Musings of a boring nerd

[happy_snapper]

Re-booked the snowboarding lesson for the Sunday after next. So much easier on a weekend.

 

I mentioned it to my counsellor yesterday and the entire session turned into a discussion on why Thursday night was so...emotional. This is what we think:

 

First there's the build-up of frustration, being stuck in traffic when I have to be somewhere (I can't stand being late).

 

Add to that the fact that I have a problem with blaming myself and not being able to let go. It was my fault that I had to go home first and get stuck in the traffic.

 

Then when I got home I had to make a choice: Cancel, or go along anyway.

I could have still gone, but I would have been a bit late, maybe missed the start, somebody would have to go through the stuff I'd missed, I'd hold up the rest of the group, everyone would hate me...

Social anxiety.

Or I could cancel... ie. give up on something I want to do, because I can't handle the social anxiety. You know, the same thing I've been doing for the last 10 years: hide from the world and hope it will go away.

 

I decided to cancel. I was tired, hungry and frustrated. From a practical point of view, it was the right choice, I needed a break and there wasn't time for one, but in my head the main reason that I cancelled was actually the social anxiety. And I thought I'd changed, I thought that I had grown out of hiding. It felt like a step backward and I couldn't handle that.

 

Next time will be better. Hopefully the weather will be better too.

[Realitynut]

And now you realize that it was actually a GOOD thing you canceled!! I would have gone, been late, held up the group...and everyone would be talking about me behind my back! YUP. Happens ALL THE TIME!

 

Glad you are going next weekend. Hope the weather is better. Snowboarding would scare the hell out of me. Skiing was hard enough! lol At least you are standing NORMAL with 2 feet side by side going forward.

 

Course, i was never a skate boarder either...or roller blader...or...

 

It sounds as if your counselor is doing a good job! You are sure on the 'fast track' on becoming the new and improved 'Peter'....!! YAY

 

Just don't forget to keep up posted. I do so enjoy your bits of news!!!

[happy_snapper]

Somebody said that I should start a journal and I thought, why not do it online? I considered making a rule of posting regularly, but I don't see the point because I won't keep to it. This will be an as-and-when thing, posting when I think something, or (less likely) do something notable.

 

This time next year I can take a look back and see what's changed (I can dream, can't I)

 

Well, a year has passed. Shall we see what’s changed…

 

1. I’m not living with my parents any more!

That’s the really big one. I didn’t think I could do it, but I did. I found a place, moved out and started living how I want to (even though I don’t really know how I want to live). Been here for about a month now and I’m getting used to it.

 

2. I’m getting out more.

I went to more places in 2013 than I did in the previous four years combined. Plus, I did these things with friends rather than my family.

There was the carnival, the balloon fiesta, the kite festival, 2 solstices at stonehenge, night-walks, camping, visited 3 country houses, bonfire party, countless pubs and bars…

And I’m meeting people, instead of seeing the same people (some of whom I never really liked) all the time.

 

3. I’ve found a hobby (which only slightly involves computers)

I’ve found that I’m actually quite good at taking pictures. I’ve got a flickr account with over 250 of my best photos on it and I don’t care that I deleted several thousand that weren’t as good. I don’t even care that I’ve thrown away an entire day’s pictures occasionally. For some reason I don’t mind not being perfect.

 

4. I regularly visit a counsellor.

Something I’d never done before. I consider this a big step forward in thinking about the way I think. I’m not sure if it’s helped me make much progress yet, but I’m getting better at thinking things through and talking about problems rather than ignoring them. We spend a lot of time reviewing recent events and try to work out why I reacted the way I did.

 

5. I’m happier

Although I still occasionally have a depressive spike, I’m generally feeling more alive than I did this time last year. Back then, I went to work in the morning, went home in the evening, then killed time until it was time to go back to work again… for years. I feel like a different person. You can tell by that quote from my first post, that I didn't expect anything to change over the last year.

 

I wonder what the 2015 version of me will have to say...

 

 

 

[Realitynut]

I'm only allowed 4.....lol

Congratulations Peter ! What a difference a year makes!!!!

[happy_snapper]

... busy busy busy busy busy busy

 

Yay! My internet is sorted! Halle-YouTube!

Been doing stuff. Loads more stuff happening.

I went walking on Sunday. Met up to go climbing yesterday, but it got cancelled and we played cards in the pub instead. Dinner with 37 people tonight. Board games Thursday. A photography challenge on Saturday. Snowboarding Sunday...

Got to get changed now. Bye!

 

busy busy busy busy busy busy...

[Realitynut]

My GOD PETER...you are making my head SPIN!!!!!

 

 

 

How the heck did you go from living at home, and now a man about town...lol???? Geez....I've gotta follow in your footsteps! First i have to find some friends......

