DNA test

[Seraphim]

Ok but your brother is not Bella's son. Not every child is the same. Just because you and Bella are fine does not mean her son will be so happy to not have what other kids can have. As I said it is not my son. I am just giving benefit of experience of working with many people which you are all free to ignore.

[FarthestEdge]

My mother DID protect us from out father, that's what I'm saying. He would consistently not show up to pick is up...or turn up 3/4 hours late...so she stopped him seeing us for a long time cos it caused us so much distress. He was also only allowed supervised visitation for a long time because she was worried about him taking us out of the country!! He never did...so you may say her fears were unfounded and she denied us a lot of time with our dad...but I can totally understand where she was coming from, feel she did the right thing and would do the same!

 

Well Bella, you get to live with the rewards and suffer the consequences of the parenting choices you will make.

 

I honestly can't tell if his drinking actually poses a direct threat to your child, or it's just a convenient complaint from a woman who's mad he hasn't stepped up the way she expected him too. People tend to dramatize and exaggerate the flaws of people who hurt or disappoint them like your ex has.

 

Which is why we have impartial courts. IF he is the father, he has rights that only the impartial courts, not YOU should have the ability to take away. Funnily enough, those rights are there for the benefit of your child. I personally don't think it's your right to arbitrarily deny the father the right to surprise (or disappoint) you and your son with his parenting. Also- what of the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins? Can you find enough 'wrong' with them to justify your decision to deny THEM a relationship with your son?

[civilservant]

Victoria if you apply that logic this site wouldn't exist because 'it's not the same for everyone' Of course it isn't, but opinions are borne out of experience, and experience forms negatives and positives in opinion. Everyones view will be different.

[BellaStranger]

You may think money is all poo poo Bella, but what if you had NO support? What if you dad did not feel guilty? What if all of a sudden your dad says " know what...I am not giving another red cent and gee the money is mine and you do not think money is anything so I hope you don't mind if I take MY money back and you can pay for your own kid." what if you lose all your support? Will the money mean diddly then? Will the money be diddly when your son is screaming and dancing and crying because he can not have what the other kids have? No, it will break your heart Bella. I promise you.

 

If my son has tantrums over not having what other kids have he will get a stern conversation about recognising what is important in life!!

 

If my dad withdraws his offer the my son will just go to a state school- like me and my sister did- at no detriment to our education! I have already set him up a bank account, when I first found out I was pregnant, which I have put some money in and so have family who wanted to give something to celebrate the birth... if this continues all his life he will have something to contribute towards higher education. I'll also encourage him to work and save up his own college fund if that's what he wants. If my dad does pay that money might by a car? Or go towards a house deposit?!

[Seraphim]

Victoria if you apply that logic this site wouldn't exist because 'it's not the same for everyone' Of course it isn't, but opinions are borne out of experience, and experience forms negatives and positives in opinion. Everyones view will be different.

 

Of course and I am entitled to mine too. I am also entitled to give argument against someone else's too.

[Seraphim]

If my son has tantrums over not having what other kids have he will get a stern conversation about recognising what is important in life!!

 

If my dad withdraws his offer the my son will just go to a state school- like me and my sister did- at no detriment to our education! I have already set him up a bank account, when I first found out I was pregnant, which I have put some money in and so have family who wanted to give something to celebrate the birth... if this continues all his life he will have something to contribute towards higher education. I'll also encourage him to work and save up his own college fund if that's what he wants. If my dad does pay that money might by a car? Or go towards a house deposit?!

 

I know you are super set to do it your way no matter what, but I really do hope it turns out well for you. But once again you are counting on others to hand you money. Why is it ok for THEM to hand you money but not his father?

[OptomisticGirl]

Ok but your brother is not Bella's son. Not every child is the same. Just because you and Bella are fine does not mean her son will be so happy to not have what other kids can have. As I said it is not my son. I am just giving benefit of experience of working with many people which you are all free to ignore.

 

The best parenting advice I got from my uncle was this: you will screw up, and you will make mistakes. You will make decisions that at the time you thought best for your child - and probably still do - but your child doesn't. All you can do is make the decisions as best as you see fit and hope you have raised your child to understand parents make mistakes and to value knowing you dotn always have 20/20.

