What to do with my engagement ring?

[thousandyear]

My mind is in a state of relative peace right now… so 1 year after the end of our engagement, I can now finally allow myself to think about what to do with my engagement ring.

 

I won’t go into full details of my story, which some of you may have read through other threads, but basically 5 years of wonderfully happy relationship (I thought so anyways and he appeared to be so as well), he proposed, we had a big argument initiated immaturely and incorrectly by me but the inciting issue for me was his dependency on his parents/their overprotection, then his parents gave him the ultimatum – if he marries me they would disown him, persuaded him to see that I don’t love him (because his parents love him the most and want the best for him and knows what is best for him – that is what my ex said to me), and then he ended the engagement. Subsequently we went through 1 year of breadcrumbs and false hope as he went through a period of “confusion” (his own words to explain all the false hope he gave me). I know it was difficult for him to let go as well, for all his life he has listened to his parents, and they gave him life, they raised him and instilled values in him, they have protected him from any hardship and struggles in life (benefits of overprotection), so he knows he should listen to them but part of his heart at some point did love me and I think deep down inside he knows I have never done anything to harm him intentionally and have been there for him through all his difficult times while we were together and never left him even at his worst and believed in him when he did not believe in himself (he may not admit to that now, and I don’t need his recognition for I did it because I wanted to, for that is what love is to me).

 

This takes us to now. Our relationship was never just about the two of us… it was a relationship involving the families. I think we (my ex, his parents, and I) all lost with the end of the relationship, even though he may not think so right now or possibly his parents may appear to be/feel like the winner in all this (they managed to prevent their son from making the biggest mistake of his life – to marry me, a person who they believe does not love him, a person who disrespects and disobeys his parents, and a person in their mind would make a terrible mother (all words my ex has told me. Are their fears fair, realistic and based on knowing the real me? Even my ex, who to this day has not mentioned (perhaps he does not realize or believe) that his parents played any role in my inability to please them, in making our relationship difficult, in leading to the end of the relationship, said that their fears were a bit extreme.)). Sadly for my ex and his parents, although I am imperfect, there was no doubt that I loved their son completely including his shortcomings, and despite his parents treatment/attitude towards me, I am willing to try harder to please them to love them as my own parents, and had full intention of supporting them when they are older, and wanted to build as good of a relationship with them as possible especially when there are grandkids. They lost someone who place their son first in her heart, but they will likely never realize that for they think he will for sure be able to find a girl who meet all their criteria and love him more. We are the perfect example of the reason why prisoner’s dilemma exist… all too often people do not allow themselves to see or believe that together we make each other better and collectively we are better.

 

The end of our relationship was quite unfortunate since just looking at the two of us, we made one of the best couples – compatible on many things (common interests, understanding of each other’s work, intellectual equal), complementary on many things (our differences were real strengths in the long run in that he was better at some things and I was at others), there was no cheating, no addiction/abuse/personality disorder/etc, and had he had the capacity to forgive and the ability to be more independent in his thinking from his parents, we would have been able to make mistakes together, learn together and grow together through life. But that’s only if he had the capacity to forgive, capacity to allow himself to see that “book smart” people can make mistakes too as we are all human, capacity to accept that my inability to please his parents was not 100% my fault, capacity to see and value all the good things that we shared instead of finding faults to justify why I don’t love him or why he needed to end the engagement with me. I definitely made mistakes, but so did he. I have learned from them and am willing to grow and change for the better (I have mentioned everything to him), and I’m not sure whether he has learned anything as he never said anything to me about this and it doesn’t really matter to me know for he made his decision to end us.

 

So trying to look from an objective view, if I were reading the above story as if it were someone else’s, I was focusing on all the good qualities he had and all the happiness in our relationship and accepted his faults, whereas he was focusing on my faults and cannot get past them regardless of my good qualities and all the happiness in our relationship. Sure this definitely can help him to move on more quickly, reduce any guilt he may have (he has said openly that he feels guilty about the end of the relationship), convince himself that he made the right decision and prevent himself from having regrets later. As sad or as stupid as this may sound, I hope he did make the right decision for himself, I hope that his parents did the right thing to ensure their son’s future happiness (and not out of their own overlying extreme fear of “losing” their son to a person who does not love him, would “control” him and make a terrible mother, if he were to marry me), I hope that he will find someone better as he and his parents believe who will be compatible and complementary to him, who is able to please his parents and not make any mistakes in their mind, and I hope that he does not regret. I did not believe this and hence I tried so hard over the past year to try to make things work and try to make him see that they were just mistakes and if we both moved forward collectively we can build a beautiful relationship. Now I have accepted that he subconsciously does not want to try to understand and work things out, so I sincerely hope he made the right decision. Because then the end of this relationship really was truly deserving and we were not meant to be and would not have worked (kind of a worthwhile break-up). But if he ever does regret, I think I will go through more pain knowing that all the pain and sadness that I went through, all the effort that I put in trying to explain, trying to make him see that the things he could not get over were simply mistakes and misunderstanding, not bad well-planned actions of harm by me to him, that I have no intention of controlling him as he fears for I do not want a servant, but an equal partner in life (but I can see how he and his parents may see how my lack of support for his dependency on his parents and pointing out that he needs to mature and think independently can be seen as a form of control – stealing the son away).

