Need help sorting out situation fiance is communicating with former fling

[Anderson Silva]

I think your plan is stupid. IMHO. Better to take the financial hit now, than later. Putting a $45,000 wedding on credit?!? What the heck!? You know she's going to cheat. That's a given.

 

Yes we were given interest free credit valid until two months after our wedding. Her mom signed funds over to her name for the day of the wedding for $15,000, my parents did same to the tune of $10,000. The rest would be covered by guests even if half don't even cover their plates. So putting the wedding on credit was not a horrible idea in our opinion knowing that it will be paid off for (with our fimilies help) after the big day. If we had to save for this wedding we wouldn't be getting married for another five years which we didn't want.

 

You say she's going to cheat but I have been with her for a long time and I haven't gotten any indication from her that she's "cheating", acting inappropriately and lying yes but cheating no. I am still confused about all this though and it's still very fresh for me. This sucks.

[camus154]

Lol, you think your financial situation will be EASIER to sort out once you're married and trying to get a divorce, rather than cancelling now?

 

You're in for a massive reality check, dude. Regardless, it's pretty clear that even though you came here seeking advice and stating that you'd break up with her if she contacted him again, you're not willing to do any such thing.

 

So....I guess the only thing left to say is: good luck.

[Anderson Silva]

Lol, you think your financial situation will be EASIER to sort out once you're married and trying to get a divorce, rather than cancelling now?

 

You're in for a massive reality check, dude. Regardless, it's pretty clear that even though you came here seeking advice and stating that you'd break up with her if she contacted him again, you're not willing to do any such thing.

 

So....I guess the only thing left to say is: good luck.

 

I agree with you and it's likely the same advice I would give to anyone else in my situation. Saying and doing are two different things though. I guesss I need more encouragement. What you guys say makes sense but I might revisit a psychologist I use to see for other issues long time ago to see if she can give me the right push in this situation. Thanks for the advice.

[lalalollipops]

She lied, over and over. She went behind your back, she got involved with a married man. Great morals she has! Good luck OP, with everything. You're gonna need it aye, she'll never, I repeat NEVER be honest or faithful to you.

Mark my words.

[petite]

In my opinion going ahead with this wedding/marriage is very foolish considering the red flags which are so very clear. Why would you enter a marriage where you're thinking about divorce now, and so nonchalantly?

Further more why choose to get married with the notion of "well I can get divorced later" after your in-laws and parents fork out 25K, that's extremely selfish. Why in the world would you allow your parents to gift 10K towards a wedding you're not even sure about and why put your family/friends through this ringer where they are going to waste money on a wedding/marriage you're doubting will even work.

Getting married just because your partner wants to is not very smart, you're setting yourself up for failure and sooner or later you're going to get burned by this woman. I don't know how old you are, but open your eyes and realize if she cared about you, your feelings, and if she respected you there is no way in the world she would be communicating with this man, after you told her if she did it you'd leave.

 

Walking over your words now is a clear sign to her that she can do as she wants and you will always forgive her and let her walk all over you. She will cry a little, be sorry but again she will continue doing what she had done in the past because you're just a doormat to her. People don't change that easily. She was with a married man, she claims to not have known he was married, but if she didn't know then she a) would be so angry at this guy she wouldn't even want to ever hear from him, never mind speaking to him after you literally told her you're gone if she does it again. The fact that she said they exchanged 5 messages which turned out to be 5-10 a day is such a huge problem in itself.

 

I also don't understand why you would have such an expensive wedding which you clearly can't afford. People have big lavish weddings with money they have on hand, not money they will get from guests and family. The money you get from the boosta (wedding money) should be used as a start for furniture, household goods and all that not a huge wedding. You're setting yourself up for a huge downfall. Not only are you having a wedding you can't afford, you're marrying a liar, that has proven to you she can't be trusted.

 

I understand it is hard to backout so close to the date, but it is better to break off an engagement than be a divorcee, and if you think breaking off the engagement would be harder financially and emotionally, just imagine that pain 10x after you've been married. You have everything to lose and nothing to gain.

