Dating a married man and wanting him to want me (as a lover only)

[sabrinafolies]

Hi,

I am a single girl and I am not looking for a serious relationship as I am quiet cynical about love and mostly a free spirit. I have been looking for a NSA relationship in Dublin, one that would allow me to enjoy sex and the company of a man while not getting involved as I do not want to be hurt, or hurt anybody and I have other interests and priorities at the moment. While I do not want (or need) to be judged with regards to "cheating" part, I am here to ask a simple advice that might be of use to most women who date.

 

Last week I had my first date with a (married) man and although we did not plan it I was very horny and we ended up having sex (twice). He seemed to have a great time although I think I was more eager than him to get down and dirty while he was pretty much relaxed. He did email the night after the adventure but I haven't replied yet and would like to let him want me (just as a lover, of course, but more than a one night stand!).

 

I suppose my question is - do rules about male/female relationships i.e. let him chase you still apply to extra marital affairs?

 

I am getting worried that NSA sex does not exist after all, else why would I be wondering about him now??

 

Thanks

[rosephase]

Look... You don't even know what you want. You already become attached to the first person you slept with trying to have NSA sex. Ditch this guy. Be up front about what you want with others. A lot of men (good, kind, non-cheating) are open for a sexual but not romantic relationship. But pay attention it seems like you don't even know if you are open to that style of intimacy.

[agent1607307371]

You're thinking about him as a potential boyfriend after one "date". NSA really doesn't sound like something you're capable of.

[Capricorn3]

I have been looking for a NSA relationship in Dublin, one that would allow me to enjoy sex and the company of a man while not getting involved as I do not want to hurt anybody

If you do not want to hurt anybody, maybe it would be a good idea NOT to date married men and thereby be a home wrecker - (hurt the wife and possible children) etc. Find single men for NSA sex - that way, no-one gets hurt.

[LikeWater]

^This.

 

And the advice you're seeking does not pertain at all to "most women who date" because most women who date find other single people to get involved with.

[nutbrownhare]

I wonder if your cynicism about love is actually hiding a deep pain and fear of getting hurt. For some people, they genuinely CAN pick up other people, use them as an alternative to masturbation once or twice and then move on to the next person.

 

The fact that you are wondering about this guy, and keeping him interested, is a very clear sign that you are not one of those people.

 

Extra marital affairs have no rules. For a start, one person in the affair has already broken a vow which they made to a spouse and clearly doesn't think rules apply all the time. He may want you, he may not; after all, he's already got a partner and you're an optional extra. If he's still with his wife and is not thinking of splitting up, then you can be dropped at a moment's notice and it won't affect him one jot. The fact that you've already had sex means that there's no thrill of the chase for him anyway, so wondering about letting him chase you is a bit of a redundant question.

 

Be honest with yourself before you proceed with this line of dating. You are very unlikely to get through this without feeling used, at the very least. The chances of being hurt are high, even if you're trying to tell yourself you're not involved. You can be a free spirit and still enjoy a genuine emotional connection with another person; in fact in a healthy relationship neither party is trying to control or restrict the other.

[Moontiger]

If you do not want to hurt anybody, maybe it would be a good idea NOT to date married men and thereby be a home wrecker - (hurt the wife and possible children) etc. Find single men for NSA sex - that way, no-one gets hurt.

 

Agree. And, if you want a NSa then why are you worried so much about the "rules"? IMO, you are already emotionally involved if your this concerned about this married guy.

[Seraphim]

If you do not want to hurt anybody, maybe it would be a good idea NOT to date married men and thereby be a home wrecker - (hurt the wife and possible children) etc. Find single men for NSA sex - that way, no-one gets hurt.

 

I agree. Find a single man .

[HeatherB]

There are no rules for what you're talking about. But one thing's for sure, you shouldn't behave like a girlfriend or wife. That's your competition's strength. The strengths in your mistress role are unconventionality, lack of needs and expectations, and spontaneity. You are his hedonistic side gig, so behave accordingly. Why you'd want to sign up for that, I don't know. But it takes all kinds to make the world spin.

 

No chasing or plotting. Spontaneity and no strings, remember?

[LikeWater]

Ugh. I can't believe you've actually been given legitimate help on how you might go about continuing this. That's really disappointing.

 

Also, it's important to note that just because you're cynical about love doesn't give you the right to go around ruining marriages. Obviously the married guy is more to blame here, because he's the one already involved with someone and if not with you, he'd probably still cheat on his wife with someone else. But ya know, if everyone just refused to get involved with people already in relationships, there wouldn't be any cheaters in the first place.

[Miss Firecracker]

Call his wife and get her advice. I'm sure she knows him pretty well.

 

So, you didn't plan on having sex with him?

[HeartGoesOn]

While I do not want (or need) to be judged with regards to "cheating" part, I am here to ask a simple advice that might be of use to most women who date.

 

Fair enough.

 

Are you referring to "most women who date" or most women who date unavailable men?

[EssexMan]

There are so many single men, especially in a city like Dublin...why complicate things by getting involved with a married guy? He's covered in strings of one sort or another.

