Why do you want children??

[lostnscared]

Yeah I didn't prepare myself mentally, or emotionally so I suspect that is why I feel the way I do. Because none of my preggo friends feel the way I do--they all are excited or just feeling blah about the whole thing. No one seems scared. My bf isn't scared either. I don't know I think for me, it's just the fact that being so young(24) I feel like I'm not ready for my life to change like I know it probably will...I miss drinking, going to clubs and bars, going on girls only weekend-vacations, and I'm going to miss my pre-pregnancy relationship with my bf, parents etc. I'm such a baby lol.

 

Yeah, well like I said the price differs. None of my friends will spend over $1000 on baby stuff, and that's THROUGHOUT the year(after the baby is born and before). They've got hand me-down clothes, stuff from parents and friends, baby shower stuff, and they buy things as they need them. For me I wanted to have a very nice nursery--and I bought nice furniture and am going all out. As shallow as it sounds, I want my children to have it all, and really wanted to have a lot of stuff already here and ready. For me doing things as I go can get more difficult once they get here and we have other things we have to worry about, where as getting MOST of the stuff I CAN get out of the way now is just easier. The babies will be sleeping in co-sleepers in our room the first 3 months, but their nursery is already set up so I don't have to worry about doing that while I'm taking care of the babies, and we're in the swing of things. I just don't want to be stressed out. To me trying to get things ONCE the babies are here, and I'm working on little sleep, and we're having to pay bills, etc will be more stressful than doing it now while I have no responsibilities, and we aren't having to pay for that much right now.

I don't know how you spent less than $300 lol. $300 is about the cost of a car-seat and stroller or something isn't it? Wow... The only things I can say I won't spend much on is going to be clothing and toys. Babies grow fast so I don't want to splurge on clothing, and they won't be playing with toys so soon--so I'm not worried about that. Like I said my budget is high, but I'm going all out. I didn't want to penny-pinch or be frugal about baby spending--but I realize not everyone has the same priorities as I do. My friends have really given me a hard time about the baby stuff, the house, etc--I just wanted things to be a certain way. But there is NOTHING wrong with used furniture, hand me downs, and paying as you go. Everyone is different.

[OptomisticGirl]

and the disparity on cost here kind of begs the question...what things does one really need anyway? granted that needs can be hugely speculative depending on the person.

 

ha!! back to desire again maybe.

 

Well, exactly. The basics a baby needs is clothes, blankets, diapers, diaper cream, wipes, formula (if not breast feeding or when you stop), bottles, nipples, a bath tub for when they are small, stuff for their bath.. think of your own needs and its kind of what a baby needs, just sometimes a few more. and yeah, all this small stuff adds up but it gets really pricey when you start adding in toys they may not play with to begin with (one thing I have learned in baby sitting is the kid doesn't want the $20 toy, he wants the box that it came in) or other things. I think people realistically looking at what a baby costs not just for the fist six months but for life directly ties in with their desire. As LS said, if she knew then what she knows now she wouldn't have had them - and therefore her desire wouldn't be there - whereas someone like me looks at the cost of babies and it doesn't waver one bit.

[lostnscared]

and the disparity on cost here kind of begs the question...what things does one really need anyway? granted that needs can be hugely speculative depending on the person.

 

ha!! back to desire again maybe.

 

Babies need a lot, but many of the stuff can be bought later on, or can be bought at low prices. There are plenty of hand-me-down stores, or people that give new mom's hand me down clothing. You can get baby stuff from places like Walmart(which is on the cheaper side). So I can see it very possible that one can get away with spending very little on baby stuff. But everybody is different. As I said I didn't want to be frugal or penny pinch, and I wanted to get everything brand new and from a store where my mom has always bought nice bedroom furniture(pottery barn). But MOST people that I know are not spending a ton of money on baby stuff.--so I do want to make that clear... I don't know anyone who spent only $300 though, but certainly no one I know has spent what I have on furniture or plans to spend what I'm going to on other smaller items. But I DO still believe people underestimate the cost of taking care of a baby--while getting the basics isn't expensive, the long term care, the cost of diapers, and other items throughout the year--that DOES add up and CAN be expensive even for a regular middle income couple.