 

My fiance backed out of a wedding years ago, very close to the date too because he knew it was a mistake, they were simply incompatible, he found love again, he has a better life now and he too had lost a lot financially, at that time, and they had a home too. His life was a bit messy after but he has a much better life now, and he knew if he had married her they wouldn't have even made it to the 6 month anniversary.

 

Just do a bit of searching on this forum, so many people go through with 'mistake' weddings and end up mostly miserable and they come back posting here how they made a mistake, what a horrible marriage they have, all the while they could have just backed out on time. Don't become a statistic just because you're afraid.

People will be more understanding and supportive if you backout now than 6 months from now, because then they'd be encouraging you to work on the issues, but unbeknown to them, the issues started way before you're even married. Don't be anyone's doormat. When someone loves you, they put you above all, not some dude she had an affair with.

[metrogirl]

Acting inappropriately and lying is no reason to cancel your wedding. I mean it's only inappropriate behavior right now and if she cheats later, well no biggie.

 

You do know that you have essentially given her permission to rake you over the coals right?

[Ms Darcy]

Anderson, I can understand your reluctance to cancel. You have soo much invested financially and emotionally. If (and when) you go through the wedding, I would advise that you have a pre-nup. That's all I can say to you at this point. You need an air tight pre-nup that protects your assets if (and when) you divorce.

[annie24]

I hate to be so negative here, but I feel like you've really not made the best decisions in your life - from not following through with your promise to break up if she continued contacting that guy... to financing your lavish wedding by having the parents pay for half, and expecting the rest of it from the guests. Like petite said - that money should really be towards starting your lives together, not to pay off one huge party. Especially considering it doesn't sound like there is a great chance you guys will even make it to your year anniversary. I mean, I would be pretty upset, as a parent, to pay $10,000+ for my kid's wedding, and then for them to break up shortly thereafter. Also, depends on where you live and the etiquette - if the marriage breaks up shortly after the wedding, you *should* return the wedding gifts (aka, cash!!) It's not really polite to keep the wedding gifts if the marriage breaks up so soon.

 

"If the marriage has been short in length, for example, less than one year, it would be appropriate etiquette to offer the gifts back to the people who gave them.

Read more: link removed link removed"

 

 

I would really break things off - you might get back some of the money from the vendors. but yeah, since you don't want to, you will need to sign a prenup with her.

[SURPRISE]

Do what you have to do. Be smart about it and make sure you can live with your decisions down the road. Make sure you don't circumvent your happiness for someone else's happiness. No one here knows everything about your relationship so it's easy for them to judge in a negative way and be way off course. Pray about your situation, seek help if you need it and just be damn sure you have it all figured out before having any kids. May God bless your journey.

[lalalollipops]

^ We don't need to know everything to know that staying with a cheater and liar is a bad idea.

But anyway OP, just think about things. She already screwed up your trust, and judging by her getting involved with a married guy, she really doesn't give a crap about other ppl. If you want to marry somebody like this, go right on ahead.

[Silvergalaxy]

OP, I feel for you. I understand the pressure you have with only a week left till the wedding and I know it's much easier to give advice than to go through with something like that.

 

What I would be more interested in knowing is:

 

1) When she started crying about contacting this man again, was it after you confronted her or did she confess to it herself?

 

2) A year ago, when she lied about the number of texts exchanged, did you ever see any of these texts to confirm they were as innocent as she was saying or were you just taking her word for it?

 

Either way, what she was doing is not right but the answers to these questions would make a difference for me anyway. If I were you, I'd want to know that even if she had made mistakes, she's able to be honest with you and not just admit to things when the evidence is in front of you.

[Anderson Silva]

She only started crying after I caught her in the lie and confronted her with it. She did not come clean on her own accord. I have not seen a single text they exchanged to know it was innocent.

[Anderson Silva]

Guys more things have happened and many of you were correct. She did not tell me the whole truth. After pressing her for a couple of more days here is what I found out contrary to what she initially told me:

 

Back in 2008, she knew this man was married the frist night she met him, rather than a month after seeing him, and she continued to be sexual with him knowing he is married.

