lavenderdove Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 Excellent... sounds like a positive conversation. And that he is willing to listen and consider your feelings. And very good that he thought about it and brought up other things he was wondering about (like his prior experience with women) so that shows he values the relationship and is thinking about it and how his behavior might impact your feelings. Regarding the party, i would definitely avoid the pot smoking room, and hopefully by this time next year he may continue to grow out of the need to hang around pot and pot parties. As people age their identities do change and the circle of friends changes as well so perhaps it will not be a part of his life if he gets more serious about you and respects your boundaries. Eventually you do want to get to the point where you don't have to ever see pot smoking anywhere near you and perhaps not attend at all if that will be present. He needs to set boundaries with his friends as well, and it is NOT a given that people should be allowed to do illegal drugs anywhere/anytime they choose just because they feel like it. You wouldn't want to be somewhere where everyone (including you) got busted for drug use. Where there is pot, there is usually coke and other drugs as well and you never know what kind of sting the DEA could be running. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 The issue isn't whether he's loyal in a relationship but whether you're ok with his attitude about casual sex -it sounds like you are. I don't think a person who is promiscuous is going to be less or more loyal in a relationship -that's the separate issue of whether he keeps promises - unless he is promiscuous because having a variety of partners is more important to him than being in a monogamous relationship. Good luck at the party! Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 Wow, I don't want to say this in a disrespectful manner but I think some people on this site are pretty cynical. I don't see why he would do it behind my back unless he was a dishonest person. I don't think he is. I truly feel he cares about my feelings and will take them into account in the future with this. I understand that some people here don't get why I have an issue with even casual drug use. That's fine, you don't have to. It IS an issue for me. One that does effect me to the point where it is something I look at in every relationship I have been in. In a relationship issues like this need to be negotiated. I have done what I feel is the mature and right thing by talking to him about it. He has been open and honest with me and I believe he will continue to be in the future. As for the analogy I used, yup not perfect, but it is comparable. A once a year casual lunch with an ex, who the person has zero intention of sleeping with (or anything else) would have the same emotional effect on me as drug use does. It makes me uncomfortable, I don't like it, and I would prefer if my BF didn't do it. Some of you disagree. That's fine. This tread isn't about why I don't like drugs. Its about setting reasonable boundaries in a relationship. I don't think I am being unreasonable to ask him to not do something that is illegal and that he only does rarely. Its not an every day thing that is huge part of his identity. That would be unreasonable IMO. I'm not asking him to give up friendships, to do only what I want, etc. I'm just telling him how I feel and he now can make whatever decisions he wants with that in mind. I stayed over at this place last night. We didn't talk about this again. But he was more affectionate than he usually is and we had a nice, relaxed evening. Originally we planned to go out and do something but we were both tired from work so we just stayed in an watch a movie. I'll keep you guys posted on any further developments. Link to comment
DrKitten Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 He asked if I would be pissed if he did it again. I said, "Ideally, for me, you would not do it at all. Your an adult, I don't want to be controlling. I just want you to know how I feel." He said if it upset me he would not do it. I then said again that he's an adult and I just want him to know how I feel. Honestly, I think this is pretty passive-aggressive and you're skirting around trying to not seem controlling, but you are. He never clearly said he was going to quit and you didn't straight up ask him to, but you've laid the guilt trip on him. So what will do you if you find out he smokes again in say, 6 months? Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 If I found out he had done it again in six months? I would talk to him again and tell him its just not something I can deal with and see where things go from there. Yes, I did not say everything perfectly in that conversation. But does anyone ever say everything perfectly? Link to comment
