Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[Cynder]

Got this message on Instagram about a week ago.  I just now saw it because I hardly ever check my IG messages since they are mostly spam.  ""

"I apologize for all the crap I said a year or so ago. I was being an ass and I really have no excuse. I didn't mean the things I said about your art, I actually miss seeing it everyday. I wanted to see if there's anyway we can salvage the friendship?"

 

This person threatened me.  I called the cops and sent screenshots of the texts to the county sheriff.  I told them I know it's just text messages and they live out of state.  But I've been a victim of stalking before and I just want this on record in case anything does happen to me, because this person is talking about coming here to hurt me.  The police were pretty understanding about it and took all the necessary info.  I blocked them everywhere.  I didn't even know they had an IG account.  (This is probably a new account.) 

 

I don't have any plans to respond.  But boy... if this doesn't reiterate what I think about myself...  I was just writing about this recently in this thread.  My talent is literally all I have.  It's the only thing I bring to the table.  This person told me to go kill myself  (No, it's not D's sister.  It's pretty sad that about half a dozen people have said that to me in my life.)  They said I liked about being sexually abused and tried to ruin my abuser's life.  (Which is interesting, considering they don't know my abuser and they weren't in my life when I was being abused.)  They told me I make all real SA victims look bad.  They also told me they hope I get raped and catch AIDS.  It was someone I had known for 15 years and who sided with Z after we broke up.   

 

Now they feel bad and miss seeing my art.  My art is the only thing people miss about me, apparently.  Why do these people always feel bad a year or so later?  For people who have kept up with this thread for a long time, in 2021 I wrote a few posts about a guy I called Ed.  That's who sent the message above.  This is the guy who had an emotional affair with L and was planning to leave his wife and move here to be with her.  This is the guy who would call me just to tell me all the things Z was saying about me, and even when I literally cried on the phone and told him I didn't want to hear any more, he just kept talking.  He told me he was making plans to come up here to see Z, and if he did I should leave town while he's here because it won't be pretty if he sees me. 

 

I don't understand why these people always come running back to me when the bridge is burned.  A few of my exes have gotten in touch with me years later to tell me I was the best person they ever dated.  I have former friends tell me I was so good to them, etc. 

 

I just can't figure out what people want.  I don't lie.  I don't steal.  I don't cheat (anymore.)  I won't sleep with your man/woman behind your back.  I don't talk crap about people and act like best friends to their face.  I'm not violent.  I have my crap together for the most part.  I pay my bills.  I run a business.  I'm loyal and honest.  People don't want that and when they realize they miss that they come crawling back. 

 

DS can call me every name in the book, blame me for her daughter running off, and tell me to go kill myself.  But then she gets to know me in a different capacity (On the discord server that I officially left and I blocked her there.) and she's asking me out for coffee and telling me how I have so many "special qualities" and how much she wants to get to know me better. And she's so impressed with my writing, and she owns a publishing company that wants to work with me (she doesn't, that's an outright lie.)  In her case, she didn't even bother to know me before deciding I'm a terrible person.  She didn't want to face the fact that her daughter probably ran away because of her and she needed someone to project onto.  I am a hi def screen I guess.  Because people love to project their crap onto me. 

 

So, Ed misses my art.  I guess that's nice to know.  Screw him.  He can keep on missing it.  He chose Z who he barely knew over someone who had been a loyal friend for 15 years.  I doubt him and Z even talk anymore.  He'll just have to live with that choice I guess.  He also was mad at me because things didn't work out between him and L... and that was somehow my fault in his eyes.  I wish no ill will.  I miss the goofy guy I used to go to Chipotle with and make a game out of stealing bottles of hot sauce.  His gf worked there and we would go in there when she was working and he would see how many bottles of hot sauce he could get out of the restaurant with.  And then his gf would smuggle them back into work with her, unopened.  He didn't even want the hot sauce.  It was just a running joke between all of us.  But, fun Ed is gone.  Now he's a bitter guy trapped in a miserable marriage that he's too chickensh*t to leave.  That isn't my problem.  

 

[Cynder]

I was sitting here waiting for some files to transfer and I started reading through my last post just to check for mistakes...  I guess I never really thought about this until now, but DS tells people online that she owns this publishing company. She doesn't make that claim in real life.  I never heard her say that in any of my interactions with her, and she knows I write.  But she is all over the Discord for authors saying that.  I wonder why?  I know it's really none of my business.  But she claims to write a novel every week.  I wonder if she uses that "I own a publishing company" bit to get gullible people to send her their books so she can plagiarize them.  

There are so many scams out there targeting up and coming authors.  Anyone can call themself a literary agent, for example.  So there are all these "literary agents" out there who don't really do anything but take people's money and ghost them.  I have a good friend who is an actual literary agent.  I mean, she has a MA in English and she's been an editor too.  She has had people assume she's a scam artist.  Editors are another one.  Anyone can call themself an editor.  I could say I'm an editor and get people to pay me a lot of money to basically run their manuscript through Grammarly or whatever and fix any mistakes it catches (something they could do themselves for a lot less that these freelance editors charge.)  And people get away with it because what they're doing isn't technically illegal.  People don't know what a real editor actually does, and so they think that's what editors do, etc.  My mentor is an Author who also makes a living as an editor.  When I get a chapter back from him, it isn't just, "Add a comma here." Etc.  His editing is in depth.  He does developmental editing and talks about the progression of the story, character development, etc.  

And there are other "mentors" who charge a ton of money to do what he does who don't have his credentials. 

There are fake publishers, too.  I wonder what DS is gaining from telling people she owns a publishing company.  I wonder how many people have given her money or sent her their book? 

We were talking about hybrid publishers one night on Discord.  It was a bunch of us.  And I said I looked into Bublish, because a YouTuber I watch who is an author uses them.  I just went to the site and was looking at their prices, etc.  I didn't sign up for anything.  And I made the comment that Bublish is supposed to be one of the best hybrid services out there but they're expensive.  And DS was like, "You were actually going to pay them! I can't believe you were going to give them your money.  I could get you published for a lot less."  I told her I wasn't actually going to pay them.  I just looked at their prices. 

I don't know and it's really not anything I need to worry about.  But I think she's scamming people.  It really sucks for anyone who has fallen for her BS.  I have wondered how she gets money, though.  She doesn't' work.  She sits on her ass all day but always has money.  She tells people she makes a living as an author.  But I find that hard to believe too considering all the books I've found online have two 5 star reviews, from her and her former husband.  If a book only has a couple reviews and they're both 5 stars, it means it's not really being read.  The author most likely got some friends to read it and that's it.  This is why I want 1 star reviews.  At least a couple 1 star reviews are an honor in a weird way.  It means enough people read your book that a few of them hated it.  It's not just your friends and family anymore.  Your work has reached a real audience when you get your first 1 star review. 

Tonight I finally finished chapter 10 of Needles.  This is the chapter I've been stuck on for 3 weeks. I sent it over to K (mentor) and I sent it to two of my friends who have been reading it as I've been writing it.  One of these people is a former drug dealer.  I love the fact that I have a former drug dealer reading my book about drug dealers and that she finds it accurate and interesting. 

