My husband doesn't love me anymore. :(

[Firiel]

Welp, I'm here posting this-- never thought I have to start a thread like this, but here goes...

 

My husband told me yesterday that he is pretty sure he doesn't love me anymore. He cares about me, but doesn't love me.

 

Facts:

-We've been married two years.

-We are currently long distance (I am in the middle of a program, but when he graduated from college, he got a job out of state and has been living there).

-I've known we've been going through a rough patch since March-ish (but for him it's been longer? Sometimes, he puts that at the starting date, sometimes he says it's been up to a year and a half)

-Over the summer, I did struggle with moving to a new place where I knew no one. I also withdrew some because of the (joint) communication issues we had the previous few months.

 

We recently started seeing a counselor for what I thought were two specific issues:

-Sex (we'd been having it, but I was struggling to find enjoyment in it, and it was continuing to get worse)

-Communication (we had both felt that the other person wasn't listening)

 

But I didn't know it was this bad. I thought we still loved each other and were doing counseling to make our relationship healthy again, not because we were on the brink of divorce. All of a sudden, he dropped this bomb on me yesterday (I'm here for Thanksgiving) that he doesn't love me anymore. He still wants to go to counseling and try to work things out, but he doesn't love me anymore. Divorce is on the table. He said he felt like he had to choose between happiness and me. I'll be trying to do something when all of a sudden the thought floats through my head...

 

My husband doesn't love me.

 

And I'm crying again.

 

I asked him if there was someone else. He said he's been finding himself wanting to reach out for love... that he's been talking to a friend of ours about this, and that he finds himself I guess developing feelings for her? But I believe him when he says he hasn't done anything and that he isn't cheating on me.

 

I don't know what to do. A part of me feels like the only way he'll love me again is if I'm happy and upbeat and not anxious... but it's really hard to do that when you are facing losing the one person you thought would never leave you. I feel like there are all these ways I should be acting in order to get him to love me again, but I'm so mad and so hurt, and I can't not be because those feelings are real.

 

I don't know what to do. I just need help. I just want him to love me again.

[Silverbirch]

Oh BIG HUGS F. Don't know what to say but you guys have had so much to deal with and the distance can't have helped. Well, he still wants to go to counselling so it does sound like he wants things to work and he would be unlikely to do that if he didn't love you.

[annie24]

big hugs!! i don't know what to say. do you think he is depressed? is this the guy who put on a lot of weight during your marriage and does he have some health problems?

 

big hugs. i hope counseling helps.

[pippy longstocking]

oh darling

 

I am very sorry to see you post this , big big hugs for you xx It must of been one hell of a bombshell for you.

 

I agree with silver , he wants to go for counselling , he is hanging in there ....

 

are you still long distance ? if yes is there any chance that this can change ?

[Capricorn3]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's really hard to get someone to "love you again" when they have mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship some time ago. It seems even after going to counseling, it still hasn't changed his mind, and in that case, it's not likely to come back (sorry).

My gut instinct said he's seeing someone else, or at the very least, has feelings for someone else. If this is the case, I don't see him coming back.

 

I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you. Hopefully with further counselling things will work out for the better.

 

~Hugs~

[Seraphim]

Ohhhh love I am so so sorry. I am not sure what else to say. I will pray.

[JA0371]

Wow,.... I'm so sorry you're going through this, but honestly,It would anger me if my husband or bf brought a third party into our business and lives. To ME that's total betrayal, especially if things were already rocky. JMO. You deserve someone who DOES love you. Not someone who has to be talked into it.

[pippy longstocking]

My gut instinct said he's seeing someone else, or at the very least, has feelings for someone else. If this is the case, I don't see him coming back.

 

I feel like he is on the threshold of it and I also hate to say that ....

[pippy longstocking]

we have to look a the positive here and he WANTS to go for councilling still ...thats huge right now I think

[Seraphim]

Wow,.... I'm so sorry you're going through this, but honestly,It would anger me if my husband or bf brought a third party into our business and lives. To ME that's total betrayal, especially if things were already rocky. JMO. You deserve someone who DOES love you. Not someone who has to be talked into it.

