We got married

[imoutfront]

You're correct, it's not a requirement to take advice.

 

I suppose I was simply referring to the fact that you created the thread looking for advice, and when everyone fairly unanimously said, "Don't marry him!", you decided that you were going to marry him anyhow, and got quite upset about the opposition, claiming that no one was "supporting" you except your bridesmaids. Then you requested the thread be shut down, which it was.

 

I'm really not intending to put down your efforts to receive support from this forum. I guess I'm just thinking that the answer here is fairly obvious, as it was the first time: Divorce him before you get in deeper. And honestly, I hope it all works out for you.

 

Exactly. We all wish you the best. But it is frustrating for everyone to give you the EXACT same response, and instead of accepting the advice (not necessarily taking, but accepting... if that makes any sense) you got defensive and said you weren't being supported. We all DO support you, which is why you got so much response. Anyways, that is where the frustration here lies. I know you'll be able to get through this, and once you do, you'll be on to bigger and better things.

[Cilantro]

He says he isn't in the wrong at all for talking to his one ex gf, because they were just friends. Then why did he hide it from me? He says it was wrong that he hid it from me, but he did it because he knew I didn't like her (I DIDNT KNOW HER!).

 

He says he wants only me. THen why did he have 3 of us going at the same time? He'd write one of the girls at like 8:55am, then the other at 8:56am, then me at 9:01am.

[annie24]

I think for men, there is just fun and excitement in having the 'wife at home' and then the sexy perks on the side with other women. This is why I brought up the point of maybe this guy needs more sex to feel satisfied? of course, i get why you don't feel in the mood with him right now, i would be so angry with him and betrayed. but in terms of long-term compatibility, i would want to know 1 - what exactly drove him to this behavior in the first place, and 2 - how to prevent this from ever happening again??

[Cilantro]

We got in the worst fight ever today. Before any of this happened, we never fought. Well, we did, but it was easily solved and focused on a solution and getting back to happy. Now, all we do is fight, and it's the same over and over again. ANd it's yelling. Such loud yelling. THis isn't healthy. I picked up his phone and threw it in the kitchen sink, which was full of soapy water. THat was so stupid. It doesn't work now. We can't afford to fix his phone.

 

I want so badly to go back to what we had, when we were happy.

 

He todl me that he had every intention of stopping talking to the one ex (the one he sexted with and such) but never intended to stop talking to the other one because he didn't feel it was wrong, but he did say also that he would've continued to hide it from me because he knew I woudln't like it but valued her friendship.

 

I'm so unhappy, I could just kill myself right now. But I wouldn't do that because I could never do that to my friends.

[annie24]

when is your next counseling session? please don't hurt yourself. this situation sucks, but you can get out via divorce.

[Cilantro]

we haven't scheduled it yet. our schedules are opposite. i work days, he works nights. he just went to work before i signed back on and i had just gotten home from work. i don't know when we can schedule it.

[annie24]

you HAVE to, for the sake of your marriage. i think you should try to switch your schedule, at least 1 day a week so you can get counseling.

 

do you think the opposite schedules also had something to do with the sexting??

[Cilantro]

no, the opposite schedules are a new thing, since we got married. we used to both only work during the day. it's different as of this last week or so. it's out of our hands, really, with both jobs.

[Seraphim]

Just remember NO one is worth killing yourself over. I know it seems hopeless right now, but it really isn't and you WILL be ok, however it turns out. Turn to your family and friends to support you. Seek out counseling for YOURSELF, even just to talk this out.

[Cilantro]

I won't do anything to harm myself, at least not physically (staying in this marriage is emotional harm enough). I know it doesn't solve anything. But I'm just so angry right now. And now his phone doesn't work so I can't even call him to apologize for how irrational I was for throwing his phone in the sink.

[annie24]

yes, if you can't get to marriage counseling, go to individual counseling. i really hope you two can make it to joint counseling.

 

and again, i know things seem grim, but is not the end. worst case scenario? you break up and go your separate ways. of course, divorce is not good, but lots of people get divorced, take time to heal and then go on with their lives, meet someone new, etc....

[Seraphim]

That is why you need the support of family and friends when you feel irrational and angry.

[Seraphim]

yes, if you can't get to marriage counseling, go to individual counseling. i really hope you two can make it to joint counseling.

 

and again, i know things seem grim, but is not the end. worst case scenario? you break up and go your separate ways. of course, divorce is not good, but lots of people get divorced, take time to heal and then go on with their lives, meet someone new, etc....

 

Yes, divorce is not the end of the universe. I know it seems like it is. But who knows may be you would find someone a million times more suit to you?

[Cilantro]

He was the only one I've ever felt that with. The feeling that I could go forever with someone. I'm making it worse by throwing everything in his face.

[Seraphim]

There is more than one person in the world for everyone. I truly believe that. My mom was divorced 3 times. Now she is married to someone who she really has a good relationship with. At the time divorces happened she thought it was the end of the universe and there would never be another person for her. She was wrong there. She found 2 really good guys after divorcing my dad that were a THOUSAND times better for her than he was.

 

Really I do encourage you to go and talk out your feelings with someone who is totally impartial. We can not make sense of our own feelings and lives when we are in turmoil and others can clearly see solutions and ideas because they have no emotional stake in it.

