Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

[Cynder]

Table read went really well. Once the script was read the conversation turned into a whole long discussion about S&M and what kind of things go on at the dungeon. Nick is a complete novice to this kind of stuff. Jane is a veteran to the whole scene. It's interesting that in the film their roles are completely reversed.

 

I am so excited now though that I have two people I can count on. We are tentatively shooting on Saturday. I need to get in touch with Kitty to make sure the house is available.

 

I will finish it in time for Dragon Con... I know I will.

[Cynder]

I am so excited about Aaron's birthday coming up... I have about 6 weeks to make this all come together.

 

He has wanted to go to Dave and Buster's for years. He hinted around at it for his last couple birthdays and when he graduated college. But no one has ever got the hint I guess. I don't even think he was hinting around with me. We saw a commercial for there a few weeks ago and he told me that he has wanted to go there for so long. He said, "We should just go there one of these days, it doesn't even need to be a special occasion."

 

I decided that's what we are doing for his birthday. Last night I was looking at satellite images of the area in Cleveland where Dave and Buster's is, and I noticed there's a hotel a quarter mile away. So I thought, hell, let's get a hotel room and spend the night.

 

So now I am trying to figure out how to get us there. I know the Greyhound goes to Cleveland and the bus station is just like 5 minutes on foot from my apartment. Bus tickets are cheap too. But, the Greyhound takes so long. Aimee went to Cleveland on a bus once and it took her like 4 hours to get there because they stop in every city along the way. And, I don't know how far we will be from Dave and Buster's when we get off the bus. Cleveland is like a 40 minute drive from here. Spending 4 hours on a bus to get there seems dumb to me. But, the other alternative is taking a cab, which will get us there fast and right to the door... but will be ridiculously expensive.

 

I suppose I could just have him drive, and navigate with my GPS and just not tell him where the destination is. "Ok, turn here..." lol. But I don't want him to have to drive himself to his own celebration. I don't want him to worry about anything other then relaxing and having a good time. He owns his own business, he stresses out about things a lot. He has three projects going on right now with three different clients. This is his weekend to cut loose and not worry about anything, even driving.

 

And then the day after I figured maybe we could go to Melt and the Science Center or something.

 

I was trying to find a copy of the Dave and Buster's menu online that actually has the prices, but I can't. I've heard it's expensive. I'm trying to figure out about how much I have to set aside for this adventure. A lot of it depends on how we get there and home.

 

I don't know how many people actually read this thread, but if you're reading and have any suggestions/thoughts on the transportation issue, feel free to weigh in.

[Cynder]

People like you just kill me, lol... complaining about being broke all the time, but when a job is offered to you (after my help, and bny my employer) you site no transportation as an excuse to turn them down. I've no transporaton either, but I get here every day. Its called a taxi. You must not mind being broke and jobless that much. I won't be helping you again.

[Cynder]

People like you just kill me, lol... complaining about being broke all the time, but when a job is offered to you (after my help, and bny my employer) you site no transportation as an excuse to turn them down. I've no transportation either, but I get here every day. Its called a taxi. You must not mind being broke and jobless that much. I won't be helping you again.

 

So, I texted the person I was talking about here and basically said what I said here but in a much gentler way. I think it worked because he texted me an hour later and told me his friend is willing to take him back and forth to work until he gets a car. Unfortunately, my employer probably moved on to someone else when he said he had no transportation.

 

I spent a lot of time this last weekend re-reading this thread. It's gotten pretty boring. At least when I was surrounded by dysfunction all the time life was more interesting.

 

Aimee is currently in Arizona. She was in Cali but left there and hitchhiked to Phoenix. I'm a little worried because I haven't heard from her in a while. She has a laptop, she gets online when she's somewhere where there's WiFi and checks in. It's been like a week since her last update.

 

When I started this thread I was completely enamored with Aaron R (not to be confused with Aaron V, who I'm dating now.) Aaron R took off down south for a few weeks, then was back here, stranded with nothing, and trying to get me to take him back. He still talks to me on facebook once in a while... But it's never that in depth a conversation. "Hey, how are you?" "Good, how are you." then he always goes into how much his life sucks. I'm still not sure how I feel about that... On one hand, I think he deserves a sucky life... but on the other hand I wish things weren't so bad for him. But I also know he could change a lot of that if he would just get off his ass.

