He hasnt said "I love you" yet. Why do I care so much?

[tygerwolf]

My wonderful boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months now. He really is wonderful. We spend time together every single day, even if that entails doing nothing together. We still enjoy each others company and find something to do. When there is conflict we calmly solve it together and talk it through. He does me favors like changing my oil, helping me clean my parents house or cooks for me and or my family. He touches me often and takes me everywhere with him. We hang out with each others familys often but spend plenty of time alone too. Hes never afraid to hold my hand or cuddle. We laugh together often and confide in each other. He tells me things he says hes never told anyone. He is a little older than me. I am 21 and he is 28 if it helps any. He told me (when we first started dating) that hes only loved one woman before: a girl he was with for 5 years. She cheated on him and stole a lot of money from him. Broke his heart. But that was like 7 years ago.

 

I guess what bothers me is that hes admitted to having loved her. (when she sounds like she was so selfish by his descriptions!) At around the 6 month mark of our relationship I told him that I loved him. He asked what made me bring it up. I just told him that I just wanted him to know. He held me close but didnt say anything other than "thats a good thing." 9 months have gone by and I have not heard those words back. I feel like he loves me by his actions... but a good part of me wants to hear him say it without me asking him to. Is that understandable? What could be keeping him from saying those three simple words?

[lalalollipops]

He probably does love you but you got to realise his first love whom he had a long relationship with totally hurt him badly and not only betrayed his heart, stole his money too.... So you can imagine it's hard to recover from that completely. Yeah it's been 7 years but a part of him still holds that fear, he probably thinks saying those words puts him in a really vulnerable position and he doesn't want to be in that position unless he can completely completely trust you. Love is an action word anyway, it means more to see him show you his feelings, just give him time. He'll say the words when he's ready.

And love is emotions, it's not logical. So logically he can think she's a horrible person, but his heart still holds a special spot for her. My first love cheated on me too. And even though I know the guy he is in reality is a bad guy, he will always mean sth and I couldn't help but love him in the past. So what he's feeling is completely normal.

[JA0371]

Don't pay attention to his words..pay attention to his actions. His actions are showing that at the very least he cares a lot about you. Be patient. If he said he loved you then punched you in the face repeatedly, would you believe him??

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Just remember that a lot of people throw out the words "I love you" without really meaning it. Just because a person says it, doesn't mean they feel it...and just because a person doesn't say it, doesn't mean they don't feel it. Some people feel the love but are not comfortable in actually saying the words.

[DylanNotorious]

Hmmmm after 9 months he should be saying something. Anything. There should be times when he just feels so into you, that he would naturally say something. But your right, why should you bring it up? It would feel forced and un-natural after that if he did start saying it.

[tygerwolf]

Hmmmm after 9 months he should be saying something. Anything. There should be times when he just feels so into you, that he would naturally say something. But your right, why should you bring it up? It would feel forced and un-natural after that if he did start saying it.

 

Thanks everyone for your advice. He has said many things but never straight forwardly said anything like "I love you." Hes said things like, "You are the best! You are so wonderful. You are the only thing that holds me together. I love how you (says something I did). Hes even told me that he loves my family.

[XkatieX]

My boyfriend didn't tell me he loved me for what was over a year. I didn't want to say it first, always wanted to tell him but never had the courage! Even though we didnt say it for a long time, I knew how he felt and it sounds the same with you and your boyfriend!

Anyways after all that time one day we had been on the phone for a while said good bye and hung up. A couple of seconds later he calls me back, "just to let me know he loves me" It was so sweet and I felt so happy! I think it means more when you wait and know the person really means it! He will tell you when the time is right, so don't push for it just wait it out.

[Lansing]

I would try not to become insecure as a result of this. I know I am the kind of guy that shows through my actions vs. through my words how I feel about someone. I won't throw around words like "I love you" lightly.

[superfan]

Obviously his past experiences have made him a bit gun-shy about using the L word. If you FEEL that he loves you through his actions and his behaviour then hearing those words RIGHT now after 9 months may be something you might need to be content to wait a bit longer for.

 

However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell him how you feel (without pressure of course).

 

Sit him down and say "I have told you I love you, and I know that you care for me deeply because of how well you treat me. I know you are not ready to say those words to me just yet because of what has happened to you in the past. I hope you know that I am not the same person that hurt you, and that I will never hurt you, and I hope that you will someday feel comfortable enough in that knowledge to tell me how you feel. For now, I can wait."

[michelemybell]

Be glad that he hasn't said I love you yet.

I have been with guys who said it very quickly and all the time through text, in person, on the phone...and they were the quickest to exit the relationship and start saying it to someone else. Your boyfriend is careful with words and wants to say it when the time is right. Or perhaps he's just not a mushy guy and those words don't come easily. I know guys like that, and it's just them---it's nothing against you. Like the other posters said, follow his actions, not his words. Because words don't mean anything. Or you can let him know how you feel--Perhaps he's just a bit shy on the "I love you" part and needs a bit of encouragement.

[DN]

It would be interesting to know how soon after he told his ex that he loved her that she dumped him.

[DrKitten]

My boyfriend is similar. He is just not the type to say it, whether its to a girlfriend or his mother or grandmother. It's just not his way of showing he cares.

 

I told him I loved him after a few months in the relationship. That was when he explained this to me, and also told me "I do love you, I just don't think of using those words." Which made sense, as he shows me he loves me every day by being an amazing partner to me, but he's never been very verbal about his feelings.

 

Now we say it to each other a couple nights a week before going to sleep. I know he says it to make me happy, and I appreciate that. Maybe you and your boyfriend can do a similar sort of compromise?

[tygerwolf]

Wow, you guys have been very helpful. Ive tried to have that mind set. Ive been content to wait it out and just focus on his actions which to me definitely makes me feel loved. Hes not mushy with words but he does his best to care for me, listen and spends lots of time with me and takes interest in my family and friends. I guess its just when im stressed or sad I crave those words. Much like a child I guess. Those are really the only times I really want him to say it. Ive been thinking about it lately because I have been very stressed and sad about a family situation going on right now. I will try to be understanding and let him say it when hes ready.