[happy_snapper]

I think meetup makes it easier. There are just so many groups around here. I just went to the front page and tried to count the number of groups in my area....

You know you can put in your location and search for groups within a radius: within 10 miles of me there are 37 groups, although some aren't really for me (such as the Bristol & Bath Gay Naturists group)

Within 25 miles: 194 groups.... 194!

Some people say that meetup doesn't work for them, because there aren't enough groups in their area, I don't think I have that excuse. I don't have any excuse.

 

There's always something happening and I want to do some of it. Now I've started doing things, I want to do everything, and there isn't enough time to fit everything in. And it's crazy, we're only in February, I don't know how I'm going to cope in the summer when we can do outdoor events as well.

 

 

I was also a bit curious yesterday and took a look at POF. I didn't realise they let you search without signing up. I wanted to see how popular it is with 25-30yo ladies in my neck of the woods.

It's popular.

I'm not going to sign up to that site yet. There is such a thing as "going too fast".

 

I feel like I'm trying to do all the things I didn't do between 2008-12, all at once.

[happy_snapper]

Yesterday was a good day.

Left the house late, but the roads were quiet so I still got into work early.

There was loads to do and I felt really productive.

Left the office a bit late and then remembered I had the board games night to get to... starting in 30 minutes.

Then realised there was no reason to go home first and just drove straight there. Arrived early at the cafe/bar, got a coffee, read my kindle, existed...

Noticed a guy setting up tables at the back of the room and realised the people were starting to arrive.

Played some games, chatted, ate homemade pizza... went home.

Reactivated my spotify account. Listed to some music. Made toast. Listened to more music.

Remembered that it was Thursday and that it was 5 to midnight...

Went to bed.

 

Just a simple, straightforward day, where I feel like I did exactly what I wanted to do.

I remember literally thinking "I feel happy"

[Realitynut]

Yeah Peter...that's how i 'met up' with you on HERE! lol....talking about 'meetup'.

 

So then i started following your journal since day one...like a little puppy!

 

I am invited out with these women to have a boardgame night, cards or hiking for this weekend. The thing is...hardly anyone is going! Like i'd be the 3rd person, and i don't know the other 2 that well. Plus it's really cold, and WINDY today. And....how many other excuses can i come up with to stay home!!! lol

 

So, over a year ago i joined the hiking/adventure group. Which is usually walks and the adventure of going to a movie! lol We're older folks!

 

But a lot of these folks then branched off and joined a kayaking group...which i had a lot of fun in last year. Met a girl i really like...and my one guy buddy! I really don't like large groups...and kinda glom onto one or two people i like!

 

Then a woman from the hiking group...made an off shoot for 'women 50+'. We've gone out to eat lots and has been fun. This is the group that is suppose to get together this weekend at a Camp. We are suppose to spend the night if we want...but i hate sleeping someplace else....without my pillow and bed...plus i snore.

 

Hey....I think i've thought of enough excuses not to go now!!!!! Plus i'm working on my house. I live in a victorian house built in 1890. I just got done tearing out plaster out of the upstairs hall and redoing it...and painting. The bathroom has been torn up for a YEAR....

 

Ok...should stay home and work on that....ummmm....and....the dishes need to be done.

 

So I'm good. Staying home! hehehehe...you have fun Peter! POF...ugh...I'm OFF of that...for now....enjoy! Have i mentioned lately how proud i am of YOU!

[happy_snapper]

Went snowboarding... I came home with everything intact except that tiny shred of dignity I had.

 

My god was I bad at that. Absolutely no balance, the guy would tell me to do something and my legs had no idea how to it.

You know the worst bit? I was the oldest person in the group. By quite a way. In fact I was the only adult. I'd say the next oldest was about 15.

The majority of them were better than me.

 

It was sort of fun, but more painful and frustrating than fun really.

So painful.

[itsallgrand]

Peter, no worries. The first time I went downhill skiing I got caught in the lift. No really. My scarf (mistake number one) got caught in the lift and they had to actually stop it. I was dangling like a bird from a cats mouth by the neck.

 

And I'm still not good at skiing downhill, snowboarding, nor skating....even after many valiant efforts.

 

You win points in my book for doing it. It's hard not to respect a good sporting spirit. You might just think I'm saying that cause I suck myself....but really....there is something irresistible about someone willing to go for it even if they keep falling down.

[Realitynut]

Try skiing next time! Snowboardings for the KIDS...lol Adults SKI!

 

I know, the first time i got off the chair lift i fell. But at least i wasn't dangling by my scarf!!! hardyharhar.....

 

Tomorrow i'm going to Chicago to look at tile with a gf i met on a meetup....and my sis...to go look for tile.

