Batya33 Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 Your average pot smoker is a regular person like everyone else. Other then the indugence in illegal substance, they are generally law abiding citizens. (Now to anyone reading this keep in mind I said generally. I know there are exceptions.) I can honestly say I owe some of my best ideas to weed. I don't smoke currently because of my job. But as an artist it's a wodnerful thing. I am always troubled by these types of posts that judge people's values about illegal drug use - the OP has done a wonderful job IMO expressing her feelings to her bf about her values about illegal drug use and pot smoking in particular and how she would not be able to be in a serious romantic relationship with a drug user. He seems to have reacted with sensitivity and maturity so, fingers crossed. Obviously he might be a perfectly good person but that's not relevant to whether they have compatible values which to me (and to the OP apparently) are essential for a healthy relationship. On the artist point I know many wonderful artists who don't use illegal drugs and would not find it wonderful or even desirable to use drugs as part of their artistic work. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 29, 2012 Author Share Posted January 29, 2012 I want to make it really clear that I am not judging him as a person for using pot a few times. He is a great person, sensitive, caring, funny, and smart. We all have deal breakers or things that we would prefer out SO's did not do (to varying degrees). Even if some do not agree with me I hope this thread sends the message that open and honest communication are key to any relationship. I think that is something we can all agree on. Batya, thank for for the kind words. I think I have handled this situation very well over all. Of course there are a few things I wish I had done differently. Link to comment
Cynder Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 Batya, I'm not judging MT or her boyfriend. I was just pointing out that most pot smokers aren't the stereotype of what most people think of when they think of a pot smoker. And you're right, plenty of artists don't use drugs. But the reality is plenty of them do. A majority of my work and ideas are sober ones, but all my best ideas came to me whilst not being sober. We could debate this all night. I'm agreeing to disagree right now because I really don't feel like arguing with you tonight. Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 I am always troubled by these types of posts that judge people's values about illegal drug use - the OP has done a wonderful job IMO expressing her feelings to her bf about her values about illegal drug use and pot smoking in particular and how she would not be able to be in a serious romantic relationship with a drug user. He seems to have reacted with sensitivity and maturity so, fingers crossed. Obviously he might be a perfectly good person but that's not relevant to whether they have compatible values which to me (and to the OP apparently) are essential for a healthy relationship. On the artist point I know many wonderful artists who don't use illegal drugs and would not find it wonderful or even desirable to use drugs as part of their artistic work. equally troubled by posts that cleverly invalidate another person's perspective. glad things worked out for you, moontiger. beautiful thing when you're willing to absorb what someone else is offering -- acknowledge and respect differences -- and move forward without compromising your core beliefs. not easy. a worthwhile endeavor in any relationship. only fosters growth and understanding. the world could always use a bit more of that. Link to comment
Cynder Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 Jesus people. I wasn't invalidating her perspective. MT understands where I was coming from, so can we just drop it? Good Gods... I'm the one with all the supposed social problems but yet everyone is up in arms because I said most pot smokers are just regular people. Wow... Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 29, 2012 Author Share Posted January 29, 2012 Guys, Cynder and I talk a lot on PM, I understand what she means. I don't want anyone attack on this thread for any reason. You like pot? Fine. You don't like pot? Fine. Let just all be respectful. I have not attacked anyone on this thread for their view, I have not tried to make anyone think the way I do. If someone has an opinion about pot I disagree with I just try and leave it at that. Please, can we all just get along? Link to comment
Stay_home Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 Smoking weed is an automatic *FAIL * for me. Not going to tolerate that. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I want to make it really clear that I am not judging him as a person for using pot a few times. He is a great person, sensitive, caring, funny, and smart. We all have deal breakers or things that we would prefer out SO's did not do (to varying degrees). Even if some do not agree with me I hope this thread sends the message that open and honest communication are key to any relationship. I think that is something we can all agree on. Batya, thank for for the kind words. I think I have handled this situation very well over all. Of course there are a few things I wish I had done differently. I don't think you need to make that clear to those who appreciate the difference between judging a person and choosing not to be in a serious relationship with someone whose values are incompatible with yours. I also don't think you need to justify why pot smoking is a dealbreaker for you just like I don't think someone who chooses to be involved with someone who uses drugs doesn't have to justify that choice as long as it's not hurting anyone else. I agree about open and honest communication but I don't think it overrides having compatible values -in your case it lead to your bf choosing you over using drugs - in another case that open communication could have lead to a different result - I'm glad it worked out for you! