BellaStranger Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 I would have expected you to say it is impossible if this is the case. Did you have sex with anyone else around the time your son was conceived? You should know the answer without having to think about it. I meant I don't know how it is possible for test to be inaccurate...not for the result to be correct- that is impossible as far as I'm concerned! Link to comment
Moontiger Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 If you are able to prove in court that he irresponsible and unable to take care of a child you have a very good shot at full custody (or at least that how it worked for my mother when she divorced my step-siblings father). I'm not sure how to say this nicely so please don't take offense. Whether you want him in the child's life or not doesn't matter. Your child deserves to know both parents. This is not about you but about your baby. Your baby deserves to be supported financially by his father and he deserves the chance to know his father. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Just be careful, my step sister has not told her son who his dad is. When she was 19 she got pregnant and then told the boy and his family to get out of her life and she wanted no money nothing from them. So her son believes the total loser she is with now is his dad. The boy WILL find out who is father is eventually cause this ALWAYS comes out and he will hate her for it. I know it is coming. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 If you are able to prove in court that he irresponsible and unable to take care of a child you have a very good shot at full custody (or at least that how it worked for my mother when she divorced my step-siblings father). I'm not sure how to say this nicely so please don't take offense. Whether you want him in the child's life or not doesn't matter. Your child deserves to know both parents. This is not about you but about your baby. Your baby deserves to be supported financially by his father and he deserves the chance to know his father. I totally agree. You can not know who you are unless you know where you came from. Link to comment
lostnscared Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 The father is an alcoholic Bella? Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 If he would have asked you for the DNA test(instead of going behind your back) would you have complied? 100% yes...and we could have had it done on day 1, at the hospital, properly collected and properly witnessed! He said that's easy for me to say now- but he never gave me the chance! He's been helpful on occasion...consistency isn't his strong point! Link to comment
lostnscared Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 100% yes...and we could have had it done on day 1, at the hospital, properly collected and properly witnessed! He said that's easy for me to say now- but he never gave me the chance! He's been helpful on occasion...consistency isn't his strong point! It's odd that he would go behind your back then... Does he seem to want "out" or does he seem genuinely surprised about the DNA results? Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 The father is an alcoholic Bella? I think he is heading that way...he's in total denial but his dependency on alcohol is huge! He drinks every day. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 If he knows that you would have agreed to a DNA test, yet he goes behind your back, I would be doubly apprehensive that he may have submitted the wrong samples on purpose in order to get out of his responsibilities. In order to settle this once and for all and to ensure that your son has everything possible in his life including financial support you should insist on having the test redone properly so that it would be accepted by a court if necessary. There are only limited possibilities for the result of this test: - wrong samples submitted (either by design or mistake) - samples mixed up by lab -(quite unlikely our days, but it has happened): baby got mixed up at the hospital - (not saying that you did this, just putting it down for completeness): intercourse with somebody else Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 He didn't seem very upset- when I pointed that out to him he said he had spent an hour calming down before he spoke to me! I don't know- mothers need to protect their children...even if it's from their fathers! It's not just now...what about when he's a teenager and he's letting him drink and smoke behind my back, cos he doesnt see any problem with it? I think I would have difficulty actually PROVING him unfit! Link to comment
Moontiger Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Another option is supervised visitation. Again, if you can prove in court all that you have told us here, you can request that your child never be alone with this man. This might be the best of both world. You son would get to know his father and you would get the peace of mind knowing that someone else is always there with them. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 You are assuming he is always going to be this way Bella. He may not. What if he turns out to be a good guy later but you have denied him access to his son? What if he takes you to court then and there is a big battle? And your son finds out then?? They do have supervised visits for unfit parents through children's services, that way your child is in no danger but he gets to know his dad. Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 Well, I won't actually hide anything from my son...after all, I know the truth and have no reason to lie to anyone! And if I believe he is a changes character anywhere a long the line we could do further then. Until that time I want things in my control...not his, or the courts! Supervised visitation would be okay, but I couldn't guarantee I'd get it! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 The thing is once we have children with someone our rights are not the only rights that have to be considered. There is the man's rights whether we think they need to be considered or not and there is the child's rights as well. Yes, mothers do have to protect their children, however a child has a right to know their father not just know who he is. If you can arrange supervised visits that would be best, that is if he is willing. Unfortunately when we have kids and then break up the courts become a reality at some point. Link to comment