[lostnscared]

Well the cost isn't the problem for me. If I couldn't afford to get these things, or didn't have the financial help to get what I have, I wouldn't be getting it. I know that we'll be comfortable financially, because my bf will have a good paying job, and we have a lot of help and have been given a lot. My desire changed once I started realizing that I'll have to sacrifice so much, and that my life is about to change drastically. A change to which, if I would have known more about, I probably would have waited longer to have children or bypassed it altogether. Being pregnant hasn't been a big deal. Some people look at pregnancy as an illness or as something that is very huge, but to me the biggest change I'm worried about is actually being a parent. The cost, the pregnancy, the material aspects(house, etc) aren't worries to me-it's the PARENTING that scares me.

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't think you are a baby LS - it's a natural repsonse from a 24 year old who although they wanted to be a mom, got pregnant when they didn't plan to. I'm sure my own 19 year old sister feels that even more because she never GOT that life, you know? I think that's why I react so bitterly to people who tell me 'oh, you don't want kids yet, you are young and you won't have freedom' - I don't go out drinking, I don't go to clubs, I don't just jet set out on a vacation - for me motherhood is perfect because I'm not your average 23 year old. But I think how you are feeling is well within reason.

 

And I can understand that to a degree. I want to a nursery theme with each kid and most people see that as something they don't need, which they don't but it's nice for their room to have a theme that they can change later in life. And since I'm a DIY person I won't spend $50 on a airplane lamp for our first boy's nursery - I can buy a $10 lamp and paint the blasted airplane on myself, lol

 

Not really, again it depends on what you get and were. My best friend spent $200 on her stroller BUT the only reason I would do that is it's the kind that went from putting the carseat directly on it from the car into a stroller that my niece at 2 can now use whereas if she had bought jsut a regular stroller, she would have needed to buy a 2nd one now. My nephew's car seat we got at walmart for $20, I think, and the bed he sleeps in at my mom's was our bed we (his mom, aunt, and uncle) slept in as a kid. I'm def going to be at a disadvantage since my mom can't ship me things to England but I'm one for saving and reusing baby stuff (as long as it's still deemed safe). I want one of those cribs that goes from a crib, to a playpen, to a fuition, to a bed. We may buy a crib with each kid but that 'crib' will stay with that child for many years as it gets use of a bed out of it.

[90_hour_sleep]

yes. definitely see your point. most people understimate what's involved in owning a home as well. another one of those things that you sometimes need to learn for yourself.

[OptomisticGirl]

yes. definitely see your point. most people understimate what's involved in owning a home as well. another one of those things that you sometimes need to learn for yourself.

 

this is why I refuse to own, lol. At least for the nest 20 to 30 years.

[lostnscared]

I almost think it would be easier if I hadn't gotten used to having a certain carefree lifestyle that I would've been ready for being a mother. For instance all the friends I have that did get pregnant earlier than they wanted to, got pregnant BEFORE they started drinking and clubbing, etc so they weren't accustomed to that. Or they got pregnant during college, or right after, etc. I got pregnant two years after graduating college, and spent those two years on my own, doing what I wanted, and JUST getting used to being on my own. If I could do it over again, I would wait three more years, just so I can travel more, and have some more wild nights lol. But many of things that I want to do, I STILL can do once I have kids(i.e. we're planning a family vacation--my mom sisters, me and the bf, the baby, my sister in law and her baby, next April to Florida)--it just isn't the same though. I can't explain it. But most of my friends that have the "I'm excited to be a mommy" perspective are like you--they don't go out very much, didn't drink, etc, some of them had never even lived on their own before, finished college(or started college, etc). So they don't see being a parent as "losing" their life.

 

Yep the reason my nursery is expensive is because I do have a theme--I'm actually hiring a college student to do a mural on the walls. It's going to be sooooo cute. But yeah I did go all out and not ashamed to admit it LOL.

I can be a DIY person at times, and i can be frugal at times as well. there are just certain things I wanted to splurge on. I can tell you that much--these babies will surely be VERY spoiled. My mom is buying a TON of stuff lol. She is so excited.

 

You bought a $20 carseat at walmart? Wow. See, I know a lot of people who are able to bend financially if they get stuff at walmart, or like the hand-me-down stores. I did set up a baby registry at walmart, and ironically saw some of the SAME items at babies r us but they were cheaper. I don't even want to say how much I spent on the cribs lol.

[lostnscared]

yes. definitely see your point. most people understimate what's involved in owning a home as well. another one of those things that you sometimes need to learn for yourself.

 

Yeah owning a home can be expensive... One thing I can say is that my parents talked to me a lot about the "extras" I'd need to have available each month when it came to my house--though the mortgage on my house is completely paid off(thank you daddy, lol)--so I'm not as nervous about the cost of the home, but the baby stuff--well we'll see.

