DNA test

[OptomisticGirl]

Last I checked she said she didn't want any of his money. Yes, he has a right for a test but NOt behind her back and through a shady company. If he wanted to know so badly, why not get one at the hospital instead of waiting what, over a month?

[OptomisticGirl]

That's what I have been going back trying to work out... obviously it was a long time ago now! Obviously nothing stuck out at the time. The date rape drug was something that went through my mind- but that is such a scary thought I can't bear it- and what would that make my gorgeous little boy- the child of a rape? I don't want to think about that. That's the sort of thing you read about, not the sort of thing that actually happens!!

 

You read about it because it does happen though Bella.

[Saffron_]

Then she does not need that money from him.

 

She may not need it, but her son deserves it. If she refuses it, she's taking away something from him which is pretty selfish and done for the wrong reasons IMO.

[OptomisticGirl]

She may not need it, but her son deserves it. If she refuses it, she's taking away something from him which is pretty selfish and done for the wrong reasons IMO.

 

This I don't understand. If she can care for him herself, with him not going without... Why again does he need that money? Unless we are arguing all a father needs give his children is money then I suppose that argument does make sense.

[Seraphim]

She may not need it, but her son deserves it. If she refuses it, she's taking away something from him which is pretty selfish and done for the wrong reasons IMO.

 

Oh I agree with you. I see single mothers struggle all the time and can not afford this and can not afford that and their kids get left out of class trips and left out of lessons and get left out of soccer and cubs and all kinds of other things because their mother is busy scraping together body and soul just for shelter and food and basic medical if they can even do that. This is not about money for HER it is so her son does not have to sit in class and miss out on what the other kids get because they have two parents and a double income.

[rocio]

She may not need it, but her son deserves it. If she refuses it, she's taking away something from him which is pretty selfish and done for the wrong reasons IMO.

 

This is one of those decisions that a mother needs to make for herself and her family. As parents, we need to make tough decisions and it's not up to other people to judge them. Only she can decide whether the benefits of requesting child support payments outweigh the costs. There is no clear right or wrong answer here.

 

I dont know what she makes or what kind of support network she has, but it's not right to automatically assume that a single parent cannot provide for her child on her own. I supported our family of 3 on my income for a few years. We never lacked anything.

[Saffron_]

This I don't understand. If she can care for him herself, with him not going without... Why again does he need that money? Unless we are arguing all a father needs give his children is money then I suppose that argument does make sense.

 

Because it's rightfully his, that's why!

 

As I said earlier, even if the money wasn't spent on his upbringing but put into a savings account, it could amount to a few thousand by the time he reaches 18. Money he might need at some point in his life. To deny your child something they might need, something that could really benefit them, out of anger and pride is selfish.

[FarthestEdge]

It's so easy to judge other people, isn't it?

 

I am not judging her. I am saying her focus is inconsistent...first she's scared, how could this be? then she's mad he did it behind her back- it must be because he's trying to get out of support, then she's trying to back him into a corner by looking for a legal trap for his actions. If she doesn't want his money, or his involvement, then why would she want to threaten him with 3 years in jail for proving he has a legal right to do what she wants him to do anyway...?

 

I'm just lost as to what she wants or expects, because in my view, it seems rather fluid at the moment.

 

Although I have gone back and I see that she doesn't seem bothered by the money, and I got that vibe from other posters that money was an/the issue, so for that I will apologise.

 

Regardless- IF he is the father, it is for the courts to decide if he is unfit. Keeping him off the certificate so she can keep his rights at bay is no less sneaky than his getting a DNA test from Canada.

 

I have just seen too many women get pregnant by one guy only to hook another into paying for it. I have also seen women fabricate/exaggerate a mans flaws in an attempt to villify him so that they feel justified in denying their child a father.

 

I see the *possibility* of either/both of these things happening here, which is why I'd like to see the OP be honest about her feelings on the parenthood and what she expects from this guy.

 

We women are at an advantage. Our children come THROUGH us. There's never any question on the maternity. Playing guessing games with the men because we can is contrary to the spirit of equality. And the children get caught in the crossfire.

[Saffron_]

This is one of those decisions that a mother needs to make for herself and her family. As parents, we need to make tough decisions and it's not up to other people to judge them. Only she can decide whether the benefits of requesting child support payments outweigh the costs. There is no clear right or wrong answer here.

 

I dont know what she makes or what kind of support network she has, but it's not right to automatically assume that a single parent cannot provide for her child on her own. I supported our family of 3 on my income for a few years. We never lacked anything.

 

No one's suggesting she can't provide or can't cope. You're missing the point completely I'm afraid.

 

Also, HE'S a parent too (she thinks). Not just her.

[OptomisticGirl]

Because it's rightfully his, that's why!

 

As I said earlier, even if the money wasn't spent on his upbringing but put into a savings account, it could amount to a few thousand by the time he reaches 18. Money he might need at some point in his life. To deny your child something they might need, something that could really benefit them, out of anger and pride is selfish.

 

Whose? The child? Shouldn't it better spent to argue the child needs his fathers love and attention more than his money?

[OptomisticGirl]

He could have asked before now to be out on the certificate as well.

[BellaStranger]

Can I point out that my ex is currently unemployed- so I'd get a big fat nothing from him at the moment! I've been supporting us all financially for the last 6 months!

 

I can easily provide all the survival needs- food, shelter and warmth. I have a large, supportive family who help me with the emotional and practical support. My father has set him up a school/ college fund and will be paying in to it for the next 16 years so that he can go to a good school. I'm in the UK, so medical and dental is free. As for school trips, clubs etc...I will make the sacrifices I need to...but honestly, missing the odd trip is character building- I missed lots as a kid and it never really bothered me...I knew what was important!

