write down things that you are thankful for it might be as simple as having a job to support your family financially, being strong enough and smart to be able to comprehend things, etc. etc .. Being grateful is a big help in trying to combat you're mind or your emotions from getting the best of you.

Always remember you're free to feel anything , you are the driver of your own life, and while reality might be hard to deal with and events are sometimes out of our control, we can or you can control how you will react .. there's always a positive and negative in every situation , even it's the worst situation you can think of example, you're not financially free to live on your own at the moment, positive : you get to be close with your family and be able to support them ; negative : you want freedom .

Please try to always look at the positive sides and you'll get the habit of it take care

[happy_snapper]

I want to reply to that but I'm not sure how I should do it. I've heard it all a hundred times before.

 

Have you ever suffered from depression?

[simplexity]

I know what i said above sounds like a cliche to you but it is often what most people said because its the truth .

Did I feel depress? Depression is a normal feelings for me and id say for every human beings for that matter ..there are days that i wake up feeling so afraid ..feeling not good enough ..i have those days..evry single days ..but i chose not to dwell in it and try to shift my perspectives on my blessings and keep battling my emotions from getting the best of me in any circumstances.. it's not an easy task ..it is a struggle but it it makes it easier and nake me more grounded ..im not perfect..i have loads of imperfections..the only difference is i have accepted them and try to work on things i can control and somehow im better and feel better in general..

 

If you think about it ..the effort ur exerting in being depress and in trying to feel not depress will almost be the same only that the result or outcome of feeling better is much way far from staying lowly ..what are your strengths as a person?

[simplexity]

And if i may add ..i was even to the point of commiting suicide before to end things that was about 3 years ago ..so have i suffered depression? You bet i do

[happy_snapper]

I don't understand what you mean by being depressed taking effort. Being depressed makes me shut down, it takes no effort.

I hate this bull about it being a choice. I didn't choose this! Why the would I decide that I want to spend my entire life being all an my ing own while everybody around me gets on with their lives. When I spent years trying to be positive and hiding my feelings of inadequacy and trying to fit it, it made me feel worse. When I gave in to the fear I just hid away, it's the easy option.

 

If I'm exactly like everyone else, then why can't a just control my thoughts like people have told me to do a million times. Apparently I should be able to control how my brain works, but I've never worked out how. Why can't I make a list of positive things about myself? I could try, but I'd feel like I was lying. I have to add at least an equal number of negatives to the list, or list things that sound positive but aren't. It happens automatically, I don't consciously think "Actually,I'm going to do the opposite of what I've been told to do" My brain won't let me see anything positive about myself. Maybe I'm just being a silly little boy making excuses.

 

There's no silver lining, it's all just all the way through. What's the point of pretending things are ok when you know full well that they aren't. Lying to myself just makes me feel pathetic.

 

Yes I've got a lot to be thankful for, so that makes me an ungrateful bastard as well. Add that to the list.

[simplexity]

No one said it's easy ..everyone ...unless u know anyone who at one point in their life never feel depressed.

I did not say being depress is an effort u take what i meant was how u try to deal with it will take effort.

Point is, no one else can help u with this unless you make that effort to help yourself.

Psychiatrist, friends, family or even me can only tell u so much but it still ypu who will decide for your own fate.

Taking actions in tryong to combat your depression no matter how little or small the actions u think is will still help u a lot in the long run..it's like climbing stairs with 100 steps on it..looking from down below sure would give you creeps and it sure will tire you a lot that you either would want to give up climbing at the peak or take that one little step each time...none of what i said is bull..and no i dont take offense for that..i said them because ive been there and i know how it feels and i sure know when i said that it all boils down to me or myself to be my own hero

..

Sure , you're right about being depressed is automatic..i do feel that too even now..but it doesnt have to control my being ..it doesnt have to control you..you can choose to try to fight in no matter how little ur actions maybe..just thinking of positive thoughts...make that a habit..a habit is something u can learn ..its not easy ..it will take time..but it will make u a better person.