[OptomisticGirl]

And I think that may be the biggest reason why you feel the way you do - at 23 I have gotten drunk with friends and I have went out with friends, tried the college thing, and lived on my own but for me, it wasn't what I wanted. Changing my niece's pooey diapers gave me more of a thrill than partying in Atlanta ever did, you know? But I think a lot of young women our age feel like you - they want kids but lead that certain lifestyle and BOOM - that lifestyle is drastically reduced for them. You really can't miss something if you never had it, you know?

 

It's one of thsoe things I think is nice to do, and something that cna stay there til the kids get old enough and goes 'ewwww, why did you put this in my room?" lol. I'm not doing a mural though, our first girl is yellow and purple with butterflies and the first boy is airplanes, both of which I can easily stencil on to the walls myself.

 

Yep. And we took it to the police station for them to check it out, make sure it was safe (because they will show you how to properly seatbelt it in here) and that one is currently in the back of my car for the little guy. the crib I have fallen in love with $130 I believe, but for someting that can double as a bed for at least 5-8 years, I'm willing to spend that with each child and just resuse the bassinet they sleep in for the first few months. I know someone who spent $300 on a chanigng table though. :s That to me is just ridiculous. That's what couches and floors are made for, hahaha

[lostnscared]

Yeah--I think I needed to wait a few more years. But I'm hoping I'll be able to somewhat resume some of the things I was doing pre-pregnancy. Just probably not as frequently. I know that my mom has said she'll babysit for us once every week, so that'll give me a night to go out and whatnot or for us to have a date night. How do you know your having a girl first? LOL. I am glad that I completed college, got to experience dorm life, lived on my own, and got to somewhat experience the party lifestyle BEFORE having children. In that way I don't feel as though I've missed out on too much, BUT I just feel like I needed a bit more time to mature more. On the other hand, I know having children doesn't mean your life is over, so again I'm really hoping that I'll still be able to enjoy SOME of the social activities I did beforehand.

 

Well as long as the carseat is safe that is all that matters. I haven't gotten carseats yet, but did put that on the baby registry. Most of the ones I liked were under $200==about $179 or $169 which wasn't too bad to me. Same thing with strollers--I found a stroller that was about $169 but it converts and is cute. I did buy a changing table LOL--so i can't say much about that. But the changing table was less than $300. Only reason I did that is because I don't want dirty diapers being changed on the bed or couch.

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't, lol. But I already have the nursery themes picked out for our first girl and boy. I honestly would rather have a boy first, which shocks me because I always wanted a girl but I would love to have a little boy first.

 

That's why they invented those changing pads you can use, lol.

[anya1607307555]

I never got the hang of changing mats. No matter what age, I find it far easier on my lap.

[Batya33]

and the disparity on cost here kind of begs the question...what things does one really need anyway? granted that needs can be hugely speculative depending on the person.

 

ha!! back to desire again maybe.

 

I didn't have or want a baby shower. We got many gifts and hand me downs though (and we still do,especially hand me downs). For us several of the costs were hidden or unpredictable and of course there's the need v. want debate - all a matter of perspective but for example, it costs money to get more sleep when the baby is getting up every few hours. For example, if you can afford to send laundry out, afford to have someone help with cleaning (I didn't want anyone but immediate family touching the baby when he was a newborn, for reasons tangential to this thread, nor did I want others caring for him), afford to do take out meals so you save time, etc etc. And not only sleep -you're so busy feeding every few hours around the clock, changing diapers, getting accustomed to the new routine, doctors' appointments - that if you do value sleep time (let alone "free" time) then you might choose to pay others or buy things that will save you time. Our take out meals were basically sandwiches and the like -because lots of the food needs to be "one-handed" if for example you are pumping.

 

So even forgetting about things that many of us view as luxuries -those cute, one time only, complicated outfits, the wipe warmers, fancy furniture, baby carriage - there are lots of costs if you want to save time. And then there are the number of articles of clothing that get destroyed (or nearly so- depends on how badly you want to wash out various malodorous substances out of a $2 onesie for example), the extra diapers, and if your child has sensitive skin, the expensive detergents, lotions ,etc.

 

I was like lost n scared as far as "why" I wanted children. While the reality of it is different in several ways from what I imagined - it is mostly better than I ever imagined and more fulfilling/rewarding than I ever imagined, especially since I had a child after 15 years of an intense career and over 20 years of working and going to school. It's possible I would have felt that this lifestyle was too routine, for example. It is routine but that's not an issue for me and often is part of the positive side (otherwise it's neutral). It's possible that if I had had children before I went for and worked at my dream career I might have had some nagging doubts/regrets (and if I had married the guy I was engaged to at the time that would have had its own major stresses!).