 

Now if that ain't exciting....I don't know what is!!!!

 

Hey, Peter...at least you only lost your dignity...you coulda broke a leg!!!

[happy_snapper]

Yeah I might give skiing a go some time.

It was one of those "You never know until you try" things. Never done it before and I've met loads of people recently who love it and thought I'd give it a go.

I was there for 2.5 hours on the short practice slope, thinking I'll be happy if I make one run without falling over... didn't do it. I could see some slight improvement, but not a lot.

 

The best moment of the evening was when the youngest kid, I'd say about 8-9ish, was supposed to be carefully sliding down edge-first, but slipped, pointed the board nose-first down the hill, shot down the hill at full speed, kept his balance, hit the safety net, tumbled into a heap at the bottom, sat up, two thumbs up, "wooooooooooo!". The instructor said it was a perfect run, apart from crashing into the net.

 

Glad I've tried it now, but I don't think it's for me.

Off skydiving tomorrow...

(joking! joking!)

[happy_snapper]

Exciting times in the office. The landlord wants our office space back and said that we need to move. Either we move to an area of the building of their choosing, or we find somewhere else with a landlord who will put up with us. We aren't very good tenants when it comes to paying rent (historically, this was because our old CEO needed to go to the Caribbean occasionally, and the money needed to come from somewhere).

 

So we're relocating at the end of next month... to the other side of the building. We went for a walk round to see it, a little company outing. It's only about 10 meters from our current offices, but the building is shaped like a split ring and we're on one side of the split, they're on the other. So it's a 2 minute hike though corridors... Gonna be fun when we have to move our equipment.

 

Our current offices look like they were last decorated 20 years ago.

Our new space looks like it was last decorated 50 years ago. It's obviously a space they can't rent to anybody else.

 

But it's cheaper, and we're going to get it refurbished in the next couple of weeks (We've been promised a kitchenette. With hot and cold running water!!!!!!!). And it doesn't seem to be rotting (better than our current space) and we get a view of the park, instead of the cemetery. And there's a disused recording studio on the other side of the corridor if we think the sales director needs a stretch in solitary confinement (sometimes he's just a bit too Welsh).

 

It's strange to think, I've been at this desk for my entire full-time-working life. I finished university, found this job, sat at this desk and just got on with it, for 4 and a half years so far. People have moved to different rooms, people have joined the company, people have left the company (one person joined a bit after me, left last year, and then started back again yesterday), but I've just worked at this desk.

It'll be a bit weird moving, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. I'm not that attached to my desk.

[Realitynut]

Oh, i thought maybe you were taking the desk with you!!

 

Ah....after you get all your entertainment under your belt, learn how to do all the 'outdoor' activities. Get your house all decorated...and have money to spare (HA!) you can maybe decide 'job hunting' would be a nice thing to put on your list. I know...not right now...but in a few years.

 

After all...you FINALLY left that church you were chained to.....

 

[i would insert witty signature...if only i knew how.....]

[happy_snapper]

Yeah. I can't see myself working here forever, but it's good for now.

 

I was trying to think of a new signature, I'd had the other one for a long time and it wasn't very funny.

"[insert witty signature here]" isn't the best either...

 

Maybe a quote from my favourite song instead...

I kind of wish I could put a youtube link in there

[happy_snapper]

Poor Amy. She started back on Tuesday after about 10 months of absence. (She was made redundant when the company was going through that really bad patch last year, then lost her new job a few weeks back, just as we were looking for a new administrator...)

 

I came into work this morning, went straight for the coffee as usual, found her scrubbing the fridge. "I was going to put my lunch in here...ugh"

In the time she was away, the office has been entirely populated by men. You can call gender-stereotyping, but well... she was lucky there weren't any open fires or cave-paintings. Not a lot of cleaning happened in those 10 months.

 

"Yeah that thing always has been a bit of a health hazard. I don't use it for anything other than milk."

"Well somebody does. Look at this tub of custard!"

An opened pot of ready-to-eat custard had been pushed to the back and had an impressive mould collection growing out of it. There was also a definite smell of fish coming from the fridge, although I couldn't see any.

 

"Has this place been cleaned at all since I left?"

"Yes, actually. For one thing, I vacuumed the floor in my office."

"How many times? And when?"

"I don't really remember. Kind of...August/September sort of time..."

"Ugh...You're one of the cleanest people in this office, and you disgust me."

 

Well that's charming.

[Realitynut]

I never clean out the fridge. Oh....maybe once a year! Amy wouldn't like me.....

[happy_snapper]

haha, but do you leave opened food in there for months until it's ready to walk out on it's own?