He didn't tell her that his wife cheated on him but rather that he is happy with his wife and in his marriage and doesn't have a real reason for cheating

She admitted to meeting him once for an innocent lunch about six months after we were a couple, she attests that it was completely harmless lunch

She admits that after meeting him for lunch, a short while later he suggested she visit him in his condo to have sex just like old times and no one would know, she swears she refused to to that

 

The above she swears is the full truth about the guy. She still swears that she didn't cheat on me and that she was totall platonic although he made one or two mild advances on her she turned him down hard she told me. She didn't admit to any of the above information I basically had to pull teeth to get it out of her. I lost it because of this new info again and told her the only way I'll believe her now is if I take her to a polygraph. She said she is willing to do that.

 

Basically I'm shocked. What now?

[camus154]

It's like someone who keeps sticking their hand into a fire and asking "why does this burn? What does this mean?"

 

We tell you it's because fires burn, so if you continue to stick your hand into it, you're going to get hurt. So you do it again, only this time you describe the pain a different way, from a different angle, but the net result is the same.

 

What more do you want us to tell you, OP? We can repeat ourselves over and over, but in the end only you can make a decision either way. That's your responsibility.

[petite]

She's proven that she can't be trusted, don't waste anymore of your time on someone that doesn't respect you in the least. If the ninety something messages weren't enough, her meeting him after you were a couple should be enough. She knew he was married, and proceeded with the affair, which proves that she does not value or respect the notion of marriage or what it stands for. She was with another woman's husband. Her conscience didn't stop her from being with him, and it didn't stop her from having contact with him after the affair and during our relationship. Do you really want to marry someone like that? Have children with her? She will continue to lie, and has clearly lied to you from the start.

There are women out there that wont lie or cheat and that didn't have affairs with married men. Don't risk having the next few years of your life be emotionally draining that you will literally hate your life, stop it in time and move on from this, don't become a statics and a divorcee. If you marry her you will most likely find out more and more things that will make you think "what the hell am I doing here? Who is this person? Why did I marry her?" You will probably regret it.

 

(Imagine if you married her, and she falls pregnant [happens all the time, even when people don't necessarily plan it] then you find out more things about her, then you find out she has lied to you about other things or has cheated on you. Now you're stuck with a kid, a mortgage, other debt, which is all pretty normal, and a divorce. You're middle aged or older, starting ALL OVER again, going through courts, splitting assets, custody, spousal support/alimony, child support and a whole lot of other problems that will make your head spin.) Don't allow that to be you, there are so many people in situations like that.

 

Cheaters and liars never come clean completely, and it's always the same story, they will only disclose enough to shut their partner up, then the partner digs for more or something slips up and then thy come clean, but again not completely.

 

Don't marry her. Plain and simple. If you have to go through such ordeals to find out truth about your fiance then it isn't even worth it. A polygraph wont solve anything because she has still lied to you, and knows she can get away with it because, so far she has. She can also lie to you if you marry her. Do you want to be thinking about polygraphs and going to such lengths just to be with someone and believe what they are saying? Come on, keep the self-respect you have and dignity and don't allow her to walk all over you with her lies.

 

 

 

You've mention some good things about her, but from where I am sitting, the bad outweighs the good. Most loyal partners would be there for you in case something happened, some accident, or illness, that's quite normal for a girlfriend/fiance/wife to be there for you or buy you something. Don't let little things she does fool you, and don't be bought by little gestures, if she's going to lie and do things that are 10x worse.

 

You have shown her that she can do as she wants and you will allow it because you continue to let it go, let it slip and you allow her to walk all over you. She's got you where she wants you and it will only get worse because right now, you've got no backbone and she knows it.

 

If I were to find out that my fiance lied to me, and was with a married woman, I'd be out that door so quick he wouldn't know what happened. You have to have some self-respect, and you can't allow people to mistreat you and take advantage of you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart, I wouldn't marry him because his actions would be enough proof that he doesn't value, respect or care about me at all if he can lie to me. It would be a huge risk entering marriage with all those red flags.

