My boyfriend's nonexistant career is affecting my feelings for him

[Thorshammer]

Its whatever she finds attractive, and apparently, she doesnt find this type of life-aggression, or this view of life as attractive. She's entitled to that. Shes made a judgement call based on his behavior/out-look and his potential maybe might not seem as attractive to her due to his current situation? Whatever it is, its not tickling her attraction bone.

 

People here can argue with what I find attractive (and i know i would get a few of you debating me for weeks), but regardless, its what i find attractive, its what makes me giddy and happy and attached to the person.

[Lonewing]

That attitude bothers me, as well. I have other priorities in life, and for me, they're much more enjoyable and fulfilling. (Ironically, I'm making more than I ever have, but that's just career inertia, really.)

 

I also agree with Lonewing, in that ending oppression has unintended consequences. (a.k.a. "no good deed goes unpunished.") When a group is unjustly denied access to jobs, and that group is finally let in, the "pie" is indeed going to get sliced smaller and smaller. It's unrealistic and immature to say, "I want some of what you had before, but I expect you to still have more." That said, I disagree that the pie can't grow. Economies grow and shrink all the time.

 

The pie can't grow because the overall pile of resources, when compared to the number of people in the economy, remains roughly constant. If anything, the pie has grown smaller, particularly in the last two decades where the contrast in the distribution of wealth has increased even further between the the top earners and everybody else.

 

If he's happy making $9 an hour, and he can pay most of his bills and keep the house together on it, well, that's more freedom for the Op to apply herself even deeper into her own career, thus enabling her to get into high management positions where indeed one can't just "up and run" at the drop of the hat to go take care of something at home [the kids]. Further, if she ever has to move to an even better position elsewhere, he's still golden because with his skill set, he can get a job ANYWHERE [because he's not picky and he makes low demands] so that removes that hurdle as well.

[Lonewing]

Perhaps in the course of that argument she said he'd be better off without that job altogether, and he said "Fine - I'll Quit" - and then carried through with it.

 

Base line, yeah... I don't believe paying the bills in this household is the issue, it's simply HIM having a CAREER she can be proud of...which right now, he has a "Career" she is embarassed of.

 

Looking at his background form that other thread, it's very well he should be considering Bankruptcy right now, which is a rather mature way of admitting defeat and then starting over. It's what it's there for, afterall.

[Alpine]

If he's happy making $9 an hour, and he can pay most of his bills and keep the house together on it,

 

The OP has stated that she is paying most of the bills because he can't afford it. I think it's unfair that she should have to pay most of the expenses and be unhappy about it, while he has the freedom to follow his so-called autonomous life choices.

[DN]

The OP has stated that she is paying most of the bills because he can't afford it. I think it's unfair that she should have to pay most of the expenses and be unhappy about it, while he has the freedom to follow his so-called autonomous life choices.

He certainly should not be taking financial advantage. If he wants to live a life without much money he should not glom onto someone else but should face the consequences of his decision. But that does not mean he should change if he doesn't want to - he should simply move out and be independent.

[Alpine]

^ Precisely. If he's happy not making that much money and following his current path, then he needs to consider that the relationship may not work because it's unfair for the OP to be unhappily footing all the bills and household expenses. Like I mentioned earlier, in a committed relationship (living together etc) you need to recognise that your decisions do have consequences for the other person too. Of course he's free to do whatever he pleases with his life, but if his choices are not compatible with his girlfriend's and if he can't contribute to a partnership household then he needs to move out and do it by himself.

[LDRohnos]

I'm not 100% sure this is just about compatibility moreso than the OP doesn't want to be burdened by his debts, which apparently are substantial.

[LDRohnos]

I think the "not attracted" to him part of the equation here is written in red and is coming off as a loss of love/affection when in reality it's avoiding taking on his debt in the future.

[lavenderdove]

If there is a serious gap in ambition it is a problem if you want someone who is more equivalent to you in terms of goals and what you think is appropriate in terms of ambition/desire to make more money or have a certain lifestyle.

 

But he is clearly choosing the road that leads to less rather than more if he is only one semester away from a degree and is not doing what it takes to finish it. People can and do work fulltime and finish school as well, so he is basically letting you know that he is OK being the grocery guy, and may in fact prefer it.

 

It would bother me if he just quit his job on the spur of the moment after an argument. That shows he is more than willing to have you support him if he's unhappy for whatever reason, and doesn't see supporting himself as a top priority or he wouldn't quit a job until he had another one.

 

I went thru this with an ex-husband... i didn't lose respect for him because he didn't make enough money, i lost respect for him because he didn't take being an adult seriously and preferred not to work even if that meant i carried all the financial load while he lounged around watching sports on TV. So i think what you need to do here is examine your own goals really well and decide whether you are OK with a guy who only works at minimum wage jobs and who will quit a job and rely on your income if he's in a snit. What you see is what you get!

[Ms Darcy]

The OP has stated that she is paying most of the bills because he can't afford it. I think it's unfair that she should have to pay most of the expenses and be unhappy about it, while he has the freedom to follow his so-called autonomous life choices.

 

And I think if this is the case, she should move on. She needs someone who contributes equitably.

[SarahRose]

My question is that if he only has one semester left then why isn't he looking for work in that field now???