But now, the first ten chapters are polished and edited.  Chapters 11 and 12 were written in 2021 and they are polished as well but they haven't gone to K yet.  Then there are ten more chapters after that that are drafted but not polished.  (I wrote this thing all out of order.)  I also have the introduction written out.  I love the intro I wrote for it.  The intro is called Where's My Elephant?  It's a reference to the short film Elephant Girl, made by David Lobser.  Basically when I started writing this book, I was literally contemplating suicide.  I lost Z, I lost my job, I was dealing with a cancer scare, my cat died, I was losing friends left and right.  And I was just looking for something to rescue me.  And I feel like this books rescued me like the Elephant rescues the girl in the film when everything around her is literally going to sh*t.  I will have to contact David Lobser and get permission to mention his film in my introduction.  Hopefully he won't mind.  I've been a fan of his work for ages. 

And if anyone is curious, here is Elephant Girl, it's not even 5 minutes long.  The man is a genius, enjoy!

 

[Batya33]

I feel this way these days about people who throw around the label "coach" - I realize there are certifications for life coaches and some trained mental health professionals also coach -but those who simply claim to be so -and charge hourly rates, etc - hmmmm.  

[Cynder]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I feel this way these days about people who throw around the label "coach" - I realize there are certifications for life coaches and some trained mental health professionals also coach -but those who simply claim to be so -and charge hourly rates, etc - hmmmm.  

Yea, anyone can call themself that, also.  And then there are the "spiritual coaches." who can just charge people a lot of money to tell them basic things like, "Meditate every day and do yoga."  I've met some of these people through the festival scene.  They just always give me the ick. 

My ex MIL was always telling me that I need a life coach.  And she would start preaching about this whenever she could.  Like at Thankgiving dinner in front of my ex's entire extended family.  She would talk about how I need to fire someone to get my life in order for me since I clearly can't do it myself.  Her biggest gripes with me were that I didn't make enough money and that I didn't want to start popping out babies as soon as I got married.  I got married when I was a senior in College.  It was not exactly a time to be juggling a senior independent study and motherhood.  And my ex and I were still undecided on whether or not we even wanted kids.  We were both open to the possibility.  And we were leaning more toward adoption than having a child ourselves if we decided we wanted kids.  But she was stuck on being a grandmother and she told me more than once that she wanted a blond, blue eyed grand daughter.  She seemed to actually think I could control that. I don't have blond hair and blue eyes, so there's a chance my kid wouldn't have those things either. 

I had a friend at that time who actually was a life coach.  He was an online friend and we never met in person.  He had his degree and was an actual counselor but he offered life coaching services on the side.  And I told him what my MIL used to say to me on the regular and he told me if I was his client the first thing he would tell me to do is divorce my husband, lol. 

My MIL was a really interesting lady.  There were some things about her that were really cool and unique.  But there were times when she was incredibly tone deaf about things.  She was very into eating all healthy organic food.  That's fine.  Not saying there's anything wrong with that.  I'm a healthy eater, too.  But she couldn't understand why my ex and I didn't buy all organic and follow a diet like hers.  I used to really love coffee when I was younger.  I don't drink it anymore because I have chronic stomach issues and it upsets my stomach.  But she would preach at me about how bad coffee is for me.  She would say it's acid and it's one of the worst things you can put in your body.  For a while every time I would go over there it was, "Are you still drinking coffee?  You know how bad that is for you?  You know what that's doing to your insides?"  It's not like I was some coffee addict who drank it all day every day.  I just really liked trying different coffee and indulging in it.  

I smoked cigarettes when  I was married too.  So did my ex.  And she would get on us about that.  Yes, we know it's bad for us.  Yes, we know about lung cancer.  She would start with, "You know when you have kids you're going to have to quit right?  When are you going to give me a blond blue eyed grand daughter?" 

Basically she just loved to preach about how everything we liked was bad and how we need to start having kids ASAP.  And all my ex's problems were my fault.  And I don't know how to live my life so I need to hire someone to tell me how.  And when my ex died, that was all my fault.  I still have his ashes because she told me she would come and get them from me eventually.  Well he died in 2017.  I'm afraid if I scatter them she will come knocking right afterwords and be furious with me.  I could hear it now, "First you refused to give me the grand child I wanted.  Then you made my son kill himself!  And then you scattered his ashes!"  She lives out of state now.  But I figured she would probably make the trip here to get them at some point.  He always told me he wanted to be cremated and that he didn't care what was done with his ashes.  I remember once some wannabe shrink here on ENA tried to tell me I am still obsessed with him because I haven't scattered his ashes.  Um, no, I just was trying to respect his family's wishes and let them scatter them. 

Anyway, I need to go do some video editing. 

 

[Cynder]

My whole extended family is getting together at the same Italian restaurant we've gotten together at for years for Christmas.  It's easier to do it a little before the actual holiday.  My grandparents came over here from Italy and they had 11 kids.  So, we are a huge Italian family.  And I was thinking about how diverse my own family is, when it comes to lifestyles, etc.  I have an aunt and uncle who are really wealthy.  I mean, they both make six figure salaries.  They drive Beamers.  They fly first class, etc.  My uncle is cool because he hasn't always been wealthy.  My aunt (she is my aunt by marriage, not a blood relative) she comes from old money.  I remember one time she was in town and she was complaining a lot about how the bed in her hotel room was supposed to be a California King but it was just a regular king size bed.  She was talking like this completely ruined her trip and she was saying she will never stay there again.  Like wow... first world problems.  I wish my biggest problem in life was having to sleep in a king size bed instead of a California king. 

But then I have a cousin who lives in the ghetto of the ghetto.  Her and her kids have had to duck and lay on the floor because there were gunshots outside their apartment.  Her kids are teenagers and they all three carry guns. Not to be gangsters, but for protection. 

Most of us are regular working class people, though. 

Thinking about all this got me thinking about how out of touch with reality some rich people are.  My ex who was the trust fund kid didn't understand basic concepts like budgeting, and having to be to work on time, and having to work a certain schedule.  He didn't comprehend why I couldn't just go on a shopping spree when I got my paycheck.  He didn't understand why I chose a 30 year mortgage instead of just buying my house outright with cash.  If I ever talked about being stressed out about paying a bill on time or whatever he would say stuff like, "Well can't you just go withdraw some more money from the bank?" You can't withdraw what isn't there.  He had more money than I will ever see in my life.  And he was still almost 50k in credit card debt.  And he was hiding this from his Mom.  But he got himself really deep in debt before and his mom just paid it off for him.  A few years ago I had to have oral surgery and needed to pay the few hundred my insurance didn't cover the day of the surgery.  I asked my Mom to loan it to me and felt awful asking her.  It was like $300ish.  And I paid her back.  But I can't even imagine asking my Mom to just bail me out of a 50k credit card debt. 

