ping pong show.....on our honeymoon

[Hanz33]

I know it's not ideal....these probes have just unfortunately crept up just b4 the wedding. We have been together for 6 years - we could have been married 3 years in and on the 6th year needed help...

[Seraphim]

You can do that and not get married right away. Know what I mean? Getting married under a weight of really heavy issues is not something people should do. I know they do it all the time but it is not very wise. You can work on everything and maybe postpone the wedding a bit.

[superfox]

Perhaps but I would kick myself and forever wonder if it could have worked out if i didn't give it a go...

Or you can stick it out for years, and years getting more and more unhappy just to try and prove people were wrong.

 

A few people here are cynical BUT most of us have been through bad relationships. Not just hogging the quilt or leaving towels on the floor ones but nasty, controlling, maybe even violent ones. When you've been through one you will do everything to try and stop some other woman (or man) go through the same. It is so very hard to leave once you're married and even harder after the children.

[Hanz33]

Vic -I will only see him a week before the wedding because he had to shuffle and work extra weeks to get time off...how would it go down ove the phone saying sorry I want to wait..he would be so shattered we would never work it out that would b the end of us

[Hanz33]

Superfox - I have been in a violent abusive relationship - I can't see this happening in this 1

[superfox]

I have been in a violent abusive relationship - I can't see this happening in this 1

And i have been in a controlling relationship. He was proud of the fact that he'd never hit a woman - control and abuse is fine though. I would pray that he'd hit me just the once so i could show the world that he had hurt me on the outside. To prove to others that this 'nice' guy was a total *****.

 

Loving relationships do not mean sexual humiliation on your honeymoon.

[Seraphim]

Vic -I will only see him a week before the wedding because he had to shuffle and work extra weeks to get time off...how would it go down ove the phone saying sorry I want to wait..he would be so shattered we would never work it out that would b the end of us

 

If he loved you it would not be the end of you. Don't you see? He would be willing to work on it.

[Hanz33]

What if the poor guy just doesn't get it? he thinks that being together for 6 years means it isn't going to be a real romantic honeymoon but more of a holiday. He loves to experience new things and has told me it is purely for curiosity sake and if this is true, and he doesn't believe that a honeymoon will b romantic because we have been together for 6 years then does anyone see why due to these points, that he finds it okay? In all seriousness does this define him as a horrible husband? And if he finds it hard to communicate or instinctively gets defensive when confronted does this mean he is a horrible person or that he just needs help? And if this is the case - shouldn't I b there for him "through sickeness and in health" and sort these things rather than abandoning him?

[Seraphim]

Do you really want to be his mother? From what you have described he sounds very immature and easily lead. You want to be a WIFE not a MOTHER to a supposedly adult man.

[Hanz33]

If he loved you it would not be the end of you. Don't you see? He would be willing to work on it.

 

But I do feel loved by him

[Hanz33]

Do you really want to be his mother? From what you have described he sounds very immature and easily lead. You want to be a WIFE not a MOTHER to a supposedly adult man.

 

i don't want to b his mother but I don't feel that way. I don't tolerate his behavior I Confront him regardless of his actions because I don't want to end up enslaved and miserable...

[Seraphim]

Ok but there is something entirely WRONG with his reactions. I am telling you, honestly. I believe you said about had been sexually abused as a child and he got mad at your reactions to that. Waking up screaming from dreams. Thar is not a normal man's reactions. I was sexually abused as a child as well and I sometimes wake screaming. My husband is NEVER mad at me for that. NEVER. He gets very concerned and very gentle.

 

You said he threw a HISSY because you would not go to his prostitute show. And even said he would kill himself. Who does that??? Really?? Who does that?? My husband and I got married after we had been engaged for five years. Our honeymoon was still romantic because we were TOGETHER. I think he has bizarre reactions and expectations and his priorities are seriously messed up. It sounds like he is much more concerned with looking cool to his oil rig buddies than making you happy.

 

Another thing. His being away with just men in an all male environment causes them issues. I know my husband is a military man. When they get with just all guys they go into testosterone mode and they have to re adjust to normal civi with other people world.

[Hanz33]

In regards to him getting angry about my nightmares - I was explaining that he graduated from that to eventually learning it wasn't okay and hugging me instead so to me it was a good instance of him learning that his behavior wasn't acceptable. I might add he was extremely sleep deprived then - i dknt know if this makes it acceptable or not? He has been suicidal lately and it wasn't a direct relation to the show (i probably didn't explain myself properly)... It may have been a blanket statement as to what he has been feeling generally as he had sad the same thing when i first learnt he was suicidal. I guess i was shocked he was bringngit up after i had said I didnt want to go to the show. I agree his ideas (ATM) are odd...but I feel like this is a new thing

[Seraphim]

He may have "graduated" but who has those reactions to begin with? See what I am saying??? That is not normal. It is not normal not to have sympathy for someone you love who has had a horrible experience. Three year olds even have sympathy and you don't have to tell them how to have it either. It is not normal at all. Someone who is suicidal does not need a wedding. They need serious help.

[Hanz33]

I do understand...and I agree i guess I feel like I can't make this decision right now and am therefore going with what was planned. I seriously can't make a final judgement

[Seraphim]

I just really think you are going to be very disappointed with your decision, but as I said it is your life to lead.

[camus154]

Hi OP.

