BellaStranger Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 Ha- I'm young, scared and overwhelmed- am I denying my child? Running away? Looking for an escape? Why is it that men are held to a lower basic expectation when it comes to childcare? And then wonder why they don't get equal rights. His attitude towards alcohol tells more than just being drunk...he'll have 5 or 6 beers and the tell me he hasn't had much to drink...he considers 'wine with dinner' to be the whole bottle, he thinks 12 year olds drinking at parties is funny, I asked him not to drink from when I was 37 weeks in case I went in to labour- he agreed but he managed 3 days-the only reason he wasn't drinking the day I gave birth is because I was booked in to be induced, when he has no money he buys wine and cigarettes before food... He's owed me £600 since january yet has not gone more than a handful of days without drinking! Again, I will point out that this has been a growing concern for some months- not something I've plucked out of thin air because I'm upset. A few mutual friends also expressed concern over his drinking when I first told them I was pregnant! As you said- you and your husband take it in turns to have a drink... I haven't had a drink since I gave birth because he has NEVER once been willing to NOT have a drink so that I can...knowing that one of us will have to abstain to look after the baby! That's the only reason I'm 'sworn off alcohol' cos I have to be responsible for the both of us! Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 He did pour me a glass of wine one night but I had has 2 sips when he was pouring his second glass... So I left mine! I'm just with OG...one person should be not drinking AT ALL.... which for us would always be me because he doesn't see the problem with drinking when you have a baby to look after! Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 I'm young, scared and overwhelmed- am I denying my child? Running away? Looking for an escape? Why is it that men are held to a lower basic expectation when it comes to childcare? And then wonder why they don't get equal rights. He's not being held to a lower standard. But denying parental rights, for the rest of his life, as a form of "punishment" for not doing what you expect of him is not right either. Family courts deal in the child's best interests, not "punishing" people for acting like morons. Even if you could convince this entire community that your bf is a hopeless alcholic...it doesn't mean a judge will agree. THIS is what I am trying to explain to you. You go into court, guns blazin' demanding supervised access because of his "attitude towards alcohol", and the judge will not take you seriously. Worse, he may think your being vindictive and favour your ex. Far better to go in with a cooperative attitude, and a genuine desire to include the father in his life, and express your concerns in the least judgemental way possible. You'll get a lot farther with that attitude than the "I don't need him, I'll show him," attitude you have expressed here. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 That is kind of what I am saying too. Family court does not look kindly on people that are not trying to get along for their child's sake. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 No, he wasn't the only one but it's not a far stretch for anyone to see how someone behaves (in this instance with Bella) and apply it to how they would be wit out her there (also given his past history when it comes to drinking). Now Bella very well could be misjudging him and he may not ever take a sip while watching their son - but again, she would be failing as a mother if she didn't at least voice (in a nine judgmental tone) her concern on this from her observations. The difference theree is bella and this guy got pregnant very early on - they were still dating and not defined as a relationship when she got pregnant. She didn't have the insight if years if knowing him to know this is how he would act. I remember her earlier threads about him, he even seemed like a swell guy when she told him she was pregnant! I agree she needs to come at it with less emotion if it gets to the courts as they may see that wrong, and I don't think he should be locked from his child for the rest of his life but there things that he needs to answer for, such as how much dkes he want to be a father when/if he is proven to be the father. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 I want to give you my story Bella, it is kind of personal but here goes. My parents divorced in 1973. My father never showed up at the custody hearing. My mother was granted full custody, HOWEVER, he was given full unsupervised access to his children every second weekend all weekend in his own home. My father was diagnosed with 2 severe mental illnesses the year I was born. He had beaten my mother, had affairs on my mother, he had tried to kill her by trying to run her over with a car that I was a passenger in. Those are just some of the things he had done. He was still granted visitation and without supervision. That was in 1973!! He had not even shown his face in court!! Now courts care even more about the father's right to parent. I am not trying to be mean to you at all Bella or aggravate you, I am just telling you you might not get things the way you want and for the sake of your son you might just have to co operate. Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 . He's not being held to a lower standard. But denying parental rights, for the rest of his life, as a form of "punishment" for not doing what you expect of him is not right either. Family courts deal in the child's best interests, not "punishing" people for acting like morons. Of course he is... If I were here as a mother saying 'I'm not really ready and I'm not very good with newborns therefore I'll leave my bubs with someone else till I am ready' there would be outrage! I've been nothing but cooperative with him! But it's different now that he's making it so obvious that he downy really want to be involved! Link to comment