People who have never experienced poverty don't understand how hard it is to get out of, either.  People who've never experienced it say things like, "Just work harder."  "Just learn to manage your money better."  But it's not that simple.  Poverty is a nuanced thing.  I've had people here on ENA who were pretty wealthy make some really judgmental comments to me about the way I live.  And I'm living more comfortably than a lot of people in my area right now.  I own a home.  I manage to eat healthy which isn't cheap.  The biggest sacrifice I've had to make in the last year or so is giving up streaming services like Netflix.  I barely ever watch TV so it's wasted money, IMO. My TV hasn't even been turned on in roughty 5 years. Last year during the off season I had to cut some corners, and that's what I cut.  I wasn't as successful as I hope in saving a squirrel fund for this year.  There is a fund, but it's not as much as I wanted.  But, last season really sucked.

I've started to feel flutters of hope for next season.  But I almost don't want to allow that.  Because I had such high hopes for last year.  Having low expectations makes everything better.  If I expect to go to a show and make nothing and I made $500 that great.  I made $500.  If I expect to go to a show and make $5000 and I only make $500 than that's a huge let down.  So as much as I want to be excited about next year, I'm afraid to be.

So tonight I will see my huge extended family and settle comfortably into my role of black sheep, or purple/green haired tattooed sheep, more accurately. My brother and my sister and I all wear Tool shirts to family gatherings.  It started years ago when the night before some family get together we all went to see Tool, and we all showed up at the thing wearing the shirts we bought the night before.  And my aunt, the rich aunt was like, "Is Tool a local band?"  And we all thought that was really funny.  And so it almost became like an inside joke.  And so I wonder what Tool shirt I'm going to wear tonight.  I bet I could probably wear a Tool shirt every day for a whole month and never wear the same one twice.  I have a lot of them. 

So now, I decided just for the hell of it, to ask MidJourney to draw me a purple and green tattooed sheep.  I've been playing around with eh free version for the fun of it.  So here is what it came up with.  And NOw I'm going to sleep. 

 

[Batya33]

I try not to judge people based on how much money they have or make -it's funny to me because when I was a SAHM certain people assumed I was financially dependent on my husband and didn't contribute to household expenses since I didn't work outside the home, or assumed we live in a smallish apartment because we can't afford a house, etc. Both fake news.

It's funny how when I was temporarily and technically disabled aka high risk knocked up it brought out interesting reactions.  I was screamed at once for taking a disabled seat on a bus (there were several other empty seats - I was too big to stand for that long), I was berated for being concerned at a UPS store when a man very carelessly dropped a heavy box on my foot (obviously can't hurt the baby but just as obvious a person who already has difficulty walking doesn't need an injury and having to go to urgent care wouldn't be fun when that preggers), and I was heckled by a maintenance worker at my office for walking up a flight of stairs too slowly in his opinion.  Many people went out of their way to be helpful.

Having been the target of judgments like these (oh and my employer in a wealthy resort town when I was a teenager who assumed I came from a poor family because my older sister wore thrift shop clothing -so after meeting my sister who tutored one of her kids -she offered me a job as a summer nanny "to help a poor kid" lol -then I arrived wearing typical teenage clothes, enough clothes, etc) I try to treat people as individuals and I also respect those who help people who are food insecure, struggle with money, with poverty even if they never truly experienced it -I am hesitant to assume they "can't know" if they are in the front lines helping.

I've never been dirt poor - my parents at times struggled financially, my grandparents came here with absolutely nothing- but I worked with many adults and kids who did and I hope I made a contribution.  I hope to volunteer in that particular way again.  These days for that community I donate $$ more than time.

I've met people who have little money and are very generous, those who have a lot of money and are cheap, people who are poor and stingy people who are rich and generous and every combo one can imagine.  I happen to know and be acquainted with many people and love meeting people so maybe through this diversity over the last 50 years or so I get reminded again and again about holding back on too many assumptions.

Your post reminded me of the recent novel Pineapple Street. I just finished it. It was great IMO.  Check it out and enjoy your holiday gathering! I love the theme shirts.

[boltnrun]

I find it interesting how differently people react to being poor as children. My brother wants to buy everything he can find since he became financially and professionally successful in his career because we had nothing growing up. And I think "Meh, I didn't have this when I was a kid, I don't need it now!" Funny. 

BTW, good on you for owning a home. That's something I never managed to do. 

[catfeeder]

I hope you end up having a terrific time at your reunion. True story: my Mom took my sister and me to shop for food for the basket we decorated to donate to a collection for Thanksgiving at a local church. We had saved up our own money for this, and since we were kids we probably didn’t have enough, so Mom likely paid the difference. We took pride in gathering good brands and the best picks of produce. It was a stormy day, and we hustled in pouring rain to get our beautiful giant basket to the drop off point.

As we arrived home and lit a fire to warm up and dry off, there was a knock on our door. Mom opened it and we couldn’t hear much beyond her surprised thank you. She came back to the fireplace with a basket, smaller than ours, and said, “I guess we were on the list!” While we were laughing, my sister stopped and asked, “Mom, are we poor?” And Mom couldn’t stop laughing while she tried to say, “Yes, we are poor!”

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I find it interesting how differently people react to being poor as children. My brother wants to buy everything he can find since he became financially and professionally successful in his career because we had nothing growing up. And I think "Meh, I didn't have this when I was a kid, I don't need it now!" Funny. 

BTW, good on you for owning a home. That's something I never managed to do. 

Yes - my mom grew up in a house where her parents went through the great depression.  They had enough - but it certainly affected spending/saving habits -they lived frugally.

[Cynder]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I try not to judge people based on how much money they have or make -it's funny to me because when I was a SAHM certain people assumed I was financially dependent on my husband and didn't contribute to household expenses since I didn't work outside the home, or assumed we live in a smallish apartment because we can't afford a house, etc. Both fake news.

It's funny how when I was temporarily and technically disabled aka high risk knocked up it brought out interesting reactions.  I was screamed at once for taking a disabled seat on a bus (there were several other empty seats - I was too big to stand for that long), I was berated for being concerned at a UPS store when a man very carelessly dropped a heavy box on my foot (obviously can't hurt the baby but just as obvious a person who already has difficulty walking doesn't need an injury and having to go to urgent care wouldn't be fun when that preggers), and I was heckled by a maintenance worker at my office for walking up a flight of stairs too slowly in his opinion.  Many people went out of their way to be helpful.

Having been the target of judgments like these (oh and my employer in a wealthy resort town when I was a teenager who assumed I came from a poor family because my older sister wore thrift shop clothing -so after meeting my sister who tutored one of her kids -she offered me a job as a summer nanny "to help a poor kid" lol -then I arrived wearing typical teenage clothes, enough clothes, etc) I try to treat people as individuals and I also respect those who help people who are food insecure, struggle with money, with poverty even if they never truly experienced it -I am hesitant to assume they "can't know" if they are in the front lines helping.

