StarGazer68 Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 I had met this guy. We went out twice. I could tell he is a decent guy just based off some things he did throughout our two dates. But he also isn't very smart about what's appropriate...since the first time we met up, he introduced me to a female friend of his who immediately left when I arrived. And there are some other instances as well. Anyway, first date, he asked me at the end of the night if I wanted to stay at his place. We had ended up making out and dancing at a second bar we went to...and I guess I can't blame him for trying. But I told him I'm not that type of person. Then he asked me to get together again and then meet up with some of his friends after. We had dinner and great, fun conversation and really got to know each other more. I was really starting to like him, but after that when we went to this other bar, we started the whole making out and dancing thing again and he bought me a lot of drinks. Then we left there and suddenly I started feeling uncomfortable because of him. He started saying some really forward things to me that were so obvious that he wanted me to come to his place to sleep with him. I told him no and tried to be silly about it instead of getting angry and was saying I had to go. Instead, we went for a walk and sat down somewhere and I started getting ballsy and asked him if he was trying to sleep with me only. He lied with his answer since after that we had some convos about exes and how he doesn't care to be in a relationship right now because of it. Definitely put a damper on the night. After all that, we were walking again and again he tried to touch me on my breasts and other places on my body when we were kissing after I thought I had been somewhat clear that I wasn't going home with him. Even saying he wished I wasn't going. Then he caught me a cab and I left. So, he texted me an apology afterwards and through our texts, we ended up saying bye to each other, but in a very amicable, kind way and complimenting each other for being fun and hoping we find what each of us are looking for. He even told me I'm beautiful and very nice and deserve better than him. So....I can't help thinking about it now and going what the??...First off, some guys are morons and can't even put in a few dates to get laid these days. Second, it's not like I was saying I want you to be my boyfriend haha but I guess he took it that way just because I didn't want to sleep with him. I didn't even really know him well enough yet to be walking into his place off two meetings! I'm not a w**re. And basically, I'm also thinking about how, not to toot my own horn, this guy passed up a pretty, nice girl that he could have just tried dating to see where it went, cause who knows....he could have passed up on "the one" just because he was being a horndog. I have never told a guy I realized was being a sleezeball to me that I knew he was to his face. So, that's why this experience is kind of sticking with me. I usually ignored if a guy was being sleezy and played it off. This was my first time telling a guy so I'm still trying to get over feeling sort of weird about it and wondering if maybe I did something wrong kind of putting him on the spot and bearing my feelings about what I was sensing from him. I'm disappointed. I really liked his personality and thought we jived well in conversation together but too bad he was after one thing only. I at least hope based off his texts to me after the second date, that he gained respect for me and doesn't just think I'm crazy. I'd love some thoughts/opinions/insights on my whole experience. Link to comment
Furbys Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Sometimes someone can have a great personality and you can have a great conversation but they will only want one thing. Kudos to you for putting your foot down on this one, he didn't seem to respect you that night. I would suggest being wary of him still (if you continue to see him) because he may act all nice to you again, act like hes changed but he may be doing it in hope that you will change your mind. I think you were right to express your feelings, you felt uncomfortable and no one should feel like that around a date. I would suggest not going back and dating other people, people who will respect you and don't just want you for one thing. Link to comment
StarGazer68 Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 Thank you Furbys. Reading what you wrote makes me feel I did the right thing by letting him know he was disrespecting me. Link to comment
laura40 Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 I just read your post and I'm really glad you said no to him. As the previous poster said, anyone can have a good personality and still just want sex. I have a feeling that if you had slept with him, he would have disappeared after. The second date just seemed too soon to be getting physical with each other so I think he was just after some sex. Link to comment
RedDress Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 You were absolutely right to express your feelings and you were absolutely right on the money that he wanted some casual sex/fun. That being said - I think you could have done things a little bit differently too. I mean... if you are going out, drinking, grinding on him and making out... I don't think it's completely unreasonable of him to think that sex might have been on the menu. Not because YOU are that way... but because a lot of other girls are that way. And they ALL say that they are "not that type of girl". Personally, given what you are looking for, I would have chosen some other kind of date. A drink at a pub. A concert. A show. Maybe even a comedy club. These are less sexually charged environments. I'm not saying that what he did was RIGHT... (and he may have horn dogged on you anyways)... but you also didn't help the situation is all I'm saying. Just something to think about... Link to comment
StarGazer68 Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 Thank you Laura40 and RedDress for letting me know not to feel awkward about telling him how I felt. Well, on the second date, I didn't know the second place's environment was going to be a dancing kind of bar and there really wasn't anything else for us to do but dance. I didn't really grind up too much on him, but it really wouldn't have gone over well if I had said I don't like this place and want to leave when we had just arrived and I'd just met his friends. I think I did what I could to still respect myself with the situation and environment I was presented with. I mean, I definitely know based off what you said RedDress, that I need to make sure to try even more to do things differently so guys don't think I'm like those other girls. Link to comment
Staple Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 What do you expect? No guy is going to be like "wow I really want to get to know her" on the first couple of dates. We're all interested in having sex with you at first. It's normal. Link to comment
StarGazer68 Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 So, what are you saying, I should have had sex with him?... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Star, I think you should be very proud of yourself for sticking with your boundaries and not taking the bait. I am glad, also, that you told him he was disrespectful and ended things with him. Well done. Don't generalize this to all men. He was trying to get what he could get and you did well to cut that off because it was not what you wanted. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 What do you expect? No guy is going to be like "wow I really want to get to know her" on the first couple of dates. We're all interested in having sex with you at first. It's normal. That's certainly not what I would expect... Also, Kudos to you, Star, Well done! Link to comment