[Seraphim]

True you do not always have 20/20. But important decisions such as this should not be made while someone is emotional. When you are going to affect someone very profoundly especially your child it is time to put on the big person pants and take yourself out of emotion and look at all angles and try and see all eventualities and how it is going to affect everyone, especially your child. I know she is in super protect mode, but however that is not always best when making decisions that affect the lives of many people. Sometimes protect mode is good and sometimes it is a detriment and you have to know the difference and you can only do that when you are not emotional.

[BellaStranger]

Of course you can't tell- you don't know him-that's something only I know and I believe it does. Again, you can see from my other threads that this has always been an issue. It's just that while we were together I could keep an eye on it (ie how many glasses of wine he has before he tried to pick up the baby), when I'm not around i won't be able to.. I'm afraid dropping my newborn on his head is just not a risk I'm willing to take in the interest of being fair!

 

None of his family have even been to visit.... so I hold out little expectation they want to be involved, but they can be. My ex's mum is also a bottle of wine a night drinker, so I also wouldn't want her to have him on her own. But aside from that it would depend how much interest they actually showed!

[FarthestEdge]

The best parenting advice I got from my uncle was this: you will screw up, and you will make mistakes. You will make decisions that at the time you thought best for your child - and probably still do - but your child doesn't. All you can do is make the decisions as best as you see fit and hope you have raised your child to understand parents make mistakes and to value knowing you dotn always have 20/20.

 

This is VERY true, and underscores my point. If the father is going to disappoint the child, that's on HIS head, and will be for HIM to explain to the child. If the mother never gives him the chance to do so, THAT'S on HER head.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes, but if in not emotional mode she comes to the same decision? I'm not even emotional about it and I agree with her.

[OptomisticGirl]

This is VERY true, and underscores my point. If the father is going to disappoint the child, that's on HIS head, and will be for HIM to explain to the child. If the mother never gives him the chance to do so, THAT'S on HER head.

And if she is okay with it then it's her life. To be honest, I would rather my mother have denied me access to my father than try to make him a part of my life. Perhaps I wouldn't cringe when a couple argues around me, even at 23, or know all to well what it's like to watch your mom be a battered wife but she made what she thought was the best decision for us at the time - I just know now what not to do. And I'm sure L and I will do stuff our kids don't agree with and will not do it with theirs, as long as their emotional needs are met and protected I'm okay with.

[Seraphim]

That is because you share the same opinion. As I said though you have to be open to more than one opinion and see more than one point of view and actually really think about all the possibilities. However I am a person of my own experiences like everyone else. Having raised my own son for almost 14 years and having raised other people's children placed in my care and working with children who have been very hurt and severely disadvantaged I have to try and look at a lot of possibilities and see what works better a lot of the time. You are both people of your experience too. As I said it is not my son, I am only trying to help with the knowledge I have.

[Seraphim]

This is VERY true, and underscores my point. If the father is going to disappoint the child, that's on HIS head, and will be for HIM to explain to the child. If the mother never gives him the chance to do so, THAT'S on HER head.

 

Yup, my mother never badmouthed my father to me,ever. She let me find out what he was like and decide for myself he was worse than useless. She never took away my opportunity. I have no issue with my mother for doing it. She did not make up my mind for me, she let me use my own.

[lostnscared]

Bella did you know he had a drinking problem when you met him? It's tough, because this is who he is--and when you got pregnant by him by default you sort of "made your bed". Same thing happened with me, my bf doesn't have a drinking problem though--he smokes cigs but thankfully has cut back DRASTICALLY. But I do think that if he wants to be a father you should let him--a boy needs his dad. If he doesn't want to be a father, then that is a completely different story. And in that case, I would think carefully about if I wanted to let this man be in my child's life.

[civilservant]

That is because you share the same opinion. As I said though you have to be open to more than one opinion and see more than one point of view and actually really think about all the possibilities. However I am a person of my own experiences like everyone else. Having raised my own son for almost 14 years and having raised other people's children placed in my care and working with children who have been very hurt and severely disadvantaged I have to try and look at a lot of possibilities and see what works better a lot of the time. You are both people of your experience too. As I said it is not my son, I am only trying to help with the knowledge I have.