 

I don’t have any anger towards him or his family. I sincerely wish he finds his happiness. Now question is how do I move on… my ex never asked for the engagement ring back (I guess I should thank him for that, as I think it would have been another blow when I was in the depth of despair) and I never allowed myself to think seriously about what to do with it over the past year since I was undergoing denial especially with all the false hope he gave me. Now finally I have allowed myself to think about what to do with the ring. I know ultimately the decision is up to me, what makes me comfortable, but as I think out loud here on the forum, I would also appreciate your opinion so that I can make sure that I didn’t miss something (we never know our own blindspots until others point them out to us):

 

1) Return the ring to him… after all it was a symbol of the promise of spending the rest of his life in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad with me… and that promise no longer holds and hence the symbol has no meaning anymore. Why keep something that will remind me of what he did or how little I meant to him? If I do return it, should I return it in person (then I’m likely going to cry and allow him to see how hurt I still am for I am not fully healed yet)? Or mail it to him (impersonal, kinda like how he first mentioned the break-up via text message… then I blew up and said at least you should do it in person… then of course over the past year I allowed him to basically break-up with me more than a handful of time as we went through breadcrumbs and periods of false hope)?

2) Don’t return the ring to him… he was the one who dumped me, not the other way around, so why return things to him that he gave me? Sure it does not hold its symbolic value, but it’s a piece of memory in my life… it has another symbol now, years down the road if I still have it and look back, it will symbolize the 5 year relationship we had, for that will be the only thing that I really have left from those 5 prime years of my life.

3) If I don’t return the ring, what should I do with it? A few people have mentioned getting rid of it (throwing it away, donating it, trading it in for another piece of jewellery) so that I don’t hold onto something that may potentially trigger sadness in the future.

4) Or should I bury it somewhere deep underneath many boxes in the storage and so that I won’t have easy access to it. Then slowly I won’t think about it, but perhaps someday when I am healed then it will form a nice memory of the happy times we had together (I still choose to focus on the good parts of the relationship and his good qualities rather than the bad. I probably can heal faster if I did what he is doing, which is to focus on the other person’s bad qualities and not be able to get past it. But that is not me and I am not saying I am better or my way is right. One thing for sure, I am hurting more.) But will I be strong enough not to look for it or think about it?

 

I’m leaning towards the last option. I wonder if in the future, many years down the road when I look back whether I will laugh at the amount of time that I spent just thinking about something which really does not matter for my future, since the person has already left, why should I torture myself over an object?

[Ain]

My opinion for any engagement ring once the engagement has been broken off is you should trade it for its value in cash. Wherever you can get the most for it, be it a jewelry store, pawn shop, etc. Do not keep the ring itself. Get cash for it. What you do with the cash is hard to say. I have always felt that if the woman breaks off the engagement she should return the ring or cash value to him. I suppose by the same token you should keep the value of the ring since he broke it off from you. Whatever you do I do not suggest keeping the ring. Get some other value out of it.

[Seraphim]

Give it back to him.

[charity]

give it back to him. it was given for the purpose of marriage and that is not going ahead anymore so i think the right thing to do would be to give it back.

[markie6]

Traditionally, it should be given back... if he had cheated or done some really bad stuff... then perhaps an open body of water

[Pinnacle]

I'm surprised at the "give it back" type of responses (though I agree wholeheartedly). Typically a lot of people like to rationalize that since it was technically gifted the receiving party can do anything they please. The engagement ring is a symbolic item. Since the meaning behind the ring doesn't exist anymore, it is best to just give it back to him. An engagement ring is not a financial transaction, but a symbolic one.

[pl3asehelp]

Another vote for giving it back.

[Ain]

I am too, which is why my response was more geared towards converting it into currency than who should get the value. I assumed most would want her to keep it.

[pl3asehelp]

I am too, which is why my response was more geared towards converting it into currency than who should get the value. I assumed most would want her to keep it.

 

To me keeping it would be uber materialistic and selfish and an insult to the idea of love and marriage.

[Seraphim]

I am too, which is why my response was more geared towards converting it into currency than who should get the value. I assumed most would want her to keep it.

 

Converting it to currency won't even come close to getting you the value of it. People think it will but it won't. Not only that but the what it was a symbol of no longer exists.

[duke nukem]

I don't know, this guy sounds like a complete weenie, I'm leaning towards the cash it in. Or keep it. Precious metals are worth more than paper money, hold value, etc. Or sell it and invest in some silver.

 

Either way, that guy is a weenie.

