BF birthday this weekend, worried about pot smoking.

[chitown9]

you guys think I should tell him something like, "There is something I want to talk to you about tonight when I come over."

 

No, it sounds too ominous. Just tell him when you go over there. I am just afraid you will forget which version of your statement to tell him. There have been so many

 

Please let us know how this plays out since this has been a team effort....chi

[Moontiger]

hahaha! True chitown! The way I figure it it won't come out perfectly but I'll get my main points accross in non-attack like manner. I just want to express my needs (have drugs not be part of my life) and see how he response.

[chitown9]

I just want to express my needs (have drugs not be part of my life) and see how he response.

 

I am sure that you are kinda anxious as to what his response is going to be. You are going to just have to let the chips fall where they may... chi

[Moontiger]

Hey everyone,

 

So I think last night went well over-all. I of course forgot half of what I wanted to say but we still had an nice talk about everything. He got of work late and was hungry and tired so I was afraid we might not get to talk. We went out to get a quick dinner and he could tell that something was on my mind. He asked if I was alright, I told him I was tired because I did not want to get into a talk like this in public. We left the restaurant and as we were driving back to his place I asked him if I could talk to him about something, he said of course I could. I explained that being around drug use made me very uncomfortable and that if I started to feel uncomfortable at the party I would leave. He said he understood, that it would most likely be in just on room and not out in the main area. I said something like that was good to know. I just wanted to let him know how I felt.

 

I then said something like, "You have been very honest with me about your own use and I wanted to ask if you see that continuing to be a part of your life." I don't think he was expecting this line of questions. He said he had never really thought about it. It is something he likes doing once or twice a year but as he gets old he is less and less interested in getting " * * * * ed up". He always told me that he has never bought it and never keeps any on him or in his home. As he put it, "I don't need to get busted for possession. He then said something like, "Its not something I would ever do in front of you." I said I appreciated that but that this was a big issues for me. He asked if I would be pissed if he did it again. I said, "Ideally, for me, you would not do it at all. Your an adult, I don't want to be controlling. I just want you to know how I feel." He said if it upset me he would not do it. I then said again that he's an adult and I just want him to know how I feel.

 

He said, "I never knew it was such a big issue for you." I replied that it is a big issue for me for many reasons and went over all the things that had happened with my family adding, "Its hard to get past stuff like that." He said something like, "I will think twice before doing it again." and asked if it was a deal breaker for me. This is the one part of the conversation that I'm not sure I handled correctly because I didn't reply yes or no I said, "It will be in the future." He said something articulate like, "Oh!" and I said, "I just think that if this relationship is going to progress we should talk about it now."

 

That is pretty much where things left off.

 

So, what do you guys think? To lostandhurt, I sent you a message about this conversation but this version has a few more details I think.

[Huntress0527]

It sounds like he is open to the discussion to quit and isn't invalidating your feelings, so that's a good thing! I think you handled it pretty well except for the 'it will be in the future' comment because when exactly is the future? This upcoming party, 2 years, 10 years from now? You should just straight shoot and say yes drug use is a dealbreaker for me but that I do appreciate you being open and honest with me. Ask if he is going to quit then ask for when?.

 

* Also as a side note. 1-2 times a year is pretty good and awesome that he doesn't keep it in his home. If it were me personally I would let this rest because he doesn't do it hardly at all but again that's just me.

[Moontiger]

That's just it Huntress, its already a rare thing for him to do, I don't want to be pushy with him but it is something that I really don't like. I do regret not handle that part of the conversation better, I should have just said yes. We will see how things go. The next time this comes up I will be more direct.

 

EDIT: One thing I really liked about the talk, we both remained really calm. This is the first "big talk" we have had really and it was great to see how he communicates about big topics like this.

[Huntress0527]

You did the right thing then and now he knows how you feel about it. It's up to him now if he wants to continue to smoke or not. I wouldn't be too pushy on the subject now that you put it out in the open.

[chitown9]

Well, I definitely think that he got the message that you would like to see him put a full stop to the pot smoking, but i wish you had made it crystal clear that it is a dealbreaker for you now and forever. chi

[Moontiger]

yaaaa, I don't know what I was think not just being direct with that. I get really nervous and sometimes things just come out wrong. I do think he go the message, he is a very calm but very emotional person if that makes sense. The term, "Still waters run deep" is the best way I can describe him. So, I think given that, I think now that he knows how much this emotional effects me there is a good chance he will no do it again. He said somewhere in this conversation about the party that he felt bad because he did not want my feelings to be hurt or for me to be uncomfortable. I told him that he could not control other peoples actions just his own. That's when I asked if he saw it as being part of his life.

 

We will see what happens.