FairyGodmother Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 He might not even have actually had a DNA test done, he could just be bluffing to try to get you to admit to cheating on him (because it seems like he suspect that). Ask him to give you the hard copy, ASAP. And I would recommend having another DNA test done with both of you present at a reputable place, just so that you can make sure the results are accurate and haven't been tampered with in any way. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 The thing is once we have children with someone our rights are not the only rights that have to be considered. There is the man's rights whether we think they need to be considered or not and there is the child's rights as well. Yes, mothers do have to protect their children, however a child has a right to know their father not just know who he is. If you can arrange supervised visits that would be best, that is if he is willing. Unfortunately when we have kids and then break up the courts become a reality at some point. Agree. OP, this isn't about you, what you want, how you feel, or the opinion you have of the father of your child. While right now you are angry and hurt you must think about the long term. It is better that a child get to know his/her parents and then when they are old enough they can choose whether they want to be in their parent's lives. Don't deny your son that. He can only be hurt by never be given that chance. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Sounds like he's being calm about it because he knows he fudged the test--if there really was a test. My heart goes out to you. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 My ex husband was an alcoholic and after we split when my son was 11 months he never had unsupervised vistitation, ever! But, supervised visitation is not always perfect. I worked in family law and I know of children who were kidnapped while having "supervised" visitation. It's not a perfect solution. After awhile, my ex disappeared and I never looked for him. My son grew up just fine. A good father is indispensable to a child, but an alcoholic parent of either gender is nothing but dangerous. Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 I agree- not all fathers fall in to the 'better to have a bad father than no father' category! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 The thing is do not use your emotions here when making decisions of this kind and also too you are deciding the rights of two other people. Make the right choice or may come back to bite you and your son in the backside later. Link to comment
Saffron_ Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I agree- not all fathers fall in to the 'better to have a bad father than no father' category! That's true but it's not your decision to make. Unfortunately you had a child with someone you didn't know very well and there's consequences to that. I'm not saying this guy's right because he sounds too immature to be a father. BUT he is one and chances are your son's gonna love him, and need him regardless of whether or not he's much use. What's done is done. There are a lot of phony DNA tests on the market now so that could explain the result but like someone else has said, he might not have done one at all and just said that stuff to see if you'd admit to cheating. But never mind that for the time being, what's important (as others have already said) is that you get a proper dna test done to prove he is the father, contact the CSA to find out what you're due in terms of child support, if anything at all, and make sure you register him on the birth certificate. If you know he's the father and you don't register him, it may look bad on you when it comes to negotiating visitation. Are you breastfeeding just now Bella? Because if you are, it's likely that you won't need to worry about him taking care of your son unsupervised. I can't say for certain and you should seek legal advice but althought courts often grant 50/50 custody of children, residence is usually with the mother and a newborn can't be taken away from its mother for any great length of time. Visitation might consist of him coming round to yours for a couple of hours maybe twice a week and overnight visits would be out of the question at this stage in your sons life. It would be too disruptive to his routine. It's worth finding out and fast! I take it you and him are well and truly over now? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I agree, children love their parents no matter what. I worked for children's services and even children who had been horribly abused by their parents still loved their parents and needed to see them. My dad was abusive and I still love my dad. Children love their parents and it is wrong to not have a relationship with your parents even if it is supervised. I am not saying to put a child in any danger at all, just allow them that relationship because kids a lot of the time end up more messed up when they do not have a relationship with their parents. I have seen it hundreds of times. I also agree there are consequences when you have children with someone else and you are not always going to like or agree with those consequences and they will not always be in your hands either,especially when you break up. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 There are a lot of phony DNA tests on the market now I've never heard of this. As a man, I'd never make claims about a DNA test unless I was 100% sure I was right. He'd have to be a real idiot to fake it, given that you could easily have someone else re-test. I seem to recall Kansas trying to pass a bill that would require paternity tests for all children. I wouldn't go that far, but, if someone wants child-support, they should have to prove that the guy is the father. Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 At the end of the day he believes this piece of paper he has at the moment. He's made all these decisions without telling me, so all I do is leave him to it. He is so sure that this test is accurate that he's had me doubting myself all day...I'm racking my brain for anything that could have happened at the time that makes sense. I was very depressed at the time, going out, drinking more than I usually would...I was so sure but now there are clouds of doubt...picking apart every drunken night out, trying to piece together any gaps...I'm so confused. Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 I've never heard of this. As a man, I'd never make claims about a DNA test unless I was 100% sure I was right. He'd have to be a real idiot to fake it, given that you could easily have someone else re-test. I seem to recall Kansas trying to pass a bill that would require paternity tests for all children. I wouldn't go that far, but, if someone wants child-support, they should have to prove that the guy is the father. I don't want child support...I don't want anything from him and never have. I only wanted him to be the father he has said from the beginning he wanted to be. If he'd done this up front, we'd have a test we could both trust already. Link to comment
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