DNA test

[BellaStranger]

Oh, and if my som grows up emotionally damaged by his alcoholic father... or worse, is set such a bad example by his father he follows his path, I will blame you guys!!!

[Seraphim]

????????......

[BellaStranger]

Well, I don't think there is any way of knowing at this stage whether having a bad father around or not knowing his father will be worse for him. Alcoholism is often a learned behaviour, because children of alcoholics are pre- disposed and then grow up around it and believe it is normal. That's his problem too- his mum also has a problem with alcohol! BUT my only way forward is to have this test, and once it's done he will be able to force me to let him see him...he'll have to pay through the CSA, so everything will be taken out of my hands unless I take him to court and somehow manage to convince them he's unfit! I remember we were at a BBQ a couple of weeks ago, and a friend of his was there with his 12 year old daughter- she kept drinking his wine whenever his back was turned- they both thought it was hilarious and poured her a glass of her own...my son spending time in the company of his father and his mates terrifies me...but I'll just have to maintain as much control as I can!

 

I was obviously being tongue in cheek about blaming you guys- that would hardly be possible!

[Seraphim]

Well yes, it is learned and yes, there is genetic predisposition too. My mother's father was an alcoholic albiet functional as he went to work every single day and never missed a day's work ever. The weekend though he was so drunk he barely knew who he was. He was a good man though for that fault. He loved his wife and kids and he provided them the very best living he could and made sure his kids went to private schools and paid for his grandchildren for many things. He was quiet and gentle. I remember him as a great man. Now my mother did not grow up to be an alcoholic. Her brother did.Just remember Bella your son can make a decision NOT to be an alcoholic if he wants to. If you are giving him a good example and he spends most of his time with you there is a big chance he will choose to be like you. If his visits are supervised he can not be drunk during the visits.

[OptomisticGirl]

As Victoria said, there may be a pre dispostion to it, but in the end your son makes that call if he becomes one or not. I was hit on as a child by my father- I have a predispotion to be violent but I CHOOSE not to be.

[reidqa]

Bella,

 

There is no issue here.

 

DNA test order online for the kit, its very fast.

The end game is paternity support order, which viods all previous ones and is official.

 

If indeed it is not his child, these posts is submissible in court of support as mother issue.

[Saffron_]

No, your right, if he didn't send it in then he didn't do anything wrong legally, he's just a scumbag! I'm going to point his 'offence' out to him though... 3 years in prison? Might have him back peddaling pretty quickly!

 

I've made a plan of sorts- I'm going to wait and see his 'results' and I'm going to get my baby registered with my surname, without him on the birth certificate... then I am going to get another test done, a proper one, through proper channels, properly witnessed and done in the UK... if he is his father I'll get him to pay me through the CSA and he can have supervised visits (due to his drinking). If he really isn't then I'll probably have some sort of breakdown!

 

This bit's still confusing me. You're saying "if he is" and "if he isn't".

I suppose you have no option right now but to register your sons birth without him named because a child has to be registered within a certain amount of time and if he's denying paternity, he wont allow his name to be put down anyways. Considering your sons age, visitation will probably be supervised anyways. Hopefully!

 

Yeah I thought it was an offence to take a paternity test without your consent! That's bang out of order! If he had doubts he could have asked you for a test or requested a court obtained one. I fully agree to your son having your surname. Just in practical terms it makes more sense since you'll be doing the bulk of the childcare and be responsible for registering your son in nurseries, schools, with doctors etc.

 

Edit: Once a proper dna test has been done though, the birth certificate will have to be changed. But I assume you knew that anyways. Also, bear in mind that just because your ex is immature, irresponsible and he drinks too much, he's also very young. He might not always be this way. Some guys do grow out of being pigs!

[reidqa]

Saffron,

 

Lets take it another way.

 

He is dad: Hit him with suport to the hilt.

 

He is not dad: You release him without any strings whatsoever.

 

Win/win and lose/lose situation.

[Saffron_]

Saffron,

 

Lets take it another way.

 

He is dad: Hit him with suport to the hilt.

 

He is not dad: You release him without any strings whatsoever.

 

 

Reidqa, I think that's stating the obvious.

[reidqa]

Saffron,

 

100% correct in your statment.

 

However in today marketplace a woman will want to mainitain the relationship as a support leg. This however in the vast majority will not last.

 

My post meant she immeidately go's into a NC mode forever.

[BellaStranger]

I feel like I have to say if because I have to account for the possibility he's not lying, until I have proof that he is!

[reidqa]

Bella,

 

Now confused, you posting it may not be his??!!.

 

Now scratching my head here.

[FarthestEdge]

I feel like I have to say if because I have to account for the possibility he's not lying, until I have proof that he is!

 

Bella,

 

My husband had a vasectomy after our last child was born. Still, several months ago, I thought I might be pregnant. Never once did DH or I start 'wondering' if there was something I had maybe 'forgotten'

 

I think this is the point. The fact that you are being vague about 'if' shows that there is doubt in your mind. There's only one way there can be doubt in your mind...