camus154 Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 You wouldn't want to be somewhere where everyone (including you) got busted for drug use. Where there is pot, there is usually coke and other drugs as well and you never know what kind of sting the DEA could be running. With respect, lavenderlove, this is the type of slippery slope argument that goes back to such things like "Reefer Madness". The presence of pot does not indicate the presence of other drugs, and I promise you the DEA has bigger fish to fry than a house party where someone busts out a bong. Wow, I don't want to say this in a disrespectful manner but I think some people on this site are pretty cynical. I don't see why he would do it behind my back unless he was a dishonest person. I don't think he is. I truly feel he cares about my feelings and will take them into account in the future with this. I wouldn't call it cynical, but rather practical. Why would he do it behind your back? Because he doesn't view it anywhere near like you do. Thus, his conscience isn't likely to be going haywire over the dishonesty from taking a couple of hits when you're not around. He's going to liken it to sneaking a few spoonfuls of ice cream when he's told you he's supposedly on a diet, rather than sneaking off to meet an ex. Because on his moral spectrum that's exactly where it belongs. Honestly my advice to you is to stick to your own boundary rather than asking him to change to suit it. If you know he smokes occasionally (at least prior to dating you) and if that's a big enough deal for you to not be with him, then perhaps you shouldn't be instead of expecting him to change. I don't say this to be mean, but realistic. One of the biggest things I've learned through a whole lot of relationships is that starting one with the expectation that people should or will change is almost certainly a recipe for disaster. Good luck. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 I think the reason some people think he's going to do it behind your back is that, though you have have stated your boundary, you haven't provided any reason why you have that boundary and I can tell you as someone who is pro mj, he's thinking you are really just uninformed about it. That you don't want to get into a debate about whether mj is good/bad or should be legal further reinforces why he's probably going to do it anyway. People, particuluarly pro mj people, question the norm, think critically and creatively, deabte, reason, be open to new ideas and perspectives, and like to understand why people feel and think the way they do, not just accept absolutes with no justification, which is all you've given him according to the information you've provided here. Plus he's young. Plus his friends do it. If he crosses your boundary, yes that will be wrong of him if he promised you he would not, and you'd be right to end the relationship. If you guys have talked at length about why you feel the way you do before making him aware of you boundary and he still agreed, then I think you have a much better chance of him sticking to his word. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 I have stated why I don't like like, several times. I had a close family member who was a drug addict. I don't want to go into details but what happened in my childhood still effects me today. The reason I asked for people to not start a debate is because that is how tread spiral out of control and get closed. I have seen it dozen of times on this site. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 For whatever it's worth I'm really proud of you for having that tough discussion with him. That couldn't have been easy. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 Thank you batya. It was hard to bring up, especially because I don't like conflict. I'm just happy things went well overall. Link to comment
DrKitten Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 If I found out he had done it again in six months? I would talk to him again and tell him its just not something I can deal with and see where things go from there. So he is an adult who can make his own decisions, but he can't make a decision you don't like? Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 If the OP's boyfriend is really an up standing guy I don't think he'll do it behind her back. I was in the same boat as her boyfriend and I have yet to do it behind his back nor will I. Do I miss it sometimes? Sure. But I will not do something that I full well know hurts my husband. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 So he is an adult who can make his own decisions, but he can't make a decision you don't like? I think what she means is that if he breaks his promise to her they will have to talk about his dishonesty. For example, my husband promised, a few weeks ago that within two weeks he would declutter a particular part of his clutter. I didn't mention it again because I'm not his mother and he can make his own decisions as to when to clear the clutter. He did it which meant so much to me -because he was so busy during the two weeks and he's definitely not into neatness! If he hadn't done it I would have felt entitled to discuss with him why he decided to break his promise to me. His decision to clean or not is, at the end of the day, his decision. But since his decision affects my living space I have a say in it too. Here, his decision to smoke pot affects her personal comfort and could affect her physical nad mental health (i.e. second hand smoke, if he drives after smoking, how he treats her when he is high). He can and should make his own decisions but he's not entitled to lie to her or break promises and then say "you can't tell me what to do". Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 No, he can't just make decisions l like. But if he crosses a boundary I have already talked to him about than yes, we do need to talk about it and discuss if the relationship can continue. Every decision we make in life has consequence. If I just turned a blind eye to this the consequence would be I would build resentment and the relationship would be doomed, if he continues to smoke the consequence is his girlfriend could walk away from the relationship. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 Perhaps a better way to phrase it is this: A possible consequence of me discussing this with him, he could leave me. He could choose pot over me. A possible consequence of him continuing to smoke is I could leave him. I can choose not to compromise an important boundary for me. Link to comment
