New Journal

[dias]

On 12/7/2022 at 6:57 PM, itsallgrand said:

Been through an emotional Rollercoaster in the last while. And it feels like all my repressed feelings in my life have come up to be felt. And it's ok. I'm Able to hear them now. Process them. It's tiring . But I feel like this is a turning point in my life. 

Turning points usually have a positive outcome! Hope you are well Itsallgrand! Take care!

[itsallgrand]

20 hours ago, dias said:

Turning points usually have a positive outcome! Hope you are well Itsallgrand! Take care!

Thanks. Yes, that's true isn't it ! 

[itsallgrand]

I've been remembering things my brain shut out for so many years.  I'd like to write a few here since this has been a therapeutic ground for me. It's just for my own processing and getting it out. It was all so long ago but that period in my life really impacted my mental health and it's been a long journey getting to where I am now.

I was watching a show and it triggered off deep crying for me. There was a little girl who had been in a fire in the show. I had this very clear memory of when my brother had been moved finally from ICU and was in a specialized ward. The ward right beside on the same floor was the kids burn unit. To see my brother,  you had to walk past that ward. And the kids would sometimes be near the nurses desk or being brought to treatments by the main elevator . I can see clear as day now some of those kids I interacted with and some I did not. Some were in excruciating pain and their screams were such pure pain. This had a really big impact on me. I saw a lot of kids hurt and in terrible pain in the ICU since my brother was there a long time. My mom would smoke near the emergency area too which I wish she hadn't but regardless she did and we'd often see kids brought in from the ambulances. I saw a mother try to throw herself out a window because her child died from traumatic brain injuries. He was on his bike and hit by a car. I see him now.  His head bloody and swollen. 

I have a lot of memories like this my brain didn't let me fully remember. I supposed now it has decided I can. Fully. Not pulling away and hiding, bringing it to me in nightmares. Just here, this happened and you witnessed it.

Thanks for reading if you do. Either way, it's good to come to terms with these things that have been haunting me. Perhaps if the circumstances were different, I hadn't been so young, lost dad and almost lost bro, and everything else that came with that after, I wouldn't have been so impacted. But it all added up together. 

[Seraphim]

I am so so so sorry for those experiences. They would be devastating for an adult let alone a child. Big hugs to you. 

[itsallgrand]

13 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I am so so so sorry for those experiences. They would be devastating for an adult let alone a child. Big hugs to you. 

Thank you for listening. ❤️

[itsallgrand]

I have a test tomorrow afternoon. I'm nervous about it. I've been visualizing when not practicing. Wish me luck. Trying to go in confident. 

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

I have a test tomorrow afternoon. I'm nervous about it. I've been visualizing when not practicing. Wish me luck. Trying to go in confident. 

BEST OF LUCK GRAND!

(Not that you need it!)

x

[itsallgrand]

I failed 😞 I can go back at the end of the month, and I will, but I'm disappointed in myself. Usually I go in knowing I've got it nailed but this time no. And my anxiety about that got the best of me.

Oh well, just keep going. Not everything has to be on the first shot, right?! I'll just work harder. 

[Seraphim]

What was your test about ? I am sure you will do great next time . 

[itsallgrand]

On 5/1/2023 at 7:54 PM, Seraphim said:

What was your test about ? I am sure you will do great next time . 

I got it! Just the next level so I can get more hours flying the wee plane. Not even close to a full license ..just something I have wanted to do and prove I can.

 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, itsallgrand said:

I got it! Just the next level so I can get more hours flying the wee plane. Not even close to a full license ..just something I have wanted to do and prove I can.

 

Yay!!! So glad for you !!

[itsallgrand]

With grocery prices at insane levels, I'm very curious to see how big a chunk of change I can not spend by supplementing with my garden this year and fruit trees. Last year I sold off some apples to a cider company as it was too much to even give away. I hope my garden does well . 

[itsallgrand]

I've missed my regular swims so much. I haven't been home much lately. No time nor decent pool to go to. Nice to get back to it. 

 

[itsallgrand]

There was a protest outside my local library over drag story time. The protesters don't even come to this library, they were from a neighbour community. 

I'm a regular at this library. Since the new librarian came, there's been 3 protests. 2 for recent censoring she did where she disallowed certain literature, 1 for this.

I don't care one way or the other about drag story time but I am alarmed over censoring. That's some dystopian weirdness right there. It's a public library. 

I miss my old librarian. She was amazing! A true gem. 

[Seraphim]

Censorship needs to go.  People died for freedom. 

[itsallgrand]

We were gifted an ebike. Holy crap is it fun lol. I tried to give them something for it but they were like no no no. Ok then but you are getting food then from my harvests. That was ok lol. 