 

Sometimes I think parents can't win when it comes to how much they choose to spend on a newborn - if there's no changing table (we don't have one) then there's the "oh isn't the floor kind of cold -he's right near the floor" or "what -you didn't buy an infant swing? that's the only way we got sleep!" (we didn't buy one). And then of course the choice to decline certain hand me downs because they're no longer safe for the baby to use and to buy new instead.

 

So, yes, need v. desire. I will never regret the $30 I spent on his "take me home" outfit that the nurse in the hospital helped us dress him in. He probably wore parts of it ten times or so but not all parts. I probably spent $15 more than I needed to. But, yes, I desired a special outfit that he would wear home from the hospital, I got all emotional when I picked it out, and it likely will not end up being handed down. Maybe it's all about being confident in and comfortable with the things you "desire" but don't technically "need" and to have a thick enough skin to withstand the often silly judgments from others.

[OptomisticGirl]

I def think somethings shouldn't be hand me downs - my mom still has my first swimsuit, this little one piece blue with white poka dota and a little frill on the back - she's always had the object to give it to me to pass on to my kids, I think stuff like that is important. I think she even still has my take home outfit.

[90_hour_sleep]

I def think somethings shouldn't be hand me downs - my mom still has my first swimsuit, this little one piece blue with white poka dota and a little frill on the back - she's always had the object to give it to me to pass on to my kids, I think stuff like that is important. I think she even still has my take home outfit.

 

any particular reason you find that sort of thing important, OG?

[OptomisticGirl]

any particular reason you find that sort of thing important, OG?

 

 

I'm a very sentimental person, and I keep almost everyting someone has given me - I have a box of nothing but letters from girlfriends in high school and tid bits. My mom is the same way so I know a lot of my stuff she kept - my first blanket, my first swimsuit, my baby rattler. So I guess for me the sentimental stuff is important rather than all the material stuff.

[Batya33]

I'm a very sentimental person, and I keep almost everyting someone has given me - I have a box of nothing but letters from girlfriends in high school and tid bits. My mom is the same way so I know a lot of my stuff she kept - my first blanket, my first swimsuit, my baby rattler. So I guess for me the sentimental stuff is important rather than all the material stuff.

 

I agree! And of course I have little plastic bags of his hair/curls I've trimmed over the last 2 years!

[tiredofvampires]

While this is definitely a tangent, and so I don't want to belabor it in any way, I'd just like to say that I take exception to the statement, "I don't believe in morning sickness" and that it's about mind over matter. This sounds eerily close to Tom Cruise asserting that postpartum depression does not exist and is a mental/psychiatric fabrication. These are hardcore biochemical responses to pregnancy. Morning sickness -- while not fully understood -- is attributed to many physiological changes that take place, especially the 100-fold increase in estrogen and hCG that occur in the first trimester. There are other hormonal triggers that affect smell and the digestive tract that are believe to be responsible. Three-quarters of pregnant women experience these symptoms regardless of a woman's view of her pregnancy. My mom had intense morning sickness throughout each of 3 pregnancies, and she had no qualms about having children -- she wanted them. That's pretty normal. Most women experience a lessening of this after the first trimester, but every woman's pregnancy is different, and I think it's a real leap to project your own experiences of pregnancy onto another woman and draw conclusions, especially not knowing the psychological makeup of another person.

 

So leaving that thread-derailing aside (sorry OP!), I would just say that since pregnancy is so unpredictable, I think that's the part that scares me when I think about it.

 

But, if it helps even one iota - the discomfort, the responsibility of growing a baby inside of you, the restrictions and the constant running to doctors (because over 40 I was high risk and you would be too) was blip on the radar compared to the lovely physical and emotional feelings that went with it. Yes, I know many women who had miserable pregnancies despite wanting to be pregnant very much so I know I was lucky but a complication free (or just minor issues) pregnancy didn't feel like you described, physically or emotionally. Just figured if that helps at all in your decision making process I'll take a stab at it because I know you'd make a wonderful mother!

 

Thank you for the kind and encouraging words. I really appreciate it.