 

I was writing about Aaron's birthday yesterday... His birthday is on a Thursday, I think I'm going to take Friday off work so we can go do this on Friday night and then spend Saturday running around Cleveland. Then we will still have Sunday to hang out at home and relax. I think he is going to have to drive, especially if we are planning on doing Melt and the Science Center the next day.

 

As much as sleeping in and staying up late is nice (because I am more of a nocturnal creature) second shift sucks. I feel like I don't have time to do anything. I always feel like I'm in a hurry. By the time I wake up, work out, shower and eat something it's time to leave for work. Then I get home and it's almost midnight and there's nothing open. All my friends are asleep, etc. I worked second when I was in college and it worked out well for me then, because all my friends worked similar hours.

 

Second shift is so much more laid back though... it's nice being able to listen to music at work (something I could never do on days.

 

So, now that I've found the model releases for all my tarot cards I can think about doing something with them. Adam told me he threw them away a while ago. I was so pissed off... all that work for nothing. I wondered why in the hell he would do that. I am still not sure if he threw something else away thinking it was them, or if he just lied to me about throwing them away to make me mad or what... But none of that matters now. I have them, all of them. So now I need to start the copywriting process.

 

I'm glad I didn't do anything with them when Adam and I were still together. If I would have he would have taken all the money and spent it on himself.

 

He's so out of touch with reality.

 

I ran into one of our friends from when we were making films the other night... she asked me all these questions about what happened, why none of our films were ever released, etc. I told her to get in touch with Adam and ask him. That's all on him, not me. He made bad decisions. He burned a lot of bridges. He's stuck in this rut of being a poser pretending to direct films. Now that the people who did all the actual work want nothing to do with him, he isn't getting anything done.

 

Meanwhile, I am doing the first shoot for ALS on Saturday. And my ultimate goal with ALS is to get it into the Dragon Con Festival. I won't lie... if it gets into the festival I can't wait to rub it in Adam's face.

[Cynder]

I'm filming today... well, as of now.

 

All week long I've been planning this shoot and brainstorming about this film. But early this morning my lead actor texted me and told me he doesn't have enough gas to get here but he's trying to figure it out. It's ironic that the one and only person involved who is getting paid for gas is out of gas, lol. I will pay him gas money when he gets here, but that doesn't help anything right now. I hope he can get his girlfriend or someone to loan him the money. I really don't want to have to postpone the whole shoot.

 

Last night at work I was stressing myself out to the point of not even wanting to eat. Normally by my lunch break I am famished. But last night twenty minutes before my lunch break I felt like I could puke. I decided then it was time to put my headphones on and listen to music for a while. That would distract me from thinking about everything that could go wrong.

 

The stress I was under made a convenient excuse to get drunk last night. I was invited out with my co workers earlier in the week so I already had plans to go out last night anyway. But I had a few too many... It's fine though. I got a good night of sleep that I probably wouldn't have gotten otherwise, and I am not hung over, so no harm no foul.

[Cynder]

Shoot is postponed. I'm so sick and tired of flakes. Is it really that hard to show up? You don't have a ride. Ok, well I don't have a car or a driver's license. I get around. That's not an excuse to me.

[Cynder]

So... if Nick really is flaking, I have other options. Aaron knows a guy named Anthony who has a lot of acting experience who might do it. Also, there's a guy named Leif that is interested. If he is flaking I'm not really sure why he would. He came down for an audition, and for a table read. He was really gungho about doing this. I'm debating on texting hi today and asking when he wants to try to reschedule this.

 

I was so pissed off yesterday that I almost posted a thread here about how frustrating it is dealing with flakes. But I know it would have ended badly. I'm already pissed off I don't need a bunch of snotty comments from people here about how wrong I am even though he is the one who didn't follow through with his commitment. I was already upset, that would have just made it worse.

 

Last night that thing I've really been wanting to happen finally happened. I am not going to go into detail but it was awesome.