 

You're that girl. You probably don't realize it, but you are.

 

You know. The one who thinks love trumps all. The one who puts blinders up to all the obvious warning signs around her. The one who tells all of her friends "yeah, I know you're right, I do, but what can I do? I love him".

 

I want you to think about something. It's going to sound very harsh, but I want you to consider it all the same. There is a definitive point where people cross over from being duped, from being deceived and misled, to being fully aware of what they're getting themselves into. That's the point where they lose any right to think of themselves as a victim because at the end of the day, it is very much their choice to continue on a certain path.

 

You're at that point. You can clearly see the consensus here regarding your situation. You know what we all think. But because of how you feel, you're going to disregard that and carry on as you will.

 

I get that. It is your life. I know it's one thing to preach advice to a stranger but quite another to actually live in your shoes. I know you love this man and your heart is being stubborn no matter what your head says.

 

I'll leave you with one final thought. It's not all about you, or him. If the two of you have a child, it is your duty to raise that child as best you can. Do you really think this situation, this relationship, is a good fit for a child? Do you really feel like you'd be a responsible adult to raise a child in this dynamic? Do you think your future husband would be a good father and none of these issues here would present themselves again? Would you feel comfortable showing your child this conversation here, that you made the right decision in spite of it?

 

I think every would-be parent should ask themselves this before they rush off to have children. Just something to consider. Good luck.

[PhilliesFan001]

OP, I've been with my boyfriend for somewhere between 7-8 years.

 

I say somewhere because there was a period where we broke up. We were engaged. Granted we were not as close to the wedding as you, but serious problems began cropping up and it scared me enough to put a hold on the wedding. It's just not wise to marry someone and hope things will work out after the ceremony. I loved him to death, it broke my heart to call off the wedding, and I know it devastated him. But, it was the right thing to do. I was excited for the wedding, but nervous about the marriage, and that isn't normal.

 

We called it quits for a bit, took some time to cool down and are back together working on our issues. We're not officially engaged anymore, but we've slowly and steadily been sorting through things and if we were to get engaged tomorrow, I'd feel so much more confident in our future.

 

It's a horrible decision to have to make, I know. But sometimes the best thing is the hardest. It's not even just about the honeymoon and the ping pong show anymore, your subsequent posts have sounded alarm bells. Please consider what everyone is saying - most people here are pretty wise and many have marital experience.

[Snny]

Would you feel comfortable showing your child this conversation here, that you made the right decision in spite of it?

 

I think every would-be parent should ask themselves this before they rush off to have children. Just something to consider. Good luck.

Most astounded advice ever given.

 

I already got that sense from your earlier posts that no matter what we said, it's going to go out the other "ear." It's interesting how people come here to ask for advice and then just ignore all of it when several strangers take their own time to create a 12 page thread... just to persuade you of WHY you shouldn't marry this guy for your own future benefit.

 

I really hope your marriage does not transform you into a bitter woman who feels trapped and has to have sex with a man every night or he throws a fit. Sounds like a prison already.

 

And for the record, I was once engaged to a man who was controlling, abusive, and manipulative. Yea it hurt like hell to break off the engagement, but I am better off that I didn't marry him because he would of wrecked me in so many ways. I am now engaged to another man who respects me 10x more than my ex (and we're going to Disney for our honeymoon... strippers are for bachelor parties).

 

If I can do it, so can you.

[lalalollipops]

I had an ex that would throw hissy fits, insult me and threatened suicide too... It really eats away at your self esteem, the way they manipulate, control and degrade. Cos apparently 'I always have a way of making him so mad' and it's 'always my fault that I make him crazy.'

 

When I look back on this I just think, wow... Why did I LET him do this to ME?

I worked on myself after the BU and grew alot more tougher. If a guy just clearly doesn't respect you, there's no way in hell your relationship or marriage is going to be a happy one.

 

All it'll be is pain and regret. You really deserve so much more.

[lalalollipops]

And I want to add, that remember the Honeymoon is supposed to be when the men make the extra effort to *IMPRESS* their woman, regardless of how their marriage will turn out, the honeymoon is meant to be on a 'high' note. If this guy can't even make an attempt to respect your feelings, make YOU feel EXTRA special, extra pampered, deliriously happy on YOUR honeymoon.... Imagine what's to follow. -_-

Seriously take an hour out of your day and truly think about it. This guy is NOT a good man.

[Miss Firecracker]

I guess it comes down to this. You just don't believe you deserve respect.

[Donovan79]

Wow. Just wow.

 

So I have good friends in both Singapore and Thailand who encounter this stuff often, and for them it's hilarious, I hear many stories. PM me if you want to hear about "the Muppet Rule". But I would never, ever, ever ask a girl I cared about to be a part of all that. That he does with you frankly says there's no solution except finding another guy.

[penelope13]

OP, in light of some of your other current threads, I'd highly recommend that you at least postpone the wedding and undergo some therapy for yourself to learn how a healthy relationship looks like. You grew up in an environment that was toxic thus you never experienced a happy relationship while growing up. Just because your mother physically survived an abusive relationship doesn't have to mean that you don't deserve any better. - Stop the cycle and learn for yourself how to demand respect from yourself and any potential partner.

[Ms Darcy]

Your mother had an abusive relationship. You were abused as a child. You are entering an abusive marriage. You are assigning abuse to your future children. I think only you can stop this cycle.