[lavenderdove]

Starting up liaisons with married men is like lashing yourself to the mast of a ship over you have no control while it sails into a storm. Affairs ALWAYS end badly. The risks are very high, and with a world FULL of men, you need to examine why you woud even begin to shop for sex with a married guy when there are so many other available men to be had who don't come with all the risks and baggage of a married man, not to mention the HUGE potential to break the hearts of a whole lot of other people, his wife and innocent children.

 

And keep in mind that men who form these kinds of random hookups are really looking for a free hooker. That is what you are to him, a free prostitute. He owes you nothing, there is no potential for anything more there, he loves his little sport on the side only so much as it doesn't interfere with his REAL life with your wife and kids. You are the equivalent of a sexual drive thru window for him. He goes out to pick up a burger at lunch and doesn't think twice about the girl handing him the burger, and he won't think twice about you either once he drives away home and he's picked up his B.J. from you for free.

 

So you want to treat this like this is a 'date' and a relationship where you want to build it into something more than sordid easy sex. Maybe you have a taste for sordid sexual encounters, in which case you should wipe your lips afterwards and say, him, that was as good as the burger i had for lunch, but then you just walk away because you already got all you're going to get out of that. Maybe he'll drive by for a while for lunch, but eventually he'll decide he's bored with burgers and go find a new place to eat.

 

That is what affairs are about. People throughout all time make the mistake of thinking an affair is about something more than that, but it isn't. It is about someone scratching an itch, satsifying a drive, entertaining themselves, with no reference to caring about anyone but themselves, not about you, not his wife, not his kids. You're just a little snack on the side til he gets home at night.

 

So don't waste your 'wiles' trying to attract or entice him. He got exactly what he wanted and is offering nothing more. He'll probably continue to swing by for awhile because you are cheaper and less risky than a prostitute, but eventulaly he'll get bored with you and bolt if you show any signs of expecting him to pay in any way for the encounter (pay with commitment or pay with raised expectations that he actually owes you anything at all other than your last encounter).

 

Do yourself a favor and stop messing with married guys. By default a married man who sees you is a liar and a cheat with lives without regard to the hurt he may cause other people to satisfy his own whims. You lie down with dogs you get fleas. Don't lower yourself like that to his level.

[lavenderdove]

>' I was more eager than him to get down and dirty while he was pretty much relaxed.'

 

btw, he was more 'relaxed' because he does this all the time with other women AND he doesn't really care about you one way or another. He'll just go to the drive thru on the next block with another women if you're not to his tastes or he craves something different. Today he'll drive thru Burger King, tomorrow it will be McDonald's or whatever suits his fancy. Why should he ever be anxious or concerned... there's always another drive thru and of course always a banquet waiting at home when he wants a really satisfying meal rather than just junk food.

[Batya33]

The rules do not apply because married men can't date. So, if this is supposed to be a NSA arrangement I would be very up front with him about what you want and when you want it -because if you're not there are many many other women who would be happy to have that arrangement with him. The other reason the typical rules don't apply is because there's no goal here -he belongs to someone else in every way - getting someone to continue meeting you for sex on the side doesn't require any relationship skills or much in the way of communication skills (if any) or any relationship development because there is no relationship other than sexual relations.

[metrogirl]

You can't come into a thread about infidelity, ask not to be judged and then confess you are looking for no strings sex with married men. There are countless people here that have been burned by a cheating significant other.

 

I think you think you want no strings attached but the reality of it is you can't do it. Your emotions come into play way too quickly and the only thing that can happen is you getting your heart broken by a man that wants to sleep with you but doesn't want anything else. (That is why he has a wife, she gets all the good stuff and you....well you get a man who thinks you are great to shack up with but that's it). Don't be her, because one day you are going to find someone great and there will be another version of you out there trying to sleep with your man.

[itsallgrand]

Affairs are all about two people coming at each other with their own needs/desires all they care about, and by its very nature, it's selfish. I mention this because if you were honestly in the mode of "hit em up, take what you want, then move on" - NSA - there would be no wringing your hands over some silly text message he sent you.

 

He got the sex and the ego boost, he is checking in to see if he can get some more, no matter what you do or don't do - except when it comes to agreeing to get together for some sex and attention - he doesn't care. That's what you gotta wrap your mind around. He doesn't give a s/t.

 

Rules? The rules of getting involved with a married man or otherwise unavailable man is 'forget the rules'. It's cut throat.

 

You say you don't want to get hurt or hurt anybody, yet this is the quickest path to guarantee pain. Kind of a self fulfilling prophesy, isn't it?!

[Natasha24]

If you want no strings attached, the last person you should be dating is a married man. That's pretty much the worst/most dramatic kind of dating situation you can put yourself in.

[bulletproof]

I also question whether an affair constitutes an NSA relationship. I feel like the NSA part needs to be on both ends. Think about the potential consequences should anyone find out, for example.

 

I also don't think there are really any "rules" to this, nor any other relationship, really. The rules are what you make them.