I've never been dirt poor - my parents at times struggled financially, my grandparents came here with absolutely nothing- but I worked with many adults and kids who did and I hope I made a contribution.  I hope to volunteer in that particular way again.  These days for that community I donate $$ more than time.

I've met people who have little money and are very generous, those who have a lot of money and are cheap, people who are poor and stingy people who are rich and generous and every combo one can imagine.  I happen to know and be acquainted with many people and love meeting people so maybe through this diversity over the last 50 years or so I get reminded again and again about holding back on too many assumptions.

Your post reminded me of the recent novel Pineapple Street. I just finished it. It was great IMO.  Check it out and enjoy your holiday gathering! I love the theme shirts.

I will have to check that out.  I've been devouring audiobooks lately at work.  (Audible was one of the things I didn't give up last year when I was re-evaluating what I can give up, etc.)  I consider it important because I write.  Writers should read a lot, IMO.  And reading actual books is hard for me because of my vision. 

Obviously there are exceptions to everything.  I've known wealthy people who were really frugal, etc. 

There are misconceptions about wealth in our society like you mentioned.  When I was a student and married, I still had a job and contributed to the bills.  But people assumed my husband just supported me.  And there is this idea that people who work from home don't work as hard as people who have to go somewhere to do their job.  In business, there's this idea that people who don't have an actual brick and mortar shop don't have a "real business."  (Vendors get this a lot... our business travels with us, so people seem to think we aren't legit business owners.)  People think if someone went to college, they just have some kooshy high paying job waiting for them as soon as they graduate.  That isn't true.  When I worked my automotive job people would find out I had a degree and be like, "Well what are you working here for?" A lot of college grads don't work in their field.  And I worked that job because it paid really well and gave me enough money and free time to build up my business, which was my real passion.  People also think business owners who actually have a brick and mortar business are just rolling in money.  My first serious boyfriend's parents were business owners.  They owned an auto body shop.  Their shop was known in our town.  And when people found out I was dating their son, I would get comments like, "Wow, you're Momma taught you well.  You're going after money."  Ok...  I'm not going after money and his family didn't have tons of money.  They lived with his Mom's parents.  His parents drove clunker cars.  My family was actually more well off than they were and that's saying something since my family wasn't exactly high class either. 

It's also interesting that people think artists are all poor and scraping by.  But people think authors are rich.  This is something I've been thinking about lately because I'm about to be both.  I know a lot of artists and I know a lot of authors.  Most of the artists I know are more well off than the authors I know.  My mentor has written over 50 novels.  And he is well read and well sold.  You look on his Amazon/Goodreads and his books have a lot of reviews, all across the board, lots of 5 stars, a few one stars, etc.  He's also an editor.  He lives in a regular three bedroom house in a working class area.  He isn't rolling in money.  The author I know who just released her 5th book (I did the cover art for it) she drives a used car and works a day job at a pizza place. 

Anyway I feel like I'm rambling. 

 

[Cynder]

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I find it interesting how differently people react to being poor as children. My brother wants to buy everything he can find since he became financially and professionally successful in his career because we had nothing growing up. And I think "Meh, I didn't have this when I was a kid, I don't need it now!" Funny. 

BTW, good on you for owning a home. That's something I never managed to do. 

My youngest brother is like that, too.  We didn't have much growing up so he has made it his mission to own the biggest house, the nicest car, all the latest gadgets, etc.  And then he decided he wants nothing to do with the rest of us because he's better than us. 

My sister got everything handed to her growing up because she was the favorite.  And she has lived a pretty boring life. 

My brother and I had to work for everything.  And we both have done so many things that most people don't get to do.  I've been to Europe multiple times. (I know going to Europe isn't necessarily something people don't get to do... but I'm the only member of my immediate family that ever has.  And I don't travel like a tourist. So my experiences in Europe were really unique, etc.) I've been all over the country working at festivals.  My brother toured with his band all over the US and he followed Tool around on tour for a while.   Him and I have made it more a point to spend money on experiences rather than stuff. 

I remember when I was a kid, I forget what we were watching, but someone on TV said that most school age kids in the US can't even locate England on a map.  And I said that I don't know where England is (I was maybe 12) And my dad was like, "Well you'll never got here, so it doesn't really matter.)  My 12 year old self decided one day I would go there just because he said I wouldn't.  And I did a few years ago. 

 

[Cynder]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I hope you end up having a terrific time at your reunion. True story: my Mom took my sister and me to shop for food for the basket we decorated to donate to a collection for Thanksgiving at a local church. We had saved up our own money for this, and since we were kids we probably didn’t have enough, so Mom likely paid the difference. We took pride in gathering good brands and the best picks of produce. It was a stormy day, and we hustled in pouring rain to get our beautiful giant basket to the drop off point.

As we arrived home and lit a fire to warm up and dry off, there was a knock on our door. Mom opened it and we couldn’t hear much beyond her surprised thank you. She came back to the fireplace with a basket, smaller than ours, and said, “I guess we were on the list!” While we were laughing, my sister stopped and asked, “Mom, are we poor?” And Mom couldn’t stop laughing while she tried to say, “Yes, we are poor!”

Now as an adult, I look back and I have no clue how my parents did it.  Their mortgage payment was the same as my mortgage payment is now, back in the 90s.  My Dad's paychecks were about $680 every two weeks.  And the reason I know that is because I went to the bank with him to deposit his check once and I remember him saying how much it was, and thinking that was an insane amount of money.  And my Mom made less than him.  Back when I was a kid my Mom didn't even make 10k a year.  (And I know that because I remember learning in social studies that 10k a year was the poverty line in our area and my Mom saying she made less than that was really surprising to me.) I make more than my parents did in the 90s, obviously, wages have gone up, etc.  But the mortgage I pay is the same as what they paid, and they had 5 kids to feed... and two cars.  I don't have a car or kids, and I still have trouble paying my bills and my house payment at times.  As messed up as my childhood was, I do have mad respect for them in that regard.  Because we never went without the basic.  Our power was always on.  We always ate, etc.  And they didn't get any government assistance either. 

My dad used to buy these cheap clunker cars and fix them up and sell them for 3 or 4x what he paid.  That was one way he made money on the side.  My Mom had a second job at a pizza place for a while, too. 

But also... there was always booze and cigarettes and they both snorted cocaine on the regular.  So, we could have lived a little better if my parents weren't substance abusers, that's the other side of it.  My dad also played the lottery religiously.  So, they blew money on things that weren't necessary. 

And we were always told how good we have it.  My dad especially... he was always talking about how we have so good because we have a home and food.  Ok, yea a lot of people don't have those things.  But having the basic necessities doesn't necessarily mean a child has it good.  We witnessed a lot of violence.  I saw my dad passed out peeing on the couch and puking all over himself more than once.  My dad threatened to kill himself more than once, etc.  So... on one hand I have a lot of respect for my parents making ends meet when it was hard.  But also, the idea that we had it so good was shoved down our throats when we really didn't have it that good. 