 

Also last night, Aaron and I went to Panera for this month's Wayco meeting. We left a little early because we were both starving. And while we were driving there it started snowing really hard and the roads got really slick. We slid a couple times. And he just bought this car, so it was even more nerve racking. So we got there and we didn't see anyone else from the group. We thought maybe other people stayed home because of the weather. But we were already there so we ordered food and were eating. I was telling him about this idea I have for a short film, and I could tell he was getting really uncomfortable. I thought it was something I said. He made the comment that he didn't think anyone else was going to show and that he wanted to leave soon.

 

Well, it turns out he was really uncomfortable, but not because of me. He was uncomfortable because there was this couple sitting in the corner that kept looking at us and whispering, and at one point I guess the woman pointed at us. I couldn't see them because my back was to them, but he saw this and was just really annoyed.

 

But, when we were finished eating, the woman got up and came over to us. It turns out they were from Wayco also. They had never been to a meeting before and they recognized me from the website. That's why they were looking at us and whispering. They didn't know if it was me or not and weren't sure if they should come over and talk to us. For anyone reading this, Wayco is a local S&M group that meets once a month and has dinner here in my town. So, I can see why they were debating, You don't want to be wrong about that.

 

So yea, they sat with us and we ended up hanging out with them until after Panera was closed. They were such a cool couple. He's a musician and she's an artist. It's always nice making new friends.

 

The other night when I went out with my co workers... Boy did I get an earful about Adam. He was trying to date this girl at work named Jenna before we ever even opened up our marriage. When I started working there it was within a week that he was suddenly wanting an open marriage. Now I know why, because he new with me working there I would find out about him chasing after Jenna. But... here's a twist, Jenna is married and at the time she was 8 months pregnant. They were telling me he was acting all creepy and stalkerish and getting pissed off that she wasn't reciprocating his attention. I guess he sent her flowers and everything (the whole time we were together he never sent me flowers, lol...)

 

Oddly enough, Jenna has always been pretty rude to me. She knew I was his wife, so I don't understand why she was always rude to me. She always gave me dirty looks when I went into the office to use the copy machine. And one of the few times her and I actually spoke she was pretty short and acted all annoyed. I wonder if he tried to hole "my wife thinks your hot and wants you to have a threesome with us" routine on her like he did on Ashley. Because he was trying to date Ashley too, and she was also rude to me all the time. And he said that to her.

 

He also tried to get them both involved in his "company." I remember him telling me that Jenna was going to work for us as a PR person, even though she had no PR experience and a newborn baby to take care of. He was also trying to get Ashley to work for him too. He's a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen... I know Taylor went to HR and complained about him.

 

They also told me what a sob story he was feeding everyone at work about me. About how all I want to do is drink and do drugs. (I've passed three drug tests since being hired there, one was a random.) And he complained a lot about me going to Europe. He told all these people at work that all I care about is myself, and that instead of going to Europe I should be using the money I saved up to get his license reinstated and buy him a car. He lost his license because he broke the law (multiple times.) His Jeep got repossessed because he didn't make payments on it. This is the Jeep he bought right before quitting his job, smart move... Why is it my responsibility to buy him a car and get his license reinstated for him? When he had a car he would rarely give me rides anywhere. There were a few times when he sat on the couch watching TV while the Jeep was gassed up in the driveway and I had to walk to work in the rain. His reason: "You're a big girl and taking you to work isn't my responsibility."

 

The people I work with that I was out with the other night didn't even think that was right. I don't see how anyone could really... Oh I lost my license and got my Jeep repo'd, and my wife has been saving up for years to go on this trip, but I think she should use all the money she saved to buy me a car and pay my reinstatement fees. Who in the hell would go for that? I hope Jackie has a lot of patience and a lot of money... And I really hope she doesn't have teenage daughters because if she does they're about to get creeped on.

 

So now, I think I will text Nick and see if he wants to reschedule. This should be interesting.

[Cynder]

I'm feeling so depressed the last couple days. And I know exactly what it is... a bad attack of PMS. I don't get all pissy and snippy with people during that time of the month like a lot of women do. I get really sad. There are months when I am practically praying to start bleeding just so I can stop crying.

