ping pong show.....on our honeymoon

[Seraphim]

If he talks about killing himself because you won't visit his prostitute heaven he has in his mind instead of all the beautiful places in Thailand, you can not agree on how to raise healthy children and he does the emotional flip flop about things every second day, gf he is a MESS. Do NOT marry this man. He is a child, an emotional child. He manipulative and he has BIG problems. You WONT be happy in this marriage and it will probably last a year at the most.

[mitchie85]

I had to go back and re-read this post twice just to make sure it was real.

 

Your fiance who knows you were raped repeatedly as a child tries to make you feel guilty when you wont have sex with him for one day.

YOU ARE NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BEING UNREALISTIC. He SHOULD understand the connection, and it's more than likely that he DOES understand the connection.

And now he's telling you he feels like killing himself because you don't want to see a ping-pong show.

I could rant about how wrong this is for hours but instead I'm just going to ask you this question.

Does this sound like a man who will make a good husband/ father?

[Seraphim]

I had to go back and re-read this post twice just to make sure it was real.

Please, please, please Hanz33 re-read what you have written here and try to see what it is you are actually saying.

Your fiance who knows you were raped repeatedly as a child tries to make you feel guilty when you wont have sex with him. And now he's telling you he feels like killing himself because you don't want to see a ping-pong show.

Does this sound like a man who will make a good husband/ father?

 

I agree. This IS not the man to marry.

[Huntress0527]

This guy is not good news. Please see the glaring red flags that are in your face and break off the engagement now. You're in for a world of hurt if you stay.

[abitbroken]

Please listen. If you only get to see the man for a week before the wedding, POSTPONE the wedding (and maybe even cancel after that).

 

You do not see eye to eye on SOOO many things. Counseling will not "fix" this - some people just don't match no matter what they do. This man is dangerous to your self esteem. You are young. You can move on heal, and meet someone else and hopefully get personal counseling and work through whatever issues drew you to accept this. I know people sometimes think marriage is the natural progression after so many years..even if their relationship is not great. It is not a matter of you leaving more love notes or whatever. this man is not capable being in a give and take equal relationship.

[Snny]

Here's a reality check: seeking marriage counseling before getting married is a VERY bad sign. The people I've known who done it before their wedding have all divorced around 5 years of their marriage.

 

So ok... you're investing money in COUNSELING... which is not cheap... then a WEDDING.... then a HONEYMOON... oh wait and potentially a DIVORCE because your relationship is really not working out. That adds up to thousands of dollars you wasted on this man who is a twisted perv. I can almost guarantee that you will resent your choices if you go on with this marriage and be in debt (or be stuck in an abusive marriage).

 

Counseling is not a quick fix solution. Depending on if your man accepts changes it can take several months to a couple of years. Do you really want to wait around on a man who is already talking about suicide because he's not getting what he wants? If your man is already talking about suicide because you said "no" to him... he's got MAJOR issues. This is serious and he is already hurting you. HE is the one who needs professional help. Stop pinning this on yourself and be strong about this ordeal. He's the one who is making your engagement miserable and you need a partner who isn't going to pull BS like this.

[Miss Firecracker]

I'd feel better if I knew you would escape this marriage in a year. What I fear is you will stay in that marriage and end up so stressed and depressed that you will lose your youth, age so fast you will look and feel like a very old woman within the first ten years. God help you.

[Miss Firecracker]

I just looked at the titles of your past threads here. It looks as if you've been pretty miserable.

[Ms Darcy]

I am not at all suggesting that I am right, but my gut tells me that you if you married him you would marry a man who at the very least cheat on you and at worst be a pedophile.

 

Why? A combination of factors

 

-Evidence suggests that people who were sexually abused as children, who do not thoroughly deal with this through therapy etc, are more likely to attract partners who can be abusive

 

-Lack of empathy: He doesn't really care about the idea that ping pong show women could be sex slaves

 

-Emotionally distant: Combined with that lack of empathy, he seems to depersonalize women as human beings from his own sexual interests and curiosity (and abusive partners tend to be emotionally distant)

 

-Work culture: he works in a place where visiting prostitutes (many of whom are underaged in Thailand) is acceptable and encouraged

 

-His need to "up the ante" on the sexual perversion: He seems to need to graduate to more thrills to get excited. First, frequent sex with you, then porn, now ping pong shows ... he seems to be getting worse. (I don't believe that "I am just curious" crap).