[Moontiger]

I wanted to add something that happened after what I have already told you guys. We were back at his place and I hugged him and said thank you for listening to me. I think that him listening, being open, acknowledging my feelings, and him being the one to bring up quitting using pot were all good signs so I wanted to just let him know that without, you know, saying all of that. So, I hugged and thanked him. He hugged me and said he was nervous, I asked why and he said, "Well, other things I have done you might not be happy with." This got me a little nervous but I keep myself calm and asked, "Like what?" and he said, "Well, like, sleeping with a lot of woman." I started laughing because that was something I already knew.

 

He is the type of guy who, when in a relationship is loyal, but when single has no problem hooking up with woman. He was upfront with me about that from the start so I thought it was funny he would bring it up now. I pretty much said that to him and told him that as long as he was only sleeping with ME now then there was no problem.

[lostandhurt]

Once again openess and honesty prevails!!! Yippeeeeeeeeeeee

 

You did a very difficult thing but it was the right thing for you. Don't beat yourself up about not saying everything you wanted or being more direct about it being a dealbreaker for you. He got the message that if wants to keep seeing you he has a choice to make.

 

Well done

 

Lost

[pl3asehelp]

Just tell him you're not cool with pot smoking and if that's something he is cool with, you're not a good fit. You tell him your expectation and he has a choice. That's not controlling. Be prepared for him to walk though because many many people feel it's harmless - far more harmless than alcohol - and that those who think otherwise just aren't educated about it or have enough experience to have an informed opinion about it. My brother died from a heroin overdose and he smoked pot, but I think pot is completely harmless for a responsible person. I live in CA where you can buy it at the store though...

[Batya33]

Just tell him you're not cool with pot smoking and if that's something he is cool with, you're not a good fit. You tell him your expectation and he has a choice. That's not controlling. Be prepared for him to walk though because many many people feel it's harmless - far more harmless than alcohol - and that those who think otherwise just aren't educated about it or have enough experience to have an informed opinion about it. My brother died from a heroin overdose and he smoked pot, but I think pot is completely harmless for a responsible person. I live in CA where you can buy it at the store though...

 

I don't think it has to do with scientific or other types of information or opinions about pot. In her state it is illegal so it's a fact that she will be associating with someone breaking the law and it's a fact that pot smoke is bad for pregnant women and of course bad for children to inhale so if that's a goal down the road she needs to consider that now, and of course it will affect his ability to find most forms of employment. And that's just for starters. I don't think either of them needs to be "right" about the harmfulness of using illegal drugs like pot - it's simply about different values. His values justify using illegal substances to get high and his idea of fun on his birthday is to get stoned. Her values are not compatible with his.

[pl3asehelp]

It is a stereotype that pot is for people who are immature and that it keeps them from doing things they want to do. That can certainly happen for some people, just as it could with alcohol or many other substances or patterns of behavior.

[pl3asehelp]

I don't think it has to do with scientific or other types of information or opinions about pot. In her state it is illegal so it's a fact that she will be associating with someone breaking the law and it's a fact that pot smoke is bad for pregnant women and of course bad for children to inhale so if that's a goal down the road she needs to consider that now, and of course it will affect his ability to find most forms of employment. And that's just for starters. I don't think either of them needs to be "right" about the harmfulness of using illegal drugs like pot - it's simply about different values. His values justify using illegal substances to get high and his idea of fun on his birthday is to get stoned. Her values are not compatible with his.

 

Also, pot doesn't have to be smoked or used in ways that expose other people to it. Most of us can suck it up for 3 months prior to starting a new job too. I agree it is just a difference in values.

[Batya33]

It is a stereotype that pot is for people who are immature and that it keeps them from doing things they want to do. That can certainly happen for some people, just as it could with alcohol or many other substances or patterns of behavior.

Oh I don't think so. I wouldn't label the person as "immature" without knowing the individual but if someone is regularly using pot to get stoned (as opposed to having a glass of wine now and then where the wine doesn't make the person buzzed or drunk) then certainly it's mind-altering and other effects are going to in turn effect the person's motivation and ability to be productive and get things done. It's also going to affect the person if the person lives where it's illegal because of the risk of getting a record or hampering his/her ability to get employed or stay employed.

[abitbroken]

That is great news. I am happy for you.

 

It is a stereotype that pot is for people who are immature and that it keeps them from doing things they want to do.

 

It would prevent him from doing things he wants = have her by his side at a party. Stuff like that. If he wants her included, then he knows what he has to do to do so.

[Moontiger]

Hey guys,

 

I would like to, very respectfully ask that this thread NOT be made about whether pot should or should not be legal or anything like that? I know people have differing views which I do understand. My experience not only with my family but also with various people throughout my life have given and certain opinion/feeling about pot. I actually support its use in the medical world but aside from that...I just don't like it.