 

[Cynder]

I got home a little while ago and was clicking around on YouTube looking for something to listen to in the background while I clean.  There was one documentary that looked interesting.  So I clicked on it and started watching it.  I didn't get 5 minutes in before deciding to find something else.  Why?  Because my ex is heavily featured in it. 

It's like the Universe does not want me to forget about him.  I blocked him, but I can still see his posts on the group I'm an admin in for vendors.  He posted in that group earlier today, actually.  Blocking him didn't really do much because people who know him can still contact me and tell me what he's up to.  So I've started to ask them not to. 

I wasn't searching for documentaries on this particular subject.  I honestly forgot this film even existed.  He did tell me about it years ago.  And then it just randomly shows up on my YT recommendations. 

I wonder if he is having a similar experience.  Like, are people running to him and telling him what's going on in my life?  Is he seeing random things I've been involved in pop up online?  I have never been featured in a documentary.  (I'm nowhere near that cool, lol.)  But I have made a few short films that are up on YouTube and films I've been involved with both as an actor and behind the scenes are floating around online. 

It all makes me sad, more than anything. 

And it's interesting how he made me feel more visible than anyone else has, but at the same time next to him I was just as invisible as ever.  If a peacock is walking around with a quail, who is everyone going to notice?  I am definitely the quail in that analogy.  So, in other words I was just as invisible as ever to other people when I was out in public with him.  But he made me feel visible.  No one ever has before, and I doubt anyone will again.  And he told me (and other people) that I was the only person he felt like he could have real two sided conversations with.  I was the only one who ever met him where he was.  So he is probably wondering if he will ever find that again.  It's just really crushing knowing that so many things were good about that relationship, and there was still no salvaging it. 

The organizer of OM contacted me earlier today and offered me a free booth for the February show.  I don't think I want to do it.  And I know it probably comes off as childish to wonder about this...  but I've been doing OM shows since 2016, I've never once been offered a free booth.  And the booth fee at OM is high.  That's why I've scaled back how many of them I do.  D has never paid for his booth.  He got a free booth the first time because I used some of my credit from 2020 to get it for him.  And ever since then he's been given a free booth.  One thing I hear a lot of people say they have a problem with when it comes to OM is that the organizer just charges whatever he feels like charging people.  Some people pay hundreds and other pay nothing depending on how much he likes you and how known you are in the scene.  I've achieved scene royalty status, so now I don't have to pay.  As much as that is convenient for me, it still doesn't feel fair. 

And speaking of feeling invisible...  tonight at the family gathering, I was barely even spoken to.  And then when everyone was leaving, I was standing with my brother and my sister in an alcove and so many aunts and cousins came over to hug and kiss my siblings goodbye, tell them Merry Christmas, tell them I love you, etc.  Only one person even acknowledged me during goodbyes, my aunt Barb.  The wife of one of my cousins was standing there talking to the three of us for a while and she assumed I was my sister's girlfriend.  When we told her no, I'm their sister she was like, "Oh, I didn't even know *my Mom's name* had another daughter!"  My family barely even acknowledges my existence half the time.  And so for most of the time when I was there I was just thinking, yea, this food is good, but I feel like I'm sitting in a room full of strangers.  I just kept wanting to leave.  I could have just slipped out the back and I wonder who would have even noticed. 

 

[Batya33]

Had you considered not attending the family gathering? I try to limit shoulds like that in my life.  I'm sorry it was uncomfortable.

Assume there are people mentioning your name etc to D.  But to me that should be the end of the assumptions as far as speculating on how or whether he reacts.  One time my husband mentioned my ex best friend's name to me years after I ended that toxic situation.  I literally said "who???" - I literally had not thought of her in so long.  Then I told him to please not mention her again.  But others exes he could have mentioned I'd have had a very different reaction.

My ex boyfriend's best friend's wife who I've never met started messaging me on FB a year or so ago.  She wanted to get to know me for some reason.  She's really nice.  A few times she subtly referenced my ex -maybe she also asked me if I'd met his wife (yes, I have).  I shut it down very politely -literally changed the topic.  She never did it again.  So yes she mentioned him, no I wasn't surprised and my sense is my ex would assume knowing what he used to know of me (used to!) that I'd have been eager for info -just in a curious way.  His assumption would have been wrong. 

Assume that even though you knew D for years and you ended things a few months ago -assume you don't really know him anymore -not to the extent of assuming how he'd react to hearing your name or info.   

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Had you considered not attending the family gathering? I try to limit shoulds like that in my life.  I'm sorry it was uncomfortable.

Assume there are people mentioning your name etc to D.  But to me that should be the end of the assumptions as far as speculating on how or whether he reacts.  One time my husband mentioned my ex best friend's name to me years after I ended that toxic situation.  I literally said "who???" - I literally had not thought of her in so long.  Then I told him to please not mention her again.  But others exes he could have mentioned I'd have had a very different reaction.

My ex boyfriend's best friend's wife who I've never met started messaging me on FB a year or so ago.  She wanted to get to know me for some reason.  She's really nice.  A few times she subtly referenced my ex -maybe she also asked me if I'd met his wife (yes, I have).  I shut it down very politely -literally changed the topic.  She never did it again.  So yes she mentioned him, no I wasn't surprised and my sense is my ex would assume knowing what he used to know of me (used to!) that I'd have been eager for info -just in a curious way.  His assumption would have been wrong. 

Assume that even though you knew D for years and you ended things a few months ago -assume you don't really know him anymore -not to the extent of assuming how he'd react to hearing your name or info.   

I didn't consider not going.  It's not even that these people treat me bad.  It's just that a lot of them ignore me.  I usually sit with my siblings at these events.  But last night my aunt Traci sat down with them and I ended up sitting with my ancient great aunt and uncle who are in their mid 80s and didn't say two words the whole time we were eating.  I've never been close to them and don't know them very well.  And it was obvious they didn't want to talk.  At one point my sister was standing near the table I was sitting at and she told me she's about to be pet sitting a friend's bearded dragon.  She asked me what to feed it.  I told her crickets and larvae.  She was like, "Oh thank God I thought you would say I have to feed it rats like you feed your snake."  (This was long after dinner ended, if anyone is wondering.)  And my great aunt was like, "You have a snake!  That's so disgusting." 

I just don't operate on the same level as most of my family.  And I'm not saying my level is higher necessarily.  I am just so far removed from all of them. 

Today I have to deliver some inventory to a shop I consign at.  The owner knows D really well.  I am not sure if I should tell him I don't want to hear anything or if that would just be awkward.  I know some people are probably reading this and thinking I need to just pull out of that shop.  But good consignment is hard to find.  Getting into a shop is half the battle and then once you're in you don't know if you're stuff will sell.  My stuff sells at his shop.  And I need the money.  I know today will probably be awkward. 

The whole thing with the documentary on YT was just so defeating, though.  Because it really was so random.  I knew this documentary was out there, but I didn't know the name of it, etc.  I barely even remembered him telling me about it.  So I click on this film on YouTube and start watching it, and 5 minutes in there's my ex.  All I could think was, "Are you freaking serious...?" 

