My boyfriend's nonexistant career is affecting my feelings for him

[Kalika]

Hi ENA

 

I don't know what to do about this situation. I've been with my bofriend for over a year and a half. A month ago we got into a bad argument and on the spur of the moment, he quit his job. I don't consider it a huge loss because it was only a $9/hr job anyways but it's the principle of it. Now he's looking for another job - but the jobs he is looking at are more minimum wage jobs. My boyfriend is 95% done with his bachelor's degree but has to work right now just to earn a living and can't afford to go back to school to finish off his last semester.

 

I have a house, a son and a career. My boyfriend is a loving, amazing person and I have the best time with him. I get along with him better than anyone else I have ever dated. But unfortunately right now I make about triple what he does and it's turning into a huge turn off to me, especially when he tells me he might try to use his connections to get a job at our local grocery store. I mean, he's 29, not 15. I feel like he simply doesn't have the time nor the luxury to hold off starting a real career while he continues to pursue jobs that barely pay minimum wage.

 

I want a future - I want to get married one day and to be able to travel and take vacations and just live a relatively decent life without struggling. His employment situation is making me think that despite the fact that we get along so well, and despite the fact that my son loves and adores him, I may be ending the relationship. I don't know if I will regret it though .. but right now my feelings for him are definitely cooling off.

 

A few nights ago I was really upset and depressed and told him that I never want to get married and told him never to ask me. He responded by saying that he has personal things to take care of, and that he never went into this relationship "just to get married." The truth is, though, that I just don't see myself making that commitment to HIM with things the way they are. In truth I really do want what most people want, which is marriage and a solid future.

 

I feel terrible but I am not sure that at my age, I really want to "waste" another year ...

 

Any thoughts/suggestions???

 

Thanks

[Alpine]

Why is it that he can't afford to go back to school and finish his last semester? Surely if he is 95% done, he can live extremely frugally for one more semester/have you or a family member or something else support him while he finishes? I'm not sure about where you live, but over here you get government benefits (money from the government each week) to complete your degree. It seems such a shame that he has only completed 95% of his bachelor degree, if it were me I would want to get it finished and get qualified so that all that college money/student loans aren't for nothing!

 

I totally understand how you are feeling though. It is completely normal and justified to be concerned about your future with him. Did you explain to him why you were feeling that you never want to get married? Have you sat down and spoken to him explicitly about his financial position and why it concerns you?

[LDRohnos]

Well, I think it's double standard time. Think if I was posting here or telling you that I'm thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend because she doesn't make enough? It's not as if your boyfriend is a deadbeat who doesn't want to work, he's just making his way in life just as you are. I think you're overreacting and basing decisions off some fantasy you have rather than reality. You said you have a good relationship with him otherwise...why sacrifice that because you might need to drive a Ford Focus rather than a BMW M3?

 

I'm not judging you, you just have different priorities in life than I do for certain I think that if this is a deal breaker for you then you need to find someone who has more career aspirations ahead of them.

[pl3asehelp]

I really can't think of ANY reason why, if he's 95% done with his degree, why he couldn't just finish it. I'm sure he has excuses and maybe because you've been hearing them so long they make sense to you in some way, but from an outsiders perspective, there's really no valid reason he couldn't finish now. He could find a way to make it work. I'd be concerned that he just quit his job on the spur of the moment without a replacement when he's already having financial problems - that's really irresponsible and would be a big enough red flag for me to stop viewing him as marriage and father material.

[Alpine]

Well, I think it's double standard time. Think if I was posting here or telling you that I'm thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend because she doesn't make enough? It's not as if your boyfriend is a deadbeat who doesn't want to work, he's just making his way in life just as you are. I think you're overreacting and basing decisions off some fantasy you have rather than reality. You said you have a good relationship with him otherwise...why sacrifice that because you might need to drive a Ford Focus rather than a BMW M3?

 

I'm not judging you, you just have different priorities in life than I do for certain I think that if this is a deal breaker for you then you need to find someone who has more career aspirations ahead of them.

 

I would disagree with you and think that the OP is complete justified in being concerned about their financial position. It's different from just finding his feet in his career - working at a grocery store at 29 years of age is different from trading a BMW for a ford... and if I were a guy I would be equally concerned if I had a girlfriend who had a 95% finished degree yet worked at a grocery store when she was nearly 30.