[FreeFallFeelin]

I'd give it back to him. Changing it for cash seems ....petty. We're talking about your soul here. Do you really want to see what the street value of your soul-bond is worth? A few hundred bucks?

 

I think you'll feel more proud of your actions if you just give it back to him, and let HIM figure out what to do with it. It will be a nice reminder of what he promised you at one time ;-)

[secondchance67]

Return the ring.

It is a symbol of WHAT WAS TO BE.

It is now a symbol of WHAT WILL NEVER BE.

 

Your hearts are no longer bound by that symbol......return it to him with dignity and grace......because that's what you possess, my friend....dignity and grace....traits that speak volumes about your character and intentions.

[Batya33]

I returned mine ASAP after we officially ended things (it took awhile to end things but I left the ring for him I think within a day or so of the break up -whenever it was that he said he would be able to retrieve it) and..... got it back over a decade later when we got back together!

[Firiel]

Batya, did he propose using the same ring? That's actually really sweet if he did!

[Batya33]

Batya, did he propose using the same ring? That's actually really sweet if he did!

 

Yes he did!

[Lightning87]

When me and my ex fiance split up, I gave my engagement ring to our son.

 

If we didn't have a child together, I don't know what I would have done. Give him it back? Sell it? Keep it? I don't know. Tough one!

[undercover007]

I am so sorry for what you had to go through.. I too know how it feels to go through a broken engagement. I was with my ex-fiance for 6 years but engaged for 1 year. It's been a month since the breakup so it's still very fresh. My case was a little different though because our relationships always had ups & downs. We had broken up several times before this but he managed to always come back into my life. I guess I thought because we were engaged things would be different. But I guess old habits don't change. He definitely had a lot of issues.. especially with communicating and dealing with problems. He also was a substance abuse user towards the end of our relationship which changed him a lot. I know in my heart that he did want to get married at one point, but I think his fear of being tied down overpowered it. All his friends are younger than him, single and have no care in the world. All they care about is getting drunk, doing drugs and partying. He got influenced by them and wanted to go out all the time and just get drunk/messed up. It's almost like he was going through a "mid-life crisis" since he's turning 30 this year. Anyway, it's been a very hard breakup, obviously since I pictured us getting married and having a future together. Now it's all gone.

 

Sorry, getting side tracked but I think you should sell the ring. I know it has meaning to you, but I don't think he deserves to have it back. That ring was a gift to you. I still have mines and am going to wait awhile before I decide to sell it. It's too hard for me to part from it right now but eventually when I am ready, I am going to sell it.

 

If you ever need to talk (since are in kind of similar situations), you can always pm me!

[Heartdead]

I would say there are no hard and fast rules to this, but from friends that have been through this they mostly say if the girl leaves the guy she should return the ring. If the guy leaves the girl, it is hers to do with as she chooses. Unless, he specifically asks for it back at the time of the breakup.

[Wildflower88]

Pawn it

[Alpine]

Personally, I would give it back to the guy... I would feel guilty keeping it or trading it in for cash; feel kinda weird about benefiting financially from a painful situation. (Even if the guy was a jerk...) I would still give it back.

[Capricorn3]

Give it back.

[abitbroken]

I agree with giving the ring back to him. If he refuses it or tells you he rather have you keep it, it is free to do as you wish. The engagement was broken. It doesn't matter who ended it. The engagement is off. If you had married, it would be yours to keep.

[chitown9]

My girlfriend had the engagement ring made into a necklace...

[thousandyear]

I would say there are no hard and fast rules to this, but from friends that have been through this they mostly say if the girl leaves the guy she should return the ring. If the guy leaves the girl, it is hers to do with as she chooses. Unless, he specifically asks for it back at the time of the breakup.

 

That's what I have heard from most people that I have spoken to around me as well. Given he ended the engagement and never asked for the ring back, hence I was debating what to do with it. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, especially if the guy ended the relationship and went back on his words, chances are if he no longer upholds his own promise, and he did not ask for the ring back, he doesn't really care that much what happens to the ring.

 

Thanks for everyone's input and suggestions! I really appreciate it.

 

The ring is meaningless to me now, and I do not need the monetary value of this ring, and never wanted him for money. Even though he and his family has treated me with less respect over the past year than anyone ever has (he likely does not realize this as he is focusing mostly on his own pain/confusion, doing what is best for himself, and on the few occasions when I mentioned to him that he was not being very respectful, he had somewhat taken offense), even though he cannot forgive (I suspect he subconsciously is angry at me for ruining the relationship by not being able to please his parents and making unacceptable mistakes in his mind), I do not want to treat him (or anyone else) with lack of respect and I have forgiven him and his family (even though they never asked). My motto in life is to treat others as I would want to be treated. I loved him and accepted him for who he was and that included his immature side . So now that the engagement is off, I should return the ring. I don't need it as a memory trigger in the future.

 

Question is whether to do it in person, have someone else deliver it to him or mail it. Any suggestions? Any dumper's perspective? Thanks!