I guess it is what it is.  At least by the time next season is here I will have had some time to process everything. 

 

[boltnrun]

I don't think you should pull out of the shop.  I also don't recommend preemptively telling the shop owner not to mention D.  I would only say something if THEY say something about him.

[Cynder]

41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't think you should pull out of the shop.  I also don't recommend preemptively telling the shop owner not to mention D.  I would only say something if THEY say something about him.

Talking about the whole documentary situation...  I know it's not the same thing, but D hangs out at this shop somewhat regularly.  My art is plastered all over the walls there.  So just like the documentary was randomly thrown in my face, he sees my art every time he goes to hang out with his buddy the shop owner.  I know that's not so random, but it probably causes similar feelings. 

[catfeeder]

20 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Talking about the whole documentary situation...  I know it's not the same thing, but D hangs out at this shop somewhat regularly.  My art is plastered all over the walls there.  So just like the documentary was randomly thrown in my face, he sees my art every time he goes to hang out with his buddy the shop owner.  I know that's not so random, but it probably causes similar feelings. 

I hear. The two of you have always traveled in the same circles, and since that is likely the case for the future, you’ll learn how to navigate this. You’re not enemies, you both want the best for one another, and the only restriction that has presented is your need to protect yourself from his bizarre acting out during his mental health crisis.

So if people ask you about him, you can say, “Next time we speak, I’ll say you asked about him.” If they press, you can say, “We agreed not to speak for one another, so I’ll be happy to mention you asked about him.”

Beyond that, you don’t owe anyone any explanations. Just go about your business, and should you run into him, greet him warmly. If he doesn’t respond in kind, allow that to be his problem, not yours.

Does this overlook the difficulties in trying to decathect from someone you love? Of course, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution for every nuance you may encounter, but I agree with Bolt, it makes no sense to base your normal life transactions on trying to avoid all traces of D and all who know him. Just have some stock answers ready for people who inquire, and give benefit of doubt that people who just want to be friendly won’t know that they’re stepping on a private land mine.

[Cynder]

16 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I hear. The two of you have always traveled in the same circles, and since that is likely the case for the future, you’ll learn how to navigate this. You’re not enemies, you both want the best for one another, and the only restriction that has presented is your need to protect yourself from his bizarre acting out during his mental health crisis.

So if people ask you about him, you can say, “Next time we speak, I’ll say you asked about him.” If they press, you can say, “We agreed not to speak for one another, so I’ll be happy to mention you asked about him.”

Beyond that, you don’t owe anyone any explanations. Just go about your business, and should you run into him, greet him warmly. If he doesn’t respond in kind, allow that to be his problem, not yours.

Does this overlook the difficulties in trying to decathect from someone you love? Of course, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution for every nuance you may encounter, but I agree with Bolt, it makes no sense to base your normal life transactions on trying to avoid all traces of D and all who know him. Just have some stock answers ready for people who inquire, and give benefit of doubt that people who just want to be friendly won’t know that they’re stepping on a private land mine.

The thought didn't occur to me until I read this post that he could be there at the shop when I get there.  That really makes me nervous. 

But I also think the Universe tries to keep us out of situations we aren't supposed to be in.  I've heard people say that when you're trying to get somewhere and a bunch of things happen that make you really late, it's because you're not supposed to be there, etc.  Well, my brother was supposed to pick me up over an hour ago.  At around 12:45 I called him and he didn't answer.  I texted asking if everything is ok.  No answer.  My sister doesn't live too far from him so after some time passed I texted her and told her what was going on and I asked if she could go check on him.  Because I'm having all these thoughts like what if he fell down the stairs and he's laying there unconscious or something, idk. 

Well, she drove by his house and saw him out in his driveway talking to some guy.  She called me and told me he's fine. 

Then a few minutes later my brother called and said he was about to get in his car to come and pick me up, but then his friend pulled into his driveway unannounced and wanted to show him something real quick.  And his friend locked his keys in his car.  So now they are waiting on his friend's wife to leave work and come and rescue her husband. 

So...  maybe D is hanging out up at the shop and me getting there late will make it so our paths don't cross.  I really am not ready to see him.  For all I know his friend told him I was coming up there to drop inventory off and he just decided to drop by...  So many people in the scene want to see us back together. I know this is all just speculation.  But I'm going to be really late getting there.  I really hope his friend didn't tell him I'm coming in today, but you never know.  My brother's friend stopping over and locking keys in his car might be the Universe protecting me from a meeting I'm not ready for.  

[Cynder]

I am really excited because I found another source for magnets.  True, I like to keep things as local as possible.  A local mom and pop print shop does all my prints.  And they also did all my magnets too.  But today when I was at the shop I saw magnets from another artist there.  They were really high quality magnets.  I mean, mine are high quality too.  But they were higher quality.  They had a really nice glossy finish and a beveled edge.  So I contacted the guy.  I basically said, "Hey, I am a consignor at *shop* also.  I was there earlier and saw some of your magnets.  I understand if you don't want to tell me, but I was just wondering who prints them?  Anyway, thanks for reading this message from a random stranger.  Have a good weekend."  I didn't expect to get an answer.  But he actually did answer.  I was just looking at the site and I would be paying less for higher quality.  And they are a small business.  Not local, but I'm still supporting a small business and not a corporation.  So, as much as I probably sound like a massive dork right now, I'm so excited to order more magnets!  The minimum order at the place I get them now is around $200.  They sell like hotcakes and it's hard to restock them because that's a lot of money to throw down.  But one this site I can order 25 for around $27.  So now I can restock them a little at a time.  This is a game changer for me.  Magnets were something new that I rolled out this year.  And until now I haven't been able to put them in any of the consignment shops because it's so hard to keep them in stock I would rather keep them for shows.  Now I can put them in all the consignment shops, too. 

Being at the shop today was really inspiring, actually.  I saw so many things that made me want to create again.  And seeing the shelves of books from so many authors I know really made me want to get on finishing Needles so I can have my books on those shelves. 

And anyone reading this who has read the most recent entries before it has probably guessed that D wasn't there. 

I know it might not make sense to anyone reading this, but I'm so amped up to order more magnets, lol.  That made my day.  As of now I don't have any shows until May, but I really want to start stocking up for when I do have more. 

 

[Cynder]

Last night I went out for coffee with a good friend of mine that I've known forever.  I've written about him a lot in this thread, I've always referred to him as B.  He's a tattoo artist.  He's done a few of mine.  And we were FWBs and even a little more than that for a time. 

Conversations with him are always great.  Last night we got to talking about both of our previous relationships.  He just got out of a yearish long relationship that was almost entirely based on sex.  He just realized one day that without the sex, there wasn't much to it.  And my relationship was the opposite, because D is (pretty much) asexual, even though he doesn't call himself that.  I know it might be disrespectful to use that label since he doesn't use it himself.  But I'm only using it out of convenience.  There really is no accurate label to use. 