 

-Poor and Manipulative communication: He disrespects you by dismissing what you say.

 

-Depression/thoughts of suicide: again sounds like the kind of guy who needs a deviant thrill to deal with his emotional numbness and dysfunction

 

Just some things to think about.

[Hanz33]

Does this sound like a man who will make a good husband/ father?

 

no not yet but i feel like this may be a consentrated bad version of him. He is really good with kids, he would be a loving father (maybe might get angry) i think, he shows me allot of affection and he use to get angry at me when I cried but now tends to hug me - so his changed that aspect and why not the rest?

 

I'm just confused about what is a good guy in general or a good relationship. We both are - his dad was an alchoholic who abused his wife and his son (e.g slammed his wifes head into the ovan and smashed her front teeth) and my dad was abusive to my mum and kids (e.g pulled a gun at me and my brothers head and told mum over the phone he was going to kill us). So we know thats not right but we've never seen how to talk to one another or how to sort things out for example. So if we go to councelling, maybe we can learn. .Maybe I am not speaking to him the right way and it is making him go off every time I mention something negative.

 

I wish we weren't getting married right now but everything is organised and I don't want to not TRY and work this out so I may as well do it married rather then stop the wedding and split becasue we stopped it. Isn't any person you love worth giving a crack at?

 

I am generally happy. The last 2 months have been hellish but the majority of the 6 years have been good. I don't want to effectively ruin a 6 year relationship becasue we might have a massive argument once every 3 months or something...

 

I always believe it is both parties that casue 'the problem'. So I'm willing to admit any faults that I have and the fact that he is willing to go to therapy with me is a good sign isn't it?

[Hanz33]

just looked at the titles of your past threads here. It looks as if you've been pretty miserable.

but its only been recently he has been suicidal and the others are from 2010. I am generally happy.

[Hanz33]

So ok... you're investing money in COUNSELING... which is not cheap... then a WEDDING.... then a HONEYMOON... oh wait and potentially a DIVORCE because your relationship is really not working out. That adds up to thousands of dollars you wasted on this man who is a twisted perv. I can almost guarantee that you will resent your choices if you go on with this marriage and be in debt (or be stuck in an abusive marriage).

I don't think it is abusive becasue I have seen very abusive relationships and fi don't even consider this as an abusive relationship.

 

Money isn't a problem if it is a posability that we will work things out. I think the key is we both love each other. We just have different views on things and if we go to councelling perhaps we can work them out. If not then at least we tried, otherwise I may sit there and wonder if I had of tried, would it have worked?

[mitchie85]

You obviously really love this man and want to make your marriage work.

With that being the case counseling is a really good idea but just be aware that it isn't going to miraculously cure all the problems you have with your fiance. Only the 2 of you can do that.

My advice to you Hanz33 is to continue with couples counseling even after the wedding, three sessions doesn't sound like enough to work through the self esteem issues that both of you have.

[Hanz33]

My advice to you Hanz33 is to continue with couples counseling even after the wedding, three sessions doesn't sound like enough to work through the self esteem issues that both of you have.

thanks mitchie - I think we will both be happy to continue after the marriage and i think it will be important to. I guess I should confront brett about my assumption that we will if we need?

[Miss Firecracker]

A massive argument every 3 months will traumatize children. Oh, well. I guess you two both have been exposed to this type of thing by watching your parents, so it's just what you expect. It goes down from one generation to the next pretty much. I was hoping you might break the pattern, but I guess that's to be seen. When you are just dating, you are seeing the VERY best of this man. After he owns you, then it will change a great deal. This man sees women as pieces of meat to be bought. I know you mentioned you are proud of him because of the money he makes. There is more to life though. So think about this. What if this man loses that great job a few months after you marry him? He tends to become suicidal when things are down. My husband has lost 2 jobs in 3 years and just barely escaped another layoff. Will you still respect this man if that happens? If he has a hot temper while he's making big bucks, just wait until the chips are down.

[Hanz33]

its not just money but it was an example of me being proud he can also fix anything he puts his mind to - but I love allot of the things he does for me as well e.g - well he cooks for me, he realises when I am tired and hugs me till I fall asleep, he gives me a massage when my muscles are sore from excersising. That doesn't sound abusive to me it doesn't sound like he treats me as a piece of meat, I think until it comes to sex - but maybe I am feeling like that becasue of my past sexual abuse? - also i think he genuienly tries to change his habits. For example, he use to get angry at me when I would wake up crying every now and again from dreaming about those crappy men and he would get angry at me for it. Then he started trying to ask me to talk about it - i would refuse and he would get angry at me. Now.. he just hugs me becasue he knows I don't need to talk about it - I just need a hug. So its an example of him adapting/compromising and caring.