Stop comparing youraelf with how u see other people, just like you , they have theie own struggles they are battling with ..some dont even have food nor shelter ..you are considered blessed to still be alice..make the most of your life..again , you are your own hero..no one else can do that for you..take good care of how you see yourself..you sure are a lot better than what ypu think you are

 

Ps : pardon my wrong spellings..having hard time time using my phone in typing this

[Realitynut]

Depression comes in many degrees and forms. I've had it but it was situationally induced. Had many 'smaller' bummed out/depression feelings. But only one where i totally shut down.

 

I made it to my counselor, i had been going weekly, and she was surprised i made it. If i didn't have an appointment, believe me...i would NOT have made one. She took me outside just to walk. All i remember that day is putting one foot in front of me...and doing it over and over.

 

Peter sent an email to a therapist. First step...and a big one. Peter...please do the next step and GO. I know it will be hard. And a long haul. Maybe meds are the way to go for you. They weren't for me.

 

I'm BPD. You know what that makes me in the minds of others? CRAZY. Guess what. I don't act like this around anyone other than my boyfriends. And i can go off the deep end in a nano second. Don't do this with anyone else. Do i wish i wasn't like this? Sure. But wishes are just that....

 

Understanding we have a problem, is the first big step. Living Day to Day and being your best self is the next.

 

Peter, I know you have moments you feel better about yourself, than other days......Hope today will be better!

 

Now on to PICTURES! That last pic you posted was GORGEOUS! Did you like the pic of my dog butt?

 

[Realitynut]

Depression isn't something that's easy to understand. Depression doesn't need to have a reason.

 

TRUE!

 

 

Nobody understands me and nobody would want to.

 

NOT TRUE!

 

Your fam loves you and your ena fam loves ya too! You do have a certain way....with words....and just think when you're feeling like sh*t.....the camping trip when you bonded with all those 'cool' kids...and when those punks picked on you...i think about your car....and your 'new' friends all stuck up for you!

 

Remember....your girl friend (name escapes me!) CHOOSES to hang out with you. Your camping friends enjoy your company!

 

And i care....ya little sh*t you!

 

So you just remember that when you're feeling like you're worthless!

[happy_snapper]

Thanks Carla

 

On Wednesday during lunch I spoke to another counsellor, a guy called Jason, and I arranged to meet him last night after work. I got a bit impatient waiting for an email back from the first person and I thought that I'd chicken out if I left it too long.

Of course I then got a response back from the first person and arranged to meet her tonight. I'm not entirely sure why I booked both, but they were both offering a free introductory 30 minute session, so why not? I suppose I'll have to choose which one (if either) I'm going to continue with.

 

So I went to see Jason last night. It was ok apart from the fact that I was really late. I hate being late. I told him a bit about myself, he explained how he usually works, he asked me a couple of questions, we both moaned about the amount of traffic in the city...

We only had 20 minutes (by the time I sauntered in it was 6:45), but he seemed ok. It was really strange telling somebody about this kind of stuff. I'd spoken to people in the support group before, but not like this.

 

Well, I'll let you know how I get on tonight with Carrie. Then I'll tie myself in knots trying to decide who I go with.

Of course, by then I'll have booked another 20 introductory sessions with other people throughout next week. Maybe I could just continue like this! Free counselling, a different counsellor every day, half an hour at a time.

Although maybe that wouldn't work so well.

 

 

In other news, I may be entering a couple of photos into a small exhibition.

[happy_snapper]

POST #250! WOOHOO

 

Just thought I'd say that before somebody else comes in and takes it.

 

I suppose I should actually have some content in my 250th journal entry (ok they're not all my posts, but I don't care)...

I'll regale you with a surprising story.

I bought a special edition peanut butter kitkat chunky to go with my lunch today:

 

 

But to my horror and disgust, I discovered that said chocolate bar may contain traces of peanuts!

 

 

Here's a picture of my face, demonstrating the horror and disgust I experienced when I discovered the sickening truth about my peanut butter flavour confectionery.

 

 

Then I remembered that I'm not allergic to nuts.

So it was a happy ending after all.