 

Right now I feel so disgusting and ugly because of my skin... And also, due to the weather and other practical matters, I haven't worked out in like ten days. I won't walk any significant distance if it's under 25 degrees out. It's almost 3 miles to the gym. Lately it's been under 25 degrees a lot. So, finding a ride there and then finding a ride home... which usually has to be a taxi, and the cab fair adds up.

 

And last week I couldn't bathe or work out for most of the week. My skin couldn't get wet because of medical testing I was having done. So, ok, I had a medical excuse to not work out for a chunk of the time I haven't... but the last couple days there has been no excuse other then not wanting to walk in the freezing wather and not wanting to spend the cab fair getting there and back. I have a film shoot this weekend and I need to pay my crew gas money and buy them all dinner. I can't be throwing money around right now.

 

But... I feel like a fat ugly cow. Anyone reading this who works out knows what I'm talking about. YOu may look and weight the sae... but if you go a while without working out you feel different.

 

And then tonight I was on facebook clicking around. Aaron has this friend who's a photographer. I was looking at her professional pics on facebook. And who pops up... Aaron's drop dead gorgeous ex. Apparently his friend took some pics of her once upon a time.

 

I've always felt ugly. I've always been told I'm ugly (even by my parents and my ex husband.) And his ex makes me a little un-nerved anyway. I've literally had nightmares about running into this woman. She scares me. So, with other contributing factors of feeling ugly lately, then I see that. Now I just want to cry... again.

 

I think I might just block her on facebook. But that wouldn't prevent this from happening again, since blocking someone doesn't block pics they are tagged in. I guess I could just block her and then not look at any pics posted by his friends any more. I feel like kind of a creeper doing that anyway.

[Cynder]

Well, even though I haven't worked out in ten days, I have watched what I eat over that time. So I've managed to lose weight, which is nice.

 

Still all weepy and emotional though. I'm glad Aaron isn't here because I wouldn't want him to see me like this. My episodes of really awful PMS only happen a few times a year, thank Gods.

 

My skin is looking better... I took my test results into HR yesterday. I guess they need to have a meeting to decide what to do with me. I realize that I may lose my job over this. If I do, unemployment is a sure thing. I will start job hunting in the city where Aaron lives.

[Huntress0527]

Jumping in here hope you don't mind!

 

Are you able to workout at home instead of belonging to a gym? If finding a ride is difficult that may be an option. I actually enjoyed working out at home and still try to when I can.

 

It's very sad that people have called you ugly! You are unique and special. Don't feel insecure about the ex. Who's he with? YOU not her.

[Cynder]

Jumping in here hope you don't mind!

 

Are you able to workout at home instead of belonging to a gym? If finding a ride is difficult that may be an option. I actually enjoyed working out at home and still try to when I can.

 

It's very sad that people have called you ugly! You are unique and special. Don't feel insecure about the ex. Who's he with? YOU not her.

 

I don't mind at all. I wish more people who read this thread would reply once in a while... without any replies I feel like I'm just talking to hear myself talk. Thank you for the kind words.

 

Unfortunately when I was a kid I was told I was ugly a lot by my parents. When you're a kid you are naive and pretty much accept everything mommy and daddy say as the truth. And my parents referred to me as the ugly daughter. My sister was always the pretty one. I remember being with my Dad somewhere and he was talking to someone he knew from work. He pulled out his wallet and started showing this guy pics of my sister and talking about how beautiful she is. Then he flipped over to a pic of me and said, "This one going in the basement to scare the rats away."

 

Wow... then they acted all surprised when I got to be a teenager and automatically saw myself as unattractive. I knew I was not good looking at all, so I focused energy on being different rather then being pretty. I had pink hair my junior year in high school and wore dark makeup and all black clothes, etc. And that just got me in trouble at school. (This is all so abreviated... it's a longer story then this, believe me...) Meh... I could write a friggin' novel about the hell that was my teen years.)

 

My first serious relationship was with a guy who didn't like how I looked at all. His main thing was how I dressed. He wanted me to show a lot of skin and I'm not comfortable with that. I mean, he thought I should be walking around in booty shorts and a halter top all the time. I told him I would dress like that for him at home but not go out that way. He also wanted me to wear a lot ore makeup then I liked and was fond of the big teased 80s hair. (He was also older then I was too, I think that had something to do with it...) Then I went on birth control and gained a little weight and he became a real douchebag. He tried to tell me I could only eat for the first hour I was awake every day and wasn't "allowed" to eat for the rest of the day. I didn't follow that rule at all, screw that. I won't starve to make him happy. But of course that just gave him something else to complain about.