einsteins_girl Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 I am amazed at the degree to which people are twisting things to make them seem very extreme. Bella has no intention of denying her ex the ability to see his son FOR-EV-ER (or even right now, assuming he can demonstrate some interest and responsibility). She has simply said that she thinks he should have supervised visits unless he can get his drinking under control. Bella never said she is abstaining from alcohol FOR-EV-ER. She said that she will not drink while her son is a newborn. Unless he is going to defy all aging and remain a newborn forever, I'm pretty sure she'll be able to drink again before 18 years are up. I have never once said that I think Bella should frivolously block her ex from seeing his son. Never said that. Yet Moontiger wants to make it out like I did. Wow. Just wow. You are all being unbelievably hard on Bella and have beaten this dead horse to a pulp. Bella, hang in there. Truly take all of this with a grain of salt. No one here knows you or your ex, and even with emotion or anger in the way right now, you obviously have a better grasp on the situation than any of us could because WE AREN'T THERE. I hope things went okay when you met with your ex today. I hope you update us, but perhaps in a new thread. This one has gotten ridiculous. Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 He didn't turn up... when I rang him to see what had happened he apologised and said he had been caught up at work (guess I should just be glad he HAS work this week!) and asked if he could come tomorrow (today) instead... I just said yes- couldn't be bothered to argue over it Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 You know I was thinking about this. People are assuming that because he got a DNA test, it MUST mean he's looking for a way out of supporting the child. Perhaps, just maybe, he honestly just wants to be CERTAIN that it IS his child before he commits the rest of his life to him. It's not like he and the OP are married or were even in a long-term relationship when she got pregnant. It's a reasonable question. Perhaps he did the test quietly, because he has every intention of stepping up, SO LONG AS IT'S HIS SON, but didn't want to cause a problem between him and the OP by asking for proof? Perhaps he is a blindsided by this result as the OP is. Link to comment
rocio Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 You know I was thinking about this. People are assuming that because he got a DNA test, it MUST mean he's looking for a way out of supporting the child. What we are saying is that: a) If the child isn't his, then he's not the father and we have a non issue on our hands. b) If the child is his, then he faked or lied about getting a DNA test, in an attempt to avoid supporting a child that he knows could very well be his. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 You know I was thinking about this. People are assuming that because he got a DNA test, it MUST mean he's looking for a way out of supporting the child. Perhaps, just maybe, he honestly just wants to be CERTAIN that it IS his child before he commits the rest of his life to him. It's not like he and the OP are married or were even in a long-term relationship when she got pregnant. It's a reasonable question. Perhaps he did the test quietly, because he has every intention of stepping up, SO LONG AS IT'S HIS SON, but didn't want to cause a problem between him and the OP by asking for proof? Perhaps he is a blindsided by this result as the OP is. None of us would expect him to pay child support without proof- that would be ridiculous. What it comes to is he has wasited over a month - i forget exactly how old Bella's son is - to do this and he did it through a shoddy company over seas, like the UK can't run DNA tests. We know they can because another member who lives there is getting one day as well! To me, waiting this long after the birth, is what makes it seem like he is trying to find a way out of it. He if within his right to know 100% but the timing is what makes it suspect. Why not do it at the birth, why wait SO long? Link to comment
Moontiger Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 What we are saying is that: a) If the child isn't his, then he's not the father and we have a non issue on our hands. b) If the child is his, then he faked or lied about getting a DNA test, in an attempt to avoid supporting a child that he knows could very well be his. Or the test came out wrong. It does happen (albeit rarely). In any case a second test is a very good idea. Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 You know I was thinking about this. People are assuming that because he got a DNA test, it MUST mean he's looking for a way out of supporting the child. Perhaps, just maybe, he honestly just wants to be CERTAIN that it IS his child before he commits the rest of his life to him. It's not like he and the OP are married or were even in a long-term relationship when she got pregnant. It's a reasonable question. Perhaps he did the test quietly, because he has every intention of stepping up, SO LONG AS IT'S HIS SON, but didn't want to cause a problem between him and the OP by asking for proof? Perhaps he is a blindsided by this result as the OP is. That's all a distinct possibility. However, he would have saves himself from any suspicion if he done the test in an up front, honest, legal way 5 weeks ago at a reputable company in the UK. I honestly wouldn't have minded if he wanted a test- I could totally understand where he was coming from and it is reasonable but he'd had 5 weeks to talk to me about it- not to mention the previous 9 months. Even if he had thought I would react badly, is that really am excuse for doing the wrong thing? Or is it just another case of not fronting up to the situation in hand? Link to comment
Applewhite Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Bella, at this point why does it matter so much why he did what he did, was it wrong, did he really do it etc... Nothing good is going to come out of wondering these things. When are you planning on doing the test yourself? Link to comment
einsteins_girl Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 Bella, at this point why does it matter so much why he did what he did, was it wrong, did he really do it etc... Nothing good is going to come out of wondering these things. When are you planning on doing the test yourself? Bella was responding to another member's post. She is trying to meet with her ex in order to arrange a second test. He flaked out on her... again. Link to comment
einsteins_girl Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Bella, how are things going? Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 Hey... I haven't really been online- it's been a strange couple of weeks! In a nutshell it goes like this... He cancelled on me four nights in a row after my last post, when he did come round he packed up most of his stuff and set out a plan to pay back the money he owes me and his phone bills in installments (strangly he's had pretty consistent work since he hasn't had me to support him, but he still can't pay me all at once). I mentioned what I had found out about the law and he seemed really freaked out but didn't say anything- he just left. He did agree to have another test done but only if I payed for it myself because he had already payed for one and I haven't got that sort of money until I get my next maternity pay. So we agreed to leave it until I got paid and let emotions settle down. Anyway... A couple of days later it had had time to sink in and he turned up on my doorstep in the middle of the night (drunk) to confess that he hadn't had test done at all, he was just testing me to see if I would confess to him possibly being someone elses!! Even after everything he still insisted that he didn't believe he was his and that he wanted another test (but he would pay this time), which we should get the results for on Monday! Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Wow... So all that and he never had the test done. Marvelous. Link to comment
rocio Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Wow... So all that and he never had the test done. Marvelous. Indeed. Although I thought this was pretty clear from the beginning. I didn't understand why everyone was hounding her for answers as to how she could be pregnant with another man's baby when she clearly stated that she has no idea either. Link to comment
BellaStranger Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 I don't think I helped my cause...I was so sure he wouldn't lie about something like this I began to doubt myself!! He had me thinking all sorts of things could have happened!! Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I'd let him support this child. If you don't need it now, pack it back in case things change in the future. Life is unpredictable. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I think he is looking for a way out financially, emotionally etc. He is not up to the responsibility so he is making excuses (even if they are lies). Based on what you've told us, I don't even trust that he did a test. Perhaps what you should do is do another test (without telling him) and with the results visit a lawyer so you can get a child support order for the next 18 years. I SWEAR I am not writing this to say "I told you so" but this post on page 1 just goes to show how sometimes others can objectively evaluate the situation since they are not emotionally involved and hence biased. Because you didn't want to even consider the possibility that he lied to you, you started doubting yourself and driving yourself crazy! Let this be a lesson and learn to trust yourself in similar situations. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Well, isn't he a prince... lying to try to trick you and weasel out of his financial/personal obligations to his child. Honey, you're better off without this guy, really! I'd just quietly consult an attorney (or the court itself) on how to file for legal custody and get child support issues worked out. I frankly don't think you should ask for nothing, becasue that allows him to walk away from being a grown up and taking responsibility for his actions. And you could sock away that money in case your son needs something or for a college fund. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Or God forbid he becomes ill and needs medical care desperately. Don't let him off the hook. Link to comment
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