rosephase Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 What happened was fine. You guys want different things. That doesn't make him a bad guy. A lot of people (not just men) are looking for sex first (if not only) I know I personally don't bother dating someone long if I don't know we are compatible sexually. But I don't think having sex with someone new, who I like, is a bad thing. I don't need a lot of hoops jumped though before I want to figure out the physical side. To be honest I'm much slower with the relationship part. So different people are different. He might not have gone about it in 100% the right way but it doesn't sound like you did either. So without talking you had a miscommunication where he thought he had a chance to have sex with someone he enjoyed spending time with and you thought you had a chance to date someone you enjoyed spending time with and it hurt a little when you figured out that you were thinking of different things. You did the right thing for you. He might have lost a chance at a good girlfriend and you might have lost a chance at a good boyfriend because you have different belief systems around sex and dating. That's a pretty normal thing and a completely normal part of the dating process. Link to comment
Deejmonster Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 us guys... some can be so stupid. I just went one my second date and I didn't even think to try and make a move to even give her a hug at the end... I really don't know what he was thinking but you shouldn't make that reflect on you as a person. You aren't always going to find the right guy on the first time around... my thing is, if he was acting like a jerk on the first date, why give him a second chance? Link to comment
Deejmonster Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 What do you expect? No guy is going to be like "wow I really want to get to know her" on the first couple of dates. We're all interested in having sex with you at first. It's normal. Staple, I have never think like this. I actually think that is what is wrong with the male sex, they aren't actually interested in getting to know a woman. Link to comment
AmandaB Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 No, just because he wants sex doesnt mean he's going to get sex. You've done the right thing. Have sex when you are ready to have sex, not just to make him happy on the first few dates. He also said that he's not looking for a relationship right. If you are and he isnt then you pretty much already know where that is going. Good luck and stick to what you believe. Link to comment
StarGazer68 Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 You know, thank you what you wrote really makes a lot of sense. He did say that he isn't really sure what he's looking for... I just think he was going too fast and too forward. I mean on the second date he was trying so hard to get me to his place. I understand sometimes physically starting out and then seeing where it goes from there. I just wasn't ready and comfortable yet to go to his place off two dates and I guess he didn't want to put in the time to date a little more before I did decide to. I just now kinda wish we hadn't said bye to each other basically and at least left it more open to hang out some more. Kinda of cut the cord too quick. Yet, AmandaB is right...he did tell me he does not want a relationship so I already know that. I'd be wasting time and maybe get hurt, especially since some of us girls think we can change a man's mind haha only to find they basically told us who they were to begin with. Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Not having read any of the answers to your post, all I can say is: I'm proud of ya, girl ! You've done the absolute right thing, standing up for yourself and sticking to your (truly decent) convictions even though you were attracted to him. And kudos to you for even confronting him about it ! Take it from a man: when a guy is pushing for sex early on without caring how you feel about it, the only serious interest he has in you is your [-fill in the blank-]. And if you give him what he wants you might have fun with him maybe 1-3 times more, and then won't hear from him again after that. ..Guys can be very clever in the short-term about giving women what they want, in order to get what they want. Don't be fooled by it. Leave this guy behind and move on to a good guy who deserves a rare jewel like yourself. Link to comment
David Mac Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 It's good that from your experience there was some degree of communication which from himself I can respect as he was telling you his true intentions. Trust me from my recent experience you've done well to refuse to get with this guy, Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 It seems to me that you sent him quite the mixed message and came off as a bit of a tease. If, on your first date, you were annoyed and put off that he was trying to sleep with you, then why did you continue the date, have more drinks, and then make out with the guy? Do you see how there was a huge disconnect between what you said to him, and how you actually behaved? Sorry, I can't vilify him for this one, hon. I see you as just as much to blame. Yes, he was trying to bed you, but you weren't exactly acting like a nun. In the future, when a guy makes it crystal clear he's just trying to get you in bed, then don't drag out the date and keep kissing and fondling him. You can't have broken boundaries, and expect to look like the poster child at the same time. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 She is not a tease and he is not a villian. He was clear in what he wanted and she was clear in what she wanted. She's not a tease for saying ... this is how far up to the line I will go (drinking, making out.) It's quite normal. And it's quite normal to put the breaks on when needed. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 She is not a tease and he is not a villian. He was clear in what he wanted and she was clear in what she wanted. She's not a tease for saying ... this is how far up to the line I will go (drinking, making out.) It's quite normal. And it's quite normal to put the breaks on when needed. Yeah, I think she was definitely acting like a tease and sending him mixed messages, Darcy. You can't be taken seriously while telling a guy "you're not that kind of girl", then continue the date with more drinks and making out. If she didn't want to sleep with him, or lead him to believe he had a chance of this happening, then she should have cut out the physical part of the date. But, she didn't. That's why I think in his mind, she was acting like a tease, and in my assessment, definitely saying one thing, and doing another. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 It's good that he admitted, up-front, that he didn't want a relationship. A lot of guys mislead women in this area, in order to get laid. Being honest makes it extraordinarily difficult, but I prefer to live life with relatively clean hands. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 I'm glad you were firm about your boundaries. I think it was a mistake to have more than one drink (or whatever you can tolerate without getting buzzed) in a situation where you didn't know the person very well and knew he probably would try to hook up with you more than you wanted to. Link to comment
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