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I am glad it worked out! Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 Ok, so this is a bit off topic but there was something just so sweet about it I wanted to share. In a previous post I mentioned that my boyfriend has hooked up with a number of girls while single. During the party someone (for the life of me I can't remember who) mentioned that he had hook up with a pregnant girl many years ago. I could see my BF tense up, I pretty sure because he was nervous about how I would react. I just went up to him and said, "How far along was she?" I was honestly curious! (It was 3 months if anyone else was curious) He relaxed after that but he still seemed at little off to me. I told him that I honestly didn't care, I even joked, "How dare you have past before me!" Fast-forward to last night and we were out getting ice cream. He got a text from an ex-girlfriend of his. He told me straight-up who it was and then start reassuring me he was not cheating. This thought had never crossed my mind and I gave him a funny look like and said, "Babe, I don't have a problem with you talking to your ex's. You're always honest with me so I know your not hiding anything." He then said, "I'm sorry. I'm used to always being defensive about my past. Other people I have dated...haven't been like you." This give them the impression that he isn't used to an SO just sitting calmly and talking to him. I told our mutual friend about the conversation and she said, "Ya, he is used to being screamed at not talked to." I think this is one of the reasons he has been so responsive to me when I have brought up issues with him. Well, I think this thread out of be left to die now. Thanks again everyone! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I'm glad the conversation worked out but I hope he gets over the assumption that you're going to assume he's cheating if he's in contact with an ex. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 I talked with him a bit about it last night as we were getting ice cream. I told him that the only time I would ever have a problem was if he hid talking to his ex's from me or if he lied to me about it. What he told me was that every girl he had dated in the past would get extremely upset at him for talking to his ex's. I think he said what he did more out of reflex than anything else. I think as we continue to date he will start to get used to how laid back I am about things like that. And of course as we keep communication open and honest. Link to comment
charity Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 A once a year casual lunch with an ex, who the person has zero intention of sleeping with (or anything else) would have the same emotional effect on me as drug use does. It makes me uncomfortable, I don't like it, and I would prefer if my BF didn't do it. apologies moontiger, don't mean to attack you here, but i'm confused. didn't you say the above? how is this a laid back attitude in regards to ex's?. so he can call and communicate with them but you're not okay with him meeting up with them once a year or so? Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 That's right Charity. I have no problem with contact. But a regular meet up, just the two of them, I would not like and something I would strongly prefer my BF not do. Texting, facebook, etc I am totally fine with. Link to comment
charity Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 That's right Charity. I have no problem with contact. But a regular meet up, just the two of them, I would not like and something I would strongly prefer my BF not do. Texting, facebook, etc I am totally fine with. well once a year is very scare. do you know if he does meet up with any of them occasionally?. i ask this because i AM in contact with some ex's in a lovely friendly fashion. while we text or call maybe once every 2 months or so we will meet up maybe twice a year for dinner or coffee or something. none of my bf have had a problem with it, because like your bf i am very transparent about my dealings with them. but its weird to me that your ok with fb, text, calls, but no actual meetups. can you explain why you are not comfortable with the meetups , surely that would show that its a genuine friendship no? Link to comment