[lavenderdove]

You say you wonder what the 'message' is in all this.

 

I remember very clearly that you knew before you married him that he both lied and has cheated on you in the past.

 

The 'message' is that people are who they are, and you married him based on hope rather than what you knew to be true. This is not an uncommon thing for young people to do, assume that marriage will 'fix' problems in the relationship or change people, but the problems are usually just amplified and made worse by the expectation that marriage will be great when really it is just another phase of the same relationship.

 

You had very high expectation (you 'hoped' that he wasn't a liar/cheat and he would never do it again, when you had ample evidence to the contrary), and now your expectation is that you should be a starry eyed newlywed, but honestly, given you that you married someone who lied and cheated, it shouldn't be such a great shock that you just exposed more of the same. He is who he is, and his character obviously is a bit lacking on that subject, including a weakness for his ex that was unresolved when you married him. You knew he'd been contacting her, but chose to forge ahead with the marriage as if that didn't matter, when obviously he didn't have the level of commitment to you necessary for marriage.

 

My suggestion would be to go to a counselor of your own for a while to talk this out with them, then decide whether you want to consider marriage counseling based on what you uncover there. But you really shouldn't be all that shocked or feel MORE betrayed, because he'd already betrayed you before and you knew it. I think you are angry because you EXPECTED him to be somebody different when you married him, but the reality is marriage itself doesn't change a person's character. It is just an event in your life, but the same two people are still in the relationship, with the same good points and bad points they had before the marriage.

[Fudgie]

He obviously doesn't feel that way with you, Cilantro. Because he keeps cheating on you and he WILL keep cheating on you. You need to move past this and leave. The bottom line is your happiness. That's what you need to look for. You won't ever be happy in this marriage and you know that.

[WildChild]

Amen. Hoping OP really reads and understand this, and takes every word to heart.

[agent1607307371]

Are you still living with him? Do you think that maybe a little distance will help to clear your head and help your reactions cool down enough for you to deal with the situation in a healthy way?

[italiannmf24]

You need to stop blaming yourself and claiming your "stupid". It's not helping to self-hurt.

 

If you really feel like you can't handle the cheating, talking to the ex or whatever, then I'd think long and hard about divorce. If you decide to divorce, it's final and there is absolutely no going back at that point.

 

Don't make quick decisions; think hard and really take into account the pros and cons of ending your current marriage.

[greywolf]

Like I said earlier, it's like he thinks that once/if you decide to work it out with him, it'll be easy. That couldn't be farther from the truth. It'll take sacrifice on his part. And if he really wants to work it out with you, then he should be willing to do it. He seems so reluctant about everything.

[Cilantro]

I talked to his mom for a long long time tonight. I love his parents so much. They're good people. They never take sides and don't do the whole "blood is thicker than water" thing. They're so angry at him for this and disappointed and frankly surprised. They knew about everything before the wedding took place (he's very close with them). They're worried about him. I am too.

 

He's not the same man who proposed marriage too me. They've even said that. He used to have drive and ambition and always ALWAYS put others first before himself, almost to a fault. He's always been very selfless. Now he's lacking in direction, unsure of where to go with his career, and putting his relationships with others in jeopardy. In fact, he got laid off from his previous position for completely disregarding the company's policy regarding their clients (I suspect that his texting with the other girls day in and day out, not to mention always looking up websites from his phone and talking on the phone constantly kept him from doing his job accurately). He's always been a hard worker, loyal to a fault with his job. Now, it's like he doesn't care about anything or anyone. He used to see the bigger picture, now he just seeks iinstant gratification it seems. He's not the same person I agreed to marry, but I don't think I ever noticed it because I was involved and enamored with wedding planning.

 

His parents and friends are so surprised at him for this. And the girl I wrote last night asking her about what htey talked about even said she is surprised and doesn't believe he actually cheated on me unless I actually caught him redhanded because it's so unlike him. He's either had everyone fooled or is just on a downward spiral. We suspect he may be depressed.

 

We talked a little tonight via IM on his break from work and I brought up to him about his ex, the one he considers a friend and feels he's done nothing wrong, though admits hiding it was wrong. Here was that part of the conversation:

 

Me: is ashley out of your life for good now? or do you wish to remain friends with her?

Him: if i have to make a choice. I clearly choose my wife. but if you are uncomfortable with it then she will stay in my past.

me: i need you to make the choice for yourself. it's about boundaries. can you keep her in your life without overstepping boundaries and jeopardizing my comfort level with you? or can you not? it's all about what you choose to do. i'm not making that chioce for you

Him: yes i can.

me: so what are you going to do about the Ashley thing?

Him: i dont know about the ashley thing but i will let you you know when i have made a decision

me: i don't understand how you don't know.

Him: i just dont. but i have to go

 

He had to sign off because his break ended.

 

I don't know how to take that. I don't care if he talks to girls. I'm not jealous about anything at all, even after what happened. I just wish for him to use boundaries. He has complete disregard for them but I'm not going to tell him what to do. That's not my place

 

It's still so surprising that this is happening.

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't understand how he can't know what he is going to do?

[Miss Firecracker]

After a conversation like that, I could easily make a decision.

 

I'd be out of there.

[Fudgie]

He's just stringing you along. Really, you know it in your heart. He's not faithful and he won't ever be.