 

If I had one semester left in computer science or whatever, I wouldn't be looking to push the carts at walmart, I'd be looking for something with computers.

[Kalika]

Hey everyone.

 

I can see this thread has taken on a life of its own. Clearly I should have put more details in, but I would like to address several things:

 

#1). He CANNOT GO TO SCHOOL. He was told that he needs to pay back his loans steadily for at least 9 months, AFTER he puts down a major down payment to the lender. He was given several payment plan options. ALL of those plans require a huge monthly down payment and then after the 9 months they will consider whether to give him another loan to finish off his degree. His degree will be in business and finance.

 

#2). I can't seriously believe I have to defend this, but NO, I am NOT LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO'S RICH OR WHO HAS "STATUS" and whoever thinks that needs to read a little more between the lines and stop assuming things about me that are completely FALSE. What I really should have added, but did not for brevity's sake, is that my boyfriend is really handy, has tons of tools, and I actually wanted him to do something along those lines. I think it would pay more than $9/hr at a grocery store. I would be happy, at this rate, if he made $35K which I don't think is even that much but at least then, he can be self sufficient and pay his damn school loans back. There are job postings around here for people to do carpentry, hang drywall, etc.. he's good at it and he knows his stuff and I think he should do that rather than waste another year or two at another menial paying job. Most people I know that do that type of work can make at least $30-40K a year and can at least support themselves, which my boyfriend cannot currently do.

 

#3). I think it's stupid to say it's not his "priority" to be rich and so I shouldn't punish him for this. That's all fine and dandy but the reality is I AM PAYING 99% OF OUR BILLS. It's not MY priority to pay for all the extra expenses I have incurred for food, entertainment, utilities, etc. I HAVE A SON I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF. I don't have the LUXURY of saying money isn't a priority or some other such nonsense. I think that anyone who doesn't think money is important is stupid. It destroys tons of relationships when people don't have it. I have seen that firsthand. And while I don't need to be rich, I at least need a partner that isn't for better terms, mooching off of me and in denial that he is doing so.

 

#4). It is a turn off to me that my boyfriend, who has a lot of debt, thinks that HE had the luxury to quit his job, however crappy it was. It was completely unfair for him to do that. And the huge fight we got into right before he quit his job was because I wrote out a grocery list and asked him to pick up the groceries for me while I was cooking dinner. Total cost of said groceries would have been about $50 bucks, but he made a huge stink about it, which is why we got into an argument that was really bad, and he never went back to work after that.

[Applewhite]

He is selfish, taking advantage of you and not even trying to hide it. What do you plan on doing about this?

[Batya33]

As for number 2 you're making the assumption that he has the level of ambition necessary to get out there and get a better paying job given his skills. He doesn't. Did he ever (I bet it's not a total surprise). What you want him to want to do isn't going to happen, unfortunately.

[Kalika]

He is selfish, taking advantage of you and not even trying to hide it. What do you plan on doing about this?

 

I talked to him today and I told him how unhappy I was with all of his excuses and his irresponsibility. He says he gets it and is going to stop making excuses for everything but I'm not sure that he REALLY gets it.

 

It really, really doesn't help that in the midst of all this, I just found out that two days ago, my friend got engaged to her boyfriend - they started going out maybe only 6 months before my boyfriend and I got together (thanks a lot, facebook!!!). And then tonight, my boyfriend's friend told me that he's popping the question to HIS girlfriend this v-day and showed me a picture of the ring and told me how hard he had been working to get the money for it.

 

I truly feel like total crap right now.

[Ellie2006]

Kalika, one question: would you two consider living apart, WITHOUT breaking up, so that you dont feel drained by his financial situation?

 

While I agree with those who said that your bf needs to set pace for his own life, I wonder if he would have so easily quit his job, if he knew he HAD to pay rent, groceries, utilities on his own, without knowing someone else (i.e. you) will pick up his slack.

 

And if he's currently not working (and even after he gets the job at your local grocery store), how is he planning to make the (substantial) monthly down payments on his loan?

Is his family willing to help him out OR will you have to help?

 

I think your bf must be a great guy -- why else would you be conflicted otherwise?

 

But like someone else said, timing is everything.

Just as you can't pressure him to move along your pace, I think it would be unfair for you to postpone your plans (for marriage, etc.) for him.

Especially since he has said outright that he has personal issues to deal with first and marriage is NOT top priority to him right now.

 

Are you willing to wait a couple years for him to get his financial situation resolved?

If you want to marry him, that's what it might boil down to...

[Ms Darcy]

I talked to him today and I told him how unhappy I was with all of his excuses and his irresponsibility. He says he gets it and is going to stop making excuses for everything but I'm not sure that he REALLY gets it.

 

It really, really doesn't help that in the midst of all this, I just found out that two days ago, my friend got engaged to her boyfriend - they started going out maybe only 6 months before my boyfriend and I got together (thanks a lot, facebook!!!). And then tonight, my boyfriend's friend told me that he's popping the question to HIS girlfriend this v-day and showed me a picture of the ring and told me how hard he had been working to get the money for it.

 

I truly feel like total crap right now.

 

Actually, I think those events are helpful. You want marriage with a partner who can contribute. AND, it's possible. Your friends are finding that. The longer you wait to pull the trigger on ending this relationship, the longer it will take for you to find what your friends are finding.

 

Good luck.