Seraphim Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Bella, the fact that he would not do a reputable test at the HOSPITAL, but NOW hands you one, that should tell you a lot. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 At the end of the day he believes this piece of paper he has at the moment. He's made all these decisions without telling me, so all I do is leave him to it. He is so sure that this test is accurate that he's had me doubting myself all day...I'm racking my brain for anything that could have happened at the time that makes sense. I was very depressed at the time, going out, drinking more than I usually would...I was so sure but now there are clouds of doubt...picking apart every drunken night out, trying to piece together any gaps...I'm so confused. Just go have another test done. Does he have a brush, toothbrush, sweatshirt, anything there? If he doesn't and he refuses to give a sample that should tell you something... Link to comment
Applewhite Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I don't want child support...I don't want anything from him and never have. I only wanted him to be the father he has said from the beginning he wanted to be. If he'd done this up front, we'd have a test we could both trust already. With the risk of repeating what's been said, it is not about what you want anymore! You are reacting out of emotions as opposed to rational behavior. Yes your child needs your protection, but you aren't doing your child any service by reacting to your feelings of disappointment in regard to your romantic relationship with the father. It borders on selfish, as much as you would like to think otherwise. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I was very depressed at the time, going out, drinking more than I usually would...I was so sure but now there are clouds of doubt...picking apart every drunken night out, trying to piece together any gaps...I'm so confused. That's not a good sign. Was the DNA test some sort of mail-order thing? If so, I'd google it and see what sort of reputation the company has. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Not all children love their parents no matter what, I sure don't love my dad. Bella, I would gt your own test done. If he refuses to get it done through a hospital or well known company, that says a lot about him in my book. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 With the risk of repeating what's been said, it is not about what you want anymore! You are reacting out of emotions as opposed to rational behavior. Yes your child needs your protection, but you aren't doing your child any service by reacting to your feelings of disappointment in regard to your romantic relationship with the father. It borders on selfish, as much as you would like to think otherwise. I agree, your child is going to need this money. Children are very expensive. Just in the month of May I paid close to $2000 for things my son needed outside of every day expenses. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Not all children love their parents no matter what, I sure don't love my dad. Bella, I would gt your own test done. If he refuses to get it done through a hospital or well known company, that says a lot about him in my book. Many do OG. I have never come accross one person I know in real life who does not love their parents. I have worked with hundreds of children within the foster care system and they love their parents. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Many do OG. I have never come accross one person I know in real life who does not love their parents. I have worked with hundreds of children within the foster care system and they love their parents. I'm sure many do, not disputing that but there are also many who don't. I have absolutely no emotion when it comes to my father - love, hate - nothing. whether it makes me a monster or not if he were to die tomorrow I honestly wouldn't care. I could very feel change how I view him later in life but I doubt it, very sincerely. but I do agree with the fact that Bella's son is just a baby, he hasn't had time to form his own opinion of his father. He could love him or come to hate him later in life but I do agree he deserves to make that decision himself. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I'm sure many do, not disputing that but there are also many who don't. I have absolutely no emotion when it comes to my father - love, hate - nothing. whether it makes me a monster or not if he were to die tomorrow I honestly wouldn't care. I could very feel change how I view him later in life but I doubt it, very sincerely. but I do agree with the fact that Bella's son is just a baby, he hasn't had time to form his own opinion of his father. He could love him or come to hate him later in life but I do agree he deserves to make that decision himself. Yes, he does deserve a chance with his father. When parents take away that chance there is a big chance that this will rebound on them when the child becomes a teenager and takes off in search of their lost parent. They also make up fantasies about what they think their life would have been with the parent they can only imagine and blame the parent they know for that lack of knowing. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 My mother did her best not to put her own opinion of our father onto us kids. Even when he was beating me and her black and blue she still tried to tell me he was a good father. With me and my sister she doesn't hodl back how be feels a out him but with my brother she still does a little. It's fine line to walk though. On the one hand Bella needs to give her son a chance to form his own opinion of his father but on the other she needs to protect him if his father is steadily becoming an alcoholic. Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 I don't love my father either...and I don't feel that I don't know myself by not knowing him. We're meeting on Thursday for a chat... I'll take things from there ! Link to comment