 

My ex husband was a huge perfectionist when it came to the women in his life. If he spent half the time on himself he spent trying to change others he would be quite a guy... but he isn't. I was with him almost ten years and he was never happy with how I looked either. I have red hair, for example... and he told me in the beginning that he loves red hair. But, he hated my red hair because it's naturally curly and he only likes straight hair. I have really light brown eyes, they are almost golden around the pupils... and he told me once that he hates brown eyes, especially light brown ones like mine. After this a few times I started to wonder why he was even with me at all. He put a lot of emphasis on looks and I clearly didn't have what he wanted. I was a size 14 when I met him and he complained about how he wanted me to be thinner. So I went down to a size 8, and then he started making on heavier girls and complaining that I don't look that good now because I lost my boobs and my ass. He would tell me that because he's in a band he can get chicks who are way hotter. I asked him why he didn't then, and he couldn't really answer me. Douchebag...

 

Part of me knows I am attractive on some level. I've done both alt and fetish modeling. But when I look in the mirror I just don't see anything about myself that is pretty. And now that I have this skin problem I'm dealing with it's just worse. It's healing now, but the doctor says there's a good possibility I will have scars.

 

And my boyfriend is really attractive... His ex was also really attractive. He likes full figured alt type chicks, which she wasn't. She was really preppy looking and very petite. He talks about their relationship and tells me stuff that conflicts each other. He told me he was considering proposing to her, but then told me the relationship was so bad she made him cry a few times... then turns around and tells me they NEVER fought. And he volunteered this info, I didn't coax it out of him.

 

Idk... I guess this is the price for having such open lines of communication. We started out right off the bat telling each other pretty much everything. He told me once that he felt weird talking to me about her but he also was curious about my exes, so...

 

There are times when I think he could have not mentioned her. But I also don't know how to say I am done wanting to hear about her without sounding like a jealous, possessive B----. It's not like he talks about her all the time... but when he comes over for the weekend, I am guaranteed to hear about her at least once during that weekend.

 

And she is still part of his whole circle of friends. He hasn't talked to her since they broke up. But I am worried that one day maybe he will take me to some social thing with some of his friends and she will show up. She, all young and hot and society's perfect idea of womanhood... and me, quite a bit older, chunky, with crazy hair and tatts, and scars on my skin on top of that...

 

The people he hangs out with are like that cast of friends. They are all drop dead gorgeous 20-somethings with good educations, good jobs and come from good families. As for me... remember the group of weird people in high school? That's who I hang out with. My friends are a more alternative crowd... I hang out with mostly gothy metalheads and hippies. I wouldn't have it any other way. And he likes all my friends, they like him also.

 

His friends don't like artsy people. I have an art degree and do a lot with it... but I still have to work a regular job which would probably make me look like even more a loser to them.

 

I know I am rambling... I'm basically just typing this all in stream of consciousness and I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. just feeling sorry for myself and mauling over other people's percieved place above me in society. Idk, I doubt you were counting on this meaty a reply when you posted, lol. Sorry...

[Huntress0527]

Hey that's alright it feels good to let it out. I know we remember the bad things people tell us. I remember when I was at a 7th grade dance and a boy just came up to me and said, "You know what? You're ugly." (I mean who just does that unless you're an insignificant speck) I replied, " You're not so hot yourself." He walked away. Even then I had confidence but it still makes you question- Am I really ugly? I was always a little overweight until recently (putting it back on now that I'm preggers) and it never really stopped me from attracting all sorts of guys from down to earth good guys to gorgeous ones. I can safely say my husband is both

 

What your parents did was heinous and they were very wrong for saying those things about you. Have you brought this up to them when you gotten older? No child should feel like their parents think they are ugly. You are a product of them so guess what if they think you're ugly then they are too.

 

Looks can only take you so far but it's the substance on the inside that really counts in the end when it comes down to meaningful relationships and just being an overall decent human being. What you look like on the outside fades in time. You have to own who you are and know that you're awesome. At least, that is how I think about myself.