[Kalika]

LD - I completely disagree with you; I think you may have a leg to stand on if I was sitting at home all day expecting him to support me, but as that's not the case, I think your post highly incorrect and a bit naive as well.

 

Karliah - he can't return to school to finish because he has to pay back his loans before he can get another one. He already owes about $15K which he has to pay back in order to get more aid. Plus he also has other debt he has to pay back. He has no choice but to work FT right now. He knows I am not happy about his job situation but I don't think he really thinks we'll actually break up because of it, since we get along so well and every other aspect of our relationship is great.

[pl3asehelp]

LD - I completely disagree with you; I think you may have a leg to stand on if I was sitting at home all day expecting him to support me, but as that's not the case, I think your post highly incorrect and a bit naive as well.

 

Karliah - he can't return to school to finish because he has to pay back his loans before he can get another one. He already owes about $15K which he has to pay back in order to get more aid. Plus he also has other debt he has to pay back. He has no choice but to work FT right now. He knows I am not happy about his job situation but I don't think he really thinks we'll actually break up because of it, since we get along so well and every other aspect of our relationship is great.

 

Those excuses are not valid. They are that of a lazy unmotivated person who, not suprisiginly, is going on 30 and hoping to make $9/hr at a grocery store. As long as you continue to accept those excuses, he'll plod along like this.

[Kalika]

Those excuses are not valid.

 

What do you mean pl3asehelp .. ? I don't know what part of it you think is invalid - that he has to work full time ?

[annie24]

I'm not sure how he thinks he's going to pay back $15K in student loans if he's working for $9. His explanation doesn't make sense. He needs to figure out another way to get a student loan, even if it's a personal loan from a bank. Or a friend or family member. If he's 95% done, that sounds like he just has 1 more semester to go. It makes sense to finish that, even if it sucks for a few months, and then he has the degree.

 

As for the other thing - you guys had a fight and then he decided to quit his job spur of the moment. Huh?!? this makes NO sense at all. I don't see the connection there.

 

His decision making skills worry me more than his lack of funds.

[LDRohnos]

LD - I completely disagree with you; I think you may have a leg to stand on if I was sitting at home all day expecting him to support me, but as that's not the case, I think your post highly incorrect and a bit naive as well.

 

I think your post and your point of view is very negative and I'll leave it at that. I won't jump on the bandwagon and say this guy is holding you back from your dreams. If you feel he is then you need to ditch him and find someone in the here and now. He's 29 years old, not 50.

[DN]

This seems fairly simple. Let him choose his own path in life and you look for someone who makes enough money to satisfy you.

[sadchick83]

Dont do anything drastic, but keep the whole idea of breaking up in your head for the next month or two. If you still feel the same way in say 2 months, break up. Life is too short. My ex is uneducated, from a broken family, makes much less than I do, and may have been "ok" with it in the beginning, but slowly he became resentful of me.

 

I actually believe OP, that you do not have a problem with his situation, its that he does, and the derivatives of this are dampening the relationship.

 

Dont settle. My new guy is very successful, has several degrees, and is such a breath of fresh air for me. Yes he has some flaws, but they are not in the achievement department. Put it this way, at least your current guy has set the bar super low for the next guy!

[pl3asehelp]

What do you mean pl3asehelp .. ? I don't know what part of it you think is invalid - that he has to work full time ?

 

annie24 provided a few reasons why his excuses aren't valid. Those are just a few ideas. If he were motivated and this was his main priority he could be even more creative in finding solutions. Looking at his expenses, sell his car, move in with family rent free for a while, so many ways. Jeez, I think I'd sleep at a homeless shelter for the length of a semester if that's what I had to do to finish, being that close.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with working for $9/hr at a grocery store for the rest of your life either, but when you're that close to finishing your BS, it's foolish not to do everything you could to make that happen.

 

What is his BS in, by the way?

[DN]

His 'excuses' are valid for him. Adults are allowed to make their own decisions and choices in life and must bear the consequences of them. Some people prefer to be unambitious in a career sense and live their life in a less stressful way - a way that works for them. Others prefer to live their life in a different way and want to make money in order to have the things they want. This is called freedom of choice.

 

But what you don't get to do (or should not, at least) is to pressure people into making choices based on what you want from life. If someone isn't making enough money for you to be able to buy what you want then look for someone who is. If you want to live on a desert island and lead a simple life don't pressure someone to live with you who wants to be urban sophisticate.