 

Since this thread is really about my personal boundaries I would like it to stay focused on that. Thanks guys!

[Moontiger]

That is great news. I am happy for you.

 

It is a stereotype that pot is for people who are immature and that it keeps them from doing things they want to do.

 

It would prevent him from doing things he wants = have her by his side at a party. Stuff like that. If he wants her included, then he knows what he has to do to do so.

 

Its going to be interesting at the party. I have a gut feeling something is going to happen, like someone teasing me for not wanting to do it. I'm interested in how A will react to that. I can tell you guys right now if someone offers it to me and I say "no" and they keep at it or make fun of me, I will be leaving. I sort of hope he does some work before hand letting people know I'm not into that. This is my first time meeting a lot of his friends so its not like they already know this about me.

[camus154]

I can tell you what's going to really happen with you and your boyfriend.

 

You're going to come off as pretty square and controlling even though they are your boundaries and you have a right to them.

He's going to continue smoking occasionally, only now he'll keep it behind your back.

 

Sorry, but that's the reality of the situation. Now, before you protest, I'm not saying you don't have a right to make your boundaries clear. You do, and you already did. That's great.

 

But no matter how great a guy he is, I promise in the back of his mind he's thinking "Wow, why does my occasional smoking bother her and how does it even affect her?" No, he's not going to come right out and say that, but it's what he's thinking.

 

And when he's with his friends and you're not around and the joint gets passed his way, do you really think he's going to pass because his new girlfriend would be uncomfortable with him having a few tokes?

 

Good luck.

[Moontiger]

Hi camus,

 

Thank you for your opinion. As you probably already know I disagree with most of what you say. I think he is a truly honest person who would not lie to me like that. If I ever found out that he did lie to me the relationship would be over. You can't have a good relationship without trust and honest so that's another big thing for me.

 

Ok, so I come off as square, that's fine with me. Do some people care about coming off as pot-heads? No. So I don't really care if they think I'm square or not. My BF will make his choice and I will make mine. He now knows how I feel so he can make in informed choice.

[camus154]

Hi Moontiger,

 

Bear in mind I'm not trying to put you down. I'm just telling you what I think will be the reality of the situation.

 

Keep us updated!

[Moontiger]

Camus, no worries, I don’t feel attack at all. I was thinking about how to explain how I feel about this situation so here it goes:

 

Let’s say Guy X and Girl Y starting dating. A few months into the relationship Y learns that X has remained casual friends with an ex-girlfriend who he meets up with for lunch once is a blue moon.

 

Y tells X that this makes her uncomfortable because she has, say, been cheated on in the past. Now, does meeting up for lunch once a year with an ex REALLY affect their relationship that much? For Y, it’s crossing a line. X can choose to respect that or to end the relationship to maintain the meet up with an ex-girlfriend which he finds enjoyable.

 

This is how I see my current situation. Does that make sense?

 

I'll keep you guys posted!

[buddha55]

I agree with camus.

 

The analogy you used is similar, but different. Maintaining a relationship like that with an ex has and effect on the minds of you both. If he smoked pot when you weren't around, it wouldn't effect you. Even if he did it when you were there it has a psychological effect on you seeing him partake.

 

You don't believe in ultimatums, but you are giving him one. He will smoke occasionally when you're not around. I take it he drinks more than smokes? Still don't understand why that is not an issue for you.

[charity]

Camus, no worries, I don’t feel attack at all. I was thinking about how to explain how I feel about this situation so here it goes:

 

Let’s say Guy X and Girl Y starting dating. A few months into the relationship Y learns that X has remained casual friends with an ex-girlfriend who he meets up with for lunch once is a blue moon.

 

Y tells X that this makes her uncomfortable because she has, say, been cheated on in the past. Now, does meeting up for lunch once a year with an ex REALLY affect their relationship that much? For Y, it’s crossing a line. X can choose to respect that or to end the relationship to maintain the meet up with an ex-girlfriend which he finds enjoyable.

 

This is how I see my current situation. Does that make sense?

 

I'll keep you guys posted!

 

 

yikes!! moonthiger i hate this anology.

 

while i agree with you on the pot thing. why? well because a. pot is illegal b. it can change a person 3. it cost money, involves buying from dealers and all that dubious stuff

 

but this person x and person y thing? if my SO wanted me to stop having an occasional lunch with an ex because they had been cheated on in the past i would suggest that THEY get their issues sorted. i will not stop doing something that I KNOW is okay and innocent because of my SO's insecurities. i will be considerate and transparent but i will not change my friends, be they ex's or not.