buddha55 Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 He wouldn't be choosing pot over you, he would be choosing his freedom of choice. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 This thread just goes on and on....like the energizer bunny. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 He wouldn't be choosing pot over you, he would be choosing his freedom of choice. Obviously he has the freedom to choose - but adults know that exercising freedom to choose often has consequences - so he'll have the freedom to smoke pot and give up his relationship. She also has the freedom to choose -she will choose her values over being with someone who has incompatible values to her with the consequence that she won't be with him. I would make her choice because I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I wasn't being true to my values. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 28, 2012 Author Share Posted January 28, 2012 This thread just goes on and on....like the energizer bunny. Ha! So true. I didn't expect for it to go on this long. So the party is tonight, I'm a bit nervous but now that he knows I feel there won't be any surprised no matter what happens. Out mutual friend who introduced will be there. She knows all about my family history, so she is being really supportive of me. I can hang out with her if the people at this party are not the kind that I wish to hang around with. Its also good to know that, whatever happens in the future, A will not be smoking at the party. He has at least promised he will never do it while I am around and promised to think twice before every doing it again, so I feel good about that. Again, I don't want to be disrespectful to anyone, I value having multiple points of view, but my opinion on this isn't going to change. Thank you for everyone who has replied. Please understand that no one here is going to change my mind of this. We all have opinions that are set. This happens to be one of mine. I'll post an update on how the party went. MT Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 29, 2012 Author Share Posted January 29, 2012 Hey everyone, The party went really well. We got there around 10pm there where a lot of people but it was pretty tame. Pot was only mentioned once and not to me. One of the hosts of the party was telling some guy there that is anyone wanted to smoke cigarrets or weed to do it outside in the back of the apartment. My BF was so awesome all night. I didn’t realize it during the party but after it as we were talking he told me he was keeping tabs on me to make sure I was with as he put it, “People you would like and who would be nice to you.” I think this was his way of saying, “I wanted you to feel good at this party and I was going to make sure that no one was making you feel uncomfortable.” At one point he came over to me and asked if he was being a bad boyfriend. I asked why he would think that. More or less he was worried that he wasn’t spending enough time with me. I told him he didn’t need to be attached to me the whole night. I thought it was pretty cute of him. I didn’t drink very much since I was the DD but I still had a good time. Some of my friends showed up and I spent most of my time with them. I did meet a few people who seemed pretty cool. There was a couple who were just very sweet. The girl was telling me how she had heard so much about me and how great it was to finally meet me. Before we left I told her to find me on Facebook. The four of us are going to try and go bowling. When we were driving back to his place I told him how much I liked these two and he seemed really happy about that. Most the people there were not doing pot from what I could tell. There were a few very hairy guys who would go out back and come back in smelling bad with red eyes. Needless to say I had minimal interaction with them! So, both me and A had a good time and things are going positively with us. Thank you everyone for your support on this! MT Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 Glad to hear it went well, MT! It sounds like you're headed in the right direction. Link to comment
Cynder Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 Sorry I got here late MT, I'm glad to hear it all went well. He sounds like a good one. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 29, 2012 Author Share Posted January 29, 2012 No worries Cynder. He has a lot of positive qualities and right now I see this as the only issue that could keep me from sticking with him long term. But, I think we are working it out. Neither of us has mentioned anything about it since we had the "big talk". I'm just glad that we were able to have such an open, mature, calm discussion about it. Link to comment
Cynder Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 No worries Cynder. He has a lot of positive qualities and right now I see this as the only issue that could keep me from sticking with him long term. But, I think we are working it out. Neither of us has mentioned anything about it since we had the "big talk". I'm just glad that we were able to have such an open, mature, calm discussion about it. Your average pot smoker is a regular person like everyone else. Other then the indugence in illegal substance, they are generally law abiding citizens. (Now to anyone reading this keep in mind I said generally. I know there are exceptions.) I can honestly say I owe some of my best ideas to weed. I don't smoke currently because of my job. But as an artist it's a wodnerful thing. Link to comment
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