iBroken Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 ^Make sure he brings the actual paper that shows he is not the father! Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 To be fair, chances are if he has gone to all the trouble of fabricating evidence, he isn't going to be around whatever the test is. That makes this all about money...and whatever you say about how expensive children are, I'm not interested in his money...I have plenty of financial and emotional support without him...and taking anything from him results in me owing him. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Well ok and that is fine. I am just trying to help you with the knowledge I have. It is your right to choose to ignore it. Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 ^Make sure he brings the actual paper that shows he is not the father! He doesn't have it yet...apparently it is coming from Canada... which seems a long way- surely we have DNA testing in the UK! He reckons it will be here next week some time! Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 He doesn't have it yet...apparently it is coming from Canada... which seems a long way- surely we have DNA testing in the UK! He reckons it will be here next week some time! Yeah, this just sounds weird to me. Link to comment
Saffron_ Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 He doesn't have it yet...apparently it is coming from Canada... which seems a long way- surely we have DNA testing in the UK! He reckons it will be here next week some time! Ehhhh if that doesn't sound dodgy I don't know what does! Also, and I may be wrong about this, but don't you need both parents consent to do a dna test?? Bella, once again this isn't about YOU wanting money from him, it's about your son. Accepting money from him doesn't mean you owe him anything in any way because you're not accepting the money for yourself! Even if he only gave lets say £10 a week and you put it in a savings account, that could add up to around £10k+ by the time your son's 18 (depending on how you invest it). You don't owe him, he owes your son, and that money could come in very useful one day whether it's for university fees or putting a down payment on a flat. It really isn't about what you want, it's about doing what's best for your wee boy and his future. Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 Ehhhh if that doesn't sound dodgy I don't know what does! Also, and I may be wrong about this, but don't you need both parents consent to do a dna test?? I thought that too! I need to find out about that, cos I'm guessing he's either forged my signature, or I'm wrong about the law...it might be that it only needs one parent. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I would say odds are good that he's decided he doesn't like the responsibility of a baby and prefers to drink, and hopes to con you into just letting him slip away and not pay child support or participate in the baby's life. It would be very easy for him to take a sample of one of his friend's DNA and send it in then claim the baby wasn't his when the test came back denying paternity. You need to instead get a court ordered test where there is a chain of custody that proves he couldn't have switched the DNA with someone else. His own test means nothing, personally or legally. You can't make him participate in the baby's life if he doesn't want to, but you can get child support from him and he should be responsible since it is his child. I think he is just trying to con you into letting him off easy at this point. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 btw, anyone can do a DNA test. You can get one yourself. Sit there with him and swab his DNA, and mail it off before he gets a chance to tamper with it. It would be interesting to see what he says if you tell him that you want to do a test of your own sending the sample in, and he can go and watch you mail it. If he waffles or avoids this, then you know this is just a con to try to get out of responsibility and child support. Link to comment
Saffron_ Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 He is so sure that this test is accurate that he's had me doubting myself all day...I'm racking my brain for anything that could have happened at the time that makes sense. I was very depressed at the time, going out, drinking more than I usually would...I was so sure but now there are clouds of doubt...picking apart every drunken night out, trying to piece together any gaps...I'm so confused. This really stands out. Most people who know for certain wouldn't say "I was so sure". Bella, did you sleep with ANYONE else around the time you conceived? I'm starting to feel there might be more to this than you're letting on. Maybe because you're embarrassed or ashamed. I dunno. If it was me, no one would be able to convince me they weren't the father of my child if I knew 100% that there was no other possibility so the fact you have any doubts at all worries me. Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 The thing is- I AM sure. It's just that I'm finding it hard to believe he would make up test results in order to get out of responsibility, and the more I read about these tests the more unlikely it seems that it's wrong...and that only leaves one possibility. I'm going over everything. Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 He did commit an offence- just came accross this- link removed I'm reading it as he's not on the birth certificate yet, therefore does not have parental responsibility and couldn't take his DNA without my permission. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Bella, he probably did not commit an offence because he probably didn't send it in. He only said he sent it in. I doubt that lying when he is on/not on the birth certificate is an] offense legally. Do you think it is fair to deny your child of his child support because you feel emotional and angry? Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 No, your right, if he didn't send it in then he didn't do anything wrong legally, he's just a scumbag! I'm going to point his 'offence' out to him though... 3 years in prison? Might have him back peddaling pretty quickly! I've made a plan of sorts- I'm going to wait and see his 'results' and I'm going to get my baby registered with my surname, without him on the birth certificate... then I am going to get another test done, a proper one, through proper channels, properly witnessed and done in the UK... if he is his father I'll get him to pay me through the CSA and he can have supervised visits (due to his drinking). If he really isn't then I'll probably have some sort of breakdown! Link to comment
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