[Cynder]

Filming tomorrow... not near as stressed this time. I know for sure Nick is coming. Got my scene breakdowns done and out to everyone. Camera is charged. Shot for shot notes and storyboards are done... I'm on cruise control now.

[Cynder]

Alright well... Just when I thought it was a sure thing today, shoot had to be canceled.

[Cynder]

This morning I was really bummed about the shoot getting canceled, so I went back to bed for a couple hours.

 

I had a pretty interesting dream.

 

I dreamt that I was on my way to the airport with my Mom and siblings and we were going on vacation. We were going somewhere out west... My Mom lead me to a lounge area and told me to sit and wait while they went and did something. Well, in short they left without me.

 

I took a taxi home and when I got home I was talking to my Mom on the phone. She told me they were in Mesa Arizona. Arizona has no significance to me, and I've never heard of Mesa, but a google search just revealed it actually exists. I asked why they left without me. She said they just didn't have a ticket for me. I asked why they made me think I was coming with them then... She didn't really have an answer for that.

 

My Mom and siblings have taken vacations together in the past and I am never invited. That's fine though... the last tie I went on vacation with them I wasn't actually supposed to go. I only ended up going because someone backed out and they didn't want a ticket to go to waste. They made me feel like an outsider the whole time and I was miserable. This was like 12 years ago.

 

But anyway, I told her that was kind of a sh** move on her part to make me think I was taking this trip, take time off from work, pack, and everything, just for them to leave me behind. She said that I've done enough traveling, because I've been to Europe. I said now I can use the money I save by not going on this trip to go back to Europe. She told me to go and not come back because maybe I belong there.

 

So, I went back to my apartment to find it gutted. Even the carpet was ripped up. What was left of my stuff was in a pile in the middle of the living room. All the lightbulbs were taken and everything. It kind of looked like my old place (the place I shared with Adam) right before I moved out.

 

And... for whatever reason, now I had a baby with me. The baby's name was Aiden. I don't know where he came from. I do know he wasn't mine but I was taking care of him. So, here I am, in my gutted apartment with a baby.

 

I was leaving to go somewhere (I think to get lightbulbs because it was getting dark out. I didn't have a stroller or a car seat or anything to carry the baby in, so I had to just carry him in my arms. I went outside... and the house next door was gone, in fact, everything was gone. My house was just surrounded by woods. No street, not sidewalk, etc. And these three mean looking guys who looked like African bushman came walking toward me. It seemed like they were going to take the baby. I didn't know what to do. I just froze. Then this woman who was dressed in regular modern clothes and spoke perfect English told them to leave me and the baby alone because they had other things to do. It seemed like she was their guide of some sort.

 

So, I went back inside.

 

Then... I'm at the airport getting ready to fly to Norway. I don't have the baby anymore. There is no one there with me.

 

I got to Norway and didn't have much on me. I only had one small bag. I had the sense that I was there permanently. I felt like this was it and I was never coming back home.

 

I was walking up Karl Johan and decided to go into the Rock In and have a beer. My friend Ninnette was standing outside and She came up to me and hugged and kissed me. It seemed like she knew I was coming and also I was apparently going to be staying with her until I found a place.

 

Inside the Rock In they gave me a few thousand Nok. The bar tender told me they collected it to help me get started and they know it isn't much but they know I need it.

 

Then I was awoken by my phone. One of my crew didn't get the message that the shoot was canceled and he drove here. At least it was someone who lives only ten minutes away and not one of my Cleveland guys.

 

Interesting symbolism there... My family being all mean. Most of what I own disappearing and then somehow having this baby to take care of. Them flying halfway around the world and being treated like I am somewhere I belong. It's true I didn't feel like an outside in Norway and I have always felt like one here.

 

***

 

Aaron isn't here yet. This last week I have missed him so much. He was supposed to go have a key made today for his car. It's a special key that costs $50. The place he had to go to closes at 2. He was supposed to have the key made and then come over. But I'm guessing that's not happening since he is still asleep. The key place is closed and he probably won't be up until like 8 tonight at get here around midnight. I hate that his sleep schedule interferes with things like this at times. He said he wanted to come over last night but didn't because he had to have that key made. Now our time has been cut short and he didn't even have the key made.