And B was asking me how I handed that, like how I could be with someone and not sleep with them.  I told him it just wasn't an issue.  I mean, for one I had the freedom to go get it elsewhere if I really wanted it.  The only thing he asked was that I just be honest with him about it.  And also, an orgasm is a few seconds of pleasure.  It's not a life or death priority. 

B asked if we ever did anything physical and I told him as far as it ever went was kissing.  And he was like, "See, I couldn't handle that.  Kissing turns me on too much." 

Kissing might have been it for us, but wow... when we kissed it was amazing.  I tried to explain that to B and he was like, "Well, was it just a really big turn on or what?  Like what made it so good?"  I told him it wasn't even that it turned me on.  It wasn't like, "Omg, I'm so turned on I want to shove my tongue in your mouth and suck your face off," lol.  It was more like, "Omg, I'm so in love." 

The first time we kissed was on my birthday when we went to do SFM.  It was in the hotel room and it wasn't just one kiss.  It was a prolonged makeout session, basically.  And honestly, that was better than any sex I've ever had. 

And there were also times when we would be laying in bed together when we would laying facing each other and look each other straight in the eyes for a really long time without saying anything.  I know there are people reading this thinking that's really weird.  But I'll tell you... it was intense.  And that was also better than any sex I've had.  And on a more superficial level that was interesting too, because he has the same color of eyes as me, and my eyes are a rare color.  He's the only person I've ever met outside of my family with eyes like mine.

It was like what we had was so much more evolved that just "Oh hey, lets bang."  I mean, I get it.  Lust is a primal thing.  It's animalalistic.  It's part of our drive to reproduce.  Sex is something most people want on some level.  Even a lot of asexual people still have it at some point.  But I've never gotten to the point with anyone where I didn't care about it because we had something that was more evolved.  And it sucks that a lot of people will live their entire lives and probably never experience that.  It also sucks that I experienced it and then had to lose it.  But the universe is a giant puzzle and everything fits where it's supposed to fit.  Clearly it's not our time. 

I hope no one is reading this and thinking B was grilling me or making me uncomfortable talking about this.  It wasn't like that.  I've been close friends with this guy since 2000.  And we've been off and on FWBs throughout that time.  So, we are just really comfortable with each other.  I would say I think of him like a brother except that would feel incestuous considering our history. 

And then after I got home from having coffee with him, a friend of mine I haven't talked to in 8 years messaged me out of nowhere on FB.  We never had a falling out or anything.  We just drifted out of contact.  A big part of it was differing opinions on (for lack of a better word, drugs.)  The last time I talked to him I was prepping for my first Ayahuasca ceremonies.  And he was very against psychedelics.  And so many of our conversations turned into a debate about that.  He is a brain cancer survivor.  So to him, anything that messed with the mind like that was just blasphemous.  But he was all for antidepressants, which in my opinion, they mess with the mind in similar ways, just on a smaller scale and over a longer period of time.  I am not someone who thinks one is all good and the other is all bad.  I am on an antidepressant currently.  It's a mild one but it has improved my quality of life.  And not everyone has a good experience with psychedelics, either. There are a lot of horror stories... people who say their life was completely ruined. There are people who have gone out in the jungle and done Ayahuasca and then came back home and killed themselves because they just couldn't handle what they saw/experienced, etc.  It's not for everyone.  You really have to be prepared for a journey straight into Hell. 

But anyway...  that was the biggest reason this guy and I just stopped talking.  There was no fight. There was no, "I don't like you anymore."  It was more like "We always seem to end up talking about this thing we vehemently disagree on, and it's getting old."  

So, since we talked last, he had a daughter.  He has a 5 year old now.  And...  I don't know what circumstances lead to this, but he has tried psychedelics.  And they really improved his state of mind.  For him it was mushrooms.  So, it was really cool catching up with him after eight years.  

Later on today I'm going to order some magnets. 

 

[Batya33]

For me personally having sex is something I’ve enjoyed doing only within a serious exclusive committed relationship and I know I wouldn’t enjoy it casually or one night stand etc. so I haven’t tried. Lust obviously is part of it. Only part. I wouldn’t have been in a serious committed relationship with a person who didn’t want a regular sex life.
Also because I wanted a baby and it’s much harder without intercourse lol.  It was really fun having tons of sex whenever we could at my right time of the month.  

I think there’s way too much walking on eggshells over labels. Especially newer labels with which many are not familiar. Life is too short for that intensity to that extreme. I do think it’s inappropriate to label oneself in a way that takes away from someone who’s actually accomplished the label. Like “oh I’m college educated because I took an AP class and taught myself. No difference” or “I’m married.  We live like a married couple and her kids call me dad.”   

[Cynder]

34 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

For me personally having sex is something I’ve enjoyed doing only within a serious exclusive committed relationship and I know I wouldn’t enjoy it casually or one night stand etc. so I haven’t tried. Lust obviously is part of it. Only part. I wouldn’t have been in a serious committed relationship with a person who didn’t want a regular sex life.
Also because I wanted a baby and it’s much harder without intercourse lol.  It was really fun having tons of sex whenever we could at my right time of the month.  

I think there’s way too much walking on eggshells over labels. Especially newer labels with which many are not familiar. Life is too short for that intensity to that extreme. I do think it’s inappropriate to label oneself in a way that takes away from someone who’s actually accomplished the label. Like “oh I’m college educated because I took an AP class and taught myself. No difference” or “I’m married.  We live like a married couple and her kids call me dad.”   

I've never actually had a one night stand.  The closest I ever came was having a vacation fling, basically.  One of the times I went to Europe by myself, I met this guy over there and we had our thing for the time I was there.  But it was understood that this is it.  Once I leave, we have memories and nothing else.  He was really hot, and it was fun.  But he wasn't someone I would want to be with long term. 

All my other partners have been relationships or FWBs.  My number is really low compared to other people my age.  Z asked once if she was in my top 10.  And I told her there have only been 10, so yes.  Ten seems like a lot to some.  But a lot of my friends who have shared that number with me are up in the 50s at least.  Both L and Z have lost count of how many partners they've had.  And they aren't the only ones I know who've lost count. 

A lot of people think if someone is in an open relationship that means they are just open for business and will get down with anyone.  Not the case. 

Labels are hard to navigate.  This was before my time so I don't actually remember it, but once there were gay people and straight people.  Then there were people who basically said, "Well what about us?  We are attracted to both the same and opposite sex."  Those people were given the label Bisexual.  But since the internet came along, now there are tons of labels.  It's impossible to keep up with.  I was pretty confident it wouldn't happen here, but I know if I would have called someone asexual out of convenience even though they don't call themself that on a few other online communities I would have been crucified.  He doesn't call himself that but that's the closest thing I ca think to call him.  When asked why we didn't have sex that was just the easiest way of explaining it. 