 

Had a bit of a strange weekend. Took my dad to hospital for an operation on his shoulder early on Saturday, first time I've had a reason to be up early on a saturday for ages. It was a really nice morning and driving back home after I'd dropped him off, I saw that there was a really photogenic mist in the valley to the left of the road. But I'd left my camera at home, so I put my foot down, got home as fast as possible, grabbed the camera and raced back to where I'd seen the really nice view.

It was still nice, but the sun had completely come up by the time I got back and melted some of the mist.

Still, not bad eh?

image removed

 

Rule one of photography: Don't leave your camera at home. Ever.

 

Anyway, after going back home, sorting a few things out and having a nap, I went back into town (with my camera). Met up with the photography group in a pub. After an hour of that I ran off to play crazy golf with a different group.

 

Did more wandering around taking photos.

 

image removed

 

A very long day.

 

Sunday consisted of picking my dad up from the hospital (they didn't find his brain) and then bumming around my parents house all day.

[happy_snapper]

Damn you internet!

My house is starting to get messy. I was going to do some housework last night, but I had "just 1 game of Team Fortress 2".

By "just 1 game of Team Fortress 2", I mean: Got home, started up the pc, cooked myself something while everything was loading, played continuously for 4 hours...

 

I HAVE NO WILLPOWER!

[Realitynut]

Uh huh...me too! I was so excited i didn't have to go to work until 7pm. I got up late and was planning on doing all this work. I sat on this damn computer til 4 pm. Now i'm home...and see what i'm doing?

 

But i don't play games...it's mostly this....and that. And eating aimlessly while i'm on here. No wonder i've become so damn fat. And this has been a LOOOONG winter here. Snowed again today....i could gripe forever, but eh.

 

But Peter.....at least it's YOUR MESS! Ain't life grand!!

[happy_snapper]

I was nearly late for work today (well, technically there aren't any set office times and everything's really flexible, but rolling in at 9:35 is pushing it).

The alarm went off at 7:15 as usual, reached over, switched it off, stretched... and fell unconscious for 10 minutes. Great start.

 

Got up, made a cup of elixir of life (tea), looked at the pile of washing up that's been building for 2 days... went back into the living room and put the computer on.

I was just firing up Youtube when I remembered the scary letter that came through the door yesterday. It's from the water company, addressed to one of the previous occupiers (no idea how long they lived here, when they moved, or where they went), with the words "final notice" on the front. I've already sent one back, but I guessed that a final notice from the water company isn't something that should be ignored.

 

Opened it up: Bills not paid... blah blah blah.... £47 owed... blah blah blah... must be paid within 10 days... blah blah blah... immediate action...

I hate panic-inducing letters before breakfast. Images go through my head of coming home and finding that the water's been turned off.

 

Phoned them up and explained, just to make sure that I don't need to do something. Turns out that it's nothing to do with me at all. That's a relief.

 

Went to unload the washing machine, realised something was wrong... ah yes, I didn't press the start button last night, it hasn't been washed. Bugger.

 

Let's do that goddamn washing up! Shouldn't take too long. Blimey, how can one person cover so many things with so much food in such a short time?

 

Nearly all done. Look at the clock: 8:25! AHH! I usually leave the house at around 8:30 and I haven't been in the shower... haven't even finished the washing up!

Blasted around getting ready, left at 8:45.

 

Driving out of the village, put the radio on for a change. Steve Le Fevre is on: ".. coming to the end of the Breakfast Show today..."

 

Damn

Forgot to have breakfast.

[Realitynut]

Coffee, first. Breakfast, second.

 

Everything after that is an 'afterthought' !

[happy_snapper]

I find it absolutely crazy that it's only 2 months until I have to renew the contract on my flat. On paper, I've been living there for 4 months now (You can't really count December though). Where does all that time go?

 

I'm not 100% sure how long I'm going to live where I am. I've decided that I'll definitely renew for another 6 months in May, see how Summer goes, but I think I might end up moving back into the city next year.

Since moving out, I've spent more time in the central area of Bristol than I had in the previous few years combined. I feel like a city-dweller now.

Anyway that's something to think about in several months time... I could quite easily change my mind, just how I'm feeling right now.

 

Going photography-ing again tomorrow night. First night shoot for a while. Not been so crazily busy over the last week or so, not so many meetup events caught my eye and the few that did were already full.

Also been trying to save some money. It's expensive business being a socially active nerd.

[happy_snapper]

My sister broke her ankle yesterday. And she did it in such a typical Emma way.

She was sat on the sofa in her usual sort of way, sort of curled up, sat on one of her legs, cutting off the circulation.

She tried to stand up with a dead leg, fell over, tried to get up, crunch.

 

I'm going round tonight to laugh at her misfortune, as is my duty as a brother.