 

And to be fair, if you got so drunk that it's even a possibility you slept with someone else and don't remember one bit of it, you might want to consider dropping some of those stones you are throwing at your ex for his 'drinking problems'.....Glass houses and all. being pregnant and giving birth forced you to grow up a bit and stop the drunken shenanigans..good for you that you did that. The fact that he hasn't maybe makes him a bad partner for someone with a small child, but not necessarily a worthless drunk.

 

Either way. If he IS the dad, it isn't up to YOU to determine if he is 'good enough' to have a presence in your childs' life. The law makes that determiniation, as well as any requirement to have supervision. Best get your head around that right now. And it isn't fair of you to presume that because he's a crappy (ex) boyfriend/sexpartner/whatever he was to you...that he'll be a crappy part-time dad. Only time will tell what kind of parent he, and indeed yourself, will be. It's a long journey for all of us, and we will all have great moments in parenting and less-than-stellar ones. But not being there at all, is one of the biggest mistakes any parent can make.

 

Please put your anger/resentment aside, and focus on your childs best interests. We all have something to offer, so give your ex a chance to be more than a sperm donor to your child. Give his family a chance to be part of the network of love and support for your child.

 

No child can have too many people to love him/her.

[BellaStranger]

I can see all your points, and based on the limited information a forum provides they are valid, however as with all things, there is always a bigger picture and other points of view.

 

I do not believe that absence is the worst thing a parent can do- sometimes it is the best and sometimes it is their greatest sacrifice. Many parents who feel incapable of parenting give their children up for adoption- are they doing the wrong thing? Those children are also protected from biological parents walking in and out of their lives, once parental responsibility is given up it is gone!

 

As for drinking, I had an episode of drinking heavily when I was depressed which lasted a few months...not a consistent pattern of inappropriate drinking for my entire adult life- as with my ex!! He drinks absolutely every day and can't not...he doesn't always get drunk but he HAS to have a drink and gets depressed & angry if he can't get to any alcohol...and he gets the shakes. I'm not being spiteful here...I really am thinking about what is best for my son...I always have been nothing but reasonable about that!

 

The if has to exist until I prove that he's lying or that test is wrong. He's been my bf for the last 11 months, we've been a proper couple and I've cared about him...I don't want to believe he is capable of such an elaborate lie! I think I am doing the right thing and giving the importance of the situation the consideration in deserves to at least think about it, to rule it out! The more I think about it the more sure I am of myself- and that's how it should be- it stops him from being able to get in my head!

[FarthestEdge]

Bella,

 

You slept with someone else, or you didn't

 

If you didn't, there's no "if",

If you DID, then you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that the baby isn't his.

 

You know the truth.

 

As for the rest- like I said, it isn't your call to make. And people who willingly surrender their parental rights because they themselves don't feel they are able to be a good parent are not the same as having someone else try to take their rights away- which is what you are doing.

 

It sounds like you are hedging your bets here...You want him to accept the financial responsiblities of parenthood, but think you get to decide if he has any RIGHTS to parenthood. You can't suck and blow. He's the father or he isn't and rights and responsibilities go hand in hand unless and until the courts say otherwise.

 

If he is his child too, then he is HIS CHILD TOO. Your wishes do not supercede his, just because you say so. A court will decide, if the two of you can't agree.

[rocio]

Guys, she's been pretty clear about this. She is fairly certain that she did not sleep with anyone else around that time. However, she was drinking heavily and she thinks there is a tiny possibility that she could have done something and either has no memory of it, or it happened when she wasn't conscious. Heck, she could have been slipped the date rape drug.

 

Why do you guys keep hounding her on this? Her response has been consistent throughout the thread. What more do you want her to say?

[im_the_undead]

take another test, be present this time.

[lavenderdove]

>>I was very depressed at the time, going out, drinking more than I usually would...I was so sure but now there are clouds of doubt..

 

Did you have any alcoholic blackouts during that time, or fall into a drunken stupor somewhere at someone else's house or with other people around, or possibly have someone slip you a date rate drug in a drink? If any of those are possibilities, then there is a chance the child is not his.

 

Your best bet now is a witnessed paternity test sent in by a neutral party.

[FarthestEdge]

Guys, she's been pretty clear about this. She is fairly certain that she did not sleep with anyone else around that time. However, she was drinking heavily and she thinks there is a tiny possibility that she could have done something and either has no memory of it, or it happened when she wasn't conscious. Heck, she could have been slipped the date rape drug.

 

Why do you guys keep hounding her on this? Her response has been consistent throughout the thread. What more do you want her to say?

 

 

She's indignant that he'd dare to question her...and yet leaves **just enough** wiggle room so that if it turns out he's right, she can't be called a liar.

 

She expects him to accept financial responsibility without question, yet keeps trying to make a case that it's her right to decide if, when and how he could see HER child. She continuously refuses to accept that (IF he is the father), it is THEIR child.