 

All this week I've been having these bad feelings like something is wrong that he isn't telling me. Idk... of all the common sense warning signs of trouble, he displays none. But that has never meant anything in the past. I had one ex tell me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me... then nine days later dump me for another woman and do it via FACEBOOK. Not even a private chat either... on a flippinn' wall post.

 

So many people have treated me bad that being treated good is all new territory. It scares me, to be honest. I don't know how to handle it. This relationship has probably caused me more anxiety then most of the relationships I've been in with assklowns. I know I have more to lose this time. With someone bad, I can at least tell myself I was better off when they jump ship. But with someone good, I can't tell myself that. I can only tell myself it was me who was the bad one.

 

I don't know if I should talk to him about how I feel. Talking about emotional things makes him really uncomfortable. He doesn't show emotion and doesn't like it when other people do either. If I start crying he's just going to get all uneasy and want to change the subject. This is partly why we talk about more heavy subjects in texts. As unhealthy as that seems to so many people, it works for us. Because I can better articulate what I'm trying to say in a text rather then just getting all weepy and blubbering on and on sobbing, and he can actually concentrate on what I'm saying rather then just being uncomfortable because I'm upset.

 

I don't know if I should even talk to him about it at all though. He hasn't done anything wrong. I think it's a combo of things. I think it's that the honeymoon is over in this relationship for one... and the bad ties I've had in the past are creeping up on me and starting to make me uneasy. Like, OMG, I'm actually happy, when is something going to come along and screw it all up? Because something always does. It's the story of my life. Nothing is ever too good for too long.

 

And I really do love him... that just makes it even scarier.

[Cynder]

So, I've gone from ticked off, to sad and missing my love... to ticked off again... at my love.

 

He really needs to do something about this sleep situation.

 

He was supposed to be here around three-ish. Now it's after 7 and I just now got a text from him saying he just now woke up. Can't he set an alarm? Idk... when I have plans with someone I would make sure I was up in time to keep them.

 

I am not sure how to tell him this bugs me. He slept most of the day away on my birthday... He has been four hours late for work before (before he worked for himself) because he was asleep. Idk... it just doesn't seem right.

 

And he told me in a text that he read my text that the shoot was canceled and then just fell back asleep. That hurts too.

 

I don't know how to bring this up without sounding nasty...

 

I was planning on wearing something really sexy for him today when he got here. But now I don't even want to. Why should I get all dolled up and give him sex as soon as he comes in the door when he couldn't even be here when he said he was going to? But then I feel like I'm just playing head games.

 

I have a right to be treated with respect...

[Cynder]

Aaron did finally make it over last night and we talked about things. It started out as a kind of joking text. He was saying his Mom took the car and went and had the key made and stuff. And he said he was going to stay till Tuesday. I told him I was starting to think he didn't like me anymore. He asked me why. I said, "Because you come over later and later every weekend."

 

He texted back and said, "It's mainly because of the shift change and my weird sleep schedule lately." I started to text him back, but before I could even type it he called me. And this is significant, because he never calls me. The whole time we've been dating whaveae talked on the phone maybe three times. He's not a phone person and neither am I really.

 

But he called me and told me he was on his way and he was going to stop and pick up some beer on the way. He asked me if there was anything else I wanted while he was on his way down. I told him nothing I could think of. He asked if I wanted to go out to dinner when he got there. I told him yea, we can do that.

 

So he came over. I was watching a movie when he got here. We watched the rest of the movie and then went out and ate. We got back here and stayed up all night talking and watching youtube videos. It's been a long time since I've stayed up all night talking with anyone. It was nice.

 

And then when we finally went to bed, at 6am, we laid in bed for a long time and just made out and cuddled before falling asleep. I think any doubt I had before seeing him yesterday is gone as of now. I was irritated that he showed up so late. But I think he got the hint and was genuinely concerned about making it right.