 

I agree.....

[mines]

I am so sorry to hear this I don't 'know' you, but I read your posts often here, and you're always so helpful, insightful and caring. I really thought you were one of the lucky ones, happily married, and all that.

 

I wish you the best. (hug)

 

I agree with some other posters (and likely everyone on ena) you deserve to be with someone who truly loves you and appreciates the wonderful person that you are!

[OptomisticGirl]

Oh Firiel... i wish I could give you just the biggest hug right now!

 

I think it's a good sign he still wants to participate in counseling, but who put divorce on the table? You or him?

[Firiel]

So, I talked to his mom, actually. I know that's a total faux pas, but we are close, and I was definitely not bashing her son-- just saying what happened. I feel a lot better after that. She told me that she didn't think he'd leave... told me about some of the struggles she and her husband have gone through... told me that it would get better. Told me he didn't understand his own emotions, and of course he still loved me, lol. I feel better after that. I know I can't make him stay, but I'm feeling more like this is not the end of the world.

 

He's quite emotional, and as someone asked, he's also probably depressed. He just got laid off from his dream job (the one that took him to the next state to begin with), and that has been really tough on him. He's quite emotional, and sometimes I forget that because he expresses his emotionality in a very different way than I do. I told him that I loved him and I wasn't going to leave him. I told him he was still my best friend, and I was okay if I wasn't his best friend right now.

 

I also told him, though, that I was not comfortable with him talking to a female friend about our issues. He seemed to understand, but didn't seem all that thrilled to give up the outlet. I know they are both good people who wouldn't set out to have an affair, but they are both going through rough times (she recently got out of an abusive relationship), and two emotionally injured people confiding in each other about relationships is a recipe for disaster when one of them is in a struggling marriage.

[hers]

Oh f. I'm so so sorry.

[Firiel]

Oh Firiel... i wish I could give you just the biggest hug right now!

 

I think it's a good sign he still wants to participate in counseling, but who put divorce on the table? You or him?

 

He did. I believe him when he says he doesn't want to get divorced, but it's clearly enough of a possibility to discuss it. He said he's been thinking about it for awhile now...

[CeeLambrini]

I'm so sorry, I actually had a lurching feeling in my stomach when I read your post - it's happened to me as well. We weren't even married but it's still such a kick to the stomach to hear it.

So, the ball is in your court now it seems. You know, as opposed to not wanting to continue trying. This can be good - because you can weigh the situation up and come to terms with it before any rash decision is made. He obviously still cares about you otherwise you may not be having this option.

There's just one thing I'm concerned about -

 

I don't know what to do. A part of me feels like the only way he'll love me again is if I'm happy and upbeat and not anxious... but it's really hard to do that when you are facing losing the one person you thought would never leave you. I feel like there are all these ways I should be acting in order to get him to love me again, but I'm so mad and so hurt, and I can't not be because those feelings are real.

 

There shouldn't be a specific way to act to get someone to love you again. You made the vows, so did he. You heard what he promised, through thick and thin (sickness and health) and the like. You being all happy and content with this just isn't natural. It seriously hurts and you shouldn't have to cover that up.

Of course even anger should be present. You've been married for two years, this isn't the seven year itch - you're still newly weds and you both embarked on the journey of marriage not long ago at all. Now, the long distance is tough but it's nothing compared to the stresses of finances, child rearing, the recession - that some couples have had to fight through to keep it going.

 

Now you have a husband that feels he doesn't love you anymore, and the ball is in your court. I see the negatives, and I see the motivation you have to fight for him. But I also see the brighter side to this as well. Mainly being, you're still young. You've found this out after two years of marriage (but he's going back a year and a half - so 6 months??) and not ten years, or 20 years of marriage. Better sooner rather than later. If he loses love after a long distance relationship and a helpful ear of a coincidentally attractive friend, then what is going to happen when the real problems, mentioned above, arrive. How is he going to be then?