 

Honestly, it makes me question her own certainty in his paternity, and as such, I can hardly blame him for wanting proof.

 

He was good enough to sleep with in the first place, good enough to have a relationship with for however long, and he's apparently good enough to take money from....yet when it comes to establishing any of his rights, suddenly he's a horrible, nasty drunk?!?

 

It's all very inconsistent.

 

He has a right to ensure his parentage. If she has doubts, she hardly has any right to be enraged that he might too. No matter what, SHE was there when the baby was concieved. It's reasonable to expect her to be more certain than she is expecting him to be. If she can't be, then she can't really complain, can she?

[BellaStranger]

Farthest edge- I'm not sure you've actually read anything I've said!! I said quite a few times that I actually would rather not have any money off him- it was everyone else saying I should make him pay and am doing the wrong thing by my child if I don't! My parents divorces when I was young and my mum consistently protected me from my fathers influence...I believe she did the right thing and would therefore behave the same way! What you seem to be forgetting is that in the circumstances that he IS the father, he has gone to all the trouble of pretending to have a DNA test done in order to deny paternity, which would make his pretty desperate to get away from parental responsibility and in all likelihood he won't want any access at all!!

 

I'm also not at all indignant that he wanted a paternity test and have also been clear that I would have allowed one without question...what I am indignant about is the sneaking around, doing it without consultation and using dodgy companies in Canada rather than officially through the hospital! I just don't see why it wasn't all done up front!

 

As for his drinking...look back over my threads- it's not a sudden thing- it's been a consistent concern. He always assured me that he would change and never has. I've never actually said he's a bad person- alcohol abuse makes his unreliable and inconsistent but he has a good heart- hence our relationship continuing for 11 months. And hence me wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt by questioning myself- I obviously don't just think badly of him!

[rocio]

It's so easy to judge other people, isn't it?

 

I think we can all, BellaStranger included, agree that it wasn't a good idea to have a relationship with an alcoholic and that it wasn't wise to go through a bout of depression and heavy drinking. What's done is done. At this point, the best she can do - and the least she can do - is protect the child.

 

If he is the father, then clearly he is not a positive or stable influence in the child's life, given that he would have faked a DNA test just to shirk his responsibilities. The courts will help decide what is in the child's best interest, and hopefully in the future he will get his life straightened out and want to be in the child's life.

 

For the time being, all BellaStranger is saying, is that protecting her son from this negative influence is more important to her than collecting child support. If she is able to provide for the child's basic physical needs without the father's financial support, then why would you criticise her for that?

[Seraphim]

If she makes enough money to support a child and all their needs as far as food and shelter,medical,dental,emotional and mental entirely then fine so be it. Kids get more expensive though as they get older. There are lessons and sports and graduations and schooling and investments for schooling etc. If she makes enough money for that that is great. Then she does not need that money from him.

[BellaStranger]

>>I was very depressed at the time, going out, drinking more than I usually would...I was so sure but now there are clouds of doubt..

 

Did you have any alcoholic blackouts during that time, or fall into a drunken stupor somewhere at someone else's house or with other people around, or possibly have someone slip you a date rate drug in a drink? If any of those are possibilities, then there is a chance the child is not his.

 

Your best bet now is a witnessed paternity test sent in by a neutral party.

 

That's what I have been going back trying to work out... obviously it was a long time ago now! Obviously nothing stuck out at the time. The date rape drug was something that went through my mind- but that is such a scary thought I can't bear it- and what would that make my gorgeous little boy- the child of a rape? I don't want to think about that. That's the sort of thing you read about, not the sort of thing that actually happens!!

[Seraphim]

Your son would still be your son because he is part of you.

[Saffron_]

 

She expects him to accept financial responsibility without question, yet keeps trying to make a case that it's her right to decide if, when and how he could see HER child. She continuously refuses to accept that (IF he is the father), it is THEIR child.

 

He was good enough to sleep with in the first place, good enough to have a relationship with for however long, and he's apparently good enough to take money from....yet when it comes to establishing any of his rights, suddenly he's a horrible, nasty drunk?!?

 

 

Bella actually doesn't expect him to accept financial responsibility wthout question, as she stated all aong, she wanted NO money from him. Not that I think that's right. But you're right in saying that this guy has rights and shouldn't be kept away. Sharing parental responsibility comes as part and parcel of creating a life with someone you hardly know and deciding to continue the pregnancy. Obviously it was accidental but there are always consequences and now she's having to deal with them. This can't be easy when you're looking after a newborn, dealing with a breakup and facing the prsopect of being a single parent. New mothers go into protect mode and I think that's what's happening here.

 

Bella, I urge you not to keep this guy away from his son. If he shirks his responsibility that's one thing but if you, as you put it 'protect him from his fathers influence' you're really not protecting him at all! As Victoria said, most kids, even when their parents aren't so great, love them.