[pl3asehelp]

All kinds of wrong, but you know that in your heart.

 

No reason you need to pay for everything if you cancel. She's the one that cheated. I'd say you're a pretty nice guy if you don't make her pay for all of it herself, since it's her fault.

[lalalollipops]

Yeah you teach ppl how to treat you. How can she respect you if you don't respect yourself?

[iamkaylee]

Dude, seriously? Come on now.

 

She doesn't feel bad at all for what she's done. Not one single, little itty bitty bit. She's only bawling, pleading and crying because she got CAUGHT. That's it. If you hadn't caught her she'd still be carrying right on along right now. *If* she's still not doing it now. Either way, you KNOW she's going to go right back to it so why in the name of sanity are you even thinking of still marrying her? Money? It's only money dude. Take her phone, print the messages off her facebook or something, take it on over to HER parents and say HERE. I'm calling off the wedding, this is why and now you pay for it. It's your daughter, you fix it and WALK.

 

Tell you what you should do. Go see the guy that's supposed to stand up for you. Your best man. Tell him what you posted here. See what he says.

 

When they get to that part about "if anyone has any objections, let them speak now or forever hold their peace" remember that this whole forum would be standing up waving and going "me, me, me!"

[Justme3]

The true meaning of getting married is non existent for both of you. You're willing to settle marrying her mainly because of your financial plan and because of how much money has been invested. divorce seems so

simple for you. Obviously she has no respect for marriage because she's already lying to you and she's involved with a married man while dating you. This is already a catastrophe because you're getting married for all the wrong reasons. Loss of money is a minor setback that you can fully recover from. Becoming a doormat and losing your self-respect is something you may never regain fully and can affect your life for many years to come.

[Silvergalaxy]

I am so sorry, this must be really tough. I don't know what advice to give you. I have to say, the fact that she keeps lying and you have to find out the truth bit by bit is the hardest thing to get past. She may be telling the truth now and that could be all that happened; or she could have met with this guy and cheated on you multiple times. Either way, you would always wonder because regardless of what she claims now, you know she is more than capable of lying and hiding things from you and can continue doing this in the future. I am not sure you will ever be able to trust her or feel secure about this situation.

[Doofus]

As I often do here, I'm going to voice the non-canonical point of view here. While she undoubtedly still has feelings for this guy, as far as you know, she hasn't acted on them. In fact, based on what you've said, there is no reason to believe that she has. Also, based on what you discovered on fb, she has been doing as you ask - she's ignored his texts. She didn't reply to his come on on fb because 1. there's no point in dignifying it with a response and 2. she felt that she made a mistake by sending him a pm at all and didn't want to compound it by getting into a discussion with him - especially given that that conversation was a. about sex and b. something you could discover and possibly misinterpret.

I can't say whether you should forgive her (for the 97 texts or whatever it was and for lying to you), but I will say that just because she's been flirting a bit with an old flame doesn't mean that your marriage is doomed. A successful long-term marriage, like one that lasts a life time, requires a bit of leniency. If you expect that over the course of 40 years or whatever, neither you nor your wife - whoever it is - are never going to be tempted, never going to flirt or fantasize, then you're not living in reality. In my opinion, imposing those sorts of rules ensures just two things: that you will be lied to and that you will be disappointed. Obviously, there are some things you shouldn't forgive. We all have to decide what we're willing to forgive, and, maybe, for you, her behavior doesn't fall into that category. Maybe you can't ever get this whole thing out of your head. If so, then you should leave her. But, if you can look at the positive side of this, then it could make for a better marriage than you otherwise would have had. How? Look, she's chosen you. She valued your relationship enough to do as you asked. She told him, this guy that you're worried about that she's getting married to you. You have no evidence that she's physically cheated on you. Obviously, if she had wanted to, she could have. If she can't keep the texts and fb messages secret from you, then I doubt she could keep a physical affair from you for long either.

You've reached an age when no matter what you're going to be with someone who has experienced heart break in their past, and maybe still carries some regrets. That's life. If you love someone you love all of them, including their past. If you learn that lesson, and love her and her past, then you will have a much stronger marriage than most.