 

There is nothing wrong with having different ambitions or not being ambitious at all in the generally accepted sense.

[Alpine]

This seems fairly simple. Let him choose his own path in life and you look for someone who makes enough money to satisfy you.

 

I don't really think it's about making enough money to satisfy her... I think it's about making enough money to jointly support a household. I think it's very responsible that couples talk about things such as finances before they make huge commitments to each other. If the OP and her boyfriend did decide to commit to each other and get married, there is no way he could contribute financially to the household on $9 an hour and this is why she is worried (it's got nothing to do with gender, I would be equally as concerned if it were the female who was stuck in a financial rut.)

 

That being said, the job market is very difficult at the moment. It is also extremely difficult to get a well-paid job when you have no qualifications. You didn't mention anything in your OP about how motivated he is to get back on his feet career-wise - maybe it is difficult for him to find a job at the moment? Could he take the job at the grocery store while at the same time continue to look for a better paid job? It sounds like he is trying. Maybe when you talk to him you could say that you're proud that he's trying so hard to find a job, especially when the market is so challenging at the moment, but you would also like to know what his long-term plans are and that you are worried about your financial security as a couple.

 

I think it is completely justified that the OP is concerned about their long-term plan and finances. It is naive to make big commitments in a relationship without considering the implications of your future together.

[DN]

See my subsequent post.

[Alpine]

See my subsequent post.

 

Yes, adults are allowed to make their own decisions and choices in life as you say. But when you are in a serious relationship with someone and considering marriage, not only do you need to think of yourself, but you need to make decisions together with your partner. This doesn't mean you should disregard all of your life goals and ambitions, nor does this mean you should force your partner into following a life path that they do not want to follow. But it does mean that you need to think about the both of you and your life together - including finances.

 

If he wanted to chose a career path where he made less money than she did, but it was still enough to in some way contribute to a household and a life with his partner, then I would say that would be fine. But where he is at the moment is a position where financial hardship will occur if it goes on for an extended period of time. And in this case I think, if you are in a long term relationship or marriage with someone, you really need to think about the future implications for both of you.

[DN]

Apparently the OP's boyfriend has not proposed nor does she say he wants children at the moment.

 

It's all very well to say "make decisions together' but that almost always means, in cases like this, 'you need to make more money' and that is the end of the discussion - there is no real respect for a different point of view. For proof, look at the responses on this thread which are almost all critical because he isn't choosing to get a career making more money. The chances of someone agreeing with him if he were to say "I think my girlfriend is too hungry for money and material things and I don't want to live under that sort of stress" is slight.

[annie24]

His 'excuses' are valid for him. Adults are allowed to make their own decisions and choices in life and must bear the consequences of them.

 

I definitely agree. No one can do the work for him. I agree that if the OP has a problem with it, to find a different boyfriend.

[Alpine]

Apparently the OP's boyfriend has not proposed nor does she say he wants children at the moment.

 

It's all very well to say "make decisions together' but that almost always means, in cases like this, 'you need to make more money' and that is the end of the discussion - there is no real respect for a different point of view. For proof, look at the responses on this thread which are almost all critical because he isn't choosing to get a career making more money. The chances of someone agreeing with him if he were to say "I think my girlfriend is too hungry for money and material things and I don't want to live under that sort of stress" is slight.

 

True, however the OP did state she wants to get married one day and have a 'future' which means the relationship is fairly serious in her eyes. If he does not see the relationship in this way (as a serious relationship) then that is a whole different issue.

 

I really don't think she is "hungry for money and material things." I think she is just concerned about their financial position. Like I said, it would be different if he had some career prospects (I don't know- maybe he does? The OP didn't mention anything about his long-term plan) but working at a grocery store for $9 it's not really about wanting a boyfriend that earns more money, but about being concerned about encountering financial hardship. He isn't choosing a career path at all - unless of course he plans to work his way up at the grocery store and land more managerial positions in the future - I don't know, maybe he does. I would have no problem if he was making little money but still pursuing a career and have some ideas about long-term goals. So maybe the issue is less about the amount of money he is making and more about the fact that he has no long-term goal? I don't know.