 

If were the child's parents then no, we don't. No one else's opinion matter other than ours. As a Samaritan for several years I spoke to many people at pains with their familial relationships, and never did I presume to tell them my opinion. Who am I to interfere in their life? We all screw our children up in our own special way. My mother told me that once and it's oh so true.

[Saffron_]

Bella, a lousy boyfriend doesn't equal a lousy dad. And it's fair to point out that in other threads you've pointed out his good qualities as well as his negative ones so it's not like this is some evil man who's a threat to his child.

 

It's interesting that the opinions against a fathers involvement come from those who haven't had their fathers in their life or whose fathers have mistreated them in some way. My dad and I didn't always get along and we weren't close (even though he and my mum stayed together) but I'm certain it benefited me to have him in my life and I think most children benefit from having both parents in their life, so long as that parent isn't abusive, which this guy doesn't sound to be. Maybe this guy isn't that involved now, but sometimes men aren't great with babies. Your son and his dad could have a great lifelong bond given the chance, or you could make things difficult for him and refuse any money offered by him. But your son wont thank you for this and you run a greater risk of hurting him than your ex does of hurting him.

[civilservant]

I agree with Saffron. Although we haven't spoken in some years and he was incredibly hard on me as a young man I know that my fathers influence did me good. It also did me bad,'but on the whole I'm glad he was there.

[lostnscared]

I agree. My dad is an alcoholic as well, and me and him had a rocky relationship growing up, and actually up until my pregnancy. But I still think he was very helpful and has continued to be helpful in my life. I would never deny a child his/her father, it just isn't right IMO unless the father is a TRUE deadbeat.

[Saffron_]

I agree with Saffron. Although we haven't spoken in some years and he was incredibly hard on me as a young man I know that my fathers influence did me good. It also did me bad,'but on the whole I'm glad he was there.

 

I'm glad my dad was there too. He's been dead for 3 years now. But I was lucky because he did so much for me. It's not all about love of money either. There's so much to having both parents involved that can't be measured.

[rocio]

I'm another vote for facilitating the relationship between the child and the father to the best of your ability.

 

However, facilitating does not mean forcing, of course.

[OptomisticGirl]

An fit comes from our experiences, as everything does in life. I dont automatically think every guy will be a bad dad - we wouldn't be having kids if I did!- but to a degree I do believe no father is better than a bad father sometimes. I don't talk to my dad and haven't since I was 20 and that was the only time since I was 17 - I don't regret it thus far and don't care to have him in my life.

[Seraphim]

If were the child's parents then no, we don't. No one else's opinion matter other than ours. As a Samaritan for several years I spoke to many people at pains with their familial relationships, and never did I presume to tell them my opinion. Who am I to interfere in their life? We all screw our children up in our own special way. My mother told me that once and it's oh so true.

 

I do not tell random people who do not ask for advice on anything, anything. Bella came onto a public forum to ask advice. That is different. She asked. I gave. If people do not ask I do not give my opinion. As you said, the site would not exist right?

[Saffron_]

I'm another vote for facilitating the relationship between the child and the father to the best of your ability.

 

However, facilitating does not mean forcing, of course.

 

Yep. Encouraging and facilitating definitely. Not forcing and hopefully never preventing.

[Moontiger]

I don't know if anyone else has seen this but a few years ago I was watching "The Locator" and it featured a father who had been a pretty terrible guy in his 20's. His GF got pregnant and took the child away. So, for the next 19-20 years this guy had no contact with his daughter, during that time he completely turned his life around. He wanted to find his daughter (Hence, him being on the show), and when they did find her she had a ton of abandonment issues and was unable to trust men.

 

Not having a parent in your life can effect children in very negative ways. To deny even the slight chance of father and children bonding (even later in life) is morally wrong IMO. If the guy is a terrible person then the child does need to be protected LEGALLY. People should not take the laws into their own hands, which is basically what the OP is doing.