Need help sorting out situation fiance is communicating with former fling

[HeatherB]

You gave her an ultimatum. Now you have to follow through. Otherwise she would never respect you or take you at your word again.

[Anderson Silva]

I'm worried about the teeth pulling aspect. She only gives out information in drips and only as much as you have evidence for. Who knows what actually happened!? The whole thing sounds like a recipe for disaster. Do you have a prenup?

 

I do not have a prenup. I dont need one because financially we are even. I checked already and a divorce would not burden me financially.

[DieTeufelKatze]

Um, are you serious, you think divorces cost nothing? Ask anyone who has been divorced how much it cost them (in court fees, attorneys and more), and see what they have to say... divorces, on the contrary, are expensive. My husband and his ex wife owned next to nothing (and unfortunately also had debt), and their divorce cost thousands. You're crazy if you think a divorce is better than backing out of your wedding right now. Sorry, but you're totally in denial.

[lalalollipops]

Lol thinking about divorce before you even get married -_- .

[Joe02468]

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, sounds like a duck , it's not a swan!

I sadly understand your reluctance to leave her and call off the wedding without 'hard' evidence. I made your mistake years ago, I lived a life of suspects and feeling miserable. Every time I took a work trip or she did I wondered if she would see someone, had gut feelings, signs, some evident, but never hard proof to leave her. It was a awful situation.

 

Then technology helped: put a spyware on the computer, it will create a txt file with anything she type , you will get her passwords to her email , she what she emailed to whom etc. Sadly for you (and me) you WILL find the hard proof of her dishonesty and it will hurt you a lot more than it should and you will need to leave her and suffer tremendously.

 

OR, knowing this perspective, just leave her now and don't make yourself more miserable than you should. DO NOT marry her. Don't !

[Anderson Silva]

You guys are right, I'm an idiot.

[annie24]

We don't want to make you feel bad. Just worried that's all. Have you and her discussed this further?

[Anderson Silva]

We don't want to make you feel bad. Just worried that's all. Have you and her discussed this further?

 

Yes Annie we did. I told her I can't move forward with the wedding but I reconsidered after we talked about it more. I genuinely feel that she is extremely sorry and she promised me this would never happen again and again assured me that nothing happened between them. She offerd to take a polygraph. She offered access to all her passwords (which I don't want anyway), she even said she is willing to delay the wedding at her cost if I need more time and explain to both of our parents why the delay basically taking the hit. She seemed very sincere and I am hopeful for the best. I am keeping my eyes open though and I told her any little stunt from now on and I'm gone.

[annie24]

i think you should take her up on her offer to postpone the wedding. unless she pulls another "stunt" in the next 3 days, you're going to be married and stuck. divorces cost a lot of money too!! thousands of dollars at least.

 

i think that the polygraph thing is so messed up. you shouldn't even need a polygraph. her word should be enough. but it really isn't.

 

ask to look through all of her emails, right now. including emails to her girlfriends. i wonder what she says about you.

[Anderson Silva]

i think you should take her up on her offer to postpone the wedding. unless she pulls another "stunt" in the next 3 days, you're going to be married and stuck. divorces cost a lot of money too!! thousands of dollars at least.

 

i think that the polygraph thing is so messed up. you shouldn't even need a polygraph. her word should be enough. but it really isn't.

 

ask to look through all of her emails, right now. including emails to her girlfriends. i wonder what she says about you.

 

I will talk to her when she gets home. You're right, Im curious too what other correspondence she's been doing. I will check when she gets in. I feel so bad delaying the wedding at her cost. This means she would throw just shy of 20K out the window but she said she would do so in order to make it work. She said she would use all her savings and stocks money if need be.

[Joe02468]

I'd still suggest NOT to get married, move the wedding to next year.

I know first hand : my ex-wife would lecture me on relationships , that I did not listen, that nothing ever happened, that she just had close friends, etc. Cheaters are perfect liars and live in a swish world. When I , like you, decided to get hard prusing a spyware , you can't believe it how deceitful she could be.

[Joe02468]

Sorry, sent prematurely.

So, if you really need the hard proves (it will hurt you, but whatever), get a spyware on your computer, move the wedding to next year , don't tell her she is being watched, only that all this created stress and it seems more reasonable to move the wedding to next year. Wait a month or two...

Another thing you should do: go to the guy's house , ring the door bell and tell him to leave your fiancé alone and to find someone else to get naughty with. If the wife is there, oh well. If he is altered, feel free to punch him in the face. Then leave and let us know. Good luck!

[Doofus]

I finally took a moment to read your other thread. Frankly, you've hit the trifecta: Disagreements over sex, money and domestic responsibilities. These are the three most common reasons that marriages end. And you're not even married yet! I have this feeling that maybe you're looking for a reason to end it; that you yourself want out. Look hard. Could this be true? I ask this because, frankly, I don't sense a lot of love in your posts. Now, maybe there's a good reason for that, but, if that is true, you need to get out. What I said above about marriages being hard is simply a fact about the universe. Those marriages which survive are those between two people who are irrationally nuts about each other - at least deep down somewhere. If you're complaining about how much she cooks and where she spends 'your' money and are sure that because she lied to you about how much she texted an old flame that she must be in love with someone else, then you should walk away from this ASAP. You're not in love with her, no matter what you might think. You need to start today to find someone you are in love with. Good Luck

[petite]

I think asking for password access to to see her emails right now is pointless because she probably has cleaned it all up, I mean, you've gone to the extreme and asked for a polygraph, I seriously doubt she would just leave correspondences in her email that reflect negatively on you.. It's also quite easy to make a new email account. She could have an email that you don't even know exists. You're determined to marry this woman, regardless of what she has done. Hopefully she wont mess up, but it's likely she will.

 

If you can live with her knowing everything...then good luck and watch your back, because this one will stab you in the back when you don't even expect it. Hopefully you wont have a kid by then, I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to dig her claws in deeper by getting pregnant.

She knows that she can get away with everything and you're going to let her, so don't be surprised when you're married and she gets worse.

 

I'm curious what would you do it your friend was in the situation, would you advise him to marry a girl like her? I think if you're going to think about this you need to think logically and disconnect all emotion, forge about the good stuff the has done and think about all the bad that's happened. Think how your life can be with her because of the things she has done to hurt you. Have you had a chance to see a therapist? What about speaking to your family, brothers, sisters, parents?

[deepsea]

Like everyone on here, I am fearful that you will make a HUGE mistake (and sacrifice) by marrying this girl. She's willing to take a polygraph test? Pfft. Now, that's real desperation, for you.

 

How much deeper must you dig? Getting answers out of her is like pulling teeth. First, she claims that she initially didn't know he was married. All of a sudden, she gets a flashback, and remembers she actually did! But, 5 out of 97 texts? Wow. Her maths was way off. And, 'friendly' lunch dates? Seriously. Time to put on your thinking cap.

 

Marriage is a huge and very meaningful decision. It's not an ordinary decision you make everyday; it's a lifelong commitment. Marry when you know it feels right; when everything connects; when your head and heart are harmoniously in sync; and there is not even a shed of doubt.

 

Despite your determination, you, however, are full of doubts, and desperate for assurance. What's even more unsettling, is that you are willing to just settle, because you feel obliged to meet wedding expectations.

 

What's the point of a $45K wedding, if it just doesn't feel right? Your life is worth more than $45K. Think about it rationally. Think long and hard. Follow your gut.

 

I believe, deep down, you are terrified to go ahead with the wedding. Avoid the consequences (pain). Take kindly the advice of the posters, here. Life is too short to be making big mistakes. Learn from others. Some people come into your life as blessings; some as lessons.