 

The suicidal thing is only this last couple of months after the 6 years so I wouldn't say it is the norm - i genuienlly feel sorry for him and I think allot of this behaviour is stemming from this.

 

I am worried also that all t his is coming from his rig working. He has been doing this for about 12 months now I think - and I feel like his attitude has changed ALOT. I don't want ot be hte one to tell him he has to change jobs and come home though - becasue then that will be my fault that he had to change a job that he loves.

 

I think after 6 years - will he really change that much when we are married

[Seraphim]

Just because a man is not beating you silly does not mean the relationship is not abusive. Abusive people do nice things for you too, to suck you in. If he gets mad at you because you have suffered trauma he is a grade A jerk o. If he has to cry and wail and say he is going to kill himself because you won't agree to go to prostitution land he has more than a few screws loose. ANYONE who blames a victim for their abuse has more than a few screws loose and you do not need to be with them He is HIGHLY manipulative and sounds improperly socialized. To tell you the truth he has the emotional level of a small child. Children throw tantrums when they do not get what they want. But even children don't threaten suicide. That is so manipulative it is beyond dimension. Really. He just has you suckered into believing he is not abusive. His creating drama after drama after drama is abusive believe it or not. And with your history you think drama is normal. It is not. That is what has you snookered.

[SarahRose]

I've read through the entire thread and frankly he sounds like a sociopath to me. he sounds like the type you read about in the newspaper that flips out and kills his wife and kids and kills himself.

 

it sounds to me that you are more worried about being seen as a failure of being with a guy for so many years and feel you invested all this time in him and don't want to waste your time invested so you feel you have to marry him.

[Hanz33]

Thank you everybody for your insight. I am still going to get married becasue I am extremely commited to this guy and love him to bits. I have allot more problems to sort out and I feel like it is going to be a long process. If I end up in a divorce, I'll come back and let you all say - I told you so. I'm just glad my fiance is willing to go to a marriage councellor with me and that gives me allot of hope.

[PhilliesFan001]

Wouldn't it be a better idea to postpone the wedding and work on your issues first?

[lalalollipops]

Your love for him won't change him as a person or stop his issues or abuse of you.

Wow you're making a huge mistake, Marriage ain't a walk in the park, and you're going to be divorced in the near future anyway. =/

And peoples character don't change, so therapy is useless. He might even fool you and pretend to be 'nicer' but rest assured he'll be doing the dirty and lying to you behind your back.

That's absolutely certain.

[Huntress0527]

Even though people don't know your situation personally, we do see the red flags all over the place from the events you posted. Too many times do people ignore the advice and come back and say "Well, ENA, you were right! I should have listened." It's going to be harder to get out of the relationship once you're married to him.

[Seraphim]

Just because you love someone does not mean that you are compatible at all and nor does it mean a marriage will work out. Love is not the end all and be all of everything. It is VERY important but it does not make impossible situations work. If it did there would not a billion broken hearts and people would never break up. I really do not think you are seeing this clearly. I really don't. But it is your life.

[Hanz33]

Just because you love someone does not mean that you are compatible at all and nor does it mean a marriage will work out. Love is not the end all and be all of everything. It is VERY important but it does not make impossible situations work. If it did there would not a billion broken hearts and people would never break up. I really do not think you are seeing this clearly. I really don't. But it is your life.

 

I understand what u r saying but if I am usually happy with the relationship and it has just been the last 2 months which have made me think what the hell Am i doing, to me it doesn't define who he or our relationship is. What if he is just immature and needs time to grow up as well? What if I am not seeing my faults which r setting off this behavior? What if it's just the work environment making him change? All these simple little things it could be...I can't justify throwing everything away when I haven't turned over every rock in search of a solution which results in us living a happy and fulfilled life together...

[piruru]

I'm just glad my fiance is willing to go to a marriage councellor with me and that gives me allot of hope.

 

You guys aren't even married yet but you already need to go see a marriage counsellor? That does not sound good at all.

 

I guess no matter what we say, you will still do what you want to do until you realise for yourself that you're fundamentally incompatible with one another. I guess that's life though. Sigh.

 

In any case, good luck. I hope you prove ENA wrong.