[Saffron_]

Whose? The child? Shouldn't it better spent to argue the child needs his fathers love and attention more than his money?

 

OG, I have been arguing that too. That's more important but that doesn't make the money issue unimportant.

[Seraphim]

Whose? The child? Shouldn't it better spent to argue the child needs his fathers love and attention more than his money?

 

Like I said though, what is the child going to miss out on that he does not have to?Of course a child should have the love of their parents but the court can not force him to love his kid but they can sure force him to pay for his child.

[Seraphim]

Can I point out that my ex is currently unemployed- so I'd get a big fat nothing from him at the moment! I've been supporting us all financially for the last 6 months!

 

I can easily provide all the survival needs- food, shelter and warmth. I have a large, supportive family who help me with the emotional and practical support. My father has set him up a school/ college fund and will be paying in to it for the next 16 years so that he can go to a good school. I'm in the UK, so medical and dental is free. As for school trips, clubs etc...I will make the sacrifices I need to...but honestly, missing the odd trip is character building- I missed lots as a kid and it never really bothered me...I knew what was important!

 

Your father is going to pay for son's education and yet you profess not to even like your father?

[OptomisticGirl]

OG, I have been arguing that too. That's more important but that doesn't make the money issue unimportant.

 

But as rocio said, it's based on the mothers decision. I never got child support from my parent and I grew up fine - I also missed a few field trips and bought peanut butter and jelly sandwiches instead of being given $30 to eat at mcdonalds. In the end it taught me a lot about what is needed and what is a luxury in life. If Bella chooses to raise her son like that it's her choice.

[OptomisticGirl]

Your father is going to pay for son's education and yet you profess not to even like your father?

 

She doesn't have to like her dad for him to be a part of his grandsons life really.

[FarthestEdge]

This is one of those decisions that a mother needs to make for herself and her family. As parents, we need to make tough decisions and it's not up to other people to judge them. Only she can decide whether the benefits of requesting child support payments outweigh the costs. There is no clear right or wrong answer here.

 

I dont know what she makes or what kind of support network she has, but it's not right to automatically assume that a single parent cannot provide for her child on her own. I supported our family of 3 on my income for a few years. We never lacked anything.

 

As far as I am aware, it takes both a man and a woman to create a baby. Why does the mother automatically get to choose what is right for *her* family, irrespective of the fathers feelings on the matter? What makes us automatically better qualified from the start to make that call?

 

We are incubators of the child. In that sense, we have to bear more responsiblity earlier. It doesn't give us the automatic right to determine if the other person involved will be a sperm donor, or a father.

 

UNLESS there is a COMPELLING reason that one parent cannot be involved, then they have that right. This is a decision for the courts, not the mother, to make.

[Seraphim]

She doesn't have to like her dad for him to be a part of his grandsons life really.

 

I am not saying she does. But pretty sweet deal if you ask me. Some one else pays for the child's education and you do not even like or love them.

 

I guess the point I am getting accross is already someone else is paying for the child's future.

[Saffron_]

But as rocio said, it's based on the mothers decision. I never got child support from my parent and I grew up fine - I also missed a few field trips and bought peanut butter and jelly sandwiches instead of being given $30 to eat at mcdonalds. In the end it taught me a lot about what is needed and what is a luxury in life. If Bella chooses to raise her son like that it's her choice.

 

No it isn't!!! The child has two parents and she doesn't get to make all the decisions.

OG, you're full of contradictions. One minute you think a father has a right to see his child being born but now you think the mother has a right to withold the fathers money from her child?!

[OptomisticGirl]

I am not saying she does. But pretty sweet deal if you ask me. Some one else pays for the child's education and you do not even like or love them.

 

I guess the point I am getting accross is already someone else is paying for the child's future.

 

But her father doesnt have to, if she doesn't like him I'm sure she didn't ask him. Sweet deal or not, the child is being taken care. If the father wanted his rights so bad IMO he should have had the test dine at the hospital and if he was have his name out on the certificate - seeing as he did neither it doesn't seem like it's a big deal for him.

[rocio]

If she can provide for all of the child's needs, including post-secondary education, then she might decide it's not worth the emotional scarring that could come from having a father who consistently tries to shirk his responsibilities, avoids making child support payments, etc. The emotional well being of a child is much more important than financial extras, in my opinion. But once again, it's up to her to make that call.

[Saffron_]

If she can provide for all of the child's needs, including post-secondary education, then she might decide it's not worth the emotional scarring that could come from having a father who consistently tries to shirk his responsibilities, avoids making child support payments, etc. The emotional well being of a child is much more important than financial extras, in my opinion. But once again, it's up to her to make that call.

 

It's up to the courts to make that call, if it comes to that.

[Seraphim]

OK but everyone is assuming this boy and that is what he is a boy, is going to be a bum loser all his life. What if he is not?? What then? He just got messed out of a valuable relationship for him and his son.

[rocio]

As far as I am aware, it takes both a man and a woman to create a baby. Why does the mother automatically get to choose what is right for *her* family, irrespective of the fathers feelings on the matter? What makes us automatically better qualified from the start to make that call?

 

This has nothing to do with gender. If a mother chooses to disown her child and is insistent not to play a role in that child's life, then she is able to leave. No mother or father is ever forced to have a relationship with his or her child. This is a mother who is choosing to be a part of her child's life, and a father who is choosing to avoid being a parent with great force. THAT is why she needs to decide what is best for her family. In my opinion, gender never factored into this.