 

If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, and this is just a merely rocky part of the relationship that you'll look back on as something irrelevant - then fight. But right now you have an advantage of ending things and in the future, finding someone who wants to be with you through thick and thin - someone who wants to fight for your relationship. It looks like he has checked out already - especially as he is developing feelings for someone else.

 

Again, I'm so sorry. It's a hell of a lot to deal with, especially so soon into marriage.

[Firiel]

I really thought you were one of the lucky ones, happily married, and all that.

 

Ah ha... so did I. Thanks to you and everyone else for the support. It means a lot.

 

Capricorn, we only just started counseling (had our second appointment today), so I am hoping that there is still time for it to work. I know it's very possible it won't, but it's not like we've been going for months or anything yet...

 

A part of me wants to call our friend he's been talking to. She's very much a friend to both of us. I was actually thinking of calling her for support before I found out he was. I know I would do it without being rude or hateful. I'd likely just mention that I was uncomfortable with them talking about our relationship because I was worried he might be connecting to her emotionally. But I'm pretty sure what the consensus here will be. If it matters, here's how our conversation basically went about it (to begin with):

 

Me: Is there someone else?

B: You mean am I cheating on you? No.

Me (BS detector going off): I don't think you are cheating, but is there someone else?

B: Yes. I just find myself really wanting to be loved and wanting to feel connected with someone again.

Me: So, is there a person?

B: No.

Me: Are there people?

B: Yes.

Me: What does that look like?

B: Well, for instance, when I'm talking to A, I find myself kind of wishing she'd say, "Well, if things don't work out between the two of you..."

 

He later was hesitant to even call that "developing feelings," but he seemed pretty torn up when I mentioned (matter-of-factly, with no anger, and with assurance that I didn't think he was cheating) that I wanted them to stop talking about us. He basically asked what he was allowed to do, how much was too much, and I felt like I shouldn't have to even answer that question. In fact, oh gosh... I just realized this-- when I mentioned he should stop talking to A, that was the first time I'd seen him cry about this all weekend.

 

FML.

 

Guys, I'm screwed, aren't I? Please don't tell me I've just become that girl on ENA desperately trying to defend a relationship that everyone else on the board can see is doomed.

[OptomisticGirl]

I think you did the right thing in asking him not to speak with her any more about your problems, as you said, two emotionally wounded people coming together like that is a disaster waiting to happen. I don't think you are that girl Firiel - not by a long shot. I think there is still a chance for you guys but (and this is the big thing), it's going to rely solely on him.

[CeeLambrini]

Guys, I'm screwed, aren't I? Please don't tell me I've just become that girl on ENA desperately trying to defend a relationship that everyone else on the board can see is doomed.

 

It's too foggy to see, because it isn't just black and white is it? He isn't walking away - he's willing on working on things - he's admitted to developing feelings for someone else etc

It's just...do you want this to be happening so soon after you've gotten married? It's not like it's taken a lot either - like my other post. I would personally want to just let him go - out of love mostly. I wouldn't want to make someone be with me when they didn't love me anymore (not that you're making him - he is choosing to continue the fight too). I just think you deserve more than to have to fight for a marriage that is only 2 years old. Especially when he has supposedly been feeling like this since you had been married only 6 months!

[DN]

I agree that he should not be talking to family or friends (and neither should you, it was not fair to bring his mother into this and it undermines your objections in him talking to this friend)

 

I would also not advise jumping to the conclusion that he is seeing someone else. If he is lonely then he may well look at another female with thoughts that he might find the love and companionship he is missing in the marriage but that doesn't mean he is anywhere near cheating, emotional or physically.

 

But he does need someone to talk to. A counsellor will help the two of you hopefully, but clearly the person he should be talking to is you. If you can persuade him to talk to you about his feelings without being hurt or judging him or blaming him, then you may find it brings the two of you closer together.