Cynder Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 I think you're attitude is pretty laid back about it, from what I can see. You have just as much a right tos et boundaries about that as you do about drug use. Different things bother different people for different reasons. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 Well, we are all different in what we are comfortable with right? I just don't have a problem with contact but I do take issue with actually meeting up regularly with an ex. With that being said I have female friends who are friends with their ex's and still hang out with them. I actually don't see it as black and white as it may come accross over the internet. Various factors would determine how I would feel about a regular meet up with an ex. For example, He has an ex fiancee who he still has contact with via facebook every now and then. I would be very uncomfortable about them meeting up regularly. A girl who he just dated for a few months before the both realized that they were better off as friends? I would not have a problem with. And of course, if he didn't tell me about a meet up that would be a major problem for me. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 I think you're attitude is pretty laid back about it, from what I can see. You have just as much a right tos et boundaries about that as you do about drug use. Different things bother different people for different reasons. Thank you Cynder! I think I am pretty laid back about this. Especially in comparison to other girls he has dated who according to both him and our mutual friend would just yell at him for any contact at all with his ex-girlfriends. EDIT: It hasn't been an issue for us. He has always told me when an exGF texts him, has pointed out which people on his FB friend list he has dated, so he isn't hiding anything from. As things stand right now I don't think I will need to set boundaries on this front. As we were talking the other night and I told him I didn't have a problem with him talking to his ex's he said, "Ya, all of those relationships ended for a reason." This got us on the topic of what kind of personalities we like and why relationships we have had in the past ended. Link to comment
buddha55 Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 once a year is NOT "regular"... I just feel like you guys are not compatible. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 31, 2012 Author Share Posted January 31, 2012 once a year is NOT "regular"... I just feel like you guys are not compatible. And I feel you don't understand the term, "Reasonable Compromise". Having a healthy relationship doesn't mean changing nothing about yourself and it doesn't mean changing everything about yourself. It means communicating and taking your partners feelings into account. If I was doing something that upset my boyfriend I would want him to talk to me about it so we can work through it. That is what I have done in this situation. If he smoked often then we would not be compatible. Given how rare it is for him I don't think there is anything unreasonable about me sharing my feelings with him and then letting him make his choices. If you think that a person should never change one thing about themselves for a relationship I feel you are living in a Hollywood movie. Buddha, its pushy pro-pot-people like you that re-enforce my opinion about pot and the people who use it. Link to comment
buddha55 Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I used to smoke and now I don't AT ALL. so not sure where, "Buddha, its pushy pro-pot-people like you that re-enforce my opinion about pot and the people who use it." I'm actually pro "make your own decision, but any type of behavior that is abuse is grounds for being unacceptable." There is such a thing as getting carried away with... well, with pretty much everything. To me, it's seem you are trying to fool yourself. You say you're not giving him an ultimatum... but you are- "me or pot" You want to be a chill girlfriend who is open about exes, but you wouldn't be ok with a once a year meet up because thats 'regular' I think he will try to appease you in the beginning, but really it's just pushing him into a position to be less forthcoming. A reasonable "chill" girlfriend would be... well, much more chill about both of these things. Few people quite smoking pot completely... "just sayin" Link to comment
JewelCat Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 If you think that a person should never change one thing about themselves for a relationship I feel you are living in a Hollywood movie. Well, what about changes you can make? Why just him, and not you? I understand you don't like it because of a negative family history with drugs, and it's completely understandable that you'd prefer to be with someone who's drug free. But once or twice a year is clearly not abusing it. If he's a great guy and there's potential for a great relationship, I think a more, "reasonable compromise," (as you called it) would be for him to just not smoke around you. But giving him the ultimatum of either you, or something he seldom does to begin with, doesn't sound like a compromise at all to me. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 The OP has already stated that she did not want her thread to turn into a debate about pot. Also, she has expressed that she has found resolution to her situation. It seems that the OP is not being shown much respect in that regard, unfortunately. Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 The OP has already stated that she did not want her thread to turn into a debate about pot. Also, she has expressed that she has found resolution to her situation. It seems that the OP is not being shown much respect in that regard, unfortunately. i had a different impression of buddha's post. I think he will try to appease you in the beginning, but really it's just pushing him into a position to be less forthcoming. to me, this is a valid consideration. although, obviously this all comes down to your judgement of this guy, moontiger. Link to comment
Cynder Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Why is it that so many people on this site expect everyone to handle a situation exactly the way they would? It's kind of silly, really. Link to comment
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