 

 

 

[itsallgrand]

Feeling very grateful. Freezer full of food, big old house with peace and without someone breathing down my neck, cute lil family, no medications at my age yet, good coffee in my cup.

Gotta appreciate it when you can. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

Feeling very grateful. Freezer full of food, big old house with peace and without someone breathing down my neck, cute lil family, no medications at my age yet, good coffee in my cup.

Gotta appreciate it when you can. 

I had to remind myself of just this last night - it's a good thing to count your blessings -small ones but yes blessings.

[itsallgrand]

14 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I had to remind myself of just this last night - it's a good thing to count your blessings -small ones but yes blessings.

I had gone grocery shopping further from where I usually do. There were some big slabs of meat and cheese on the belt that wasn't mine. A thief got caught trying to steal and ran away when security confronted them. They are getting more and more brazen, sometimes running out with entire carts full. Resellers mostly, and I have zero sympathy for them. But I do have sympathy for people counting what's left in their wallet and whether they can afford proper meals. Inflation is so bad here lots of people have to choose rent/mortgage/bills/food and what gets cut this time?! 

Having grown up not even close to wealthy but always food and a house and what I needed, but with many much poorer friends, it never leaves me mind how fortunate it is to have the basics plus some little luxuries. I'll probably never be rich! That's OK. Security counts for a whole lot to me. And I'll never take it for granted, nor never not be stashing away for hard times. 

[itsallgrand]

Thanksgiving round 1 . My cooking today, then get to eat someone else's tomorrow.

Got pies baked, buns baked, made ice cream, stuffing prepped, cran sauce made, turkey ready to cook, and the rest can be done today. Love Thanksgiving!! 

Mashed parsnips to honor mom . Funny enough I've come to love it too. Bites of that with peas, yes lol. 

Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canucks and anyone else who loves a good harvest feast 🙂

[Seraphim]

Happy Thanksgiving fellow Canuck! I am transporting my feast to my mom’s . ❤️🦃

[itsallgrand]

So I guess I got blocked from one thread for saying someone needs to get a job and such. Ok, that's fine, is one person and you can block me if you want.

What bothers me though is we are now almost in 2024 and it's still controversial to a lot of people to suggest mothers are as responsible to financially provide for themselves and their kids as are fathers. 

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

So I guess I got blocked from one thread for saying someone needs to get a job and such. Ok, that's fine, is one person and you can block me if you want.

What bothers me though is we are now almost in 2024 and it's still controversial to a lot of people to suggest mothers are as responsible to financially provide for themselves and their kids as are fathers. 

I understand. From another perspective the mom who is home is often saving the family $$$$ on day care/nanny/baby sitters.  

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

So I guess I got blocked from one thread for saying someone needs to get a job and such. Ok, that's fine, is one person and you can block me if you want.

 

Dont think you have an ability to block somebody here other then just ignore their replies so you cant see them. But there is an option now for OP to hide an entire thread. So nobody but OP can see it. And lots of people use it now. Thread doesnt go the way they wanted, they just hide it so nobody can see it or respond again. Its infuriating since lots of people took time to give advice that can be helpful not just to you but to somebody else with the same problem. And you just hide an entire thread.

Also its not so controversial take at least where I am from. Almost all women here get back to work immediately after pregnancy leave ends. My sister even did some stuff for her company during pregnancy leave.

[Batya33]

It's how you define "work" I did unpaid work as a SAHM for years -going rate back then would hav been around 1,200/month for day care, $15-20 for nanny or full time equivalent plus paid vacations, etc.  But as I've mentioned I insisted on contributing out of my nest egg monthly -husband didn't ask -so yes I paid about half our rent  I'm not sure why a SAHM with young child/children isn't "back to work".  That parent is not working outside the home or being paid for the work she does raising the child -which usually is not "at home" IMO if you do it right -we were out and about and exploring other than during nap time, etc. 

I did work to make sure I could go "back to work" -I had certain education requirements and skills upkeep to fulfill and I did and I also spent time networking in my then new city.  It all helped when I went back.

Did I feel financially responsible during those years? Not in that sense and my husband didn't feel that way at all -I was the one who insisted on contributing. He knew that I would eventually want to work outside the home and likely in my former work -which I did and he was right.  In one way yes -if heaven forbid my husband couldn't work/got laid off etc I would have the very next day made sure I was now the provider - work towards making sure ASAP I could provide.  I would not have needed outside help - if necessary I could have gone back to that work full time.  Without complaint.  

We discussed this all before we started trying to conceive and we were always on the same page about this.  And still are.