 

I also think it is important not to separate the sex issue and the communication issue - I think it likely that they are the same issue. For many people, and he may be one of them, sex is far more than just a physical act. It is an expression of love and intimacy and non-verbal communication and that is why so many marriages founder when one person is less sexual than the other, permanently or temporarily. I don't know if this applies to you, but many people who are less sexual tend to dismiss their partner's desire for more sex as unimportant or simple sexual desire (lust) - and that is a major error.

 

Ideally, he hopes this will be a wake-up call - maybe for himself as well as for you, and you can work together to get this marriage back on track. But it will require honesty without recrimination, acceptance of responsibly, suppression of ego, and a willingness to learn from the past but look to the future.

 

It will also require him to accept things that he could have done better and things he should not have done at all. This will not be all your fault.

[hers]

I think he is so confused. So much going on in his life right now...health issues, working a job he doesn't get pAid for, wife living away from home...I think maybe he's vulnerBle and feels like he needs a constant in his life, some consistency. Whether it's a good job, good health, or just plain love in all its forms, he's lacking something he needs but cant identify it as such.

 

Not making excuses for him...I just think that since he is willing to work on it, that says a lot. Didn't you say before (I think in your journal) that neither of you believes in dovorce? I think that's crucial here...you both made a commitment and intend to see it through. I think he's willing. He just needs to get some sort of consistency in his life to get him back on track. He's likely feeling the disconnect bc you're not near him a lot and the intimacy (not sex...the intimacy...guys need physical intimacy in whatever form) that many guys need that we don't necessarily need is not happening in the tway it's "supposed" to when you are there. He moreso probably feels disconnected but it feels a lot like falling out of love.

 

I'm praying for you guys. I hope everyblthing works ou ok

[Firiel]

Thanks, DN. He and I actually both agree it's okay to talk to friends about our struggles. I trust he does it respectfully, and so does he. Our therapist actually suggested I talk to someone and wanted to make sure I gad a friend to call. Maybe not his mom, but I was grasping at straws because I don't currently have access to my contact list... long story!

 

The thing that worries me about our friend is not that he is cheating, physically or emotionally, but that he kind of has feelings for her and is still discussing the topic with her. Just found out too that he had been texting his ex (but stopped at therapist's recommendation). He is quite emotional and develops feelings quickly, so that kind of thing scares me. Inappropriate relationships start with small decisions, ya know?

 

I definitely never actively trivialized his desire for sex. I totally understand that it is natural and healthy. I know he felt rejected and inadequate at times, and I don't blame him, but I understand it is my issue, and I have been working on it from the beginning, albeit not always productively. I definitely share the blame in our resulting communication issues, but I am glad I was always aware of not trivializing his desire, because that issue has been hard enough on him emotionally as it is.

[Firiel]

Hers, yeah, neither of us believes in divorce, which is maybe one of the reasons this was so shocking. I know he is going through a lot, and I really hope that's affecting his feelings in this somewhat. He really wants to try and save this, but I am also not feeling that he is 100% for-sure committed either...

[Capricorn3]

Capricorn, we only just started counseling (had our second appointment today), so I am hoping that there is still time for it to work. I know it's very possible it won't, but it's not like we've been going for months or anything yet....

Oh, my apologies. I misunderstood and thought you had been going for some time. In that case, then I think there's a good chance that things can still change for the better, as he does seem willing to try. I hope it works out for you and wish you all the very best!

[SapphireNoir10]

Im sorry

 

For me...and I can only see it from my POV. If my partner was to tell me he didn't love me anymore and that he had been talking to another female and may have developed some sort of feeling towards her or closeness...I would walk away. I have a child with my fiancé and It's not a decision I would take lightly but for me, I couldn't be happy with someone again knowing they didn't love me. It would make me not want to work on it, and the talking to a female friend about our relationship etc I could not forgive. But I am a different person to you so I can only write what I think I would do.

 

You are a strong person and an admirable person for not throwing your marriage away lightly. Counselling could be good for you both, yes, but I don't see how love can come back if it is truly gone...perhaps he is just confused and depressed. But I hate the idea of you being so miserable for a long time because he doesn't know what he truly wants.

 

I really hope it works out for you.