Asexuality is a spectrum on its own.  Some asexuals are completely disgusted by the idea of sex and absolutely refuse to do it.  Others are willing but get nothing out of it.  Others actually do enjoy it but  don't seek it out.  D's husband told him unless he's willing to have sex at least once in a while they wouldn't be together.  So, once in a while he is put in a position where he "has to" with his husband.  I would never put that expectation on someone I'm with.  For one, how good can it be when you know the person you're doing it to hates it and just wants it to be over?  I couldn't get into sleeping with someone under those circumstances if I was the one demanding it.  I mean, I know relationships are all about compromise.  That's their compromise.  But I wouldn't feel right in that arrangement. 

The best sex I ever had was with Z, hands down.  But that didn't save the relationship. 

[Cynder]

I've been listening to all the disturbing books I can lately.  I keep going through the disturbing books iceberg on Reddit and finding anything that sounds interesting to me.  It's been an interesting way of seeing how messed up my normal-ometer really is.  A lot of these "disturbing" books haven't really rattled me that much.  And I'm not bragging like, "Oh look how tough I am, American Psycho barely fazed me, tehehe!"  It's more like wow...  I've witnessed and experienced so many disturbing things that it takes a lot more to disturb me. 

American Psycho did get to me once.  And it was really only one sentence.  Our hero Patrick Bateman is talking about how boring his day was at one point and just casually mentions violent acts he performed on an animal like it's nothing.  Animal abuse is something that gets to me.  The part with the urinal cake was just funny in a messed up way. 

Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas is another one that shows up on a lot of "most disturbing books" lists.  Honestly I found it really boring.  I don't really remember much about it at all.  It's basically just some guys drive out to Vegas, and do a lot of drugs... and then they do more drugs... and then they do more drugs... And then they do some more drugs... and then it's over. 

Those two were a must for me, though.  Because I've been told multiple times that my style is similar to both of those authors.  Bret Easton Ellis is known for being a real scumbag.  Even though he's really successful and a lot of people think he's a genius, I almost don't want to be compared to him.  Hunter S Thompson is seen more as just being kind of crazy and elusive.  Being compared to him doesn't bother me as much. 

I was also compared to Dennis Cooper recently.  So I went and checked out one of his books.  It was a free audiobook on YouTube.  I got through the first chapter and didn't even continue.  It was basically just, hey, these three people met up and banged... then they went somewhere else and banged again.  Then they banged some more.  Like... ok?  Is there a point to this story?  It's not that sex offends me.  I'm about the least prudish person out there.  But I don't know any of these characters enough to even care about them.  SO why would I be excited reading about them all three banging each other?

I did recently discover Kristopher Triana though.  He's not as well known but I absolutely loved Full Brutal.  I want to write a story revolving around a Machiavellian main character some day.  And Full Brutal is very much that.  The main character is so cold and calculated and has this casual attitude as she destroys the lives of so many people around her.  I really want to be able to capture that in one of my novels.  I have a few ideas for revenge stories.  I could easily write a revenge story with a Machiavellian character.  Kind of a "You messed with the wrong B*tch" story. 

Anyway though... the reason I started writing this before I went off on a tangent about other books...  The book Push by an author named Sapphire (I don't know if that's how she spells it.  I know it's different than the crystal.) shows up on a lot of disturbing book lists.  I listened to it last night.  It's not very long.  I was able to get through it in a shift at work.  I found it on YouTube.  I would rather save my audible credits for longer books. 

The main character has two children by her own father and her mom is an abusive POS.  And she's literate and unattractive.  I am not all of those things but I felt like I could relate to this character more than the characters in any of these other books.  The main reason is because she talks all throughout the book about being invisible.  She questions why no one sees her.  Race is a big component in this because she's black.  And I am a midwestern white chick.  So I know if I tried to say I relate to this character on some platforms I would be crucified.  But I relate to feeling invisible. 

"I see it over and over, the real people, the people who show up when the picture come back; and they are pretty people, girls with little t*****s like buttons and legs like long white straws. Do all white people look like pictures? No, 'cause the white people at school is fat and cruel like evil witches from fairy tales but they exist. Is it because they white? If Mrs Lichtenstein who have elephant stomach and garbage smell from her p***y exist, why don't I? Why can't I see myself, feel where I end and begin? I sometimes look at the pink people in suits eyes, the men from business, and they look way above me, put me out of their eyes. My father don't see me really. If he did he would know I was like a white girl, a real person, inside. Can't he see I am a girl for flowers and thin straw legs and a place in the picture? I been out the picture so long I am used to it. But that don't mean it don't hurt. Sometimes I pass by store windows and somebody fat dark skin, old looking, someone look like my mother look back at me. But I know it can't be my mother 'cause my mother is at home. She not left home since Little Mongo was born. Who I see? I stand in tub sometimes, look my body, it stretch marks, ripples. I try to hide myself, then I try to show myself. I ask my mother for money to get my hair done, clothes. What it take for my mother to see me? Sometimes I wish I was not alive. But I don't know how to die. Aint' no plug to pull out. And no matter how bad I feel my heart don't stop beating and my eyes open in the morning. I wanna say I am somebody. I wanna say it on the subway, TV, movie, LOUD. I see the pink faces in suits look over top of my head. I watch myself disappear in their eyes, their tesses. I talk loud but still I don't exist."
 

This...  feeling unseen.  Out of the whole book that passage is what really stuck with me. 

And this is off subject but still ties in with this in a way...  A vendor I didn't really know was killed in a car accident a few days ago.  In the vendor communities everyone is talking about it, as expected.  And people who never met her are talking about what a shining beacon of light she was, how she touched their lives, etc.  I had never met her.  I posted my condolences to the people who did know her, though.  But I'm not going to sit there and talk like we were besties just to soak up the sympathy. 

But this also got me thinking the way I think when they talk about victims on true crime podcasts and stuff.  "Oh she was so kind, she was so awesome, etc..."  And I start thinking the only way anyone will ever talk about me that way is if I'm dead.  I really do think sometimes that the only way anyone will ever see me is after I die. 

That's just how people are, though.  When someone dies unexpectedly, suddenly all these people start coming out of the woodwork like, "OMG! I sat beside her once in the library when we were in 3rd grade 25 years ago!  I'm SO distraught!!!"  It's similar to when people win the lottery.  Suddenly everyone they've ever met in their life wants to be their best friend.  Suddenly everyone who ever wronged them is "So sorry!" 

I'm glad I'll die earlier than most people when there are still some people left to miss me. 

Jeez... what an appropriate song... way to go Spotify, lol.  And this song literally just started as I was typing the last paragraph about dying when I still have people to miss me. 

Sidenote...  I feel like my journal entries could be compared to old episodes of The Simpsons.  The first ten minutes had nothing to do with the rest of the episode.  Whatever I start writing about has nothing to do with what I end up writing about, lol.  Started out writing about disturbing books.  Ended up writing about death and how people are fake. 

[boltnrun]

I hope when I die people talk about me the way I really am. Not some BS idealized version that has no resemblance to reality. "She was annoying and talked too much and was cranky and had a mouth like a truck driver and was sick all the time and complained a lot and was a decent cook and tried to help people who had less than her but also was a real pain in the ass with her opinions and lectures."