[Cynder]

Apparently Adam's mother is convinced I did this to him. Of course his threat of suicide is all my fault even though we've been split up for how long now and we haven't even spoken in months. Of course it's all my fault. She can't accept that her perfect little darling could have some problems. I'm sure his issues have nothing to do with the fact that she couldn't keep a husband when he was growing up and he had a new father figure in his life every three years. When he was 12/13 he was sent to live with his former step dad and his new wife who adopted him. When he was 16/17 they freaked out when they caught him dressing up in his adopted Mom's clothes. He also told me once that he plotted to kill his adopted mother but never went through with it. He told me this when we were about to split up. I don't know if he said it to intimidate me or what...

 

But, if his Mom needs to tell herself it's all my fault to feel better that's fine. I haven't seen her in like 5 years. It's not like I have to deal with her personally. I only know this because she was in the bar where my sister works running her mouth.

 

I haven't heard anything new from Jackie. Her and I keep missing each other at work. She works the shift after me and I haven't seen her the last couple nights.

[Cynder]

So... Adam spent a day and a half in the hospital and came home. So, it's pretty obvious he was crying wolf. Nothing was accomplished, other then a waste of police and hospital time and tax payer money. Now all he has is a huge hospital bill. He has no insurance since he quit/was fired from his job. That's just another bill he won't pay. I was telling Aaron the other day that I will probably start getting calls from the hospital wanting their money. That's what he does... When bill collectors start calling he will give them other people's phone numbers. Shanon has even been getting calls from bill collectors looking for him.

 

Jackie wanted to take me out to lunch this weekend. I didn't here from her though. It doesn't matter either way. It's nice getting some closure. But at the same time I've already moved on. I think she is looking from more from me then I am from her. So it's her call.

 

My tattoo is so sore. I've never had one hurt like this afterwords. It's bruised too... But it looks badass. I can't wait to have it colored in.

 

I started saving again for Black Easter next year. It makes me sad that I missed it last year.

 

I'm doing Slow Carb this week... just to shake things up a little, and for the challenge.

[Cynder]

Wow... postsecret has a lot up this week that I can relate to...

 

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Kitty, even though I'm not a gay man, this one still made me think of you. You're nasty attitude and judgmental comments lately make me embarrassed to be like you.

 

Your recent post on facebook made me laugh so hard. Here you are telling everyone to be nice... but you are the meanest person I know.

 

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I've never sent in anything to this site. But I considered sending in this exact secret myself. It's not my ex husband I think about... if anyone is wondering.

 

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[Sanesoul]

Hey Cynder. Just popping in to say that I'm so glad you got out of your marriage. I know it was really hard on you. I'm sorry you are still having to deal with Adam. You are such a strong woman with such a good head on your shoulders.

[Cynder]

Hey Cynder. Just popping in to say that I'm so glad you got out of your marriage. I know it was really hard on you. I'm sorry you are still having to deal with Adam. You are such a strong woman with such a good head on your shoulders.

 

Aw, thank you.

[Cynder]

In an hour or so I will be filming. I'm so worked up... I have my shot for shot notes all written out, camera is all charged up everything is ready to go. But thee is such a huge knot in my stomach. I'm just so worried that something is going to go wrong. This is a more complex scene with 7 different camera angles and a lot of dialog with four different actors. I need to calm myself down... These are the days I wish pit was legal, lol.

[Cynder]

Last night I dreamed that Aaron and I suddenly became parents.

 

I didn't give birth in the dream. But we suddenly had this baby to take care of. I know she was ours, but the dream started up after she was born, right after leaving the hospital.

 

I had the feeling that we had no idea we were about to be parents. Women have babies without knowing they are pregnant more often then people think... This has happened to two women in my family, actually.

 

I think this is what happened in this case. I don't think I even knew I was pregnant.

 

We went to a friend's house and our friend loaned us a car seat. Then we went and bought diapers and formula. And then we went to buy her some clothes.

 

And she was so cute. She looked like both of us. She had his eyes and my hair color, and his nose and my mouth. We named her Tesla, which I wouldn't actually name a girl in reality. But I know a girl named Tesla, after Nikola Tesla.

 

It was so bizarre... Neither of us want kids. We have taken precautions to make sure this doesn't actually happen.

[BellaDonna]

Babies in dreams are said to symbolize innocence, warmth, and new beginnings.

 

If I had a dream like that, I'd probably still have to pee on a stick just to be sure. Lol