Good luck!

[DN]

A successful long-term marriage, like one that lasts a life time, requires a bit of leniency.

I am in a long-term marriage of thirty-seven years, and I would not be lenient with her because she's a liar so who knows what she has done with other men.

[petite]

While she undoubtedly still has feelings for this guy, as far as you know, she hasn't acted on them. In fact, based on what you've said, there is no reason to believe that she has. Also, based on what you discovered on fb, she has been doing as you ask - she's ignored his texts. She didn't reply to his come on on fb because 1. there's no point in dignifying it with a response and 2. she felt that she made a mistake by sending him a pm at all and didn't want to compound it by getting into a discussion with him - especially given that that conversation was a. about sex and b. something you could discover and possibly misinterpret

 

I really can't agree. If she still has feeling for another man, that alone should be enough for the OP to put a stop to this wedding. Why would anyone in their right mind marry a woman, that has feelings for someone else? He would be better off finding a woman that doesn't have feelings for some guy she used to date.

 

The OP also has enough proof that she is a liar, from lying about not knowing he was married to the number of text messages she exchanged with him and then it turns out she had lunch with him also? He has enough evidence to not trust her at all, because she has gone out of her way to lie to him, and that's a big sign that she would undoubtedly do it again, her morals are questionable: affair with a married man, lying to her partner by saying she didn't know he was married, sending 90+ messages to him, having lunch, and then facebook message... that's just too much.

 

How does he know that she didn't sleep with him, or that the lunch she had with him wasn't more than just one time? He doesn't and can't know because her track record is not good, she has lied multiple times and he had to literally force her to even tell him some things (probably not the full truth anyway,) no man or woman should have to go through such lengths to be told the truth.

 

A successful long-term marriage, like one that lasts a life time, requires a bit of leniency. If you expect that over the course of 40 years or whatever, neither you nor your wife - whoever it is - are never going to be tempted, never going to flirt or fantasize, then you're not living in reality. In my opinion, imposing those sorts of rules ensures just two things: that you will be lied to and that you will be disappointed. Obviously, there are some things you shouldn't forgive.

 

Their marriage hasn't even started, so if she is flirting now, even before it begins, there is a pretty good chance she would do much more after. It isn't like she could be trusted, marriage means very little to people that willingly have affairs with married people. Why should he be her doormat? And why should he (or anyone) be okay with their wife/husband flirting with someone else?

 

 

You've reached an age when no matter what you're going to be with someone who has experienced heart break in their past, and maybe still carries some regrets. That's life. If you love someone you love all of them, including their past. If you learn that lesson, and love her and her past, then you will have a much stronger marriage than most.

Good luck!

 

Loving someone does not mean putting up with their lies and being a doormat, and constantly forgiving them for the wrongs they are doing. Why doesn't she love him enough to not lie?

 

I've been lied to, cheated on, and basically made a fool of, it isn't worth it no matter how much you love someone and it makes you think, if you love that person enough to allow it and accept it, why didn't they love you enough and not do it? Giving people a free pass once they treated you badly and abused your love and trust, is a clear sign to them that they can do whatever they want and the doormat will accept it. The only way to stop it from happening is to stand up for yourself and give yourself the respect you deserve, especially sine the liar or cheater clearly does not, otherwise they would not lie to the person they supposedly love.

[annie24]

I'm worried about the teeth pulling aspect. She only gives out information in drips and only as much as you have evidence for. Who knows what actually happened!? The whole thing sounds like a recipe for disaster. Do you have a prenup?

[iamkaylee]

Doesn't really matter if she slept with the guy or not. The woman has a long pattern of deceit by lying, sneaking around, covering up, hiding things and other inappropriate behavior. Once you cross that line in a relationship it's real easy to just keep on going. She's already broken his trust so badly he says he'll only believe her now if she takes a lie detector test. Even if that did fix this one instance, it's not going to fix her behavior or bring her back accross that line. The disaster is already happening but the OP thinks he's going to stop it with a piece of paper. Not going to work.