 

I do think I'd face this fear if Mr. Right were to show up today, and it wouldn't be a determining factor. Though even within the last 2 years, I've felt afraid that I could not make it through a pregnancy with the fragile health that I have. But it's hard to put myself in that situation, because I think if I knew I had a gem of a man who would stick by me, and we were of like minds, and I knew he could handle the rigors as much as I...I think the healing of that and knowing it was finally happening would give my body a surge of power that right now I'm not feeling. I do believe in a mind-body connection. And doctors have told me that pregnancy sometimes improves my condition, even at this age. But it's scary, and sometimes I think even if it were to all be possible T O D A Y, from a practical, "realistic" standpoint I would question if it was the right thing to do, considering the medically high-maintenance things that could come up. I don't know how much even the last 5 years have aged me beyond the point that it'd be sensible (my sister for one thinks I should absolutely call it quits now, and so I've stopped telling her that I haven't yet closed the door...though I feel this is more denial than anything, if I'm honest with myself. I'm not the type of person who typically goes into denial as a defense mechanism, but in this matter, I consciously choose to, until the clock actually stops.) Just a reflection, and again, my apologies for another tangent.

 

I think the only time I ever questioned my motives for having children involved my examining how I felt about my own upbringing (to return to a subject a few pages ago.) My parents not only fought, but I was physically and emotionally abused in an extreme way. And one thought has prevailed throughout my adult life: "When I have kids, I'm going to do things the way they should have been done. I'd never do those things to my children. I want to see the generational shift heal this wound." So I've had to examine to what extent this was a driving force in my wanting children -- that I felt the desire to parent the way I should have been parented. But I've realized that this is a peripheral desire riding alongside my genuine love of children and the desire to have them. It's only reasonable that I should hope to parent them differently, but it's not THE REASON I'd have them. I think it's interesting that on this thread, women who were abused want children very much (and I think will make excellent mothers), and women who had challenging upbringings/abuse also don't want to be "tied down." Conversely, there are women who had good childhoods who want kids, and women who had good childhoods who don't want to be "tied down." So this would suggest that wanting children and how you were raised are poorly correlated, if at all.

 

My very honest personal feeling is that some people are just less (or more) "cut out" to want parenthood. Things in their environment can shape that and influence it, but from everything I've personally experienced as well as experienced as second-hand accounts and innumerable observations, people more or less will follow their innate inclination over time. I think that being in one's 20's (certainly teens) in this day and age can be confusing in terms of where one stands on this. There are a lot of conflicting cultural influences that blur one's personal desires and goals at this age. And, those desires and goals are more in flux during this time as well. As a woman matures in her life though, I think this is like a well of muddy waters running clearer and clearer, coming into focus. So it's different to ask a woman (this could apply to men, too) in her early 20's how she feels about having kids, vs. one in her 30's. The playing field has changed radically in that decade. If she hasn't had children yet by her 30's but has the sense she wants them, the reasons why she'd want them have become much more crystallized than in her 20's, so you'd get a different sort of answer. They haven't so much changed their mind or reasons as formulated a much more clear, focused vision of what they've always wanted.

 

On the other end of the spectrum, my observation is that women around my age bracket and in their 30's who are asking, "Why do I want children?" with uncertainty, for the most part end up deciding not to have them. That is not a judgment either way. But if you are still intellectualizing the desire for children and groping for something that might ring a bell within you, chances are the "pull" just isn't strong enough to make it happen. I have an aunt who is childless (or child free, however you wish to put it) and I was somehow given to believe (from statements in my family) that she had really wanted children but it passed her by (she is in an LTR of 20 years+, though.) I wanted to ask her how she got "over" not having had children, when she'd wanted them, as she's very happy and thriving now. I wanted to know there was hope for me to overcome the grief if I never do have them. She told me that she examined her reasons and realized that she liked the "idea" of having children more than what the reality probably was. She said this was in her 30's, when she was feeling quite a lot of angst and confusion about the matter. She did a lot of soul-searching and came to this conclusion and said to me, "I give birth to my art! Your art works will be your children!" (since she's in the creative arts, as I am).

 

When she said that, I knew right there that something was critically different between her and me. When she said that, I felt my heart sink. And I thought, "No. No. No, they won't. My art works could never be my 'children'." I've "tried on" her notion, and it's never "taken." No. My artworks are a process of creation, yes...but it's still all an extension of myself. And I don't see children as an extension of myself -- they become their own entities, and THAT is what I want to be witness to, as being a mother. (Of course, there are a lot of art theoreticians who would argue loftily about the "life" that creative works take on, but I won't even go there, haha.)

 

I have asked myself before "why do I want children?" and it never felt like there was any real conflict in my mind about whether I wanted them or not. It was more an exercise in enumerating the ways. I've never felt that my head was telling me things that didn't reverberate loudly within my heart simultaneously. I've never felt my head to be at odds with my instinctual drives. And that's how we were different.