[Jack3d]

Ok, so if the dude is "95% done" with his degree he'd get a loan and finish if he wanted it bad enough. And he can't use the "I don't want to owe loans after college" excuse. Everybody has student loans and everybody eventually pays them off. One loan for one semester won't kill him. Like I said though, if he wanted it bad enough, he'd finish and then he'd be able to begin a real career and job.

[Seraphim]

It is probably a case of different priorities and goals in life. Unfortunately even when you love someone you can not make them into something you want them to be. People have to be who they are. Relationships work much better if we find someone who meets our expectations and needs from the beginning not just count on love to get us through. That seldom works when it is just love alone.

[Lonewing]

The first thing to reaize is that his degree is not a silver bullet. Yes, it may be 95% from completion, but even having it does not guarantee a job - ANY job. If he's $15k away from going back to school, it will be a while before he can go back. I'm not sure adding another 10k or even 5k will result in either the degree or a "good" job. I have my bacholers and my masters. I can tell you right now, the degree is no silver bullet. I've met too many unemployed Doctorates who are in the same boat.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with a grocery store job or any other "menial" job that's out there. $9.00 an hour? I'll put that in perspective, in my area starting teachers are lucky to make $$32.5 - that's $16.25 an hour - and that's for a job that 9 months out of the years is literally 12 hours days 5 days a week, plus 6 hours Sunday. Subtract out about $300 a month for taxes and another $300 for healthcare, and well, you're looking at not much mroe than that grocery store job. If you put in your time - 3-5 years, and get that MA [aka another 10-25k] they'll raise that salary to $45k.

 

Let's face it, you want a husband who is a Dr. or a successful salemans or something golden and fancy you can show off. You categorize your status based upon your man's job. You want to be able to say "I married a Winner - and a Winner in your book [many women's book] is categorized by a man who makes high 5 - low 6 figures. If anybody wants to say "I don't really think it's about making enough money to satisfy her... I think it's about making enough money to jointly support a household," well, good job, you've just undercut the contributions of secondary breadwinners for the last couple decades. Secondary breadwinners who are, by and large, women.

 

Just because women are now getting paid more and moving up into better careers does not mean there will instantly be more good paying jobs for the men who have been displaced from those careers. What it means is there are now jobs available in those lower menial positions where it was mostly women before. And it is up to Women to understand this and accept this liability that comes with being in jobs that are legitimate primary breadwinner jobs - which means somebody will now be in that lower position, someone who may very well be a man. If not, well, you can enjoy being single with kids, which seems to be a common trend nowadays. Granted, I understand most of these arrangements work due to Child Support, but once the man no longer has his job, it's only a matter of time before the child support reevaluation goes through and finds that his liability is much lower than what is was at the onset.

 

You'll probably be just as well moving on from him, because clearly this affects how you think about people, and it's not going to change any time soon. His lot in life will not be changing any time soon, either. He will likey always be in a "lower capacity" in this life, and you are not ok with people who are in "lower capacities." If he's good with kids, I'm sure he'll find a woman who is ok with it, though,

 

If the grocery store job starts out at $9.00 an hour, he should take it. It's a good job. If anything, it keeps his resume active, because long jobless spans become more and more painful the longer he goes without a job. Be honest when yourself when you look at his resume, just what jobs can he get and in this economy? I know you'd love to see him be super competitive, but he's not. If he doesn't believe in selling someone somethign they don't need, he'll never be a good salesman. He's probably shelled out his life potential to this BS/BA, when honestly, he should have gone to community college and got an AA - or even ,if he had spent the last 5-10 years working in that grocery store, he'd be middle management by now, with a really good resume and a number of positive references. Or at the very least, he'd have a steady income and few bills to speak of.

 

Anyhow...DN's got this one down pat...

[Batya33]

It is probably a case of different priorities and goals in life. Unfortunately even when you love someone you can not make them into something you want them to be. People have to be who they are. Relationships work much better if we find someone who meets our expectations and needs from the beginning not just count on love to get us through. That seldom works when it is just love alone.

 

 

I agree with this although admittedly a little reluctantly because I am tempted to be frustrated with the bf's lack of motivation and his excuses for his decisions. But, yes, another woman might be more than fine with his choices and not care about whether there is money in the bank let alone money to travel. My suggestion is similar to Sadchicks to hang out another two months and evaluate at that time.

[redrose85]

I think some of you are being really unfair on the OP. Whether we all like it or not, financial stability is essential for a comfortable life. That’s all OP wants.