 

And that scenario has played out again and again, as I've talked to other women (and seen threads even here) of women coming to face their biological clock late in the game. I think tentatively, I believe that there are 3 broad categories of parents (I include men) that this breaks down into: those that unwaveringly really know they want it and they're built for it; those that really don't want it and aren't built for it (and they may or may not have children, even so); and those that are unaware of their desires (or the extent of them) and then get pregnant, have a child, and along with that, have an epiphany about how important it was for them.

 

I was very recently out on a long walk and encountered a parade. A huge city parade lining one of the biggest boulevards near where I live. I wondered why I was so out-of-it that I hadn't realized this event was happening today. But as I got closer to the epicenter, surrounded by families and strollers and children as I navigated the sidewalks...when I got there it struck me how much parades are not things you go to unless you're rooting for friends marching in it, or you have a family. I was surrounded by children and the excitement I remembered as a child seeing the parade about to start marching. I had a vision of bending down to my child and pointing out all the colorful costumes and talking about the horses. And at that instant it felt as though someone had shot me in the heart, only if I'd actually been shot in the heart it would have been far more merciful, because I wouldn't have had to stagger home half-blind with tears and carry on.

 

So that sounded more like a journal entry, sleepy....I'm sorry to run off at the mouth about that here and feel a little presumptuous for being so extensive with this self-reflective post, but I just wanted to pose that as the most graphic portrait (and experience) possible of "knowing I want something" without a single intellectual query, or cerebral examination left to turn over as a stone.

 

Pure knowing.

[OptomisticGirl]

I would just say that since pregnancy is so unpredictable, I think that's the part that scares me when I think about it.

.

 

Me too. It's the single most dangerous thing a woman can knowingly do in her life. But when I look at my nephew - who upon me walking into the house from work once again face planted the floor because he was in such a hurry to get to me and is now curently sat in my lap leaning back onto me as I type this - I know that fear of the unknown will be eased when I have my own children in my arms.

[tiredofvampires]

And I think I'll just add one final thing, as a companion to the above -- that for women, the 20's are a decade where you can decide why you want children, and whether you do.

 

While the 30's is a decade where you must decide.

 

So this being such a game-changer, the convictions one has about having children become less questionable as a woman grows older. Men have a much wider latitude to see how things "play out," so the questions about "why do I want this, do I want this?" can afford to be ambiguous longer.

[tiredofvampires]

Me too. It's the single most dangerous thing a woman can knowingly do in her life. But when I look at my nephew - who upon me walking into the house from work once again face planted the floor because he was in such a hurry to get to me and is now curently sat in my lap leaning back onto me as I type this - I know that fear of the unknown will be eased when I have my own children in my arms.

 

I think the comfort here is that modern medicine is so sophisticated now, death in childbirth is EXTREMELY rare.

 

I've never been worried about that so much as something going really wrong. My friend had an epidural with her first baby, and has had serious nerve pain (sciatica) since then (20 years). Having a chronic pain condition already, the idea of a complication like this frightens the bejeezus out of me.

[ProtestTheHero]

It just is odd for me to see people talk about relationships they'll have with their kids when it's really hard to know that sort of thing. My mom's life goal was to be a mother, and she has never beaten me, abused me, or deprived me of anything -- but we are not close. At all.

[OptomisticGirl]

I think the comfort here is that modern medicine is so sophisticated now, death in childbirth is EXTREMELY rare.

 

I've never been worried about that so much as something going really wrong. My friend had an epidural with her first baby, and has had serious nerve pain (sciatica) since then (20 years). Having a chronic pain condition already, the idea of a complication like this frightens the bejeezus out of me.

 

I agree it is lowered, but it still happens. It doesn't even have to be IN the birthing process - I remember reading a story about a woman who had a baby and 3 days later stood up and a blood cut shifted and killed her. Even with modern medicine it's still extremely dangerous but rewarding process.

 

I have back pain myself - hurts when I bend down a lot or when I stay bent down a lot - but I know I def want an epidural. My pain tolerance is not high. lol

[OptomisticGirl]

It just is odd for me to see people talk about relationships they'll have with their kids when it's really hard to know that sort of thing. My mom's life goal was to be a mother, and she has never beaten me, abused me, or deprived me of anything -- but we are not close. At all.

 

Why do you think you guys aren't close?

 

it's always easy to talk about 'what if' and it's def different LIVING it but most parents go into it with the best of intentions.